stepdaughter denying contact with grandchildren

Michelle - posted on 06/20/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

I married my husband 20 yrs ago at which time I became stepmom to his daughter (who was 2 yrs old at the time). My relationship with her has always ranged from strained to outright hostility towards me. Had I known what parental alienation syndrome was when she was young maybe we could have got some help but as it is, she still believes that I came along and "stole" her daddy from her & her mommy. (Nevermind the fact that it was her mothers infidelity that caused their divorce.) SD had a son almost 3 yrs ago. She was a single mom and trying to go to college so her dad & I helped her great deal. Both by keeping our grandson a great deal and financially. I grew to love our grandson a great deal, he means the world to me and I know that he loves us also. SD got married last year and had another son. Two months ago she informed us that she planned to change the oldest sons last name to that of her husband's (even though he has a father that pays child support and plays an active role in his life). We made the mistake of giving her our opinion on it (which didn't agree with hers). She got mad at us and has not allowed us to see him since. Since she will not speak to me I wrote her a letter apologizing and told her that I would do anything she asked just to see him. I received no reply but she contacted my husband and told him that he could see the boys but that, because of the kind of person I am and the abuse she suffered at my hands (not true at all!) - she would never allow me to see them or be a part of their lives. When he explained that wasn't possible, she accused him of picking me over her again. She even said that someday he would regret choosing me over his "blood" family and he would realize the mistake he was making because they mean more to him than I ever could. He tried to explain that as his wife I am the most important thing in his life, second only to his relationship with God. That by giving him that choice she really wasn't giving him any choice at all. She refuses to talk things over, telling us that the boys have no connection to me, I am only their STEPgrandma and that they could never love me. (She will not see that she is contradicting herself -her husband, who she has taught her oldest to call Daddy is his STEPdad). I know this is a really long post but I am hoping someone else might have an idea as to how we deal with this. Our hearts are broken. That little boy had really became the center of our universe. And part of me can't help but wonder if SD wasn't jealous of the attention he was getting. I don't know how to handle any of this. Pleas help!