Tough Decision.....Help??

Emily - posted on 08/31/2011 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I am the SM of a beautiful baby girl named Ady. She is 2 yrs old and her BM has been in and out the past yyear and has never been on her feet for her...she has lived in TWELVE different homes in the past YEAR. In Dec 2010, CPS got involved and placed her in her father and i's care because of suspected drug use. BM has always put herself first and put on a show for EVERYONE. It has been difficult to try and keep Ady on the schedule that she needs, once we start her on one where she sees BM regularly, BM does something to screw-up (fail a drug test, take Ady somewhere dangerous, stop communicating with our CPS officer,...etc.) and she gets her visitation taken away. This has happened 5 times in the past year. Ady will get used to seeing her and then have to go months without a visit. My Hubby and I are loving her and supporting her as much as humanly possible. But this stress on Ady can be very emotional for us. She doesn't eat sometimes, she acts out at daycare, and she has terrible night terrors where she reaches out for "mama", screaming and crying. My hubby and i have finally gotten an attorney to help us get this case moving faster. In the past week we received news from our CPS officer that BM was moving out of state. This shocked us only because we had deep down inside always thought she'd give up and run but we never ACTUALLY thought she would. Now she's trying to convince my hubby that she is going to get on her feet and change for Ady but neither of us believe it. I mean come on??? Anyways, Ady knows i love her with all my heart, she doesn't call me mom, she knows who her BM is and has a picture of her next to her bed......but we can't decide if we should take it down or leave it up. Everytime she sees it she says "Mama!' But it hurts me to know that there is a 98% chance her BM will not come back for years. My hubby says we should let her decide what she wants to call me....I just don't want her to grow up without a "mother" present. I don't want her to hold on to this picture for years and not understand where she is. I mean how are we supposed to explain that to her? I guess I'm asking how we should handle this? I just want her to be as happy as possible and not have to worry about anything. I know as well as everyone else that knows our situation that i can be the mother to her, i have been playing that role for the past year, I'm just not sure what to do.....

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Lindzie Beachy - posted on 08/31/2011

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this story is heartbreaking. how long has she lived with you and your S/O

Kyleigh - posted on 08/31/2011

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Well you said she was screaming out terrors in the middle of the night for her mama, thats a sign of missing her. maybe you should get GAL to re evaluate things. The courts are in for what the child wants(somewhat) and the best interests. There are resourcese to help BM's with finding a job, and getting a residence. At least in my small county And acting out in daycare could be a number of things not just the BM. You know what they say terrible twos.

Kyleigh - posted on 08/31/2011

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I just dont see why a mother wouldnt want her children. seem a bit odd to me.

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Emily - posted on 08/31/2011

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Thank You so much Sharon. And yes, she did have supervised visitations every friday at the CPS office but her last one was last friday bc her BM says she will be leaving the state.

Sharon - posted on 08/31/2011

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As of right now it is obvious that BM is out of control and needs to get her life together. Although this may never happen. It is a safety issue for Ady to be in her mothers care without supervision. I know Ady is in your care, but does her mother have any visitation rights at all? Would you guys be able to meet up at a mutual safe place so she can visit with Addy? I have gone thru very similar issues with my step daughter who is now 7 and her BM, although not as bad. All I can say to you is just love that baby girl and continue to love, love and love her! I know you are not her mother you can still be a positive, loving role model in her life. As far as the picture let her keep it up by her bed...taking the picture down will not make her forget about her mother. You can tell Ady that her mother is very sick and can't see her right now, or you can tell her that she is working every time she asks about her. Everything will work out, as it always does. I will be praying for you and your family. Please message me if you need to talk. Hang in there! Ady is very blessed to have you in her life! :)

Emily - posted on 08/31/2011

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She was placed with us in Dec 2010.
Before she lived with her BM after she left my hubby.
She took Ady and ran to another state for 5 months, shortly after she returned Ady was placed in our care.

Emily - posted on 08/31/2011

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My post is 1/4 of the entire story. The BM wants her child but does not have a house or money to support her and she knows it. she is convinced that going out of state to "get on her feet" will make her look better. she has used all her "resources" here and has to look elsewhere for a home and money. She does want her daughter, I;m sorry if that wasnt clear, but legally she can't go with her. So in her eyes she is pretty much giving up on this state and her daughter "for now" but she wants to come back and be a parent again?? i know it sounds weird and it's difficult to understand, believe me i know....i was just looking for advice on how to help my SD deal with this.

Emily - posted on 08/31/2011

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She was reported for "suspected" and it was confirmed. I understand respecting the BM. But when she hasn't even respected her daughter or herself then i have no room to "respect" her. Children should never be placed in dangerous situations and the first time BM placed her in one, i lost respect.

Emily - posted on 08/31/2011

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Yes she is running away, but she is claiming she wants to come back have her daughter, which is ridiculous......we are not the ones to put strain in the situation. She is. According to her, its her way or no way.

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