Troubles with my step son, looking for advice, or if anyone has a similar situation

Andrea - posted on 05/20/2011

he's still acting up, we try to just catch things early on...so if he walks by one of the kids and gives them a sneaky kick...we call him out on it...he gets a warning...then if he acts up or chats back he goes for time out. we had 1 full day yesterday of no fighting, so thats better then it usually is. I think it's an attention seeking thing for the most part. He's just odd all around...but that could be a start of a pre teen boy thing. I remember my own brother got a bit odd when he was around that age...we are trying to teach the other kids different ways to react to him as well. So if he starts bullying them...they don't have to play with him. Come and get an adult, don't have a freak out...thats what he wants. Because he wants that reaction from them...he wants to get them upset and fight him back...but if they don't, and they play on their own, or with each other...he will potentially see that bullying them isn't going to get him anywhere. Worst thing is that the kids actually do bullying seminars in schools...he knows he is in the wrong. When he is in the wrong...he hides off and sneaks around. Its just bizarre...wish it were easier...he's been spoiled all his life...just so many things that add up to creating bad behaviour over the years...hard to pin point a particular problem. He's got them all!!

Kyleigh - posted on 05/20/2011

There are meds to help him is your 9 yr old SS doing better?

Andrea - posted on 05/15/2011

yeah i did the super nanny technique and they lost all but 4 toys...they have jars and can earn them back by good behaviour, I also practise her time out method...so because of his age he goes to his room for 9 minutes...while the others are still on a "spot". As soon as I found out I was pregnant I took over with discipline in the house, because I don't like hitting...etc...I want to make sure my child doesn't get whacked by any of his. They had just gone too long without rules...David never really put any down as a single parent...because he just had them on the weekends..he was "fun"
Now we are still fun...but with consequences. They've lost pool days, and beach trips because of behaviour. Just finding out what works and what doesn't for the most part. The other kids are doing well with what we've done...the 9 year old...isn't. It's like he is constantly challenging us. I have even thought to suggest my partner seperates him from the other kids and has him on the off weekends...just to give us some peace!!

Brittini - posted on 05/15/2011

All of the parties involved need to get together and decide wat to do!! With the permission of his bio father see if you can use other discipline methods!! Try other methods like taking things away until he does better in school if he won't do chores when everyone else does special things exclude him from them!!

Andrea - posted on 05/15/2011

Well I think getting out of the situation isn't going to fix anything, and will probably make things worse for this family, as we are currently 8 months into a pregnancy, and starting up our own little family. My family is on the other side of the world, so leaving for me is a 30 hour flight, and leaving my child without a father. He does need to become more responsible and take the child to the doctors. Unfortunately at the moment he is working in over drive, and any spare time he has he is spending with us. I know in his head, if he took the one to the doctors, thats an entire visit that he would lose with the other children. It's a hard spot to be in, but we are trying our best at home atm, with placing in different techniques and rules. If rules are broken, they have consequences. The kid doesn't have a stable environment with the mother, my partner had tried to have them removed from her custody, and has even called child services on her, but nothing has been done, and she is still awarded custody. She has had about 10 boyfriends that we know of this year, she puts her needs before her children's needs. There are no consequences at her house. My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years, and this is a recent thing. He started acting up about 5 months ago. It could be the baby? It could be the unstable environment? It could be that he needs therapy? He could just have a surge of hormones going through him...almost a teen? Or he could just be a mean boy? When they are in our home, we are as consistant as we can be, and believe me....we are trying everything available to us. My partner has to buck up and take him to the doctors, however, for us with his work schedule, and the visitation schedules we are stretched thin. We would like the bmom to be on the same thought process as us, as it would make things easier and potentially help identify what he needs. I have talked to other mother's on here that find around 9 or 10 some children tend to just start acting up and being aggressive. It's not a school issue, he is sweet and nice and respectful to his peers, it's directed towards his siblings. Unfortunately when they aren't your own kids, it's much harder to make the flesh parents agree on an issue such as mental stability. Having my partner admit something is wrong, and trying to work on it with him...was huge. We have even got the bio mom waking the boy up at night to take pees...which she wasn't doing before. So small steps. it's hard to tell a parent there is something wrong with their child. Looking on parenting websites for advice, reading child behaviour and development books, and talking to my partner about the issue have been helping. For now, I do what I can...before I am working ot with baby.

Shawna - posted on 05/14/2011

Sounds like to me, that he needs to take more action and be more responsible...YOU shouldn't be the one nagging at him to get this stuff done...they are his kids. And he needs to take her to court and get custody. My advice to you from personal experience, save all text messages, record all calls, keep logs of conversations, etc. Keep track of EVERYTHING...If he legally has rights to that child, he can do whatever he wants...set up an appt for the child and drive them there if he won't take the initiative. Yes, it's easier with the mother's help but there are ways around it and it really sounds to me, like that kid needs a MUCH more stable environment. How long have you all been together? I almost want to tell you to get out of that situation all together, sounds like you could do better by yourself!

Andrea - posted on 05/14/2011

my husband knows we have to do something...its just a matter of getting to the point where he can convince the ex to jump on board. we do all we can, and try to be as proactive...but bio mom doesn't see any problems, there are no rules or consequences at her house...so it is a problem. We are trying to fix what we see...and what goes on here...however, it needs to be worked out on both ends. It's not easy when you have another person unwilling to participate. My partner and i do the time outs, take away privilges and toys...he has been lazy with taking him to the md to sort out the bedwetting, we need to take him to a child psychologist for the anger and aggression I think. Its just hard getting that woman to be on the same page as us...and see what we see. He gets reports at school for being such a nice and well liked boy...its just heartbreaking he can't be this at home, and can't be nice and kind towards his siblings. His ex is insane. My partner has dragged her to the doctors before for their daughter, who has hearing loss in one ear...and she doesn't believe it. She thinks its made up...nothing is wrong...even though the child has problems. She lives in her own world.

Liz - posted on 05/13/2011

Your husband and his ex don't think they should do something about a 9yo who's violent towards his siblings? I'm sorry, but there's something really wrong here.

Andrea - posted on 05/13/2011

Yeah, I can't really get him evaluated because I am just the step mom, I have been pushing my partner to take him to the doctors, I read up online of this medication he can take to stop the bedwetting, but it's the violence and aggression that are a huge problem at the moment. The bio mom doesn't think anything is wrong with any of her children, and refuses to take them to the doctors. He needs help. He threw his 3 year old sister clear across our dining room on thursday night...I have never been so upset in my life...I didn't think pregnant ladies could run so fast!! I thought she was a goner, she landed near a corner in the wall...oh well..trying to fix things.

Kyleigh - posted on 05/13/2011

I would get him evaulated asap! Call your MD!

Andrea - posted on 05/08/2011

Thank you. Yeah I have been trying to come to terms with the bio mom just being a horrible mother, and just trying to do things on my own. Its hard to cut out the pop, because their are others, and my partner won't do it. I feel like i am 100% on my own with this, I try to implement things, and I get zero help frm almost both the parents. My husband will sometimes help with time outs...but he is inconsistant, and ends up either giving in or over punishing. We have been waking him now 3 times a night for the pees...which isn't fun, and 1 out of every 3 we might catch it in time. The father is becoming more aware of all the problems though, which is a good thing. he has really been bullying the younger ones too...its just a nightmare with this one. Nothing is private. I have pulled them all aside, and explained that you have to ask permission to use someone else's belongings. They currently have all but 4 toys each in confiscation...i did the super nanny trick whereas they weren't sharing or playing well together, and everything was a fights, so I told them all to pick 4 toys each, and the rest are gone until they can earn them back with good behaviour. No one has gotten a toy back, and some have lost more!!! I have stopped the kid from drinking past 6...his bedtime is about 8. Sometimes I think its harder being the step mom then the bio mom...i just hope its all a phase, in any case its a real struggle for me...and I cant take much more...am now 8 months pregnant...and rethinking what I am doing in this situation!!!

Heather - posted on 04/12/2011

I can try to help, it might not help you but it helped me. My kids bio mom is a mess, she never answers her phone or cares about anything but herself. But there is nothing you can do about the way she acts. So that part I just got over. My middle son used to pee the bed when he was 9 to, some kids just pee the bed at that age or even older. What I did to fix that was I stopped letting him have pop for one. And his bed time is 9 and we wasn't aloud anything to drink after 8. And I made sure he peed before he went to sleep. It took some time but he stopped. He hasn't done it in over a year and a half. Going through your things I have never had a problem like that with any of my kids, but if I did, I would sit them down and tell them that its your stuff and they have no right to mess with it. And give them the same respect. I don't snoop or go in their room without a reason behind it.I sometimes out away there clothes, but if I do that's all I do and no more. I am not saying you do that, I am just saying that showing them that you respect them in that way might help them respect your things as well. He is still whiny, to this day and he is almost 11, but I can't figure out who to get him to stop, I guess he will just grow out of it one day. As for school goes, that was our worst thing! His younger sister was in K and he was in 2nd and she could read better than him. So..I took action about it, I don't know how you have yours set up but we do week to week. When he was with us, he did his home work and read. No exceptions about it. Now with his reading since he was so far behind, I made him read more than he had to for the school to catch him up. Now he is doing great. Whatever problems he is having, make him do more of it to help him along. It will take time for all of it, trust me I know, I would sit down for 2 hours at night to make him read just 20 pages. But he had to do it and there was no getting out of it. Eventually, he hated to sit down for that long and just gave up with his crying and just did the work. Now he sit down for maybe 20 mins for 15 pages of chapter books. I hope all this helps you. And remember if the bio mom wont do it, then you do it. After all you are their mom now too.