Vanishing BIO mom....Advice needed please!

AMY - posted on 07/26/2012

Girl, your story is the exact same as my story! The bio-mom had nothing to do with my step-daughter until she heard the child call me "Mom"... My step-baby is now about to be 7 years old and I have been her mother since she was 2 months old. My great news and maybe yours will be the same! The bio-mom has asked me to adopt my step-daughter!! She said she doesn't want to pay child support any longer and is ready to give her to me. We have already signed papers and I am awaiting the finalization from the courts. No more baby Mama drama :-) Back to the subject at hand. Girl, I cried so many times in the past few years dealing with the same issues as you. As your child gets older though, it does get easier, as the child themselves become more aware of what's going on and seeing things for themselves and not just what bio-mom is drilling in their heads... I still deal with the issue today with my child telling people that I am not her real mom, that bio-mom is.... but that's what bio-mom felt was the most important thing to teach her. I keep telling myself the child is 6 and will grow out of it. We shall see..... I am always here if you need someone to talk to. I can relate to you on every level.

Carol - posted on 06/29/2012

I know exactly how you feel Bonnie. My SD's bio mom gave her & three other children up when my SD was 5 or 6 yrs old. My husband got Joint custody with a relative of my SD's younger siblings. Since then the bio mom has not visited & has called maybe 2-3 times in the last year. At this point my husband has filed for full custody of her & she said she wants to live with her mom but if she can't she wants to live with us. Of Course, we have yet to locate the bio mom to serve her as a non custodial parent. And the person who shares joint custody "does not agree" with her coming to live with us...for reasons, I have been told by my SD, are not good enough reasons for a judge to not allow her to come live with us. My SD still loves & wishes to be with her mom, but my husband I feel the chances she will ever see her again are slim. We would never tell my SD that though. We heard from a relative of the bio mom that confirmed she was in the area about a year ago visiting them for almost 2 weeks & did not even mention the children once. She has remarried & like I said calls at random to speak to them for maybe 5 minutes. If it was up to my husband, he would try to have her rights terminated, but in our state a person cannot do that on their own. CPS would have to be involved. I treat my SD the same as the children I gave birth to. Sometimes I feel hurt when she talks about loving & missing her mom, when I've been more of a mom to her in the last 5 years than her mom has. Truth is, if her mom showed up today, she would leave with her in a heartbeat, even though her mom is not capable of taking care of her. It hurts my heart & one day hope that I will be looked at as her mom as much as she feels her bio mom is her mom.

Kaala - posted on 06/26/2012

I hope it all works out for you Bonnie! And if you need a shoulder or just to vent, feel free to message me! :)

Bonnie - posted on 06/26/2012

Thank you Kaala. Your kind words have helped alot!

Kaala - posted on 06/26/2012

I want to say this: coming from another Stepmom who has given up a lot for her stepdaughter as well, you made a huge sacrifice in staying at home with her and becoming her strong stable woman figure in her life.
Also, keep in mind if it wasn't for this crazy woman you wouldn't have this amazing little girl. I know it is difficult to deal with someone who thinks that they can come in and out in their child's life because they are the biological parent. All I can say is, that you and your husband need to remind this woman of her place in her child's life. That she CHOSE to walk out, and that she CHOSE to be the "fair weather" parent. You stepped up in big shoes to fill when you didn't have to.
I know this is difficult, but you and your husband must find the inner strength to deal with this situation in a way that is both beneficial to you and your child and try your best to have her understand who this woman is. If she hurts her, be there for her. You didn't do the damage, she did. You will always be there, and when she gets older, in the end she will know who her real mom is. That's all you can strive for.