Why does the BIO MOM make it so Difficult for the Dad

Mel - posted on 07/26/2012

Darlene,
In a cases of split parenting, its hard to say when it will end. Usually when the kids are older it slows down.
When you entered into a relationship with him, you knew he had children. These are not your children. He had them with another person. I am sure you are also aware that when parents are not together there is generally a reason. The reason is because one of them was not what the other expected. With that being said, there are going to be tons of disagreements about what the other parent "SHOULD" be. This is a very easy trap to get yourself into. Unfortunately, when you got into a relationship with him. You have her too. They are bound together for life. She will always be there. If you are with him, you are too.

Tabitha - posted on 07/20/2011

I just recently became a FT step-mom (BM just lost custody due to drug use) & have been through HELL with that woman. 7 years later, she still continues to only think of herself, bad-mouths my DH & me to kids, puts kids in middle of things & exposes them to things that adults shouldn't even have to be exposed to. I truly think that she is a sociopath. Depending on your husband's ex, you could be dealing with her issues indefinitely. I've just recently come to realize that in my own life & am having a hard time swallowing it. Bitter, angry women can hold a grudge for a REALLLLLY long time & will do what they can to make sure that everyone else is unhappy as well. :( All you can do is take the high road & pray that she finds peace & will see how she negatively affects your SK's well-being.

Tammy - posted on 07/12/2011

Maybe she's a sociopath. I'm totally serious. I think my husband's ex is. She just can't help herself & doesn't think about anyone BUT herself. So sorry, I totally understand. It doesn't stop. Just ignore her & try & concentrate on your own awesome life.

Jane - posted on 06/15/2011

It will take her a long time, maybe a very long time, to "get over it." Every time she sees the kids the flame will be fanned and once again she will be all fired up about the divorce. If she does happen to be a "toxic personality," then she is hardwired to crave vengeance, even if she was the one to initiate the divorce. She sees the children as tools to get revenge.

It has been ten years now, but my ex-SIL is still angry, even though she was the one to have an affair, and she was the one who wanted the divorce, and she was the one who ended up with the house (which had belonged to my brother for years before their marriage). She still feels that something wasn't fair about it all, and I suspect she always will.

Cynthia - posted on 06/15/2011

I have always assumed it was because she is immature, angry and jealous, but I also assumed she would've gotten over it by now. It's been three years. I don't think there is anyway to make it stop, it will only stop when something happens that forces her to grow up. I also know what you mean about the BM being all sweetness. She puts on such an act in public, she's a great actor. She tries to act like my friend and talks nice to my stepdaughter about me when I am present, but it's a different story when in private.

Jane - posted on 06/14/2011

She does it because she is immature, she is angry, she is a toxic personality, because she can, because she is jealous, and any combination of these things.

My ex-SIL tap dances on my brother's head every chance she gets. She was the one who asked for a divorce, but she was also the one who had a secret affair for three years before she announced what a terrible husband my brother was. She has done as much as she can to convince the kids that their dad is a bad parent, yet when the girls chose to live with her when they were teens, she allowed them to miss more than 60 days of school. Yet, when she spent the summer out of town, my brother made sure the girls got to summer school every single day, turned in all homework, and got As, even though they were still sleeping at their mom's house.

They have joint custody but it has been years since she adhered to the schedule, dumping the kids at his house at random times, and changing plans at the last minute so the kids can't go to planned events with their dad or their grandparents.

She has slanderd and libeled my brother all over town, and is so very convincing that the elders of the church even came to speak to him about repentence.

Two of the three kids are now 18 so her hold over my brother has only a few more years to run. She knows that and so has been making it even worse, threatening to sue my brother, claiming he doesn't pay child support (he paid it in a lump sum at the time of the divorce and she has frittered it away) and that he has embezzled the college funds (he has not and has the proof on paper). She also justifies not giving him money she owes him for insurance payments, saying she can't trust him to use it correctly.

Our elderly parents moved out of town to get away from her attempts to get money or to get them to take her side. My brother has decided to move out of state once the last child reaches 18 just to get away from her.

I asked our counselor why she might do this, since her actions have obviously impacted all the kids in a very negative way. He says she is a toxic personality, someone who can be all sweetness and light until you cross her. Then, she will get vengeance no matter what it takes. The thing is, she can be so convincingly nice that even those of us who have been her victims almost forget what she has done to us in the past.

Good luck! I don't really know how to deal with it to make it stop, but I do know that you need to help the kids grow up well, never bad-mouthing their mom but helping them to flourish in their own right.

Cynthia - posted on 06/13/2011

I have been asking the same questions as Darlene. It probably depends on how long it takes the BM to grow up. Unfortunelty in my circumstance I have given up on BM growing up. It has been three years and she still does whatever she can to be vengful. I can't begin to count the number of times she has not told my husband about something that related to our daughter. We even have a court order that says she has to tell him!

Megan - posted on 05/14/2011

The BM in our situation goes from good to bad in a matter of a day! One day she'll be all about seeing them, then the Next NOPE back to her old ways. I really do hope she see's her Own CHILDREN. They need her and I see it.

But the most difficult is coming and going, Children need a schedule. They actually love them

Megan - posted on 05/05/2011

yes it will probably go on until the kids reach that age where they are all grown up even still it wont ever end. depending on the maturity of the other parent! GL

Bri - posted on 04/02/2011

yes we live in a material world!

Lisa - posted on 03/25/2011

Ya know,I am SO GLAD that my husband has custody of his boys.The mom does not really try,so we dont have alot of problems with her complying.But when we need a break(which we DO! Our youngest boy-his son-is paraplegic/in a wheelchair)...so we need a break from 24-7 care. She is a nurse and fully capable,but she just doesn't want the burden of that care. I try to commend my husband for that,but he says he is dad,thats what dads do..I said not all dads,my daughters dad don't. But anyway,yes,if the kids is 12 or 13, you can go back to court(its 10 yrs old in some states),and ask them to re-do the custody,support,etc.You have the right to have support revised also.If you have any more q's,please ask! Wishing you well!
Lisa

Amy - posted on 03/23/2011

Well, for me my husband has a court order and we go by what that says. She may not always like it but it's the way it is. If I were you if she wants more money tell her to take it to court. You are not under any means having to give into her and giver what she wants. I know I have tended to hear that the husbands like to give in to keep it smooth. But In my opinion it needs to stop. Just quit doing what she wants you don't have to. You need to just tell her in a nice way I'm not giving you any more nothing. Let your husband know that he needs s to confront her. He needs to let her know there relationship is over it's all about the kids now. With benign said you and him do for them at your house and she does for them at her house. If she need more she's got Family. She needs to stop running to him for things when she runs out. I know you say when saying no it will never stop. It will after a wile she will get it if you stop giving in. She knows it pisses you off by asking and she knows he’s going to give in, Why not it’s his kid? It is a bunch of crap I deal with a lot my self as a step mums. I run the show with his ex he lets me he doesn’t want to deal with her. The way I see it if you don’t have a court order you don’t have to listen to her. Just be sivel and drop the child off and leave. Like I said if she’s got issues let her take it to court. I also suggest making a paper trail with her. What I mean by this is take notes on the crap she does and send it in to the friend of the court it makes her look bad. But don’t let her know your doing it, it will cause issues. You best bet is to just say ya, ya and let it go one ear and out the other with her. Someday she’ll get it I hope. I don’t know who does the picking up and dropping off if you have to like we do we have a pick up point and drop off point so she’s not at our home. We also have me go with a friend to drop his kids off to avoid any conflict so that he doesn’t have to deal with her. Now he will talk on the phone to her if he has to but he no longer gives in it is was it is and that’s it. Good luck!

Mayra - posted on 12/31/2010

I have an 11 year old step son who has been in my life since the age of 2. He moved ti Arizona we went through court for visitation and his mom still refuses to follow the court order. I contacted the police department in Arizona and they now have a copy of the court order and drive to her house when we have a problem and let her know that we can press charges against her if she does not comply which hasnt happened since she does what the cops say. I dont understand why she does this its been 11years she must be very unhappy with her life and marriage to be that hateful.
Regarding childsupport and the money you can have a judge make her give you proof of where the money is going.
when the kids are older you should have a talk with them and explain everything thats wht we did with our step son because the mom was lying to him that we where the ones causing problems so we sat him down read him the court order im going to make him a list of the days that the order says we should get him so if there is ever a reason why we call the cops again he wil know why they are there.
It will never stop i think we just have to put up with it but not get run over in the process. I will not let this lady ruin my marriage or make my life unhappy. i will fight her when its needed in court again if it comes to it but my son is getting older soon he can decide where to live. just keep in mind that you and your hubby need to agree on how to deal with the situation and do not fight about it beacause in the end im sure thats what she wants. Good luck

Jamie - posted on 12/12/2010

It is really hard in these types of situaitions I know, and one of the reasons why didnt didnt speak up when it came to this for us was because we were affriad the mom would take the kid away and thats the last thing you would want to happen. Sometimes it gets really hard and you feel like just giving up...remember that no matter how the mom feels the kid still loves you and nothing can change that eventually she will realize what you do for her child and things will get better. I have been doing this for almost 4 years now and just now got everything better with all three moms...its a great feeling and well worth the wait. Hope this helped.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/20/2010

To fight for custody, the parent has to prove the other parent unfit which is usally hard to do.

Erica - posted on 11/20/2010

I know my husband is a very passive person and it takes some "encouraging" to get him to stand up to her.....WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING. how is suppoert paid. Is it through the courts, taken out of his check reguarly, or does he just pay her. I would recommed through the courts so you have proof of payment. If he is as concered as you are why not fight for custody

Elizabeth - posted on 11/19/2010

than dad needs to say something to her about iot, if he doesn't than apparently its only bothering you.