Hi Dennette, Tanya & Nikki

Sharon - posted on 03/24/2009

Hi Tanya,

How are you? How is your daughter after her surgery? I hope she's recovered well.

It takes ALOT to start to heal after being in a domestic violence situation. Do you still have effects? I myself am with a new partner and have flashbacks often my new partner is very supportive and accepting of my and my "issues" as i call them.

Shaz

Tanya - posted on 03/18/2009

Sorry it has taken so long to write back Sharon. Life is hectic lol My 11yr old just had surgery last month to remove her large bowel. She has Crohn's disease and has been in and out of the hospital for the last year.



I don't know why the social worker would try that. You would think they would know better. We still have not had any contact. I am trying to get a divorce without him finding out where we are. That is a chore lol Life now just consists of helping my kids cope and getting them better. The 4 oldest have many mental health issues stemming from the domestic abuse that it will take years to fix, if you can even fix something like that.

I do have a bf and we have been together for 4 years and a daughter together but we don't live together. Many people find it odd but my kids come first and they still aren't ready to have a man around 24/7. He also wouldn't be able to handle the behaviours day in and day out, though he tries. He has read up on children and the effects of domestic abuse but he is not afraid to admit that it scares him. This works for us right now and who knows what the future holds but we both agree that the kids needs have to come first.



How are you doing?

Sharon - posted on 11/18/2008

Tanya,

I am so glad you go out alive! You are such a brave and strong woman and i hope one day i can find the strength you have.

Why would the social worker try and get your details? Wouldn't she have knows his history? What is happening in your life now?



Shaz

Tanya - posted on 11/17/2008

The way I look at it, is in a way I'm not sorry for what I went through as it made me stronger (though my strength could have been found in a different way). I am terribly sorry that my kids went through it and are still dealing with it. They were in a situation that they didn't have a choice. It could have been worse for me. I was one of the lucky ones that got out alive. Know what I mean?

After we moved he was put in a pyschiatric hospital on the forensice ward. He had a social worker(duh, she should have known better) contact my mom trying to get my contact info but mom wouldn't release it.



I got the kids back because I had custody of the them. At that time he didn't have a restraining order against him from my mom. So he came late Christmas day to see them and I left the house. Mom let him spend the night so he could spend time with them and he took them at 10:26am boxing day morning. He only had them until the evening as he was made to bring them back. The police didn't want to upset the kids by forcibly removing them from his care, so he was allowed to drive them back with an escort. As soon as he dropped them off at my door he was arrested in the driveway.



It's important to have a copy of your custody order on hand at all times. If you don't then the police can't do anything. It is considered a family law matter. My lawyer had my copy of the order and it was difficult getting a hold of him on a holiday.

Sharon - posted on 11/14/2008

Oh Tanya,

I am so sorry to hear about your ordeal! I am relieved that you are out now and safe. Does he try to contact you? How long did he have the kids for when he kidnapped them? How did he get hold of them? The thought of what you went through terrifies me. Thanks so much for sharing your story and i look forward to getting to know you better.



Shaz

Tanya - posted on 11/13/2008

It seems our exes have been cut from the same cloth so to speak. When I first met my husband(ex) I was living with someone else who was abusive. The 2 of them actually were working together. Anyways I fell for my husband, he told me he would treat like a queen, I deserved better etc. We got together, engaged few months later and found out I was pregnant and got married. I had found out he was on probation for assualting a previous gf but everything was great with us for the first 2 years. We had 2 kids by then and I was pregnant with my 3rd and all hell broke loose. He would drag me down the stairs, lock me in the basement, in the bedroom, smash my phone if he thought I was on it too much, take my debit and credit cards. I went on birth control after having our 3rd and he freaked. I ended up pregnant with my 4th child and had him in 1999. Dec 23 2001 he bounced my face off of an ironing board in front of my children. My 6yr old daughter ended up cleaning my face up because my nose was bleeding. I said enough was enough and tried kicking him out. He wouldn't leave. So for a year I slept downstairs. He was still abusive. Dec 30 2002 he almost killed me. He pinned me down on the kitchen floor, with my hands trapped under his knees and choked me until I passed out. My daughter tried calling the police but he freaked out on her and she went and hid with her siblngs in their room. He actually left that time. But was always harrassing me. He kicked in my door when he was served with court papers about me going for sole custody of the kids. He became suicidal and threatened to kill himself in front of the kids. He was Formed 1(involuntarily committed to pysch ward) by the courts 4 times. He broke restraining and no contact orders over and over. He the ability to take the kids to his parents house when it was found out his brother molested our daughters and he wouldn't guarantee to keep them away from him. He could go to my moms to see them though.The month of December seem to be a trigger for him as on Dec 26, 2003 he kidnapped the kids, assualted my mom and ran my cousin over with his car. He lost all visits to his kids as child services wouldn't even supervise for the fear of putting their employees at risk. Even after being arrested and charged for that he wouldn't stop, we had to go into a womens shelter. With the help of the justice system and the courts we relocated to a different province. He doesn't know where we are and we have not seen him in 5 years in December. It's been very difficult on the kids and has caused mental health issues in them. But as each day goes by we get stronger. I have been in a relationship, it will be 4yrs in Feb and have a 21mth old baby girl. It does get better and not every man is the same. Stay strong.

Sharon - posted on 11/13/2008

Hi Nikki,

I am glad that you have support. And you are right....people dont just change. I left my ex over a year ago and the abuse is still ongoing.



My short story is i met my ex (Kim) when i was 17. He had come to Sydney with my sister and stayed with our family. He made me break up with the guy i was seeing at the time and after 5 months he was going back to Adelaide. He claimed to have falled for me and i believed him and moved to Adelaide to be with him. So right from the start he had ultimate control. He was on drugs when i met him and please don't ask why i moved interstate lol.

Anyway it started with arguments, which turned into constant put downs and i remember one night he was high and foced me to give him oral and i literally had to do it all night (8 hours and yes i had gone numb and was in so much pain). When he lived together he would come home from work and start yelling at me the moment he walked in the door. He would ask what i did all day, where i had been, constantly accused me of lying and cheating and everything. After i had our daughter he started raping me every couple of days - if i resisted he held me down and forced me or kicked me in the legs and shoved me in the back or side. He restrained me pretty much every night even if it was just an arm across my stomach and i tried to move him he would push down and hurt me to reinforce his power over me.

He controlled everything and i always got asked 50 questions a day and had to report everything to him. If i missed a call from him during the day i would pay for it that night. This went on and on. He would always leave our daughter in a wet nappy and it would be my fault cos i was at work at night and wasnt there to change her. He made all my friends feel very unwelcome in our house and they stopped visiting.

I was with him on and off for over 7 years. I left and returned to him 4 times in the relationship. I had to do what HE wanted. i had to talk how he wanted me to.



I made this group to meet others who have or are still in this situation. I feel that it is EXTREMELY important to have support and understanding from people who have been there. I thought it would be valuable for us to get to know each other and exchange ideas and advice and help whenever we can.



I am still being abused by my ex. He texts me several times a day to see what im doing. If i go out for a girls night and he looks after our daughter i get asked where i went, who i was with, what time i got there, what i did there, if i got hit on by any guys, if i met any guys, what time i got home and the list goes on. The shit hit the fan last week when i had a friend over who happened to be a guy Kim called me a liar and said everything you can possibly imagine. He has a way of making me feel like i have to justify everything still. He drives past my house and constantly checks up on me.



I am in counselling and on anti-depressants because of him. He has really messed up my head. My whole way of thinking has completely changed. I am still scared of him and am not strong enought yet to stant up to him.



I beg of you Nikki. A tiger doesnt change his stripes. Don't go back. It may be good for a while but once an abuser always an abuser!



Love Shaz

Nikki - posted on 11/13/2008

um... well I was always a single mum my ex was hopless as you can imagin.. I guess I dont know any better really so I'm doing ok just have lots of support like PN depression group, nurse I see once a fortnight and I've just signed up to Domestic violence services and I have the support of my mum for couple hours at nite and on weekends. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I still talk to my ex from time to time, he claims he's changed he accually got a job, seing a shrink, has a place.. all the things he refused to do when I was with him, so all of a sudden he expects me to come back so it's kinda confusing, but one thing I know is someone doesnt change over night and like I could ever forgive him for all that he did to me over the time I was with him, so much happened. but anyway may I ask what happened in your life to want to create this group?

Sharon - posted on 11/13/2008

Hello Nikki and Aiden,



Good on you for getting out. Are you safe now? Do you still have contact with your ex?

That situation with your ex while your son was watching must have been horrible. Do you have a restraining order or anything?

How are you coping with being a single mum?



Shaz

Nikki - posted on 11/12/2008

hi, well I've been separated with my sons dad for around 4 months, I was with him for almost 4 years and the only good thing to come of it was my son, long story short it ended with him loosing it on the day I had to take my son to hospital coz he was pretty sick, my ex lost it over somthing small and strangeld me while my son was sitting behind me watching, and god knows there are plenty more storys from the last 4 years where that came from. I'm really glad to see that there is a mums group for other mums who have gone or still going threw the same thing, for people who havent been there it's really not somthing they could understand.. god looking back I still dont understand. look forward to meeting you all.

Nikki and Aiden