Child's father doesn't give a $%#! about my time!

Amarilis - posted on 07/30/2010

i think you did your part well if u need help money wise just take him 2 court he might get to take him during the weekends or something...but if not then it his lose u did your part that is all that matters

Kelina - posted on 07/26/2010

There's probably a little truth in everything. Different judges will decide different things and unfortunately the truth of the matter is that honest people often end up screwed over. Because lies always sound better. If he continues on the way he's doing i would tell him to come back when he's really ready to be a dad and not make the half assed attempt, especially if you're getting nervous about taking him to court. If he's really serious about being part of baby's life he will be the one to start court proceedings and get uou guys into a mediator. Since he's not on the birht certificate, he'd have to take you to court to prove he's the father anyways just to get legal visitation. Good luck!

K - posted on 07/26/2010

See, that makes sense! I have spoken to so many people and everyone says something a little different so I don't know what to believe anymore. I talked to someone today at the Family Justice Services office (where they had originally told me numerous times the same thing you're telling me) and the girl today said it wasn't really a black and white situation and he could take him if he wanted to but if I want to say no he can't come that's my choice and could end up taking me to court which could look worse for me. The reason I called them was to do up an application to take him to court to get it figured out and the girl I talked to said they usually make you do mediation first so I don't know if I should just leave it. My ex is a great liar and I'm sure he could BS his way through making me look like the bad guy so I don't know how much I want to do it. I'm so terrified of coming out of it with less rights than I had coming in. I almost wonder if I should just leave it alone again. Because like you said they will do a DNA test and everything and wouldn't that be legally acknowledging him as the father and wouldn't that give him more rights if he has none as it is? It's so confusing haha everyone I talk to says something a little bit different and that's lawyers included.

Desiree - posted on 07/26/2010

if he's not on the birth certificate & you let him take him, say for the day or over night, & he never brought him back. it would be kidnap. just because theres no paper saying he has specific visitation rights or anything doesnt mean he can take him as he pleases. my fiancé & i dont live together(yet) & he IS on our baby's birth certificate but b/c we live seperately I have full custody. if i didnt want him to see her i wouldnt have to. unless he took me to court for visitation rights. YOU are mom. YOU are on the birth certificate. hes not. he has no legal rights to that baby until he goes to court. you can let anybody take the baby for a day, a night, a week even but when its time to come home & baby doesnt come home its kidnapping. if he truly wants to be a part of your childs life take him to court for proper visitation rights & child support. whether he's in that child's life or not he helped create the baby, he can help support the baby. (mind you since he is not on the birth certificate there will need to be a court appointed dna test to prove hes the father & then u can move on from there with the rest of the court issues)

K - posted on 07/25/2010

That's the thing. If he would just go away I would be willing to let it go but if he is going to be involved in my sons life then yes, child support is important to me. Especially if he thinks he can come and go as he pleases, he might as well be giving me some money to help support his child while he's at it. Also someone informed me after I posted this that if I was to let him take my son on his own (which I won't at this point, but if I did) there is nothing saying he has to bring him back unless I have a custody order put in place even if he isn't on the birth certificate or anything so it looks like I might have to go to court either way now. I really like the idea of talking to him first because I don't think anyone wants to go to court but I have been trying to do that since we broke up a year ago and it clearly goes nowhere with him. I guess I feel kind of stupid for giving him another chance but if it had turned out the right way I think it would have been worth it. At this point I just feel like I gave him a chance, we both knew it was the last one and I'm kind of done with the back and forth. It would be nice for my son to have his father but not if his father clearly doesn't care about him enough to even come see him when he says he will. I think I'm going to speak to a mediator tomorrow and see how it goes from there. Thank you again for your advice!!

Kelina - posted on 07/25/2010

Well, i think it depends. Is it important for you to get child support? If it's not, then don't bother with court. Even with court appointed visits, he may not show up. You can only lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink. I think it's a good idea to set up times when he can come over and visit and if he doesn't show up, that's his own fault and let him know that.(Maybe just don't say it exactly like that though) Make him take responsibility for his relationship with your son. Also let him know you're only going to be home for x amount of time and after that, he can come at the next set up time. I think if he wants to have a relationship with your son though, that you shouldn't give up on him just yet. Don't force it, don't call him too much. I can definitely understand it being frustrating, it drives me insane when friends don't call to say they're going to be late or not coming, let alone someone who's going to be a big part of my childs life.
Why don't you wait and see how it goes after you talk to him, and if he makes more of an effort that's great! If not and you find it's too stressful maybe try a new system. Let him know maybe when you go to the park or something, when you have a baby activity planned and let him know that he is welcome to come. That way you're not wasting time, and you don't expect him to be there. You can have a good time either way! I hope this helps, good luck!

K - posted on 07/25/2010

Thank you for responding :) When I told him that he could have a second chance I said we need to sit down and figure out days that would work for both of us and he said he wasn't expecting there to be time limits on things. He has only been coming around since Tuesday that's why I haven't really pushed the schedule thing yet and also why I'm so upset he was already late. When our son was first born my ex was late every time he came to see him and the last time he was supposed to come he was a no show. This time around, I make a point to tell him give me notice and if you're going to be late just tell me but he never does. He doesn't have a job so he doesn't have a schedule to follow which is why I won't accept him sleeping in whatever the reason is. It is just SO frustrating! It feels like he thinks he can just go out and do whatever he wants because he knows I will sit here waiting which is definitely not the case. I said this was his last chance but do you think it's too harsh to make this be the final straw and take him to court or should I wait and see how this week goes?

Kelina - posted on 07/25/2010

TRy sitting down and working out a visitation schedule, have a mediator present if necessary. I find that different people have entirely different concepts of time, especially when they don't have children. We used to have a friend who'd arrive consistently an hour late, simply because that was how his day was scheduled. If you work nights, or even afternoons, your whole day looks completely different than someones who works mornings. Sit down, try and work something out, and try to see things from both sides. Yes he was late and he pissed you off cause he slept in. Why did he oversleep? was it a good reason or a bad reason? And try not to lose your temper, set up times for him to come over every week, and if he sleeps in then he doesn't get to see baby. That's his own fault. But try to set up a time that in convenient for both of you. Good luck!