Forced pregnancy

Belle - posted on 02/07/2011 ( 32 moms have responded )

3

0

0

I've only just turned 18 and next year i plan to go to University. My fiancie is a lot older than me and can be very controlling. I few months ago i found out i was pregnant and knowing that My partner would want to keep it and absolutly adores children I didnt want to tell him and get an abortion because I'm still at school and want to focus on that. It's not that I dont want children but i am no where near ready to be mother. A couple of weeks later I had the date booked when i could abort (please dont make refrence to religion or what not because i'm not religous.) but I had texted a friend about it and forgot to delete the text. I can not describe how angry he was when he found out that i was planning to abort it, i told him the reason why i didnt which is the fact he would make me keep it and he wouldnt even deny it. He can be violent sometimes but i know he would make an amazing father and i do plan to have children with him but he doesnt seem to get that i want to wait. He keeps telling me i dont need school or to go to Uni because i already live with him and he is quite wealthy. I cant run back to my foster parents because they dont have any room for me. My only choice is to stay with him but he said that if i gave up this kid he would leave me. How can i get him to wait?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Christina - posted on 02/07/2011

1,513

28

140

Um, my first problem with this whole thing is that you said he can be violent! RED FLAG!!! Leave now. Why would you want to reproduce with someone who is abusive?

Corryne - posted on 02/10/2011

28

24

2

ok i know this is an all mums website, but i happened to walk past the computer and seen this page that my wife was looking at. so im going to give you some advice from a males point of view.
first of all i agree with all the ladies comments where they have said that you should leave, but i think if you want to have this abortion you will have no choice but to leave, if this man is a violent person how do you think he will react if you get rid of the child he wants to keep?
we all know us males like to be the dominate one in a relationship but when the man is much older then his partner, the need to be dominate comes on much stronger and if he's being violent the two dont mix very well.

Sarah - posted on 02/09/2011

628

36

19

First off it is your decision to make not ours.
Why would you want to be with a violent, manipulative man? I would have to say that he will not be a good father if he is abusive.
However, i don't think its fair on him that you would make such a decision without him. It is his baby too and even if he is a prick he deserves to know. I think its wrong that you would decide what to do with the life of his baby without even talking to him.
I think your whole relationship is unhealthy and perhaps it would be best if you did separate. He cant control your whole life, or your childs if you decide to keep it.
If you found out a few months ago then its probably too late to abort, and i would hate to think you would abort a viable baby?
You can always go back to school later. Having a baby doesnt ruin your life only puts it on hold.
Anyway good luck with your decision! I hope you make the right choice and not one that you will regret later. I also hope you stay away from your violent partner. good luck!

Evie - posted on 02/07/2011

19

0

0

as a girl that has had an abortion before, if you honestly do not feel ready no one i mean NO ONE should tell you to keep it. this is your life, this is your body and your future. and as a mother this should be a decision only you make for you and the child. if you decide you will get an abortion make sure you do it timely, i dont want to rush you but it is better for your health when it is done at a very early stage. the choice to go to school is an amazing choice a lot of people take for granted and if that is your goal focus on it no matter what, if he were to leave, you have your schooling to fall back on. get yourself educated get yourself ahead to where you can take care of yourself, and once you reach that point and a man wants to take care of you then you decide that yourself as long as you have it as your plan b in case he leaves, or god forbid dies, etc. if you choose to have this baby make sure you know its the right decision for you, you are the woman that will have to give things up, create new habits, eat certain things, and give permission for this fetus to develop in your body, and you are the woman who will go through childbirth, no one else. take some time alone with yourself and think! this is your choice your safety and your future.

Lisa - posted on 02/07/2011

346

61

39

so did u abort the baby yet?? see i dont htink he will be one for reason to be honest!! but why are you wanting to have children with a violent man??? this confuses me as this is not a good enviroment for any child trust me! but having a baby both sides have to be ready not just 1 side or u will end up resenting this baby. but it looks like u get rid and he goes too but u keep and dont get the chance to do what u want with ur life and by all means this is UR life ... it entierly up to u but the fact he can b violent would put me off having children with this man :)

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

32 Comments

View replies by

Kagisho - posted on 08/01/2011

46

16

3

Sounds like you're in an abusive relationship but somewhat in denial. this can only lead to the violence becoming worse and perhaps even life-threatening. the last thing you want to do is bring a child into it, esp when you are being forced to do it. raising a baby is hard enough even when you wanted it. the sleepless nights, the teething days, and the toll the pregnancy takes on your physical and emotional self. i can't imagined doing it under pressure. at some point you're going to resent the baby because you'll feel even more trapped when he/she is born that you are feeling right now. ask yourself why your fiancee feels it's not necessary for you to go to uni. because the less educated you are, the more control he will have over you. the situation is already complicated enough; try to get some help from relatives or even social services, and if it's too late to abort look toward adoption. and stand your ground when it comes to your educaton. don't let anyone take away that dream. good luck

Tina - posted on 07/30/2011

1,314

28

301

Why are you still with him. If you weren't on the pill and were relying on condoms. Chances are you'd be in the same boat again going through another abortion. You got off scott free this time. You've got your free pass take it. A baby died in order for you to be happy with your relationship. It can't be a very good relationship and it wont last. How long before he finds out your on the pill then what. Your whole relationship is based on lies. Find someone else who doesn't want kids.

Christina - posted on 07/29/2011

1,513

28

140

You need to leave him! He isn't going to change. This is a charade to get you pregnant again and trap you.

Belle - posted on 07/28/2011

3

0

0

So yet again i completely forgot about this site ha. ha ha. My bad. Anywho so i actually went through with the abortion even though it was risky because Sly was being a ridiculous person like being over protected and trying to get me out of school. I actually think i went through with it like a week after that old post so it must have been several months ago now. Everything is well, I told Sly that it was a miscarriage and got the doctor to tell him that it was so he wouldn't suspect. They have put me on the pill but he doesn't know, he is trying to get me pregnant again (i found a condom with a hole cut in the top) but he wont win. I found it quite funny. He has been really sweet though and he hasn't even got very angry since because he thinks i am upset over it. I am back at school and quite happy so everything has worked out. I am kind of glad this happened anyway because i love the new Sly a lot. Keep you updated if anything interesting but at the moment life is good :D

Erica - posted on 03/23/2011

4

15

1

Ok im 18 and i was in a relationship just like yours with my sons father. (only difference is i never even thought about abortion.) but hun take it from me the way i ended up getting out was by him overdosing and becoming a vegitable because i waited too long. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! PLEASE! Abusive men have no place having a family or a relationship. take it for someone who knows from personal experience. i know you love him and you feel like you cant live without him. he "makes you happy" and he "takes care of you" when reality is you only think you love him because deep down you feel trapped by this man. thats what abuse does. it traps you. then you try to block it out and make excuses. its not right. its not ever going to change. your miserable and its only going to get worse unless you get out now! i promise you. so please get away from him and live your life the way you want to. you dont need no man to contorl you and tell you how to live.

Claire - posted on 03/23/2011

118

10

9

You need to put YOURSELF first. Just step back and think about this situation... Should anyone be forced into getting pregnant, having a baby, and raising this baby until he or she is at least 18 years old... If you don't know the answer, it's NO! Even though it seems like this guy would be a good father and all, it doesn't sound like he would make a good husband and partner to YOU. Don't let him drag you down or change your plans for him!!! It is your life and you are in control of it. It will be hard, but you need to get away from him before something bad happens.

Tina - posted on 03/14/2011

1,314

28

301

I wouldn't normally recommend this in a relationship but the best thing you could do is leave and without telling him or he'll make it hard for you. I know there are feelings involved and so on. It will get better down the track you'll see you did the right thing. If you're worried about getting your things out it may be better to get them later and get a police officer or someone to be present when you do it so you'll feel safe. If he hurts you or even threatens to he will do it again. It may not be for ages but he will do it again.

Sarah - posted on 03/14/2011

628

36

19

If he is violent to you, it is pretty much a guarantee he will be violent to your child as well i'm sorry to say.
Violent abusive controllers, will hurt their whole family, not just their partner.
Be honest with him but get away!!!!
Seriously, i understand that you love him but GET OUT NOW!
I'm glad you aren't getting a late abortion. I think they are terrible since babies can survive from 24 weeks.
If adoption is what you want then that is what you need to do.
Whatever is in your heart, we can't tell you.
All we can say, and i think everyone has, is get away from your partner!
He obviously wants to be a dad, and if you take that away from him (which i think you should) he is likely to become much more abusive!
Please, just leave him!
Do whatever you think is best for your baby, whether that's raising it yourself or giving it away to a loving family, and do it without him!

Sorry to ask, but why don't you want your baby?
I'm not judging you or anything i'm just curious :)

Good luck!! xx

Belle - posted on 03/13/2011

3

0

0

sorry it took me forever to reply i forgot i had put a post on here. I'm amazed at the feed back i have gotten from this. i have never had a problem with abortion and i know it wouldnt affect me if i did get one but unfortunately I rung the clinic and they said im too far along. If i really wanted too I can do i different kind of one but it can be really dangerous if i want more children and for my health. So i am thinking of adoption like some of you said. I'm not sure what i should do about Sly though, my friend said i could stay with her but i'm scared of breaking up with him, I want to because he is violent and controlling but i still love him, i have no idea why. He's never hit me but he forces me to do stuff by saying he will. I have tryed to leave him once before and he grabbed me and locked me in our bedroom for a couple of days, i rung the police but because it was over the weekend and there was no evidence he did they couldnt do anything about it. Sly is super excited about the baby, he keeps asking me what i think of all these names hes come up with. It's not all that bad i love being with him and its always fun he usually never gets angry but when he does i want out. I just dont know how. I told my friend, she knows all about it and she doesnt know what to do ether.

[deleted account]

Red flag with the violent man! I would not want to stay with someone who is violent even if it is "sometimes."

I am pro choice so I think that you should do what YOU think is best. Everyone has their reasons for what they choose to do, and you should not have to feel pressured to do something that you are not comfortable with. I also think that women need to have something for themselves. I don't think that it is right to solely rely on the man for the money and the home etc. I think that it is great that you want an education for yourself because it will be important in the future.

It almost sounds like he is not worth your time and effort. If he can't learn to communicate and meet you half-way then he is a bad person to be around. You need to remember that you are also a human being and you are entitled to happiness. If you put up with him and this nonsense then he will only treat you worse down the line.

Amber - posted on 02/27/2011

12

45

1

Wow that is a tough situation to be in. Although it does sound like you are to far for an abortion there are many other options. Have you guys ever considered an open adoption? It does not sound like you have a safe home to raise a child, being a child from an abusive home please do not put any child through that. Talk with a social worker, they will have a ton of resources that can help you. You can do this annonomusly as well. There are so many options for you and this baby, dont stay with him because you feel there is no other options. There is so much out to help girls in your situation. Just do your research. I wish you the best of luck!

Taygan - posted on 02/24/2011

12

36

1

That is a very difficult situation. And i have the same question as everyone else. Why would you want to have kids (let alone be in a relationship) with a controlling violent man? He may say he loves kids and would do no harm to them, but truth is, a violent person is violent no matter who is around. He may not do anything to the child but that wont stop him from being controlling and violent towards you. Is there no one you could stay with for a while untill you can get on your feet? I personally dont believe in abortion and would never do it. And dont recomend it becuase it will scar you physically and emotionally, but carry on the with pregnancy and give it up for adoption. And for God sakes.. leave the man. You need to what is best for you. Giving your child up for adoption is THE MOST unselfish thing you could do. There are so many families who cannot have kids, and would love for the opportunity to adopt. It is the best gift you could give a family.

Tina - posted on 02/21/2011

1,314

28

301

I'm sorry you probably don't want to hear this. But even if your fiance adores children it's not fair to bring a child into a relationship with violence. I've seen so much domestic violence as a kid it never changes they say they're sorry and they wont do it again and all the rest but they don't change and really you're a young woman do you really need someone controlling you for the rest of your life my advice get out now. I was married at a young age. I persistied with the marriage for sometime with a controlling man. I eventually got out but it's like a lost my whole identity and dreams. If there isn't any friends or family you can stay with their should be a womans shelter or somewhere you can turn to that help woman in violent relationships. Where the baby is concerned you always consider adopting it out as an option. I'm not going to judge you on wanting to get an abortion it's your choice but not an easy one. A friend of mine was due to have a baby around the same time as i had my son. She had an abortion. And she has alot of regret and it can be quite depressing for her. She spends alot of time with friends children. Just be sure that is all i'm saying.

Annie - posted on 02/20/2011

36

12

0

First, I just wanted to say I think it's great that you're actually admitting that you may not be ready to be a parent, and want to fulfill your education before starting a family.

To be completely honest, what I'd do is find out if you were still able TO go thru with an abortion, and if you still can - go get it, and tell him you mis-carried. You don't honestly want to raise a baby in this environment. I was 20 when I had my daughter with my 'fiancee' and it crumbled and burned and now we're alone all the time, with no help from him whatsoever... Surprise, you dont want to end up where I am now working 4 jobs because I dont have my education.

Melysa - posted on 02/16/2011

171

19

13

it sounds as though an abortion is now not possible due to the stage you are at in the pregnancy, but if you are not ready perhaps he could take responsibility for the child! if you truely believe that he would make a good father then perhaps you can both have what you want, him his child and you your degree! I am about to embark on a degree myself and I have 5 kids, they are not a hindrence to your life they may present extra challenges but these challenges only make you stronger!!
If you are not ready to become a parent, there is nothing to say you have to!
You can not let another person stop you from forfilling your dream you will resent them if you want to go to uni then you should, if you want to stay with him then you need to tell him that an education is important to you and that it has nothing to do with the money, you just want to be able to do this for you! If he loves you than he will support you on this, if he can not support you doing what you want to do then perhaps a marriage with him is not the right step to take. you are not alone there is always somewhere to turn, a shelter or perhaps you may be able to apply for on campus accomadation and a scholarship what ever you do I hope you do not end up regretting your decisions

Kyla - posted on 02/10/2011

4

0

0

Children are amazing I'm not going to lie. But the worst thing you can do is have a baby when you don't think you're ready. I see too many families that have problems for this very reason. And having a baby just to please a guy is no way to live. I can understand how he can be upset, personally I'm not emotionally stable enough to have an abortion. But that's just me. No one ever thinks they can resent their children but many parents who aren't ready feel cheated, and even if they don't try to they subconsiously take it out on their families. Its your life. Its your choice. You shouldn't let hime take that from you. If you have nowhere to go I assure you someone out there is willing to help, assosiations, or friends. Don't put yourself or a child through pain they don't need. Its up to you. Good luck :)

Erin - posted on 02/10/2011

12

6

1

if u found out ur pregnant its probably to late to abort, but maybe try adoption? As for school, yes its more challenging with a baby but I have a 15 month old son and im 17, this will be my 3rd quarter in college and im managing just fine. A baby is no excuse to stop school. as for the relationship, my boyfriend used to be violent (never hit me tho) but after we had my son i have seen a total change. but now that he does no about the baby, he should have a say in things (But his voice shouldnt be the only one thats heard). whatever u choose to do i wish the best for u!

KELLIKAYZ - posted on 02/10/2011

105

28

10

OK I SEE YOU CANNOT GO HOME, I FINISHED YOUR POST. BABY GIRL, YOU ARE NOT DESTINED TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU AS A PIECE OF PROPERTY. PLEASE, HURRY AND FILL OUT A PELL GRANT AND FOR LOANS FOR COLLEGE NOW BEFORE THE MARCH DEADLINE AND MOVE NOW AND FURTHER YOUR EDUCATION AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. YOU HAVE TO CUT OFF ALL TIES WITH HIM, I'M SERIOUS. YOU NEED TO LEAVE AND DO IT WITHOUT HIM KNOWING AND WHEN HE IS GONE. UNTIL THEN, PLAY ALONG WITH WHATEVER HE SAYS. IF I SOUND DISTRESSED IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE SERIOUSLY IN DANGER. PLEASE READ ALL OF THE SIGNS AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

KELLIKAYZ - posted on 02/10/2011

105

28

10

DEAR GOD SWEETIE, I COULD NOT EVEN FINISH READING ONCE I GOT DOWN TO HIM BEING VIOLENT. GET OUT PERIOD. LOVE IS NOT CONTROLLING, SCARY, VIOLENT, ETC. PLEASE GO TO A FAMILY MEMBER OR A FRIEND YOU TRUST THAT HE DOES NOT KNOW. GOOGLE SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE MAN, YOU ALREADY MENTIONED 2 THAT HE HAS IN YOUR POST. PLEEEEASE GET OUT BEFORE ANYTHING HAPPENS TO YOU HONEY, BEING YOUNG DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO STAY AND OBEY. IF YOU DO NOT LEAVE AND GET AWAY FROM THIS ABUSIVE "MAN" IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE. PLEASE USE YOUR HEAD, YOU ALREADY QUESTION YOUR RELATIONSHIP I CAN TELL, TRUST THAT INSTINCT AND GET OUT. PLEASE.

Mercedes - posted on 02/10/2011

33

29

1

Leave Him!! I lost a baby due to a man 5 years older than me telling me to keep it but loosing his cool cause he was abusive and controlling to begin with. Beat me and I lost my child. You don't want child with a man like that. Iv had a horrible experince with my ex who stalked me until 5 months ago for 2 years, After I had both my babies.And he just wasn't in my life. be hard and alot to go through. But leave him. It doean;t get better, it only gets worse. And as far as abortions I don't believe in and support, not due to religious reasons but for others and due to losing my baby due to anothers choice. In the end its your choice, but I hope you know. You can do it. I did and still continuing on with life. In everyway, somethings change, but it is well worth it.

Melissa - posted on 02/10/2011

472

1

12

pleas please dont kill your baby because of a wrong decision you have made, the minute you have unprotected sex you are responsible for the consequences and are responsible for carrying that baby whether you adopt it out or keep it. Can you adopt the baby out to somoene who can give it a life so you can continue with what you want to do uni etc? theres so manypeople out there who want to have a child and cant and they have so much love to give. Please consider other options then termination. It is ultimately your choice whether you raise the child or not but I hope you will nto chose to abort

Emma - posted on 02/09/2011

38

51

6

Leave him NOW. He is no good for you. He'll end up hurting you!! Even if you keep your baby or whatever you do, he is a LOSER to treat you that way.You are letting youself be used and disrespected.

[deleted account]

Gosh girl!! Re read what u have written, and have a big think about it. this guy has you wrapped around his little finger! He is controlling, violent and emotionally abusive. Please please leave him and find a man who treats u well!

Roxanne - posted on 02/07/2011

61

59

6

I noticed you said you found out you were pregnant a few months ago, depending on how far along you were then, you might not even be able to have an abortion now cause you might be to far along.

User - posted on 02/07/2011

165

0

25

im very pro life but a decision is YOUR decision. thats the point not i nor your crappy violent fiance can tell you what to do.
And the fact is that you cant be with a man who reacts this way and treats you like you can be kept and punish as he pleases.

Marylea - posted on 02/07/2011

236

3

24

First off your fiance sounds very abusive and your relationship sounds unhealthy. Secondly I think that its not fair for you to get an abortion without having talked to your fiance. Its his child too. The two of you obviously dont have a good relationship if you were planning on keeping such a thing from him. If you leaves you its probably for the best.

Courtney - posted on 02/07/2011

21

5

0

Your in quite a difficult decision here...

Really think about what your doing though, an abortion wouldn't just be an easy way out. I suppose when it comes to things like this people have different views and make different choices, but at the end of the day only you can make that choice, just chose the right one for you. But he is the father of the baby and you've got to think how you'd feel opposite way round...

Abortions come with a lot of disadvantages as well but the biggest thing is if you think you'd be able to cope emotionally after it, I personally couldn't.

You can always go back to Uni, but you may never have the opportunity of becoming a mummy again...

But on the other hand violence is never a good environment for a child to be brought up in and your post sort of suggests that you might not be 100% happy with your fiance, and if he's controlling and violent I can see why not!

But think about it fully before you do anything, its your choice to make! Do what feels right and makes you 'happiest', thats the most important thing, happiness.



But remember lifes too short to hang around...



and good luck! x

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms