friends after your baby!

Briony - posted on 02/24/2009 ( 67 moms have responded )

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i was just wondering if any of you feel like you've lost a'lot of your friends since having your babies? my little boy is 7months now and i used to be out all the time and always with my friends and now i hardly see anyone!

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Tracy - posted on 03/01/2009

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I was 17 when I had my son.  I just turned 30 last week.  I wish I could tell you that things will change as you get older - but it probably won't.  As you age, so does your child (obviously).  The people who are your age don't have kids now.  Later, when they do have babies, your child will be older - maybe even a teenager.  People your age will always be "in a different place" than you.  When you are discussing bike riding and dating with your child, everyone else will want to talk about rolling over and colic.  You will start to have more "freedom" as your child will be more and more able to care for themselves (not needing you to constantly hold their hand) while people your age will be in the opposite situation.  You can try hanging out with people older than you who already have children close to your child's age.  The problem is that they will almost always view you are a child yourself and want to give you advice.  This will NEVER change. All of my friends disappeared when I was pregnant, except one.  We've been friends for around 23 years now.  My son is 12 years old and her kids are 15 months and 2 months.  Though we've remained friends and always there for each other, she has enjoyed going out and "playing" while I've been raising my son.  Now that my son is older and hanging out with his own friends, I have a LITTLE time to go do what I want to do but she is now tied with her children.



You WILL however, inevitably find some people who will be able to connect with you in things other than parenting.  I'm not saying that you won't ever have friends again, just that the basis of many of your friendships will likely be outside of family-related chatter.  Joining groups based on a common interest is a great way to make friends. 



If it makes you feel any better, think of it this way:  If your friends are no longer coming around then it's because your attention is not on them.  THAT'S A GOOD THING!  Your attention is right where it needs to be!  Someone who has a ton of teenagers still hanging out all the time *likely* isn't focusing on their child.  You are being great mothers!

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Lisa - posted on 09/24/2010

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I actually lost 95% of my friends including a person i had been best friends with sense elementary school.
Its a sad realization but most people my own age are at a lower maturity level then I am now...
So being around them just isnt the same anymore.
But having a baby as a Teen you either grow up and become a responsible parent or you continue acting like a child and let your own child suffer for your choices...
I'd take having a couple close friends and my bundle of joy over those people i used to know any day!

Lisa - posted on 09/24/2010

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I feel the like that too, except I have been feeling like that for almost 6 years now. I have 2 boys, 5 1/2 and 2 1/2.

Rebecca - posted on 09/24/2010

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The most I ever do with my old friends now is meet them for coffee with my 1 month old daughter every couple of weeks... We don't really have anything in common anymore, but that's all right. I've moved on to a different chapter in my life and they're stuck in their teenage-party days, not knowing what to do with their lives. I'm excited to start making new friends, with more interests in common with me than just liking coffee.

Stephanie - posted on 09/24/2010

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I def know exactly what you mean. A lot of the friends i use to hang out with and everything don't even talk to me anymore since I have my daughter and it's been 2 years now. But that's when I just started making friends with the people around my age that had a child(ren) just like me.. it makes it a little bit easier to deal with.. and that way you have something in common with these people.

Rebeka - posted on 09/24/2010

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After I Had My Son, I Did Lose Alot Of My Friends. They Didn't Think I Was "Cool" Enough To Hang Out AnyMore. Thing Is, I Had Responsibilities. I Dropped All Of My Friends For My Family. That Was The Best Decision For Me And My Family. I Did Go Out Alot Before Aiden, But It Just Doesn't Feel Right To Leave Him At Home So Now I Can Be A Teenager For A Few Hours. I Always Wonder What He's Doing And If He's Ok Rather Than Enjoying My Only Night Out. So For The Past Few Months, I've Been Home Every Night. I Don't Have Time For Friends AnyMore And I Want It That Way. So Don't Focus On How Many Friends You've Lost, Or Who Doesn't Talk To You AnyMore. Worry About Your Baby Boy Or Girl. They Depend On Every Second Of Your Time.

Stifler's - posted on 09/13/2010

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I still have all my friends. I don't need to be out every night or see people every day, I never did.

Nelly - posted on 09/13/2010

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Yeah I lost all my friends ever since I had my son.. I really don't mind cause I gained friends that have kids..I guess I lost my friends cuz once I got pregnant my mentality changed and I grew up and didn't really tolerate kid s**t and they did things I didn't agree on so they all left me but i did get to meet moms my age :)

Kelsey - posted on 09/13/2010

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I agree, i dont have anything in common with my friends anymore because our priorites are so different now. Ive desperately been seeking some fellow mommy friends

Megan - posted on 09/13/2010

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I didn't really have this problem. Because the only had two of my best friends i really cared about and i never lost them. They were so excited to have a nephew....Even thought they are not related to me really.

Jennifer - posted on 09/13/2010

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So when I found out I was pregnant and told my friends, thats when I lost mostly all of them. They were kinda two-faced. When they found out i gave birth to my daughter, they wanted to see her and what not. They never came to any of my baby showers or asked how my pregnancy was going or anything. I just told them if you guys really cared about me you would've stayed by my side and be support me.

Jaimi - posted on 09/13/2010

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yeah they always have better things to do then hang out with a mommy or they want to do stuff like float down river and i will not let my 2 year old do that life jacket or not lol common sense right? anyway i also feel like when we do hang out that i have grown up a lot and i find myself a little bored when i am with them because the problems they rant about seem so small. not that i dont love helping out or just being there to listen. and it seems sometimes like a lot of the other young moms that are around are competitive with their kids, i just want to be able to have a conversation with another mom and let our kids play not compete at who's is smarter or prettier lol. although every mommy does know there own kids are cutest! lol and its true for everyone.

Ays - posted on 09/12/2010

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I feel like that alot i just really wish i could find other young single mother in my area so i dont feel so alone. I get so lonely now i feel like crying alot only because no one understands what i go through everyday.

[deleted account]

Its never the same afterwards, your parent friends are funner because you have something to talk about,and your family aunts, uncles and parents are constantly coming over... you have no time really to socialise whilst the new baby era is going on in your life..you get a little baby centered and fall into the onsie abyss. Your busy.You don't have time to talk, your just happy that baby xxxxxx has slept thru the night, or saw his/her first fireworks. Thats precious, but we have not heard anything new about you in a while you have not called so therefore baby wins, rightful winner they should always come first, thats why were never sore losers. Some of us just wait to see if a bit of the person we once knew came out enriched or enthralled.

[deleted account]

I am not a parent... I googled "I lost my friend to the baby" and got here..so I decided to come here and share whats happening to my friends. I am 26, married, no kids. I am infertile. I know some of you are going to accuse me of being biased because I am bitter, but birthing your own is not the only option if you want to be a mom these days before you go grab your pitch forks. After you give birth and hold your child your brain releases the same hormones that make you feel in love. So ever seen that couple that makes kissy faces and calls eachother annoying petnames, and wants to double date all the time...you have just become that only you have fallen in love with your baby. Theres nothing wrong with falling in with your baby, its just that you have started talking about your baby endlessly and going to play dates and making new friends because you are in that wonderful honeymoon period with your new baby. We are on the outside, thinking wtf is a breast pump or gripe water...you are tired with your new baby and don't come out, you make us feel akward when we say we are busy/tired and you say you don't know the meaning of busy or tired, you just cleaned the whole house, played baby mozart and did six loads of laundry after looking after baby. We had a hard day at work and hit the gym afterwards. You start talking about different milestones...the only milestones we know about is the bar just off Richmond. And we try to understand but we feel like we have lost temporarily lost our friend and try to wait until you come back from the land of the teletubbies to hit the bar or go shopping. Its a big adjustment, some people can't wait. I bring my friends back from the abyss. I wait for them to get settled... that sometimes depends on the amount of children, if they have had kids before 3 months, if its a different gender 6 months and then if its a first timer then 12 months with calls and occausional invites asking them if they want to go out...but you can see how it could be a little akward for us, were not all party animals,

Sarah - posted on 08/08/2010

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I pretty much stopped talking to all of my friends when I found out I was pregnant. I only talk to 2 people I was friends with before my LO came along. I was more interested in my baby and what was happening with my pregnancy, and they were more interested in partying.

Amy - posted on 08/08/2010

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It's been like this for my since November. I had all my friends until my son was 4 months and I dropped out of school. I used to have a lot of friends and now I only have about 10, but my mom tells me that having a few true friends is better than being friends with a ton of fakes. ♥ And that motivated me to get rid of the rest of the fakes. ♥ Don't worry hun this is where you discover who was always a true friend and who wasn't.

Hannah - posted on 08/08/2010

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i didnt loose all my friends but i lost most of them.. i didnt loose my bestfriend because she was like "your my best friend 1 baby or 1000 babies your not getting rid of me" and she was really supportive also my brothers girlfriend was there aswel as she had a baby the year before! so it was really goood that way but i still miss being invited out and i dont actually see my bestfriend much so sometimes i can get a bit lonely! its good to have other friends who have babies aswel as that just makes things easier! my little girl is 6months and i dont regret having her!

Kylie - posted on 06/08/2009

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Quoting Tracy:



  I wish I could tell you that things will change as you get older - but it probably won't.  As you age, so does your child (obviously).  The people who are your age don't have kids now.  Later, when they do have babies, your child will be older - maybe even a teenager.  People your age will always be "in a different place" than you.  When you are discussing bike riding and dating with your child, everyone else will want to talk about rolling over and colic.  You will start to have more "freedom" as your child will be more and more able to care for themselves (not needing you to constantly hold their hand) while people your age will be in the opposite situation.  You can try hanging out with people older than you who already have children close to your child's age.  The problem is that they will almost always view you are a child yourself and want to give you advice.  This will NEVER change.






I have to agree with Tracy on this one. I was 17 when I had my first and I had friends in the same situation but we lost touch over the years. I have moved around alot and changed schools and churches and i have never felt comfortable with my daughters friends parents. They are all in their late 40s and early 50s now and i am 31.



I never get asked to anything (not for lack of trying) and the worst is that my daughter misses out on quite a bit too. The other parents think my husband and i are not responsible!!



I have had 2 babies die, one stillborn and one SIDS and these people think I am not responsible or old enough for their children to be friends with my daughter...



It makes me sick



 

Kym - posted on 06/08/2009

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Heyy... I no the feeling my son is now 16 months old. i fell preg at 14 and had my son at 15 i dropped out of school and lost all my friends, since they r still going out drinking all the time and doing drugs and im not like that anymore. I dont talk to any of the ppl i went to school with anymore... i only have 2 good friends and they r both 19 with kids... I've been taking my son to play groups to make new friends and its helped... love kym and cody

Anna - posted on 06/07/2009

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ya i had a million freiends... and most of them stuck around.. til i had my son.. i only talk to my b/f (not my sons father) and 1 friend... well and my b/fs preg cousin... she is 15 and wants advise.. but thats all the ppl i talk to... like ppl only talk to me to see my son.. but none of them r my friends

Kelli-Marie - posted on 06/06/2009

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my little boy is only two months old, but it already seems as if most of our friends, have stopped asking my partner and i over or they have stopped coming to our place for drinks. All because we have a baby.
i only have one friend other than my partner that is there for me whenever i need to talk or just come over to say hi and see how things are going, but everybody else has deserted us.

Heather - posted on 06/06/2009

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I lost most of my friends when i had my little boys but i was lucky enough to be able to get closer to a friend of mine who had her kids around the same time :D and also my husbands sister and a friend of hers really helped me out and we became really good friends just because they started having there kids young to so I was an adult to them instead of the kid alot of other mothers would try to treat me as

Sarah - posted on 06/06/2009

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i feel exactly the same.i've always been a bit shy though .. well until you get to know me properaly.

i moved a few years ago to a town near by and my friends all stayed on at 6th form at school .. i went to a different college .. i never see anyone from school now .. they never answer their phones or text back .. shes always been like that though (my highschool mate claire) she wanted to meet my son .. but when i saiod when i was free she never text back ..

my best friend moved to portugal a few years ago so i never see here.

i only ever talk to people from work, my family and boyfriend .. its nice that i'm the 4th out of 5 new young mumks at work .. the last girl is due in july .. but i don't know were a lot of them live or have there numbers ... i talk to them on facebook sometimes ..

i've started going mum and baby groups .. mainly a teen mum one on a friday .. there really good for meeting girls in similar situtations .. but i still don't feel i know them properaly .. i dont have there numbers or anything.

a lot of my friends are at uni now as well.

[deleted account]

yes i lost pretty much all my friends... I was 16 when my son was born and now i am 22.... i talk to my old high school friends maybe 1 a month on line but i never see any of them anymore. the hardest part for me is most of them have kids now.. but their kids are over 2 years younger than my son... so they dont play together :(

Desiree - posted on 06/06/2009

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I lost all of my friends. before i had my son i was a cheerleader i was always out doing something, i had loads of friends and it seems like as soon as i had him everyone stopped talking to me they wont even respond to my emails.

Alycia - posted on 03/22/2009

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I'm almost done my University career and I have an 8 month old lil boy! I used to go out and had so many friends and then BAM they're gone. I have one friend who has been my best friend throughout University and she has stood by me and even helps out when she can, I also met one other person here at my school who is a little older than me and has 4 kids...so her and I have become great friends. Otherwise I have nothing in common with anyone anymore, I love talking about my son but not many people around to talk about him with and I am rarely around anyone at school even to discuss academics with so it's a very lonely feeling most of the time.

Carissa - posted on 03/22/2009

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my little boy is 2 months old and before i had alot of friends and we hung out and everything and now since ihad the baby it is just so different... we barly hang out and they just don't understand nything i am going through with the baby... i feel like no one will understand until they have a baby themselves so i have been searching for other mommys to hang with...

Bailey - posted on 03/21/2009

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I can completely understand. Although it's a little backwards for me. All my friends are obviously in their party phase and living it up in college, but they still have time and would love to see me. Only problem is I work full time (other than being a mama, which we all know is a full time job in and of itself), I go to school full time, and still manage to give my son the attention he needs and deserves. So in essence, it's me who doesn't have time for them and it kind of breaks my heart.

Brittany - posted on 03/21/2009

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all my friends are away at college so they never really have time. though when they come back in the summer, i never get calls to go somehwere with them. i feel like they don't want to hang out because i have a kid. just because i have a child doesn't mean i can't hang out. i definitely know how everyone feels.

Tyra - posted on 03/21/2009

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me 2 when i was at school i all ways had friends so many i never had time to see them all but now  i have a small handfull its get loney some times i find my slef with my mum all the time

Hailey - posted on 03/21/2009

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I was the same way, but I lost my friends when i was pregnant...not after...I found out who my true friends were...It doesn't bother me now, but it really used to...I am very happy spending time with my 15 month old boy and his daddy...





Coral - posted on 03/20/2009

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i find this is one of the harder changes so far. because even before i got pregnant and had my son i found it hard to make friends, now i find it imposible. my friends ether dont have time for me live to far away or trying to help and hang out but just dont get it.

Cheryl - posted on 03/09/2009

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i lost some of my friends and the friends that i do see dont have children so i feel pushed out alot of the time, also when they make plans for us all to go sum where they dont consider that i have to bring him or find a baby sitter, i ma started to feel isolated!

Kelsey - posted on 03/08/2009

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On one hand I don't know how you feel but on the other I do. My senior year when I got pregnant I had a large group of friends that were the boring ones that got good grades and didn't go out as much and when they did they never drank. Then the other group partied a lot and wasn't so much book smart. I fit in with both groups. When I got pregnant I realized who my true friends were. The group that was boring stood by me because they saw me as who I was in terms of what kind of adult and mother I would become. They saw that I was in all advanced placement classes, was going to college reguardless, and I was still the same me. The other group realized I wouldn't be able to party or go on shopping trips or join sororities with them in college. Now i still keep in touch with that one group pretty well via email and a couple people I still hang out with. But since I've moved to a new city with college and all I find making friends around my age are very turned off by the fact I have a child.. Its like when you say "I have a baby" it's an automatic that they can't hang out with you. I have literally made zero new friends after my baby and I am glad I am lucky enough to say I dont need them.. I have my babies father who is like my best friend and my baby. Anyone who isn't excepting of that isn't worth my time!

Tasha - posted on 03/07/2009

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yup i no exactly how u feel i used to live in a place called the foyer with 50 people in it and i hung round with everyone but as soon as i had my son it seemed like no one wants to no me anymore, it can be upsetting when i think about it but that y i go to groups and have made more friends that are mums aswell, i still see some of my old mates but not really they kinda bore me now coz most of um dnt have a life which is mean to say but ohh well all they wanna do is get drunk and shag aload of boys as ive got my son to look after and dnt fancy becomming pregnant again lol, wheres everyone from xx

Chelsy - posted on 03/07/2009

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I def. think it is normal to loose touch with your friends after you have a baby at a young age. Everyone is al college and going out and drinkin and you are just stayin home takin care of your bay. Not very many teenagers wants to hang out iwth someone who has a baby. Don't know why... I think when you have a baby you also grow up and realize just how immature you were when you were hangin out with your friens. ther are things in your life that are more important now... just try to suround yourself with people you have stuff in common with. like young mothers!!! I just tell myself our lives are in different places now! and when the time comes for them to have kids and no what it feels like to have everyone ditch you for alcohol and all that other shit...I won't be around!!!!

Chelsy - posted on 03/07/2009

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I def. think it is normal to loose touch with your friends after you have a baby at a young age. Everyone is al college and going out and drinkin and you are just stayin home takin care of your bay. Not very many teenagers wants to hang out iwth someone who has a baby. Don't know why... I think when you have a baby you also grow up and realize just how immature you were when you were hangin out with your friens. ther are things in your life that are more important now... just try to suround yourself with people you have stuff in common with. like young mothers!!! I just tell myself our lives are in different places now! and when the time comes for them to have kids and no what it feels like to have everyone ditch you for alcohol and all that other shit...I won't be around!!!!

Alaina - posted on 03/07/2009

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Yeah after I had my first son 4 years ago I definitely lost a lot of my friends. Then when I had my second son 18 months ago I lost them even more, or I lost them completely. However, through work and my fiancee I have met some wonderful new friends who enjoy hanging out with my kids and I and enjoy going out and doing "kid stuff" because sometimes doing "kid stuff" can be so much funner! Now that I am 22 going on 23 and pregnant with my 3rd child I have found other couples and young mothers who I can share the same experience with.

But when I was 18 and after I had my first son and started losing my friends I joined a group of young mothers who would get together and have playdates or go to lunch or have a "mom" day and it was great! We also found stuff to do that was cheap or didn't cost any money if we were on a tight budget like go to "free zoo day" and "free science museum day" or just hang out at someone's house and have a pot luck and let our kids play.

Hang in there, it'll get better!

Sarah - posted on 03/05/2009

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yup i lost all my mates, its hard when they dont have any idea what it's like and no idea of what to talk about. after finding i had no mates i started on the hunt for coffee groups of young mums, cuz the older mothers just looked down on me

Sarah - posted on 03/04/2009

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Of course! Not only do your old pals without kids not what to be around, for whatever reasons (their loss) but you have that weird "new mom" phase where you are not really sure where you fit in this puzzle of duty and resposibility and love and companionship. Just make sure and stay true to who you are, and be that girl who can be herself and the mom and the friends will come to you.

Gina - posted on 03/04/2009

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Ashley, where do u live?? Are u local? Bc im trying to find other young moms who live in my area to have playdates with, etc. I could use more mommy friends!!

Ashley - posted on 03/04/2009

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I feel the same way. I lost pretty much all my friends when I was pregnant because it was right before grad/prom etc so they moved on to university and college and I didn't mind until my daughters dad and I grew apart and he got his life back while I stayed home now that we're apart its just me and my 1 year old its really lonely. Some friends call up and want to go to dinner and such but they want me not to bring my daughter and as a single mom you can't just dump your child on anyone so it's just the 2 of us. it is hard getting into groups of different moms we have gotten into playgroup and they all talk about my parenting because im 19 and my daughter is 1 but a few are very supportive. Try making a group on facebook I made a young mommies playgroup and met a few nice ladies our babies are all doing different things but it is some adult conversation and people to see it really helps.

Gina - posted on 03/04/2009

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I know exactly how you feel. I got pregnant at 19, and had my boy at 20. Hes now 2yrs old. Ive been friends with the same friends since h.s. but were not as close anymore and Ive lost alot along the way. And I know its bc im married with a kid, and their still partying and enjoying life. ANd alothouh its neither our fault or theirs, it still sux that it had to be that way. but were in a diff situation than they are. Theyre finishing their degrees and living their lives and Im changing diapers and stressing over rent. It just really makes u feel alone sometimes. Ive got a few close friends that have stayed true to us, and its great but when i think about the amt of friends i lost its depressing sometimes. But i think of it as jsut meant to be. WHose in my life is meant to be there and who isnt, their loss.

Chrystal - posted on 03/04/2009

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When I had my oldest I noticed the same thing. Since you are still young many of your friends don't have kids yet. They may simply not want to intrude. What I found helpful was setting up things with my friends. I was lucky enough to have my own place so I would have people over on a friday or saturday night. They would come over spend a little time with the baby. Then when the baby went to sleep you get your socialization. Just remeber if your child doesn't sleep well with noise plan to move things outside so the baby doesn't keep waking up.

Sami - posted on 03/04/2009

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I lost ALL my friends when i had my first little lad but they way i decided to see it was if they didnt stay with me when i needed them they arent my real frriends. Now i have jusy had my second little lad the new friend i made are still with me now and they adore both my boys so the way i see it is that if they cant stay with you when you needed them the most then they cant be real friends so you would be better of just finding new friends, ones that wil appreciate you and your baby for who you both are xx

Kerry - posted on 03/04/2009

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I agree with you. I still see them every once in awhile, but now after my son I am at a different point in my life. All my friends are still in party mode. That makes it difficult. I even have friends with children and it is still hard to meet up with them, due to both of us being so busy.

Casey - posted on 03/03/2009

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yeah, i'm about 27 weeks pregnant and getting really depressed from being so lonely. no one really calls me up anymore because i used to be a pretty big partier. all i seem to have is my schooling and my man. don't know what i'd do with out him. luckily he hasn't been in the party scene either. i don't know what will happen when the baby is born.

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