Getting out of an abusive relationship...advice?

Kendall - posted on 04/12/2010 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I became pregnant at 16 (I am 17 now) with my ex-boyfriend, we were together for two years. Things started going down hill after I found out I was pregnant. He begged, and harrassed me because I wanted to keep my daughter. I cried myself to sleep for nights because of the horrible things he would say to me. He made me feel like I was a bad person for wanting to keep her. Finally, he got used to the idea, and accepted that he was going to be a father. Throughout my pregnancy, we would fight. We would be having a good day, and he would be doing all of these nice things for me...then all of a sudden he would turn mean and start cussing at me (which being pregnant and emotional) was hard for me to take, so I would cry. These fights got to be worse everytime, and they were always over him doing bad things. I got so upset all the time, I would worry about miscarrying my baby. Thankfully, she remained healthy. Once the baby was born, our fights started escalating into violence. I never really did anything that horrible for him to get upset with me. He would always just get so upset if I did not do what he wanted, or if he could not see the baby for some reason. He choked me one day when I was over at his house, and ever since then things really have never been the same. I told my parents, they wanted to press charges at first, but I begged them not to. My family has had several conversations with his parents but, his parents always twist things around and manipulate the situation by saying it is my fault for everything. On Easter Sunday, I found out that my ex was out doing drugs and seeing another girl, so I ended things. Ever since then, he has been constantly harrassing me by calling me names, sending all of these texts and constantly calling me. I only have stayed with him this long because I was scared of him taking me to court. I do not trust him alone with my daughter, so I do not want him to have any rights. Being with him, I have been contstantly scared of him getting mad at me. I could not go out and do simple things, without him...and if I did he would yell at me. I felt so trapped, and I still feel that way. I just do not think I can ever get away from him because I have a child with him. I really have not done anything to deserve what he has done to me, but he still tries to manipulate me and make me feel like its all my fault. I did not let him see our daughter for a week because of all of the bad things he did, and it probably was a mistake because he has been harrassing me for days over it. He called me the "C" word and wished I was dead, and said all of these terrible things to me...like I AM the bad person. He was the one who has been screwing up this whole time! I am so tired of being walked all over. I just do not know what to do. There is more to the story, but he has done so many bad things I have lost count. Any advice??? I did speek to a lawyer, to know what my rights are, but it still has not reassured me. If he were to ever get any rights of my daughter, I would be a complete wreck and scared for my daughter's well-being. I don't even want my daughter to have anything to do with his parents. I do not trust them, either. I know when we go to court he is just going to manipulate everything and get them to be on his side. I just hate this situation so much.

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Laci - posted on 04/18/2010

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You need to save every phone call and every message like everyone else has said...You need to get the police involved too because if you go into court and they will ask you why you haven't gone to the police...Breaking up is a very hard thing to do even when the situation was very bad...Just think though if you go back to him than your daughter will have to see all of the abuse which isnt good...You need to stay strong and fight until the end! Document Everything! Because that is evidence on your part...Also I understand why you are keeping your daughter away from him but I dont think you can unless the courts say you can becuase he could change it and say you are keeping her away from him when he wants to be there...Also get evidence on the drug thing too if you can...Good Luck with everything, and set everything up before he tries to turn it on you

Bonnie - posted on 04/18/2010

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Keep records of everything! Speak to a counseller/psychologist about it- if he takes you to court they are the best people to have behind you 'cause they can write a support letter stating what's happened, why you don't want him around your daughter, etc.
It's hard to walk away from someone like that, especially if you love them, but it's for the best. My son's father was extremely violent, he held a gun to my head when our son was 3months old just for the hell of it, but I couldn't bear putting my son through all of that. It sounds like your family are a huge support so don't be afraid to ask them for help.
Also, if your ex has been using drugs & he does take you to court for custody/visitation, you can demand that they do random drug tests, among other things.
Good luck. :)

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Tawnya - posted on 08/19/2012

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Hey I read your story and I seen me. I had the same questions too. I talked to someone I trusted and they told me that if I was scared of losing baby to not list my babies daddy on the birth certificate. Because then if he went to court to try to take my son away all I would have to say is I want a DNA test to prove he is the father. And that costs money... a lot of money. No judge in their right mind would take a newborn from mommy. I never wanted to presd charges either against my ex. Now that my son is born my ex isn't even in the picture. I am greatful and sad but my babies needs are more important than mine.

Once you fill out the custody papers the other parent doesn't show up for court you are automatically given full custody. In B.C any ways. If you talked to others about the abuse they can vouch for you at court. I talk with a victims counsellor because I don't wanna go back to him, because I always have the urge because I don't wanna be alone. Counsellors help me with all my questions. My ex called me names and threatened me... I found out why... he couldn't control me anymore. He still makes me feel like crap. But best of luck. Let me know if what I said helped.

Imy - posted on 11/03/2010

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Hey hun. It must of been terrible going through that kind of situation. My ex partner was exactly the same, i was in that abusive relationship for 4 years. just before i built up the courage to leave him i filled out a domestic violence report. Its a good idea to do that, or to have done it, as you will have that on your side if trying to get custody of your daughter.Speak to the police, or a domestic violence agency. I have also tried getting custody of my 10month old son, i was advised that i may not be able to get full custody seeing as i had no proof that my son was in any danger of his father, even though he was abusive to me and on drugs. But i hope that you do sort something out, a child doesnt need to be in that situation at all. Take care :)

Karla - posted on 11/02/2010

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Hey I would be notifying the police, changing your phone number, and keeping records of any contact you have had. I was in a similar situation, but I left when I was pregnant because I realised if my ex could abuse me this way, what would happen to my baby if he abused her? There is no way a baby or child could defend themself from a man so I made the decision to leave to keep my baby safe. If you keep notifying the police when things happen, if he ever wants to see the child these things will be taken into account and if he does ever get to see the child it would most likely be supervised visits because of his track record.
You need to get out of that situation and never go back to it. And never contact him again. If he is to have involvement in your childs life you need to arrange for someone to be the middle person so you don't have to speak with him. I was fortunate that my ex wanted nothing to do with my daughter until about 6 months ago. My daughter is nearly 6 years old now and the experience of seeing her father has been horribly traumatic for her. Due to continuing abuse the police have issued a restraining order and he has been charged for assault and stalking. My daughter is afraid of her father, and I don't blame her. I feel for you because it is a very difficult situation to be in and very hard when children are involved. People like him do not change. What ever you do don't believe his lies if he says he has changed and wants to be an involved parent and part of your life again. They are just words. They can put the charm on temporarily, but it never lasts. Your safety and your childs safety are too important. Do what you need to do, but always try and be the best mother you can to your child, because when all is said and done that is what your child will remember :)

Amanda - posted on 11/02/2010

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Hey..you sound like a smart young girl! I was once in your shoes! I got pregnant at 16 and had my son at 17! Me and his father were great until our son was born...he began getting abusive, verbally first than physical. After about 4 or 5 bad incidents I left. I didn't let him see our son for a few weeks until he cooled off, than let him take him when I decided too. We ended up working things out for a bit longer and I got pregnant with our daughter. After she was born the abuse arose again and I left with both chiildren and moved into my own place. I didn't let him see the kids and after I ignored him for a while I thought he had gotten the hint. He is very manipulating and I was scared of the same things you are. My son had to have surgery on his face after being attacked by a dog at my ex's house!! I feared for their safety!! I haven't spoke to him in almost 8 months after the inconsistancy of him not wanting the children unless it was convieniet for him, and he took me to court. The judge gave him every other weekend, and Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, our sons birthday!! My kids have been acting weird since going there but I can't show them any emotions because I don't want them to feel pressured to choose one of us over the other I want them to have a bias opinion. My advice to you is to continue to ignore him. You are the best thing for your daughter right now and it sounds like you have support which is very helpful!! Don't allow him to have unsupervised visits with your daughter until a judge issues you have to. He can try to manipulate the truth but you were the strong one who left him, and youre the one who is going to give your daughter a better life! You are a brave and strong woman!! Hang in there!! Things may get worse before better but remember you are your daughters best friend and mother!! No one else can take that place! So continue to be the best you can be!

Alicia - posted on 11/01/2010

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hugs! i sent u a message. feel free to add my other acct to facebook

Vanatta Alicia

hope that helped

Jessica - posted on 11/01/2010

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phone calls and texts are not enought to make a conviction you will need toestablish full responsibility and show them you do everything for your child that he does not help let hem know why you dont trust him or his family with sole care of he baby or even visits explain that your glad to give them supervised visits but you are very uncomfterble with that family having her show them the lenghts you have gone threw to give her a good life recipts office appt and show the courts how absent he has been or is. show them who the main provider is think smart you are a teen mom its already frowned apon trust me i had 2 befor 19 and i had to end an 8 yr relation ship this is a situation where you have to face growing up your looking out for the best intrest of your daughter and you cant let her grow up in that household. sorry to sound anything but helpful.

Jessica - posted on 11/01/2010

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to be hounest i did not even read all of this all i can tell you from first hand if you love your baby leave a beating baby daddy in the dust. dont give a shit just like he doesnt he didnt want the baby in the first place so there is not much loss and i would becareful your admitting toa n abusive relationship around a minor which is very illegal....when it comes to the courts make sure you have all the evidance against him if thats what is really going on think about the baby not him.

Alexandra - posted on 11/01/2010

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honestly this was so helpful reading this knowing I'm not the only one who shares the same experience. It's so hard to deal with someone who acts this way but at the end of they day we have to think about the child and put our feelings aside! If you think that you and him could never work it out..and the violence escalates, you need to get a restraining order. If that's too difficult for you, and you feel bad (like me in this case), then you need to either get some mediation or you MUST take him to court. I know that its super scary to even think about sharing..but it would be so much worse if he took your daughter and you'd have no way of really getting her back because you have no written agreement! Stay strong sweety =)

Kendall - posted on 04/19/2010

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yeah, part of me loves him, and part of me hates him. but i do not think things will ever be the same.

Kendall - posted on 04/19/2010

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Aww thanks, yeah I am just waiting for the next time he gets caught! Thanks so much for your support. I am trying to stay strong!

Kayla - posted on 04/14/2010

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I agree with Shai. You need to get the police involved or a protection agency. Show them the texts and tell them what all he has done to you. Do you have anyone who could support you in showing what type of person he is and why you don't want your daughter around him? The best thing is for him to get busted for the drug use then that can be pressed as an issue. Just keep fighting girl! You will be in my thoughts.

Kendall - posted on 04/14/2010

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Yeah, I have saved a bunch of texts from him, and I have been writing a lot of stuff down. Thanks so much for your advice. It is such a horrible thing to go through, especially when you have a child.

Shai - posted on 04/12/2010

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Honestly sweetie, the best thing you can do is to go to the police and get a domestic Volience Order on him. When I was 14 years old I had this ex that use to choke me punch me and damage everything in our house by punching holes in the wall to damaging my mums car while we were at work. He use to cheat on me all the time I actually lost count on how many times he did, because I was scared of what he would do to me if I left him. I went to womens clients to talk about my problems. And after all that I ended up falling pregnant to him but my mum forced me to have a abortion because she new what was best for me at the time cause I was so young I no to some people that is the wrong thing to do but I do not regret it at all. Anywayz really long story to my abusive ex but keep proof of all the messages and if u can record the phone calls or if he emails you anything take it start to the police and do something about it! Even if you do go to court about it they dont just listen to one story if you have the proof of him being abusive to you show them Dont go through that you dont need it be strong show them who is tough and you will get through it sweetie xxx.. hopefully my advice sorta helped you a little.. Good Luck and maybe get back to me on how you go

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