How to deal with repetative cheating in a relationship ?

Jamie - posted on 12/19/2011 ( 27 moms have responded )

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I've been with the same guy since i was 13... I am now 18 and he is 20. I've literally never been with anyone else. About a year ago I slowly have been finding out about times that hes cheated on me and most of them are very recent. He's in college and I'm constantly at home with our son. ( We dont live together ) Last week I found out about another girl...and this will make it girl 5 but I'm positive theres more. He thought it would be funny to tell me something she said to him during the sex since i already knew about it. Then got mad that I was upset about it. So i've just kept my mouth shut about the entire situation. Should I just let him go? Or stay around to see if it works ...

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Deborah - posted on 01/27/2012

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I have a sort of 'dual policy' regarding the "Once a cheater, always a cheater" truth.



If someone cheated on you once, he's always going to be a cheater. Once he has crossed that line, there is no going back. I've cheated on a few of my exes, but I have never cheated on my fiancee, and I never will. So technically I am a cheater, but I"m not 'always' a cheater...



Leave him. If he thinks it's FUNNY to tell you a story about him having sex with another girl, he is absolutely WORTHLESS. I'm not violent but if I were dating someone and he told me that, I think I would punch the asshole in the face. There is NEVER a situation where that would be 'okay'. Respect is important in a relationship, and he doesn't have any for you. Do you want your son growing up thinking it's okay to treat HIS girlfriends that way?? Because that is what you are going to teach your child if you continue to 'put up with it'. Yes, he's the one doing wrong, but you are effectively telling your child it is okay to treat women like that if you 'accept' it.



Tell him to get lost and find someone who is going to respect you for the woman and mother you are.

Amy - posted on 02/15/2012

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If he did it repeatedly he will continue to do it for as long as you are together. This seems to be an unhealthy relationship. You deserve better. Break up with him.

Monta - posted on 02/07/2012

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Get rid of him! You dont need a man that cant treath u right! He did it ones- ok try again!

He did it again tell em to %%%% of!!

I know its hard but its better for u nd ur child! :)

Kay - posted on 01/28/2012

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If he thinks it is funny, and has no remorse, you are better off to cut your losses.



I do not believe in once a cheater, always a cheater. My fiancé cheated while we were apart for two years (he was stationed in Germany). But he was absolutely broken by it. Now it has been well over two years, and he still regrets it. He goes to great lengths to build the trust back. He understands that it will be a very long time before I am over it--if ever.



If he had not reacted this way, and was not willing to work thing out however I wanted to, if he wasn't willing to follow my rules and go above and beyond, we would be over and done with.



It sounds like your fellow has no respect for you. He is not remorseful, he does not regret what he has done or the effect it might have in your family. This is not a mistake--this is a lifestyle choice and it is up to you to say that it is not okay and you deserve a better life.

Desiree - posted on 12/23/2011

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my fiancé cheated on me multiple times while i was pregnant with his child but it was with the same girl. i've been with him since i was 15 & he's the only one i've ever been with in a sexual way even though i "dated" a couple other guys in high school before him. it was EXTREMELY difficult to take him back and try to move on and mend our relationship and we're still working on it. i even hate to admit it but i think counseling would be a good idea for us...... however if it was multiple girls and he sat there and talked about things that happened with those girls like it wouldn't bother me any.... i'd be getting rid of him. you're young enough that you could find somebody MUCH better later down the road. this guy doesn't sound any good for you or your son. and it's true, he shouldn't have to see mommy upset. kids know. i was one of those kids growing up. my mom stayed with my dad "for the kids" & quite frankly i resent her for it... its the worst thing you could do. which is one of the reasons i was so worried about whether or not i really wanted to make it work with my daughter's father or not... it'll be tough but you sound like a strong girl :) i think you'll be ok. plus you got your son there to put a smile on your face when you need it ;)

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Lauren - posted on 03/07/2014

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Ugh,,,,reading all of these..Go Girl Posts were hard. Mostly because I didn't read them before I needed to. My husband of three years, together 15) cheated numerous times. I forgave him even thought he didn't really ask to be. He was a drinker, I was weak and got weaker and weaker as time went on. Settled into depression. Guess my lack of self respect /esteem didn't help me and neither did his infidelities. I agreed to marry him and I have to laugh now because his proposal was..." Will you Marry me? You are the love of my life. I promise you, you are, from now on, the only woman in my life I swear." I paused and said..." Hmmm...ok. Yes but if any of this ever happens in our married life you're out." 3 Years later we are now separated as a result of a 'work affair'. Haha.. seriously, I have laughed over this heartache because I blame myself for being an idiot and wasting my own time. I knew. I always knew but I loved him and I blamed the alcohol. I grew up with two alcoholics as parents and really just wanted to keep the peace. I had none of my own. Lesson learned. Its not that they are terrible people...its that they don't love you. Period. Anyone who has ever cheated knows..you don't cheat when you genuinely love. Move on...save yourself years. I wasted my childbearing years on someone I could never please. Now I am alone, 44 and going back to school. My sense of humour prevails. Oh and he text dumped me. LOL Who the hell texts their wife and dumps them. Nowhere to go but up I say! Good luck girl. If its not right it only hurts for a while not forever.;)

Christa - posted on 09/30/2013

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Hun honestly it will be a hard choice and no one can tell you what to do or what you should do. But why put your self threw it? Why let him hurt you over and over again, the "man" may say he loves you but that isn't love at all. My ex cheated on me once so I left him it was so hard at first but as time went by I got over it.and I didn't want to take the chance of getting hurt again because when I found out I cryd and cryd and cryd for days and I was so angry and shocked I finally confronted him about it and he told me he did and how he is sorry and shit n when I told him it was over he cryd he baged for me back and I said no and thats when his true colors showed .I didn't want my daughter thinking that kind of stuff was okay in a relationship. And now I am happy and engaged to a wonderful man who treats me and my daughter amazing.

Tina - posted on 09/02/2013

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Yes, leave, you are settling for second best, how awful for you. Can you see yourself in another 4 years still listening to his vile stories, or do you want to be in a loving relationship where you respect each other. Or to find out he has someone pregnant or even worse gives you a Sexual Transmitted something or other. Your 18, get out and start living. Even as a single parent you will have a better life. Free to meet the right one!

Candy - posted on 08/30/2013

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hear this loud and clear......

LET HIM GO....RUN...RUN FAST......NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT SUMS IT UP!

Lori - posted on 01/19/2013

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Hi, I was in a relationship with the father of my first daughter from 13-25 years old. He was a chronic cheater. Cruel at times too. Sometimes I think he did it because he wanted out but didn't have the courage to do it himself so he gave me every reason under the sun to be the one to break it off. We were so accustomed to having eachother that we didn't know if we could survive on our own. I loved him Very much and I still do. However it was abusive and not healthy for us to be together. The truth is we grew into two completely different people. I left him for good when I got pregnant with our daughter. I didn't want her to know either of us the way we were together. I met an amazing guy and I now have two more beautiful daughters. He met an amazing girl, (who doesn't seem to mind that he cheats) and we all have a very healthy respectful relationship. Our daughter gets to see the best of all of us and considers herself to be the luckiest 12 year old in the world. I never say anything bad about her dad, he's part of her, instead we all help her to see all the great qualities in both her daddies and her mommies. I know how scary it can seem, I've been there. I promise you this, it can be better, you just have to choose it. lots of love. xox

Briana - posted on 02/21/2012

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Tottaly let that guy go. if he cant respect you as his childs mother then he does not deserve you. it sounds to me that he does not love you i would get out before it gets wores and uglyer when you chiled gets older. do it wyel it will still be easyer on your chiled. its not ok with him jokeing around about it. he is seening you as a joke pretty much dont let him get away with it get out of that relationship cuz you need to be happy too

Elisha - posted on 02/19/2012

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It's been my experience that multiple cheaters like that will never stop. They alraedy know it's wrong and that it hurts you and that it's disrespect to you and violates your trust, and yet they do it over and over and over and over again.... usually that means that he has no respect for you. I know from personal experience. I had a cheating husband, and I forgave him once, even twice, and twice he walked out on me for another woman. Lesson learned.... forgive, yes, because it's not fair to you to carry around bitterness when you were the one who was wronged, but i would say let him go. If he's going to be truly sorry and change his ways, it's not going to be because you forgave him. He's going to have to have consequences. It's about respect, and if he's ever going to have respect for you, it's going to be because you force him to. People will only respect you as much as you make them.

Jessica - posted on 02/15/2012

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Sweetie GO!!!! If you stay all your saying is it's okay for him to cheat on you!! It's not like your married and it was a one time thing no theres more then 5 girls?!?! GET OUT!!! If you can;t even bring up his cheating and talk to him about it then what else can't you talk to him about? This is not a relationship at all... it's more like a one way street for you, your in a relationship and he's telling everybody he's SINGLE, this is nothing at all to him it means more to you then it does him is that really what you want to be with?

Stephanie - posted on 02/11/2012

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stop being a floor mat! You need to tell him "this is NOT something I want to talk about OR find out that SOMEONE that I LOVE just broke my heart again, and this SUBJECT is completely innapropriate and you are making it clear that you have no respect for me by discussing it" you need to sit his ass down and tell him "look, i love you a lot, ive found out about several of your affairs, and I don't deserve to get hurt all the time. if I find out about 1 more, I will not stay with you" and MEAN IT, you NEED to take off for a week with your son, tell your family not to tell him where you are, tell your friends not to tell him, just take off, scare him, if he loves you he'll take you seriously, you don't have ANY communication with him, you don't visit him, he doesn't see you or your son, 1 week and if he keeps on after that, and you put up with it, you have no one to blame but yourself and you can't sit around pitying yourself. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest... I've been in love before and Ive had to walk away... I've missed him badly over the years but at this point I'm glad that it ended because I would have been a wreck and I never would have been as strong as I am today.

Brandie - posted on 02/09/2012

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Let him go, for you. He clearly has no remorse for cheating on you and it appears to be something that he will continue to do. He is not ready to be committed and that's such a sad thing considering you two have been together for quite sometime and have a son together. But unfortunately, some men can't be committed.

Tina - posted on 01/29/2012

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I know it's hard but you need to be happy not just for yourself but also for your son. They definately feel it when mum is upset. You're never going to trust this man either. I know it'll take time but you'll feel better for it.

Genesis - posted on 01/28/2012

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Yea! Deborah is right my bf told me he didnt want to lie to me he said, his ex was talking to him again. I felt trust. But my other ex's cheated on me i went to their door, gave them their bears photos every memory then i said there's ur trash! Bye bye already have another guy he hits you go and report it!

Genesis - posted on 12/31/2011

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Let him go! Roar! He's cheating on u girl! Don't be dumb! Be like fuck u bitch! Im not stupid no more! Then work it out he wasn't worth it!

Christa - posted on 12/31/2011

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let him go! not to sound harsh, but cut your losses hun, he's not gunna change

Jamie - posted on 12/19/2011

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Thanks everyone. I appreciate your advice.. Its going to be tough... especially with christmas just around the corner... but i know what i have to do.

Jane - posted on 12/19/2011

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He is not going to stop cheating. Once, he might be able to stop. Twice, maybe he would stop. But five times? That you know of? He is not going to stop cheating.

It is time to move on and find someone who will be in love with you and will not cheat.

Good luck!

Tinker1987 - posted on 12/19/2011

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Yeah,it's true and splitting up is easier the younger they are,they grow into the Co parenting lifestyle. and it does affect your son, your son will see his mother hurt and upset,and that will reflect on him as well. but i think your better off without him.

Jamie - posted on 12/19/2011

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Thanks, I definitely think that I deserve better. So does our son... I think hes retarded if he think that this doesn't affect our son as well.

Tinker1987 - posted on 12/19/2011

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You should let him go,if he cheated on you and confessed the first time out of guilt i can see a second chance happen but he has done this time after time and has no guilt for it. ive only been with one guy myself,and i was young when we started out too so i know how your feeling... sometimes its hard to let go but if you feel you deserve better you know what you need to do,

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