I donno what to do,,

Alicia - posted on 10/27/2009 ( 18 moms have responded )

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Ok i have a two year old daughter and her "father" is not in her life at all. I hate it a lot. I want her to have her father in her life. I've tired so hard to get him involved and he gives nothing back. i'll call and he wont answer. We've had to go to court a couple times and he only showed up once. He said the only reason he went was because he would have gone to jail. We had court again today and he didnt show up. i really dont know what to do. i just wish he could see what he was missing. Is it even worth my time to try and get him involved. Because i dont want him not to be here now and lik 10 years down the rode he wants to be a father. is that bad? does anyone have any advice?

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Alisha - posted on 08/22/2010

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if he doesnt realize what he is missing u shouldnt worry about it it is his loss not yours. concentrate on your daughter and making her happy. he will hopefully come around and if not make sure one day u find someone that will want to spend time with her and can take his place as a good father figure. every child deserves a loving dad. and im sure u have heard this any guy can make a child but it takes a real man to be a dad :)

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Chantelle - posted on 08/22/2010

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I would just leave him alone. If he doesn`t want to be involved in your daughters life, and help take care of her than I wouldn`t even bother. My dad was the same way. And he never and still doesn`t put in a effort to see me. I don`t even know where he is to this day and I haven`t talked to him since I was 9 or so and I`m now 19. I just wouldn`t waste my time on someone who acting like that. I think its extreamly inmature. And you never know maybe this is whats best for you and your daughter. I don`t think its okay for someone, mother or father to choose when they want to be a parent. Its good you tried to involve him but I think the best thing for your daughter is for you to be there 100% and be the best parent you can be to her, with or without her father. Some people just aren`t ready to be parents. He may come around in the future which may be a good thing. but than theres the question of will he stay involved or if he will walk out again. Go after him for child support.

Julie - posted on 08/22/2010

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unfortunately if he doesnt want to know then you cant force the situation because then he may just resent the child. just leave him alone and if one day he does decide to show up then hopefully your child will be old enough to make up her own mind. either way you are the only care giver and love her to bits and she will realise that mummy has been the only constant and that daddy is cheeky pig for turning up those ten years down the line.

Ronisha - posted on 08/22/2010

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i do agree with cassy if he wants to be he will come knocking..but remember it is not up to you to let him in. see how your child feels about the situtation and take it from there. GOOD LUCK

Brittany - posted on 08/22/2010

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Just know you got the best part of him. Get child support then when your daughter is older & the father machured grew some balls & wants to come around then your daughter can make him feel stupid & deny him like he did her. Just forget him dont bash him be better than he is & just let your daughter know Hey I tried to get him to be there but that was his choice not to come around he will wanna come around some day but karma sure will be there to laugh in his face.

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My advice is leave him alone and move on with your lives. If he doesn't want to be around, then he doesn't want to be around. In my opinion, it would be better for him to not be around at all than being forced to be there. If he's forced your daughter will sense that and I think that will end up making her feel even worse than if he just went on his way. I know exactly how you feel about the ten years down the road thing too. People keep telling me well when the child is older he'll want to be around which can be a really scary thought for a single mom. What I plan to do with my son is if he isn't old enough to decide for himself and his "dad" wants to be around I'm telling his dad to get lost. Plain and simple, it's not fair for him to come around when he feels like the child will be easier to deal with. If my son is old enough to decide for himself then I will let him do so. I feel like when they're young like this we as moms have to protect them and make the decisions in the process of doing that. When they're a little bit older and can decide hey maybe I would like my dad around then I think we should let them do that (depending on the situation) but it's still our job to protect them. I already dread the day my son tells me he wants to meet his real dad but at the end of it all I just want him to be happy and if that means meeting his dad then that's what it means. If years down the road his dad wants to suddenly be involved my plan is to set up some SERIOUS ground rules, I want to supervise their visits and he will be paying me back for all the child support I didn't get over the years. I don't think it's bad at all for you to worry about that but I think when the time comes you should let her make her own decision. You know the saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" it's kind of like that. You gave him the opportunities and he just doesn't care. I think you should cut your ties and just continue on. I can almost guarantee your life will be 1000x less stressful than it is now at least in that area. Good luck, I really hope it all works out for you!

Laura - posted on 08/20/2010

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hi I know how you feel my six year old daughters father has walked in and out of her life twice he stopped seeing her 2 years ago and told her he was moving away he now lives half an hour away and still doesnt bother seeing her. i personally have found its better leaving him to get on with his life and raise my child alone as every time he walks away she gets upset and i have to pick up the pieces, so to save her keep gettin hurt i keep him out of her life. you have to do what you think is best for your child, but that my story. good luck and dont blame yourself for his behaviour x

Sarah - posted on 12/16/2009

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Thats a real bummer, i love seeing my boy with his daddy, he just loves him to pieces, and is so excited when he comes home after work. I just love watching them play together is the best. This guy doesnt deserve to be a dad, I say move on with your life, and give your daughter the best you can. surround her with all the people that love her and she will do fine. And when the time is right, im sure she will have a dad figure to look up to and have that male bond. Grandads are good for this too. keep you head up, everything will work itself out. Everything happens for a reason!

Bobbi-lyn - posted on 12/15/2009

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I dont think its worth your time. yes your doughter might wonder but like i tell my son daddy wasent ready so mommy took over and loves you dubble . Any man can be a father but it takes someone spachal to be a daddy. my sons dad has never been there even when i tryed he would tell william he was coming to get him then he would not show up. my sons day hasent even got him a b day present. what i figer is if he dusent wont to be there than there is not much we can do. but in ten or so years if my son wonts to see his dad i will take him, if his dad decides he becam a man and wonts to be in his life than he will half to work for it. i tryd for long enouph to get him to care and all it did was stress me out. uther than that he walked away so he can stay that way. it sounds bad but i just wont what is best for my son and if it means that i half to rase him my self than so be it. i know ill do a better job any way

Paige - posted on 12/08/2009

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My mother had the same problem with my biological father. He absolutly refused to beleive he was the father, he wouldn't take responsability for me or anything. The court MADE him take a DNA test, it was positive, and they forced him to pay child support. That is all he did in my life. When I turned 12, he contacted my mom saying he wanted to get to know me and be my father etc., so he was in my life (barely, i saw him a total of 4 times), until just this past year (i'm 18 now), he disowned me again saying i'm not his daughter. The only reason he wanted me in his life was because his new wife wouldn't have married him if she didn't meet me.



I grew up fine without knowing my biological father, and having him in my life when i was older was nice, but he never felt like a father to me. I treated him more as a friend then anything and I told him that. Some men just don't care about taking responsibility for their child. It's very sad, but sometimes it's for the kids best interest. I say; if he doesn't want to be apart of her life, then let him make that sad decision, but one day he WILL regret it, and it might be too late, hopefully not, but he will come around. Make him pay child support and see what happens over time. Good luck! I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this, I know exactly how you feel! :(

Rebecca - posted on 12/07/2009

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uhhhun you cant force hime to be in her life no matter how hard you try or wanthim to be granted every child wants to havea dady but jsut leave it till shes old enough to ask questions beacuse he really aprently doesnt want to be involve and who knows you oring her dad to be in her life may put her ina dangerouse situation and he and you daught could be hurt

Daphne - posted on 11/27/2009

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just let him know u have all the trying u r going to do. and its up to him if he want to be a father, and if in 1, 5 or 10 years u have found sum1 else that ur daughter loves and sees as a father figure it will be too late for him and u will not look back

Amanda - posted on 11/26/2009

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Ask him to give up his rights as a father if he has no drive to provide for his child. I personally wouldn't want someone in my child's life, especially her father, that didn't think the world of her.

Arielle - posted on 10/28/2009

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Girl it is bad for his part. With you I am sure your child is better off without him. If he has not realized how important she is to him after 9 months of pregnancy, he is not worth trying to keep him around. My son is 2 and I am just now figuring that out. Karma is a bitch and it will come back and bite him in the ass. You are getting the best of him knowing what he is missing out on. Having a loving step father isn't bad. I love my step father to death, he will be there to walk me down the aisle. Think about the benefits of being a good single mother. Stay strong. I know its hard.

Lyndsay - posted on 10/28/2009

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In my opinion, it is not worth your time at all. You can't force him to want to be a dad. To me, it seems less damaging to a child to grow up without a father figure than it would be to grow to realize that her "father" is only involved with her because he's forced to be, and that he is resentful of every minute of it. Children are extremely perceptive beings, she will pick up on that negativity and it will have a very negative impact on her.

Auralila - posted on 10/28/2009

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It is good that you are trying to get him involved but if he doesn't want to be involved I would just let him be. Since you have already been to court, try to see if you can get child support from him.



I would give him one last call and let him know that you are no longer going to try to get him involved. And then do just that, don't call him unless you change your number or move, this way he can slowly but surely see that you want him around just for your daughter and not to get with him.



As your child grows up make sure you let them know that their father is not around because he has issue and problems that don't allow him to be around. This will avoid your child from hating him and resenting that he is not around. It's not good for a kid to walk around being angry because their daddy is not around. As your child getter older you can explain with more detail what happened with their dad. If he is very young it could be a reason on why he is acting this way.



Let him be and you do the best you can with your life.

Alexandrea - posted on 10/27/2009

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here is my advice to you. I grew up having a dad like that but he is not who i consider to be my dad. My mom remarried to my now dad or thats what i think of him as. I would say stop trying so hard to get him to be apart if he doesnt want to there is nothing that you can do t make him be around and if by the off chance you could she will be able to tell that that is not really what he wants and that will make her unhappy. so i would just stop calling and if he decides in ten year or so then if she is old enough you let her decided if she wants to know him or not chances are she wont cause he hasnt been there and yes it is sad very sadbut i have been there and i love my "step dad" more then my real dad and i dont consider him to be my step dad he is my dad and i am his daughter. There is a man out there who can and will love your daughter as much as you do and treat her just like his own, I know its tough but it will happen. Good luck if you need anything else let me know



Lexie

Cassy - posted on 10/27/2009

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just leave it, if he wants to be a father to ur daughter he will contact u, some guy takes ages to actually realise there a father and want to be a part of there childs life

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