I just had to tell someone, this may upset you. Please read with caution.

Kerri - posted on 03/05/2010 ( 177 moms have responded )

64

14

8

Girls, I'm almost very sorry for posting this on here, but i have to tell someone, someone who doesn't know me, and someone that can just send me hugs, and make me feel better. This is a horrific story, and yet, its the story of my life. Please don't judge me for posting, i just need help!



This is going to be one long, horrible story, but here goes.

I was born disabled, registered blind, and i was a girl so i was never good enough for my father. He left my mum when i was just a yr old, and she went on to have 2 more children with a different man, and he then left too. My mum met a lovely man who took us all on. He was a real father figure to us all. i even called him dad for a time. Then i got a phone call, out of the blue. i was 8 yrs old. It was my biological father. saying he'd been searching for me for years, and could he come and see me. My mum was scared. i didn't know why, i was too young. Eventually she agreed, bcuz i was complaining all the time, and she couldn't stand to see me unhappy. she said i had to stay where she could see me at all times. that was nothing new, being disabled, i was always in her sight. I met my 'father' and we had a nice lunch. i saw him regularly for a while, and then he asked if he could take me away on holiday. it would only be to pourtsmouth, by the sea. my mum was really worried. i remember hearing a conversation between them. my mum told him that if he ever hurt me she'd kill him. and he told her that he'd changed, that he just wanted to be a good father. A few weeks later, me and my best friend went to stay with my 'father'. we went away to pourtsmouth and had a good time. we came back a week later and everything was fine. i went away with him the next summer, just after i turned nine years old. I was a big girl now, so i didn't need my friend to come this time, besides his girlfriend and her two young daughters were coming along. we went to South hampton this time. to the beach and the fair. IT was my last night there, when he came into my room to say goodnight. His girlfriends' girls where in the next room. what he did then would upset too many people, but it changed me forever. He told me that if i told my mum, she'd stop loving me the way she did, she'd make me go away, she'd say it was my fault, just as he did.



I was very young, and very insecure, having able-bodied siblings, i had alwasys felt a divide between my mum and me. I didn't want her to stop loving me, so i said nothing. By then he had visitation rights so i had to keep seeing him. every weekend. The abuse got physically more demanding as time went on, until i was 13, when i finally fell pregnant from it. i was petrified. now my mum would know, everyone would know. i'd be sent away, as he'd told me four years before. I saw those two little pink lines, and i was physically sick. i told my 'father' the next weekend, when he came to pick me up. he made me take another test, and as i showed it to him, he hit out at me. that was the first time he hit me, and he didn't stop. he was screaming things at me, telling me how dirty i was, how i should have taken care not to let this happen. telling me i'd ruined his life. And as i lay there, on the bed, where he left me, blood pouring out of me, i couldn't stop sobbing. God alone know's how, but i knew the baby was gone. And something finally snapped. i eventually got up, a few hours later, had a shower and called my mum. He heard me on the phone and asked what i was doing. i refused to speak to him. He raised his hand to hit me again, this time in the face. 'go on then, do it.' i said, just staring at him. ' this one you won't be able to hide'. and he backed down. he walked away. he cleaned up the bedroom before my mum came to take me home.



she came in the door and i gave her a hug, fighting back the tears. 'i want to come home mum.' she looked at me and said 'why babygirl? are you ok?' i said 'yeah, i just wanna come home. i miss you' she gave me another hug. 'come on then, the others are in the car.' We went home. and i never saw him again.



I eventually told my mum that i'd been abused by him when i was nearly 17. She was devastated. i found out that he's forced her into a sexual relationship when she wasn't ready for it. that's how she'd come to have me at 16 yrs old. And i was nearly blind, due to minor brain damage, because he'd hit her when she said she was pregnant. She never pressed charges, so he'd never been inside for it. I never told her exactly what happened, and to this day she doesn't know about that child.



I went to the police, but they said it was just my word against his. there was no proof. So it never went to court, and he walked away from the police station, his reputation intact. he's married now. has a new wife, she has 2 little girls of her own. I remember her sending me an email, asking me why i'd done it. why i'd lied. the words i spoke to her are still there in my mind.

'i didn't lie, aileen, i didin't. and you don't have to believe me, that's your choice. Just please, for their sake, make sure you watch him with those little girls. If you can't do it because of what i said, just imagine one or both of your little ones going through even half of what i did. Keep them away from him. Keep them safe. A life like mine isn't worth living, let alone lying about.'



I never heard from her again. And i still worry about those two little girls.



ANyway, i was raped again a few years later, by a guy i'd thought was my friend, but that time i never went to the police. there was no point. they hadn't believed me last time. I never told anyone, except my now husband. I fell pregnant after we'd been together 6 months, and engaged for 4. my pregnancy was horrific. i had severe hypremesis, and spd, and then went into prem labour at 33 wks. I got married on 1st August 09, and my stepdad walked me down the isle. He gave me away, and i'd never been happer. Then 10 minutes after cutting the cake at my wedding reception, i was up at the hospital, giving birth to my beautiful baby boy., who came on 2nd August, at 5:05am, weighing in at 5lbs and 3oz. he was three weeks early, and very underweight. he then got very jaundiced, and had to stay in hospital for 7 days, having radio therapy. i nearly lost him. but he fought back, and he came home, a very happy healthy baby boy. when he was just 2 months old, i fell pregnant again, and miscarried. It wasn't planned. But i was devastated. it brought back all the memories i'd tried for years to bury. My husband was desperate for another child, but i went back on the pill for 3 months, and then when i came off it again, i fell pregannt again. I miscarried last week. I'm crushed. my baby boiy is 7 months old, and i treasure him every day, but i feel so guilty, and i have no idea why. I've asked the doctor to help me find some kind of councilling for all this, but i'm scared. like if talking about it is gna bring it all back up. That's why i wrote it here first, to see how painful it'll be.

And seeing as i'm sat here sobbing, i don't know if i can do it. Its been nearly 11 years, from the time that i was nine years old, i'm now nearly 20, and he's still ruining my life. and its not fair. All i ever did was be born, and i don't no what to do!

I don't know what i'm asking for exactly, i think i just needed to get it out. I'm very sorry if this has upset you, take comfort it the fact that you can go to sleep tonight and forget all about it. I live with it each and every day.

Kerri xXx

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

177 Comments

View replies by

Lisa - posted on 03/07/2010

39

5

3

thank you. reading your story along with a few others has made me cry and has let me cry over my own story. which i truly needed. it's not nearly as horrible as yours or others but i have found out , through many sleepovers and passed notes, that just about, if not every, friend that i have has been raped or abused in some similar way. it's all too common of a thing. we mustn't blame ourselves for the evil of others. i've mostly forgiven. also, kerri, it's a possibility that you miscarried for the simple fact that it was too soon after your first delivery. my doctor and many of the nurses stressed how important it is to wait until at least 18 months before getting pregnant again. something about your body's reserves of vitamins and minerals aren't back to normal until then which can cause development problems.give yourself a chance to heal. and besides you just had your first bundle of joy, enjoy all that he can bring for awhile. trust me, you'll have your hands full with him alone.

Brittany - posted on 03/07/2010

18

31

0

wow, that brought tears to my eyes, you are a very brave woman, and you deserve the world, no one should ever have to go threw this. you will be in my prayers every night, i will pray for your baby to come, and be healthy. sending you a huge hug, words cant express how i feel for you.
stay strong and keep your head up!

KaSandra - posted on 03/07/2010

48

19

0

i am 17 right now and i was sexually abused when i was 13 i have to say letting go is very hard and i am glad you are finally getting the help you need i know talking to a councilor helped me a lot and i admit there are still hard days and the only way to get through them are to look for the good i mean you have what sounds to be an amazing husband and little one who love you unconditionally. the past may have made you who you are today like i am way mature for my age but when you get help it will turn something good out of the horrible thing that happened. if you ever need to talk about it more feel free to message me i know it is hard to talk about but the more you get it out of you the better you will feel. i hope for the very best with you and take care of yourself :) and always remember if you put a smile on and face the rainy days the sunny days are not far away and they will be even better than you could imagine :)

Susan - posted on 03/07/2010

49

23

5

i know how you feel hun. i was raped by my uncle wen i was 6 and then raped by my dads mate wen i was 12. your not alone with all this. its good to talk. i am now 18 and i have a 3 and a half month old girl. i know you cany forget about it all but you really have to just leave the past behind and look forward to the future. hope your feeling better after letting it all out. xoxoxo take care

Jamie - posted on 03/07/2010

41

35

1

my dear... i know what your going through kerrie.... except it wasnt my own father and i didnt fall pregnant.... it was my mums boyfriend at the time.... he raped me and it linges foeve. u can never et that imae out of you head its always there..... i told my mother the next day what ahd happened and my dad took me to the police station. a few weeks afterwards, my own mothe chaned he statement to cover up his lies.... but she changed it back when a 13 yr old came forward saying he raped her too... it was a long 18 mths before he got sentenced to 3 yrs jail.... in the meantime i was pregnant with my lil boy from my partner.... mum's ex went to jail on 26th march, i gave birth to my baby on the 28th.... he gets out next yr and its scary to think what he might do, if he'll come after me or see me in the street with my baby and run us down or anything like that....... i know how hard it can get, but darl be positive...... i promise you can get through it...

Maggie - posted on 03/07/2010

22

21

2

Hi kerri,
i dont know what to say but sorry you had to go through that, even though i have no idea how you feel. do you feel better after sayin it? i ask because sometimes when i have somethin on my chest i just need to tell someone and find it easier to tell a stranger. i wish i was in the US so i just give you a ginormous hug. if you ever need to talk i am here for you ok. i may not know you at all but i can be someone else to load off on. good on you for havin that little boy. and just remember
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but have to sigh,
When care is pressuring you down a bit -
Rest if you must,
BUT DONT YOU QUIT!!!

From what you have written i know you will be an amazing mother, not matter what others may tell you. You know how it is to be misused and abused and would never want else you know or care about to go through it. Your little boy will have unconditional love and nothing else can compare.
And you are also so lucky to have a hubby who accepts you despite everything that has happened. Alot of guys would just run away from it.

in regards not being able to carry out any pregnancies and your husband wants another. i'm not being judgemental but you have a little boy and that's all that should matter now. if you dont pregnant again you arent a failure it's mother nature telling that you arent able to have any more kids or even not ready yet.
does that make sense? i hope it does

and again if you ever need someone to talk to i am here.

Kerri - posted on 03/07/2010

64

14

8

Destinie, bless u darlin. I'm in no possition to give advice, but i'm more than willing to be a shoulder to cry on! If u need 2 talk hun, I'm here.

And once again, thank you all. It really goes to show that there are people out there that really do care. I can't say how much you've all helped me. :) Thank you, for helping me to smile... one day, my tears will dry up, and i know that i'll have you all to thank for it!

Kerri

xXx

Samantha - posted on 03/06/2010

41

14

2

OMG i am so srry that that happend to you nobody should have to go through that. just thank god everyday that you have a wonderful husband and child

Destinie - posted on 03/06/2010

73

16

4

I am sorry all that happened to you. when I was six something like that happened to me. I am scared of just about everything now because of it. I hate thinking about it no one knows everything. I dont leave my son with people because of it. I have nightmares and I am to scared to talk about it.

Brooke - posted on 03/06/2010

869

26

41

I have a similar story with out the pregnancy. It doesn't upset me any more. My mother died before she found out and it all went through the police and etc. I just don't have time for that anymore. I am abnormal lol I can cope through anything.

Tessa - posted on 03/06/2010

14

25

1

I'm new here but I just wanted to say I am so sorry! I cant say I truely understand what you have gone through but I was physically abused by my stepfather for years, he even tried to kill me and my son when I was 8 months pregnant by trying to shove me on my belly when I was running away from him. I managed to twist to the side and hit my chest on our porch swing. It was the only thing that saved us. He also abused my mom and would reguarly call the cops on ME to say I was doing something bad and make my mom agree with him. He actually had my custody of my son taken away because I ran away to a safehouse after he threatened to kill both of us. We live in a small town adn he was friends with a cop and the head of CPS. They actually gave HIM custody of my son, well him and my mom. And then when my son was 12 1/2 months he beat my mom while she was holding my son and my 12 year old brother for not putting some blankets away. He even got away with it because his friend cop made all the bruised pictures of me disappear before he went to court. It was awful, so even though I dont totally know what you wen tthrough I do understand some of it. Im so sorry

Also I wanted to agree that I dont think your hubby should be pushing you for another baby. Your body takes at least a year to heal from child birth and a traumatic one can take longer. Your body is probably just not ready to have another child yet. I know how hard it can be. I lost 2 babies myself. One at 6weeks gestation and one at 17 weeks. Its very hard. Stay strong and you definitely have taken the first step by talking here.

Kylie - posted on 03/06/2010

6

9

0

That's horrible and your a very strong person to wake up everyday knowing that happened to you and still going on with your life.... I could only imagine being in that situation... My heart goes out to you, and you and your family will be in my prayers.

Jess - posted on 03/06/2010

13

75

0

Kerri
firstly... stay strong, you really need to for your child.
secondly.... i am so sorry to read this hidious thing this person has done to you. I know in some sort of way how it feels, as my 'father' did the same thing to my sister
thirdly... make sure you get the right prescription for anti depressants as you could go even lower if your prescription is too strong and thats the last thing yuo want

Kerri - posted on 03/06/2010

64

14

8

After posting this on here, i've finally found the courage to ask my doctor for some help. He's arranging some councilling, and he's asked me to go back next week to talk about anti depressants. And i think that it might be a good idea. I can't keep letting him win. So thank you, thank you all, for giving me the strength to do what i should have done years ago!

Kerri

xXx

Dorothy - posted on 03/06/2010

21

15

3

Your posting is part of the recovery process. You will continue to need to reach out to someone and talk it out. I strongly suggest you find a good counselor or someone in your church may do this type of couseling(not all pastors are equipped to hadle this, so be careful). I too was molested and raped between the ages 0f 6and 16. There is so much more in life than being avictim then a survivor (were you are at now). It is possible to walk completely out of that darkness and have complete victory in your life. You can be a victor, but you can't do it alone. Only Jesus can fully redeem and restore what evil has tried to take away from you. You were wonderfully and beautifully made by the creator of this universe. He thought of YOU at the very beginning when he was creating our world. He will guide you on the right path, only He know exactly what you need. I'm praying for your recovery and your relationship with our Lord.

Sarah - posted on 03/05/2010

933

65

29

you poor poor girl.
don't apologise it wasn't your fault that you had a horrific past.
because you've proved it you clearly are a survivor.
be blessed that you've got a beautiful son and a husband.

[deleted account]

Wow we have a lot in common! I was molested from when I was 9 to 16 years old by my older sisters boyfriend. I tried committing suicide when I was almost 17. I never told a soul about it until I was 18, and the detectives said that there was no evidence, no witnesses, no case. Rusty (my sisters bf) admitted to my mom about doing it but it was his say against ours.

Since then, I was raped. The only people who know about it is my husband, and some close friends. I have decided not to do anything about it because of what had happened to me before. I just don't want to put my self through all that again....

Now I am going through counseling and on depressant meds. Your not alone, use all the support from people that you can get!

Ashley

Katie - posted on 03/05/2010

4

34

1

OMG girl, I was there in a very similar situation. My best friends father molested & raped me from the time I was 6 until I was going on 12. The day it stopped was the day I told him I was pregnant. I misscarried at 6 weeks. I now have 2 little boys & a wonderful, caring husband. I went to counsling & all though it was hard at first, it was a tremendous help to get beyond it. Hang in there, you are brave & you are a survivor.

Valerie - posted on 03/05/2010

3

14

0

(((Kerri))) I am so sorry for all the pain that you have suffered at the hand of someone that is suppose to be your biggest ally and defender in life. I really think this is an awful lot to carry on your own, have you ever considered finding a therapist/group to share this with that can help you through the pain? I did a quick search and found this http://www.siawso.org/ I understand your fear of talking about such a traumatic event but I really think it will help you work through the sadness that you feel.

Rebecca - posted on 03/05/2010

33

22

0

omg i no how u feelmy dad did the same to me and my sister frm wen we were 2 everthing dat happened t u happened to us bt the sick bastard gt away wiv it cause dey had no evidence it wasnt til i was 11 i told my mum. i didnt live wiv her at the time i lived in liverpool n she lived in leeds i know how u feel bout counciling i feel the same its hard to talk to people bout it i cry my self to sleep every night i cant stop thinkiin about it den i get pissed off cause its always there at the front of my mind den take it out on my partner u will get through it as long as there are people u love and people who love u around you u will fight it be strong girl talk to ya husband bout it he will understand if u need to talk im here

September - posted on 03/05/2010

5,233

15

688

Oh Kerri I'm so sorry! Try to focus on the important things in life like your baby boy and your wonderful husband. Hang in there and god bless!

Kerri - posted on 03/05/2010

64

14

8

Thank u for ur comments girls. I must admit, i can't believe it myself... if only it was as made up as it sounds! I know how hard it must have been for you all to read, and i can't thank you, or apologise enough for doing so.
I honestly don't know what to say, except thank you xXx

LoRae - posted on 03/05/2010

9

8

1

Honestly, oh my. god bless you. i think losing a baby always causes horrible grief because of the death inside you. I have been though this twice. you just have to remember that is isn't your fault. I think you are very blessed to even have been able to have a baby after the injuries you have sustained. i worry for you. i would say that you are lucky to have a husband but the way he wanted another baby so soon after such a difficult pregnacy prevents me.you are very young. you have a lot of wounds to heal. haveing lots of babies for a man who has no regaurd for your well being isn't going to help you. you are going to need to learn to love yourself and that is very hard when you have had so much pain, so many evil people around makeing you belive otherwise.
I really wish i could give u awesome advice, but i've been all screwd up too My story is not quite the horror your is. but it's pretty bad. i am sorry for you that your mom wasn't able to see when you were young that something was going on. my family also just let me be when they should have been making me talk, even if i thought at the time i'd be too scared to do it. we just fall though the cracks don't we? I suppose that you do need counciling, it's gonna hurt to bring all that out. but it has to be done before you can make peace with it and truly move on. you need to forgive yourself and know that you are lovable. one technique that i have been given by councilers is this- picture in your mind yourself when you were all alone and most needed the love you never recived. now imagine your grownself going up to that little girl and giving her all the love she needs and telling her how wonderful she is and the awesome person she'll grow to be. it's kind of a way to heal. you have to fill that void with the affirmation that you are wonderful and did nothing to deserve those things. and your gonna cry. i did. for weeks. i was a miserable heap of wretched saddness in the days when it came time to bring all the darkness of my childhood to the light of day. and i still deal with it. as far as loving myself it's one tiny, tiny step at a time and i have a long way yet to go. i'm so fragile. one little thing goes wrong and it's all right there to remind me....
You will have many, many years to be a mommy. you don't need to get it all done at once. you need love and support and peace in your heart before having another baby. it's not your fault. my heart really goes out to you. your guilt is likely to be the manifestation of your subconcious belife that you are somehow to blame, instilled by your father all those years ago. You are not to blame. remind yourself often. i won't forget you.

Lauren - posted on 03/05/2010

253

8

13

Kerri.. WOW!!!! You have been through so much. I too, was sexually abused by my stepfather, he and my mum met when I was 2, my sisters were 7 and 9. To be honest, I don't really remember much of the abuse, just that it started gradually, touching me, then me touching him, and gradually leading to full intercourse. He split with my mum when I was 16, but for a year I went to live with him. The abuse continued, and he had met another woman and re-married, she had a daughter who was 11 when they met him. I moved down to Bristol after a while, to live nearer to my biological dad, to be honest, I'd never really known my dad but I was glad to be away from my abuser!!!! I was happily living my life, met a man and got into a relationship, but a phone call, from his new wife's daughter, broke my heart. She was 14 at the time, and phoned me in tears asking if my abuser had ever "said anything weird".. I don't know why but I just knew he'd done something to her. I told her to go to the police, and I did the same. That same day, he was arrested and held in custody. It emerged that he had not only abused me, and his new stepdaughter, but he had abused my 2 sisters, and his OWN SISTER, when he was 13!!!! I had to give a video interview, as did his other 4 victims. Through hours of police interview he pleaded his innocence. 6 months later, in October 2008 he pleaded GUILTY to several counts of rape, indecent activity with a child and other charges. I went to court to see him be sentenced (I was 7 months pregnant at the time.. my son is now 15 months old), sat in the public gallery (was sat beside a wall, he was the other side, so I couldn't see him) to hear him receive an indeterminate sentence for public protection, with a minimum of 6 years. Meaning that he could stay in there for the rest of his life, but after 6 years (it's been almost 2) he could apply for parole, if, after psychological assessment they still deem him as a risk to the public then he will stay in prison. I forgot to mention he had 2 sons, one of which is my half brother (born to my mum), he's now 13, and it breaks my heart to think I ripped away his opportunity to have a dad.. although, deep down, I know it wasn't my fault. I just thank the Lord I didn't get pregnant, although I could have. What's the hardest thing for me is that, that "man" was there from the age of 2, and I thought of him as a dad. I miss the "fatherly figure" I had in him, I miss the way he was when he wasn't abusing me. It's as if I'm grieving for someone who's died.. he didn't die.. that "nice, loving fatherly figure" never existed.



I just wanted to tell you my story, and have you know that you are not alone. Others have been through similar experiences and, I had counselling. I found it tough, remembering, and talking about it brought back all the horrible memories. It doesn't work for everyone, and it WILL be tough.... but it's worth a try.



Love and hugs to you and your gorgeous son.



Lauren xXx

Kym - posted on 03/05/2010

93

56

6

Omg I dont kno what to say to that... I'm sorry for what yuu had to go thru!! But Im glad yuu have a great husband & lil boy 2dayy

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms