Michelle - posted on 05/12/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )
Where to start? I've been working in the computer field since I got out of high school, so a little over 6 years now. I have great health insurance that's going to cover just about everything and I work for a great company with great people. They just happen to be very, and I mean very, Christian-based.
My parents raised me Christian...and they were divorced when I was 8. Yea, don't ask me how that is justified (my dad left but still did visitation etc.) I know what an unhealthy parental relationship can do to a child because of my past.
I tried several different kinds of birth control but the hormone change was so extreme it was making me a different, difficult person to deal with. So I don't take the pill.
I dated a guy for 3 1/2 years from 20-23 years old. I was pregnant winter 2010/2011 the guy and I agreed to abortion. It was done. There were many other problems with the relationship and that was my wake up call. A few months later I was financially stable enough so I broke up with him and moved out. I don't regret but sometimes you just ask yourself that question of what if.
I was going out with girlfriends on the weekends enjoying my new found freedom again. I met a guy and we started seeing each other regularly.
Now in 2012, I'm 16 weeks pregnant and found out when I was 6 weeks. I couldn't stop getting sick so I went to get checked out and voila! you find out you are knocked up. Yes, I said it. My sister who is two years older than me got pregnant when she was 20, and her drug addiction became her downfall. My now retired elderly mother spends most of her time raising my nephew while my sister is trying to piece her life back together.
I am supposed to be the responsible child who doesn't screw up. I feel like I have screwed up so bad it's not even funny. Every forum I read says not to feel this way, right now easier said than done.
The baby's father has been very supportive and helpful. He just moved into my house for things to be more stable and help me get stuff done. He wakes up before me every morning and makes my lunch for work. He rubs my back, cleans the kitchen, and studies for his work. What more could a pregnant girl ask for right?
I'm not religious or attend church. That ended when I was a teenager and the hypocrisy of my father's actions turned me away on a very deep level, but I still have this deeply ingrained sense that I need to be married to have this child.
My partner argues that it is not right to get married just because of the baby. He will not even relent on this issue with me and I get upset because I push it so hard. The company I work for which is allowing me to work odd-hours in between morning sickness and appointments, giving me great health insurance, is so Christian-based it's ridiculous. The CEO is like a figure head in his church community.
I feel shamed that I was good enough to have sex with but not good enough to marry. That's how I honestly feel about it. As of tonight I've started thinking about adoption. For me this is very hard because of the first one I did not keep. I think to myself, another one huh? Great, you screw up.
My mom knows about it now. She's not ecstatic but she knows that I'm a hard worker and would never neglect a child in any way. She was a nanny while I was growing up. I got to raise other people's kids with her. My stepfather who is of what we call the older generation does not know yet. He's the type that believes marriage before sex and especially no living together without marriage as well.
My grandparents are going to the kicker. I love them very much for they dote on me. Seriously, I'm like the only grandchild who has a career at this point...and I have a lot of cousins. My boyfriend is from Uganda, 35 years old, and is black. I am of course, 24 years old, little white girl, USA. My mom says she is going to tell them but still hasn't done it. I'm at the point of going to see them and just telling them. If they don't want to talk to me afterwards at least I'll know and not have to wait on my mom to decide the right time.
So in summary:
1. My boyfriend won't get married.
2. It's going to impact my career future in known/unknown ways.
3. My family gets to find out that I'm not the *good child*, and some of them may not talk to me because of racism.