Should I be worried?

Ammie - posted on 07/18/2012 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I am very worried that if my son's father gets granted to take my son away to his house ( a different town ) that he will be left in a horrible environment. Let me explain. My son is 9 months (today) he has always been with me never separated, his father has seen him for a total of 19 hours of his life with a min visit of two hours a week, half the time he refuses to come. But now he is trying to get granted to take him out of the house and bring him to his house. My son is still breast fed, and is very clingy to me since I've been the main caregiver and only one to support him in ANYWAY. ( he doesn't even pay or supply anything ) His mother drinks from mid day to late evening, he smokes and does drugs, so does his brother the house isn't clean what so ever. I guess I'm just worried that if my son goes there that no one will be looking after him, he will be in an unhealthy environment and everyone will be to high/drunk to look after him, and lately I've heard that he has a new girlfriend who he has nick named "baby girl" I dont want so chick who I have never met hanging and playing happy family with my son!

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Michelle - posted on 07/22/2012

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File for child support, your child is entitled to it, and it has nothing to do with visitation. Go to court and file for custody. Don't hand over your child. If he wants to see your son he can go to court and file for visitation.

Ruth - posted on 07/20/2012

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Yes, you should get an attorney to stop the visitation until the court sends someone from CPS to investigate. You could call the cops and have them investigate the drug use etc. If he is not paying child support, every state has laws that protect the infant, he can go to jail. Don't be afraid to report his drug use and the fact that the environment is not healthy for the baby.

Carol - posted on 07/18/2012

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In a similar situation a friend of mine got legal advice. In court he was told he could visit under supervision twice a month for two hours and that if he did that he could visit more often. He was told unless he paid support he could not visit. He was told that after he had formed a bond with his child that he could demonstrate to a social worker - answer questons about schedule, naps, food, first aid, likes, methods to calm the child he could have a social worker visit his home and speak with the other residents there to assure it was a safe environment. He as also told he had to take a parenting class. Needless to say he was not up to any of this and has just drifted away. You are the custodial parent now and you have a lot of clout. Go to a legal aid center if you can't afford a lawyer but get this settled now. If he is a decent dad he will do the work and your son will benefit from knowing him. If he is not, and I suspect he isn't, he will prove it himslef by being unable to meet the criteria. You can appear reasonable "of course you can visit your son and take him places after you bond with him and demonstrate that you are capable of caring for him". Good luck

Alura - posted on 07/18/2012

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id attempt to get full custody... i think hed be better off with just you then spend anytime at all with an irresponsible selfish father like that.. good luck!

Toni - posted on 07/18/2012

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Bring all these facts to court with you.
Try not to bring up the new girlfriend, that will make you look like a sulking ex, but tell the court about how he never visits your son and doesn't pay child support. If you have proof of the drugs and alcohol bring that too, but dont mention it if you cant prove it.
If the father really wanted to be in his sons life he would make more of an effort to get to the visits and he would help with money. It seems to me like he is just being an ass.

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Carol - posted on 08/16/2012

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Bobbie, I could not disagree with you more. Do you not read the paper? Babies are taken by "fathers" or should I say sperm donors for all kinds of ego related reasons. If you know someone to be of low character or dangerous to your child you fight everyone to keep him away especially if he is 19 months old. An older child can help make these decisons. If a "fatheer" has not bothered to see a child in his life so far he should not be taking that child anywhere without the mother. Get legal help you do not have to give your baby to a low life just because you had an indescretion with him.

Bobbie - posted on 08/16/2012

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Just sent my long response but read that people are giving you advise you don't need. Here are the facts.
* You do have full custody ~ no need for a lawyer or courts
* You do have the paperwork filed showing he is the father by going for assistance. If they could get him to pay anything they would. When he turns 18 he will be notified by the state that child support is to be reviewed.
* You must be older than him? If he isn't yet 18 and still living at home and unable to give you support the state views that as a reason to give you more services and resources. I am sure you and your baby are getting free health care. If you aren't living with your parents you are getting housing vouchers and food stamps. You also are receiving WIC certainly. If you are spending your college fund it is a choice that you are making foolishly. The state is covering all of his needs and assuring you have what you need without working. His father is a child too in the eyes of the law. Like I said, that will change when he turns 18
*Family law is confusing but this is the long and short of it. In the eyes of the law they are the voice for your child that you have brought into this world. They don't view personal issues between the two of you as reason for withholding visitation. Child support not being paid has been determined by them to be a closed issue and visitation of the other parent is now the issue to be revisited. They don't care that he is dealing drugs isn't the case. They have to show proof for any allegations you bring up. A case of "innocence until proven guilty".

Bobbie - posted on 08/16/2012

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It has to be extremely hard for you. There are many different emotions invested shown in your question. There is the care and welfare for your son which I am sure is your main concern but there are also traces of many other emotions. Regardless of your hurt and the way he treated you or whatever the issues were between you two it is over. Your view has to shift completely away from treating him as an ex-boyfriend. You are still judging him as a father based on your private knowledge of all his bad habits and previous lifestyle from when he treated you as a gf. You aren't the same person you were before the baby right? You had bad habits and did things you wouldn't think to do now that you are a mother, right? Give him the same benefit of doubt. His reasons for not seeing his son could be anything from work schedule to feeling he has to deal with you and your attitude in order to just be able to hold his son. He shouldn't have to be monitored by anyone, especially his ex when he spends time with his baby. That isn't fair to him. He wants to have time with his son (rightfully) to be a father without you present. If you feel it is all an act just so he and his gf can play happy family you are thinking as a wronged ex-girlfriend not as a mother. I can assure you that no man wants to battle the courts for visitation and go through all those emotions just to play happy family. He currently has to deal with separating his life from you but creating a life with his son. He has the right, just as you have, to move on, find new love and still be a father, just as you will do as the child's mother. Remember you aren't going to be a nun and your son will have men in his life down the road that you choose to expose him to. You will have every right to decide who those people are and how much time they spend with your son. The father has the same rights. It just hurts that it is coming so soon on his side but believe me, you will be finding relationships that expose your son to men as well.
I read that he "might" be granted, not that he has. Also, it sounds terrible to hear you use words like "take him away" when it is only visitation, not a custody change. A child clinging to his mother at that age is normal. The baby crying when he is handed to another person will happen. It doesn't mean it is traumatic for the baby, just new and different. The more traumatic you act the more it will stress the baby. Courts rulings were probably that the father had to wait to get visitation because you were breast feeding. At 9 months the baby will thrive with a bottle or a cup when he isn't with you. Breast feeding is not a reason to keep him to yourself and not allow him to visit his father. If you are seriously concerned about his eating schedule than pump and freeze your milk to be taken along with him in his diaper bag to be fed while he is with his father. Helpful instructions on what he likes to eat, what he is currently eating and times he naps are very helpful to new dads to make visitation more pleasurable for you son. That IS the goal right!?
Most importantly, how very worked up you have gotten will effect the way you feel about yourself while the baby is on a visit. You need time to yourself as well. It is going to be healthier for both you and yours son to have separations IF they are approached with happy smiles, and no drama. A calm supportive mother of a child is a good mother. The kind of mother you want him to have.
Handling seeing your ex. The best advice I can give you is the hardest one to take ~ Work on forgetting how he hurt you and try to forgive him for what he has done to you personally. To do so will allow yourself to move past it all and stop hurting. It will also help you deal with the fact that there will be other women holding your baby while the child is in his care. Erase thoughts of "some chick you don't even know playing happy family". That is just jealousy raising it's ugly head. Chances are you two have very fresh wounds from the relationship I mean the baby is only 9 months old. I get it, I really do, but every breakup means going through that "I don't want him but I don't want anyone to have him either" phase. I have felt that many times and suffered with a bad case of it during my legal separation. I went to pick my kids up from a visit with their dad to find a sexy woman in high heels and skin tight pants making them pancakes for breakfast while their father was in the shower. Yep, he had her over night. There were wine bottles and glasses and weed laying out on the coffee table too. Talk about freaking out! We had only been separated for 2 weeks. Can't say I didn't hurt. Admit that I was very jealous, upset, sad, mad, the list of emotions goes on and on. What I didn't do was cry or make any comments about anything in front of the woman or my kids. I didn't ask them who she was or why she spent the night. Instead I asked if they liked their breakfast and they said no. They asked if I could show her next time how to make pancakes the way they like them. (out of the mouth of babes) I just had to deal with all my feelings inside so my kids didn't feel the emotions as well. You will feel these things but they are yours to work through in private, it may take a long time but as a mother it is your job to buffer your son from this part of your life. What his father does in his own time with his son is his private business. Your son isn't in danger just because his mother drinks and his brother and he do drugs and smoke. As I said, give him a chance to be a dad. As for your son going to his father's town you have a lot to accept and adapt to. Baby Girl being his gf is too much info for your own good. Don't let friends and family give you the scoop on his personal life, trust me, it hurts a lot less not knowing. I said to my family and friends, "don't know, don't care" to shut them down from feeding me info when they brought up my ex to me. My kids have had 3 step mothers. The first when they were just ages 3 and 7 then a quick divorce and another woman brought into their lives when they were just 5 and 9 years old. Their father is now married to his fourth wife. Took place when they were in their late teens. I have had years of anger towards him, hurt feelings and jealousy, rage, you name it. But feeling it and showing it to your children or him is destructive to everyone.
Outwardly you can be very active and helpful in getting the child to him for visits. You can be positive around him and smile as you say to your son "go to daddy". Make it ALL about the baby's happiness and emotional well being. You must keep the exposure to ex very brief! No need to ask where he is taking the baby, what he is doing and if he will have a girl with him. That info is frankly just trouble for your emotions and none of your business, period. If you act nasty, mad or hateful around him and his female friends the baby suffers emotionally. They pick up on tension and loud or raise voices should be a huge no no! . When you upset the baby during hand offs you can quickly set the tone for his father to feel he needs to retaliate and that just makes things harder for your son. Not letting them see you upset and showing no interest in his relationships is the best revenge. Don't fall into the silly childish cycle of seeing what you can do to make the baby not adapt. This is his father. Like it or not he should be in his life. Kids everywhere, every day are seeing their father or their mother who doesn't live together. They do best when they feel they are the focus and that both parents can act mature and calm.
You have to figure out what is important to the baby and what is just jealousy and relationship baggage. Try this to separate what emotion is driving the concerns you listed. If you feel a red flash in your face, a jolt to your stomach or anxiety about a topic in this matter, then you are feeling jealousy. If you are only feeling motherly instinct you won't have those physical symptoms.

Hillary - posted on 07/23/2012

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Hi AMMIE,
I would get to the closes Child Protection unit advise them of your predicament - if you have any proof of the above you should not have any problem stopping this. Why would you put your child at such risk.
Good Luck
Hillary

Carol - posted on 07/20/2012

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That is why we are suggesting an attorney who you speak with ahead of time and who you instruct to go after these things. The courts are overwhelmed and will not take action of you don't have an advocate to push for you.

Ammie - posted on 07/20/2012

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I have wrote in my court reply that he uses and deals, and they seem to not care and are actually looking past that!! And they don't seem to care what so ever that he doesn't pay child support.

Ammie - posted on 07/19/2012

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I do have a lawyer and I did have to go through legal aid to get one, he has been granted with a min of two hours per week to bond, but he rarely shows up. When I ask him to help support HIS son, and to think of paying for child support since I am paying with the money I had saved to go to college, but when I do ask he loses it, needless to say I am scared to ask when it is just use. My son doesn't need to be around that by any means. And in court I asked about child support and they said that because he is "in school" (dropped out) and that because he isn't 18, he can't work. Well ALOT of my friends have part time jobs and their in school/college and I worked while I was pregnant and in school, so that isn't an excuse by any means!! I don't know what to do all the points I have made and all the missed visits seem to be actually HELPING him!!! I don't understand that!

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