so. . what do i do about grandparents that seem to want to "take over" !!??? ANYONE?

Jazlynn - posted on 01/05/2010 ( 36 moms have responded )

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the subject line pretty much says it all.... does anyone els have this problem?



my son isnt here YET (9 more days though yay)

BUT ALREADY my, basically, mother in law just wants to do so much. like for example:

one of the baby shower gifts was a cute little outfit and she's like "ohhhh yes, we can put him in this when we go to church"

i just feel like its not a "WE" type of thing, if "I" wanna put him in it then cool, but she cant just say WE like she has say in stuff like that.



& then there's this: she keeps on saying stuff like "oh im so excited he's in my birthday month. god is giving me a great gift"

giving "ME" a great gift???

no.... its MY son.



i dunno, theres other situations similar to this but these are just two examples i remeber clearly getting annoyed by.

maybe im over reacting?????



basically i dont mind her excited that her 2nd grandchild is coming, and im happy he's got so many people who love him already and look forward to meeting him but.... I'M mommy, and i dont want that role to be shared. ya kno?



OK GIRLS, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK??!!

thanks

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Amber - posted on 02/12/2010

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ANNA-
"Well my mother in law always says that shes the mother to my kids and always tell them i am your mother and stuff like that but i just ignore her and go on and do my thing "

OH HELL NO! I would not and could not ignore a statement like that! You carried that baby for 9 months and delivered it NOT HER!
if i were you I would say something that is disrespectful and undermining you as there !mother

Mandi - posted on 12/17/2012

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ok I am with you on this totally and i am gonna tell you that you have to stand up NOW!!! and your husband should support you totally. i am 29 yrs old with 2 children and i have let my mother control my every move my entire life bc i didnt want to make her mad or hurt her feelings and I screwed up bad to where now she thinks my children are hers and she controls what they do and everything I do is wrong by them and I had enough and finally finallllly put my foot down after she almost destroyed my marriage and has my son wanting to live with her bc she gives him everything he wants when he wants to the point where he is out of control. I jumped on this and shared and I know this post is old lol but your examples just hit me like a ton of bricks bc my sons name was picked and she changed it before he got here and i let her. here is one of my examples just to show you ...... I called her and said im taking him to get his pictures made today ... she says what is he wearing so i told her a blue polo khaki shorts and his nike picas. she asked what time i told her and when i got there she was there waiting and changed his clothes in the building bc she went and bought him what she wanted him to wear :/ The worse one of all.... When he was born the doctor delivered him and when I reached for him after they cleaned him up she took him from the nurse and said to him hey my little man im here and wouldnt give me my baby so she was the first one to hold him and I had to yell at her and the nurse and say CAN I PLEASE HOLD MY SON! The only reason the nurse gave her my baby first is bc it was the nurse that was there when I was delivered and she and my mom discussed her holding first behind my back! My mother is no longer a part of my life bc i let this go too far and didnt stop it 10 years ago and it hurts. Dont let this happen to you :(

Nelly - posted on 08/20/2010

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Ooh girl I kno what you mean my mother in law acts like my son is hers like I don't mind her bonding with him but she takes it over board...but don't worry bout it she just to excited to be a grandma lol

Candice - posted on 02/17/2010

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OMG!!! My mother is a pyscho!!! She drives me absolutely insane!! She thinks she can get my son to bed quicker then i can or if i go to give him a bath shell be like oh i was going to do it but my back hurts. Umm lady its ok hes my son!! Or when he falls ill be holding him and shell be like ohhh come to grandma! I had to yell at her about it bcause it was just getting out of control. Ever since she has been better. I dont reccomend yelling at your mother-in-law lol but maybe just sit her downa nd have a talk with her before your baby comes.

Anna - posted on 02/12/2010

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Well my mother in law always says that shes the mother to my kids and always tell them i am your mother and stuff like that but i just ignore her and go on and do my thing sometimes they are just trying to get on your nerves but just don't give her the satisfaction that she wants she'll stop once you start taking over and she starts noticing who's the parent and who makes the decisions...

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Sandi - posted on 04/20/2014

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All our children's grandparents have died and their aunts and uncles are
selfish so we have very few people around us who even care in the first place.
It made me sad to read all these responses of dislike re: grandparents.
I would give anything for our children to have a day with our parents who have
died. Be easy on your grandparenting parents....you won't have them forever.
That is my only advice.

Charlotte - posted on 11/06/2013

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I live with my partners parents and his mother is so interfering. She will Evan go to the point of saying "nannys baby" and I'm like no my baby. she has Evan said to my partner that she doesn't like me Breast feeding because that means she can't help. Just makes me feel like she thinks that I'm doing a bad job raising my son. But if I tell my partner about this then he will make out as if she is an angel and that I'm making it up

Tiffany - posted on 10/12/2013

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i totally know you feel... i have the same problem.. my mother in law wants to do everything with my son and im fed up with it..... i hate that bitch and im about to doing something about it ... it sucks cuz we live with my mans parents... we have to move out asap

Naomi - posted on 08/20/2013

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I know the feeling! I'm 29 weeks pregnant and I feel like my boyfriends mother and grandmother have been trying to take over ever since I found out. I've been buying my son clothes and things he needs (like you do when your expecting a baby) and they will say things like 'oh I hope he knows he's getting spoiled before he's even born' and they always referre him to 'our baby'. Me and my boyfriend don't have a house together yet because I don't want to leave home for a while till me and the baby are comfortable and his mother doesn't like this because she thinks she'll never see the baby. His mother even wanted to be there at the birth! His mother and gran feel my bump without asking, and his mother was talking about taking my son away on holiday without me when he is born. She is really stressing me out its her first grandchild and I understand that she's excited but she just needs to step back a bit she really is starting to stress me out and it isn't good for the baby either.

User - posted on 07/14/2012

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You need to allow others to love your son and accept that it will not always be you loving on him. If you can take a step back and look at the big picture you will see that the relationship between your child and his grandparents is important and will aid him in being a well adjusted happy kid. I think although you carry the baby it is a blessing and a gift for grandma also. Your number one your mom but let people who love you son be involved in the little things whats it to you really? trust me at some point the reward of handing that angel off so you can take a nice long nap will be soo worth it.

Gail - posted on 08/28/2010

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my mom has been tryin to get custody of my son since before he was born but he is 9 months now n its not gunna happen over nite parents are pushy but u have to lay down the rules wen it cums to ur baby i have set rules for my mother i limit the grandma n grandson timing so he can still kno mommy but love his granny at the same time it takes support n communication from both sides but 1 thing u have to remember is be the best mommy u can be n love that baby no matter how complicating it may be

Dawnielle - posted on 08/27/2010

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haha i know all to well what you mean...alot of it is excitement...is this her first grand son?? because my mom was and still is a little protective...i think it is grandparent instinct...just be firm but polite to tel her what she is doing is bothering you....it may not be her intention may just be excied

Krystal - posted on 08/27/2010

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My in laws were so cool and still are about how I raise my child its my mom and dad who are like that! For example I will just have fed Brailen until he is full and my dad will insist that he is still hungry and try to get me to feed him until he throws up! But my mom takes the cake! When I tell her about something that my husband and I have decided to do with Brailen she'll get this face and then be like "Okay Krystal if you really think that that is the right decision then okay. I don't personally agree but..." and makes me feel like I'm not the one raising my son she is! It drives me crazy! Let me be mommy and you can sit in the background being grandma quietly!

Kailee - posted on 08/27/2010

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i understand fully whats your going through.
im 23 weeks pregnant.
i got kicked out of my house for standing up for what i believe in.
my mom would go out and buy i heart my grandma bibs for my baby, but no mommy or daddy ones.
and she would talk about all the stuff she was going to buy for my baby and everything, always rubbing my belly.
i was going to name my baby sophia if it was a girl, but me and my boyfriend(the dad) changed the girl name to alexis, even after we told her that she would always call the baby sophia, she had her mind set that the baby was going to be a girl and everything that she was goign to buy for her. once i found out i was having a boy, she was pissed had nothign to say about it blah blah blah.
so i stayed at my boyfriend house for a week, i went home to talk to my mom and vist and just let her know i had to stay at his house one more night to help him baby sit his sisters.
well my mom got all mad and said that i could move out and stuff.
iv been living here at my boyfriend house for about a month and 1 week, no phone call to see how me or her grandsons doing.
what a good mom ehh. :)

Brittany - posted on 08/20/2010

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i dont think you are over reacting at all i am in the same situation!! i hate it. and the worse thing is that i can not same anything to her and then my boyfriend gets sick of me complaining about her to him!!

Laura - posted on 08/20/2010

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i had a similar problem when i had my first child but it was from my mum and after i gave birth, it was little things like her taking the baby out without asking or telling me what i could and couldnt dress her in what i should be feeding her etc. in the end it got to much and i told her how i felt now she is a fantastic grandma and gives me advice instead of telling me asks if she can take the kids out and is the best support i have. all i can say is try talking to her and telling her how u feel and be sure to tell her that u want her in your childs life but your the parents and want to raise the child your way with her support it might not be easy but it will be better than letting it build up good luck and congratulations

Porche - posted on 02/12/2010

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I know this feeling already. My baby isn't here yet (I'm due on the 14th) But since my family found out I was pregnant, my mom, my step mom, and my grandmother seem to forget at times that this is my baby.



I understand they are so involved because they love me and her, and they know I'm in this alone for real but at the same time it gets annoying with them telling me what I should do, what I need to do, what they are GONNA do. Not asking what I need or giving advice but completely taking over.



Most of the time I just ignore it but the last few weeks have gotten harder and harder to do so, I guess because I'm ready for this to be over with now, my patience for alot of things have grown short ESPECIALLY them referring to my daughter as "their baby".

Megan - posted on 02/12/2010

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I know how you feel but in all honesty you need to be able to stand up for yourself and say listen i appreciate your help but this is my child and i will make the decisions concerning him/her i appreciate your opinion but this is my decision. dont be afraid to stand your ground girly!

Briana - posted on 02/12/2010

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yea I just moved out of my inlaws. its always your choice when you want advice but when you dont thaey always have there own opinoins then they like take off with them without letting you know start making you dicitions for you . my son wouldnt call me momma till i moved out he'd cry when i took him I was so depressed but then I moved out and now they are pissed at me. and my mother inlaw told my aunt that if me and my husband devorce they will fight for costody of myy kids and when they watch them for me my aunts like make sure you tell them a big big thank you its like... i'm not gonna kiss there feet i'll be polite and thankfull but theyd take my babys away if they had the choice not tlikme there doing me any favors... be carfull the boundries of respect and putting your foot down they will spoil your child so much that they might act like they hate you and that hurts bad..

Lyndsay - posted on 02/11/2010

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wow im having the same exact issue with my parents they just wont stop i argue with everyday im not exaggerating either and the my son's fathers parents don't even think that my son is his! i would love to chat sometime but what you can do is tell them you are the parent of this child and they legally don't have no rights over the baby only you and the father do...hope this helped

Barbara - posted on 01/26/2010

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When I had my daughter, I was 17, my mom took over. It got so bad that one day I just told her to stop and that if she keeps doing everything I will never learn to be a mom. Cant say it will work for you if you are blunt and honest about it but it worked for me.

Jenn - posted on 01/21/2010

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when i had my son, my mother didnt say the things that your mother says but it was something like it, whenever i was doing something with my son, it was wrong or i could have done better. there are somethings that they just want to help you with. all you really need to do is take there advice into consideration, and do what you think is best. it is your baby and when you want some help your advice then you will ask. try to explain that to them. she sounds like she is just realyl happy to have another granchild in her life. it really doesnt matter what she says, the best thing to do is to just let her think what she wants to think. if that makes her happy. then is she says that she has a problem, then let her know what is on your mind, respectfully. just make it very clear to her that this is your child, and her grandchild, and that you know she loves the baby, but you need your own space to make the decisions. and when it comes down to it, if you need her, then you will be more then happy to ask her for adivce. i did that with my mother and she understood. when it comes to the clothes thing...put him in whatever you want him to wear. then on somedays put on what she says would be nice. that will make her feel like you listened to her. i know its tough but showing them that you do listen to them but you have your own mind also, will help them back off a little bit.

Juanita - posted on 01/21/2010

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I know what you mean I went through the same thing with my mom, you justhave to tell them that you don't mind hearing what their opinions are and you appreciate that they are trying to help but you will make the final decision because that is your role not theirs. You may have to make it a point to tell them more than once but soon they will get the point if you are consistent. Sometimes you just have to be down right mean about it. Hopefully she will get he point with the first part of the advice it is sooo much easier.

[deleted account]

OK thats a hard one because you want to tell her to back off but you'll also want to keep her included because they really do help alot. So I think that when she says stuff like its a great gift for her. Just say " And its an even greater gift to me because this is my first baby." That will show her that she's not number one. You are. And with the outfits and stuff. Tell her thanks for thinking of that, and then add that maybe you have a couple other outfits too that you can have him wear. I have had to tell my own parents to back off when on some things when they were babysitting her. Its so hard but you have to help her realize that he's your son! Not her's

Kim - posted on 01/20/2010

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Be happy that she is excited and loving and supportive. A child can never have too much love. There will be plenty of things you have to do all by yourself. Like get up at 2am 4am and possibly 5am. You and your baby are blessed to have some like her in your lives ...enjoy. She is not trying to take over she is trying to share. the newness will wear off soon enough.

Chelsea - posted on 01/20/2010

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my mom was the exact same way!! it ust to really get to me but honestly all it is, is their excited! they love that baby as much as you in a completely different way! they just want to help and you should take and love all the help you can get, no matter what your going to be mommy to your baby and she will always be grandma!
my mom eventually stopped saying we and im going to do this and all that about after a month of my son had been here. don't worry it all gets better!

Sasha - posted on 01/17/2010

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considering you wrote this before the baby was even born i think it should wait lol cause you never know how the situation might turn out to be like in the future,..i had many people who were overly excited for my son to be born and people making plans and all that other stuff but since hes been born no ones been really been there except my mom , BUT i think its best if you stand up for how YOU want the kid to be raised :) dont feel obligated to follow what everyone else says or does! :D

Rhiannon - posted on 01/16/2010

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No, you're not over reacting at all. I felt the same exact way. honestly, you just have to tell them. i got really overwhelmed because my baby spent the first 3 weeks in the NICU and it seemed like the whole time she's was there his mom would come over and tell me what WE were gonna do and how much better it was gonna get for US. the fact that my baby was in the hospital and i was already stressed out didn't help AT ALL. and when she showed up with my baby's new, not cute at all, take home outfit (which is totally something i wanted to pick out for myself) i came apart. i had a complete and total breakdown when she asked me what was wrong i just told her. i felt like she was taking over, and not letting me just be a new mom and it was very frustrating for me. to my surprise, she was way understanding about it. we had a long talk, and we get along just fine now. fact of the matter is, she was just as excited as i was and until i told her it was bothering me she had no way of knowing she was doing anything wrong. she doesn't do it anymore, and now i feel like i can really talk to her about things that upset me.
i feel like i'm babbling now lol. i would suggest just talking to her though. you don't have to be rude about it, just honest.
it worked for me! good luck!

Kassie - posted on 01/16/2010

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my mom when i first said i was pregnant told me that she WAS going to babysit during hte week and that she WAS doign this and WAS doign that and i was like no its MY baby not yours! and now my boyfriends mom is beign the same way. when we had my first ultrasound we found out it was a girl and immediately she was just like omg everythign is goign to be pink and i was just like not if i dont want it to be i meean i like pink n everything but EVERYTHING pink is a little extreme. then she was like well im buying everything and its GOING to be pink and i was like no its not! im the mom and she just kind of ended it there but then she still kind of makes her comments sometimes like saying what bottles i have to use or what diapers i need to use n stuff like that but now i just ignore it and tell my bf and he handles it i dont need the stress. but guess what she didnt get her way alot of the stuff actually isnt pink. i wouldnt wanna go into labor n have the baby n them tell me oh its a boy! that would be awful if he had to come home in a pink dress huh? so basically just stand up for yourself dont be rude, but just tell her that you are the mom she already had her kids now its your turn adn you have to learn from mistakes just let her know that kindly.

Sha - posted on 01/12/2010

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Ever since I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend's mom has been constantly trying to control everything. I can understand her being excited because it's her first grandchild, but she has taken it over the top. She TOLD me that when I go into labor that she WILL be in the room and I was like, "ummm, no. I want MY mom and my boyfriend in there and that's it."

Then, she brought over a bunch of toys and baby clothes and everything, which I'm very thankful for, but then said, "I was thinking we could decorate the baby's room in Whinnie the Pooh stuff. I love Whinnie the Pooh." Okay? Congratulations? I HATE Whinnie the Pooh (no offense), but I just don't understand how she's going to include herself in making the decisions.

And then, she told me, after I have the baby, she is coming to stay with us for 2 weeks and that she will be babysitting every other weekend. I really don't see that happening at all. I don't want anyone over there, really, for the first 6 weeks. That's my time with the baby. Not hers. And I'm pretty sure that we will ask you to babysit, but you aren't gonna tell me when you're going to babysit. You know what I mean? It's really aggrivating that she thinks she can just take control like that. It really bothers the heck out of me, but I told her how I felt and that it was MY decision who is in the room when I go into labor, it's MINE and KENNY'S decision how we decorate her room, and it's MINE and KENNY'S decision who babysits and when they babysit. She was upset at first, but then I had to explain that it's her granddaughter. We are the parents, so we make the rules. She eventually let go of everything, though.

User - posted on 01/11/2010

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i had this with my boyfriends parents, they would tell me how to do this and that, not to pick them up when they cryed, wean them at 2months, potty train at 6months, dont spend so much time playing with them because then they will expect it, ya get the idea! wanna know what i did? i did the opposite of everything they said (unless i was gonna do it anyway!). my son is 2 1/2 and my daughter is 15months, and it took them 1 YEAR to accept that I am the mother and they are the grand parents. i would just say that do what YOU think is right, if they tell you to do something and it goes against your instincts then go with your instincts. they will (eventually) have alot more respect for you if YOU raise ur baby. obviously, let them bond with the baby but dont let them spend every day with him. if they offer to take the baby for a walk to let you get some rest then fine, let them if u want but remember that the first few days with your baby are a huge bonding time so tell them your not up for long visits so you can spend time with your partner and baby, as a family. i think it just may be that shes a bit over excited and eventually she will back off on her own. my partners parents were so excited, they had plans of babysitting, playing with toys, cuddling on the sofa etc, they havent babysat once and they even kicked us out their house! im sure when it comes down to it, she wont b going church with your baby every sunday and she wont babysit every weekend!

Renee - posted on 01/11/2010

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I know exactly what you mean. My Mum in general is fairly mellow, but sometimes ahe comes out with stuff that makes me want to scream, like "make sure you put cream on her bum" or "are you sure that bottle isn't too hot?" In those cases I know she means well but I just want to screm that I am her Mum! I have managed to live away from you with her and she's fine! But really it's my mother in law that gives me hell, Like: "Oh, dont give her a dimmy, we never gave the boys pacifiers" then takes it off her and lets her cry, and when I say something she puts on the tears and goes on about how i dont value her opinion and she's only trying to help. Honestly it's like she is trying to parent my baby.
I didn't want to for the sake of my other half but I snapped at her, and told her she doesnt get a 2nd chance at raising a child, i do value her opinions, but its up to me to choose how to raise my baby.
Its hard to tell them but once they back off.. Its awesome.

Brittany - posted on 01/10/2010

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My daughter is here and my mom is doing that. My mother-in-law is letting Jeremy and me raise her as we wish and I live with his parents. Its weird, my mom wll say things like "your starving her" when I am making the bottle. Ohhhh... when I was about to have her saying that having a baby will ruin your life. and making me feel like she didn't want me. She scared me saying that one case where the lady got an epirdurl and died because it went to her upper bod instead of down.... WHICH DOES NOT HAPPEN!!

Jodie - posted on 01/10/2010

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since my daughters been born my mother-in-law has basicly tryed to take over and is always buying her stuff to make up for telling me to have an abortion when we take her round im barely alowd to touch her or anything they treat her like a toy n it really gets to me. This is her 1st grandchild so u can imagen its madening. When were holding her sometimes she walked up and pretty much tugs her off of us , ive said something to her and she doesnt do it any more to me as such i hate it cos i feel really pushed out but she does it really badly to my partner and it really gets to us so we end up going round less and less cos neither of us can handle it. I would say something if it bothers u. Cos ive told my mother in law before that i dont want it x

Ashley - posted on 01/07/2010

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yea i know how you feel, but grandmothers play a big role in there life, if you ever need something or a babysitter to get a break they are there, so just let her know not in a mean way that thats your son, and you would like her to ask you permission on stuff maybe, my mom does the same way and so does my boyfriends mom always coming and taking miya from me when she is a little fussy i dont mind if i need her to take miya but not always, cause then i will never learn so just tell her that maybe

Angie - posted on 01/05/2010

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Quoting Jazlynn:

so. . what do i do about grandparents that seem to want to "take over" !!??? ANYONE?

the subject line pretty much says it all.... does anyone els have this problem?

my son isnt here YET (9 more days though yay)
BUT ALREADY my, basically, mother in law just wants to do so much. like for example:
one of the baby shower gifts was a cute little outfit and she's like "ohhhh yes, we can put him in this when we go to church"
i just feel like its not a "WE" type of thing, if "I" wanna put him in it then cool, but she cant just say WE like she has say in stuff like that.

& then there's this: she keeps on saying stuff like "oh im so excited he's in my birthday month. god is giving me a great gift"
giving "ME" a great gift???
no.... its MY son.

i dunno, theres other situations similar to this but these are just two examples i remeber clearly getting annoyed by.
maybe im over reacting??? 

basically i dont mind her excited that her 2nd grandchild is coming, and im happy he's got so many people who love him already and look forward to meeting him but.... I'M mommy, and i dont want that role to be shared. ya kno?

OK GIRLS, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK??!!
thanks


I know exaclty what u mean!! my stepmom constantly tries to tell me what to do!! i hate it!!...i dont even like talking to her anymore...she thinks she knows everything...her and my dad have screwed up pretty badly with my brother..always letting him do what he wanted when he wanted, bailing out of trouble, not punishing him for anything..he's 22 and already has 4 owi tickets...i keep wanting to tell them they have already helped to ruin his life so leave my daughter alone..they had their chance with their kids...shes my daughter and i will raise her the way i choose...i get sooo mad when they try to tell me what to do...hello they are the ones who told me to have an abortion and when i said no they said they would make me

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