Teenage mom, father wants to see the baby after leaving. Help???

Allie - posted on 06/08/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Okay. So I hope this doesnt turn out really long but I have so much t say. sorry for any typos I.m writing fom my phone and it lags it a lot.
Alright, so I'm 17, and I have a 7 months old baby. I got pregnant when I was 16. It was the first time, I was dumb and unexperienced, immatture... Anything along those lines, I recognize it. My ex told me that since it was my first time here as no risk of getting pregnant and I believed him like a fool. Weeks later I found out I was pregnant and after a week more of no sleeping I decided to tell my boyfriend then. I was hoping he would assume responsability and stay with us two. But when I told him he left me the day after. He asked me if I wanted to get an abortion, I said no and he said that he was too young and couldn't deal with the responsabilities of raising a child. I went through pregnancy all by myself, as well as giving birth. My parents own a company so they have never been too involved in my life. I grew up raised by babyaitters mainly, so my parents are no help.
Now after seven months from Jace's birth things seemed to finally fall into place. A guy I knew before got pregnant, who was my friend, started to come to my house. Hes now 19. At first I did not want to see him because he was involved with my ex, but he explained he had not seen him since we broke up and he just wanted to help me because he knew I was all alone. After some weeks of him trying to help I finally let him help me with my baby some hours of the day, sometimes while I took a quick nap or something like that. He turned out to be so, so, so sweet. He bonds with Jace perfectly and ia great with him, and always helps without telling him more than once. Couple months of having him around he told me he had always liked me before and that he wanted to be there with my son and me, involved in our lives. At first I did not want any romantic relationship with him, but after some more time I realized I was having feelings for him and it might be a good chance to reconstruct my life with him and give my son a father, even though he is not his biological dad. He also told me that my ex had been cheating on me with more than one girl for months, including having sexual relationships. Anyways, we have now hold a relationship for almost three months and I could not ask more of him. He changes Jace, feeds him, plays with him, falls asleep with him in the couch... Just the perfect dad, and my kid loves him. He has recognized to me that he does not want sex before marriage, and has never tried anything other than holding me and kissing me. I know it is only a couple of months of us sharimg a relationship, but he has been around for longer, and it just feels right with him. I dont want to jump into anything at all right.now, like we are going to be together forever or anything like that, but just take it one day at a time.
Now heres the problem. Two weeks ago I found at my door my ex, Jace's biological dad. Although the first time I closed the door on his face and refused to see him, he would not give up. He would call me, he would ring the door, he woukd wait for me outside my house, he would wait for me to get out of my job. He said he wanted to see his son, and he apologized for leaving, excusing himself that he was just too young and caught off guard and couldnt cope with it.
I talked to the guy I am with now, and after a really long talk we agreed to let him see my aon at least once. He saw him, and spent a day with him. That same day when he returned my son to me he confessed that he still loved me and wanted to get our lives back so we could be a family. I explained to him that the only interest I had of having him arouns was for my son. Still, I feep that I have a special place for him inside me, since he was the one that I lost my virginity to and now we have a child together. But I still like a lot to be around the guy I'm with now, and spend time with him. I'm a complete mess.
On one side I want to get rid of him Jace's father and not let him see my son, but on the other I find myself wondering if it is fair that I'm not allowing Jace to meet his biological father. Yet again, since the guy I'm with now, Bren, has been around him and taking care of him I am worried that it might cause confusion to my son when he grows older. I am also worried that hm being around mght harm my current relationship. Before he appeared everything was going great and now I'm just so confused and worried.

Okay sorry for the super long text, ladies! Advice please? I'm lost

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Giovanna - posted on 06/12/2012

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I just wanted to start off by saying good for you!! I know firsthand how hard it is to deny your first love, especially when they're the father of your son. You are extremely strong for that, stronger than anyone can even think unless they've gone through it themselves.
As far as his being involved in Jace's life.. I think you should take things slowly. He's been gone all this time, so there isn't any rush to push him back in. Not only will that help Jace transition him back in, but it will also give his dad time to figure out whether he will still be there for him when you're not together. That very well could happen, because he might just be playing the Dad card to try and trick you into thinking he has changed. Telling him that you're not going to get back with him, but would love for him to be involved in Jace's life is what I suggest, to see if he'll really stick around for his son.
Whatever you do, do not force him back though. That will just make him resent Jace, and will not at all give them a good relationship. If he wants to be there, cautiously allow him to be a part of his life, very slowly. It wouldn't be good for Jace if one week his dad is there all the time helping out, and then one day he's just gone.
I don't think Jace having two 'father figures' in his life will make him confused. If anything, that will make things easier, because he has such a great support system to catch him if things fall through with his biodaddy.
Once again, I'm proud of you! Reading things like this remind me how lucky I am to have my son happy despite his dad barely being in the picture.

Elisa - posted on 06/11/2012

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I also agree with Louise. You should never go back to someone that hurt you that bad and even left you through out the toughest time in your life. If he loved you he would have stayed by your side through out the entire pregnancy and be their for his child. I don't know your ex at all, but I can tell you right now that the only reason he came around again is most likely because he heard around that another man was actually caring for his child and was an actual MAN about it. He doesn't want to look like a fool, but he already does by not being by your side when you needed him most. Guys will say anything to get back with you, especially the whole "I still love you" crap. Don't fall for it. Stay with the man you are with now. I know it's so hard because it is your first love and your child's father, but in the end who can you see yourself with down the road? You are starting fresh with the new one and he hasn't cheated on you! Give your ex a taste of his own medicine. Be strong and don't give into him because that's what he expects you will do.

Kelina - posted on 06/11/2012

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I agree with louise. don't go back to him, there will always be that spot in your heart for the guy you lost your virginity to, and had his baby, but going back to him would be a mistake. Supposedly he cheated on you. He put his needs and feelings over the needs and feelings of you and your son. He abandoned the both of you. If he's ready to step up and be a dad, good for him. But that's al he should be to you and Jace.

Louise - posted on 06/08/2012

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I think you would be a fool to go back to the man that abandoned you and your child at the very thought of being a dad. The only reason he is there is because another man holds your heart strings and that has dented his ego. Let him see your son, he can baby sit whilst you and your true man go out. There is nothing wrong with having two father figures in your life. i have two!

The man that is there for you and has taken your son to his heart is a special man indeed. If you toss him to the side he will not come back to you as it would break his heart. If you chose the father of your child you are picking a long miserable life for you and your child. He is not interested in settling down and taking responsibility, he will run again at the first thought of trouble. You need stability and respect. I know you have feelings for him being the father of your child, but at the end of the day feelings do not put bread on the table and roof over your head. Your current partner has chosen a life with you and baby, your last partner ran from that relationship. Personnally I could never forgive a man that left me to deal with pregnancy and birth and 7 months of raising a baby alone. He cant just nip round and nip back into bed with you.

If you dont love your current partner then you have to tell him sooner rather than later because he is bonding with you and your son and it will come as an almighty shock if he has to lose you both. Make your mind up either way, but there is no going back from that decsion when made!

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