thinking about giving up kid for adoption... what to do?

Aeryn - posted on 12/31/2012

Is there an update on this story?

Lisa - posted on 12/26/2012

u sound like me im only 22 this is my second ive already moved 11 times with my first child cant seem to keep a stable home or job and the baby father is no help all he does is emotionally abuse me and makes this pregnancy more hard and stressful then it is i never experienced such misery wit my first daughyer but this time around all i do is cry every other day so im considering adoption i thought of abortion but i cudnt committ that is murder

Sarah - posted on 10/11/2012

I was 19 when I had my daughter. Throughout most of the pregnancy, I wanted to put the baby up for adoption. I knew it would be heart breaking, but I also knew it would be the best thing for my baby.



At the last minute, the baby's father sued me for custody of our unborn child. Knowing him and knowing me, I chose to fight to keep my baby, and I won.



At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is the best thing for you and for your baby! You know in your heart what that thing is! There is a lot of love and support for you either way! My baby is 17 now, and I am proud to say that she is an amazing young lady, who I am proud to have raised. I still think adoption would have been the best option for her, and, remarkably, she agrees!

Rhonda - posted on 10/11/2012

Shantanna,



I haven't read responses. First, a lot of women feel this way. I know I did. Don't feel guilty. That feeling might leave as soon as you see the baby. It may not. Some of us have a difficult time bonding. Give it a little time. Pray for strength and guidance. You can still bless some other woman with your baby if you decide it is right a little later. If you choose to do it while hormones and emotions are running high, you might regret it later. I am a supporter of adoption. My first cousin is adopted and I know several others. All are good stories. I'd like to share my story with you.



I can identify with you completely. On birth control, I found myself pregnant at 15. I had morning sickness and did not go to school until lunch tme. My homeroom teacher saw me entering school and accused me of skipping. I was angered and quit school that day. I turned 16 in March and had my daughter in May. The "first time", 6 weeks later, the condom broke. I just knew I was pregnant. I was a nervous wreck. Sure enough, I tested "positive". I was so scared. I cried and cried. I considered abortion, but knew I could not live with myself if I did that. The whole pregnancy, I was afraid something would be wrong with the baby. I turned 17 in March and had another baby girl 3 weeks later in April. I completely understand your feelings of being overwhelmed, scared, and just about anything else you can think of. Okay, so here I was, barely 17 with two baby girls (10 months 2 weeks apart) and A high school drop out. I signed up for welfare. I was so embarrassed. I thought if people saw me go in that place, they would judge me. I did not want to be a welfare mommy! I took my GED and passed. I got a job at Wendy's. It took me 2 months to realize I could not support my little family on that without government support. So, again, because of government grants and public assistance, I was able to start college. I felt guilty. I felt like a leech. I hung in there because there was no way in this world I could not have done it myself. Guess what, by the time my babies were 6 and 7, I became a Registered Nurse and A darned good one. I work hard in Critical Care. Now, the girls are 23 and 22. The 23 year old has a Bachelor's Degree in Bio-Medical Sciences and is finishing up her Nursing Program. She is also tme mom to a 4 year old so, I am a grandma. The 22 year old is a model and the mother of a 10 month old daughter. It is hard to see through the stress now, but it will get better and easier. I promise. Better yet, God promises! You see, I prayed every step of the way. I believe my babies were born healthy because I prayed and God answered. I believe I passed my GED because I asked and God answered. I believe I got into Nursing School on first pick (there was a 2 year waiting list then) because I asked and God answered. I believe I passed my state licensure on first attempt because I asked and God answered. Don't get me wrong. It was no bed of roses. There was a lot of struggle, stress, and sacrifice but YOU CAN do this. You need to find your help and your strength. For me, that was God because I had none anywhere else. I used to be sad because I had no one to turn to. I believe I was put in that position for a reason. It made me turn to God for lack of anyone else. And He delivered and He took care of me and us. I read something the other day that went something like this: A diamond is formed only through time and pressure. Girl, keep on keeping on. Keep looking up. Know where your help comes from. On a side note, I went on to have a 3rd daughter who is now 8. She was planned to be the last. I was surprised to find God had alternate plans as he gave me a son (despite 2 forms of birth control). He is now 7 months old. Yep, I have grand children older than their uncle AND I was pregnant at the same time as my daughter. Weird, huh?



If after prayer and a little time you feel it is right, adoption is a wonderful thing. Sometimes depression can cause us to have problems with bonding though. Maybe you could look into counseling time help you sort through thoughts? Maybe be evaluated for depression, too and take meds if needed (be patient though, it takes a while to become regulated and to find what is right for you).



In peace, comfort, and encouragement. 



Rhonda

Sandra - posted on 10/05/2012

Well first of all every mother is connected to her baby in some way. you just dont know it. i am a teenage mom i am 19 years old with a soon to be 6 month old son who was born with club feet and torticollis but i love him with all of my heart and i would never change that. people are concerned about you and your baby because if your sad and angry it can cause a miscarriage. you need to think of your baby and yourself and whats right and whats not right. my best friend is going through the same thing and i told her that you cant give up your baby because once you push him out and you look into his eye and get to hold him your not going to want to let go. and if you choose to breastfeed you will be breaking a bigger bond. i love being a mom because you learn new things everyday and you have someone that will be with you every step of the way. if there is anything you need to talk about you can message me

Marian - posted on 09/21/2012

I am a foster carer and how I wish the birth parents had had enough self awareness to put their kids up for adoption rather than have them in and out of the care system till they are so badly damaged they are doomed to a life of misery. You are in a no win situation - once the baby is born you will feel such a rush of love that giving him/her up will feel impossible. Yet if you don't how sure are you that you can give the total committment and nurturing environment that is the child's right? Putting the child up for adoption takes courage - and a willingness to put the child first. I live every day with the damaged children of parents who "loved them too much to give them up" - it's a shame they did not love them enough to do so until it was far too late for them to have any sort of future.

Brandee - posted on 10/23/2010

Im a mother of a 1 year old and going to college. I didnt have to quit school just because i had a child. Thats just some crap people spew to hopefully discourage teens from getting pregnant in the first place. Not easy, but not impossible. The pros may not be evident right now but wait til the baby is born, your heart will melt. BUT that doesnt mean adoption isnt a good option. Talk to an agency and your doctor. Maybe your doctor can help you with depression. And maybe the agency can help you assure your idea of adoption.

Alicia - posted on 10/21/2010

im not being rude but u do not give a baby up for adoption after having him or her in ur life and arms for a few months! :( thats terrible. it would hurt the mom more doing that

Casey - posted on 10/16/2010

im 17 with a 4month old was pregnant at 16, when i first found out about it i was keen on the whole idea i had looked into abortion and everything but im not one who can go through something like that. Keeping my boy was the best thing i ever did! i havent finished school but there is ways you can do it, im a mum i work 3days a week and am finishing my schooling from home! everything is posible, dont give up hope that baby could be what you need, they bring so much joy, happiness and love! good luck and do what you think is right for you, if you choose adobtion then there is so many loving families out there wanting children!

Lisa - posted on 10/15/2010

I had my first son when i was 15 and my second with 18 and i could not imagine life without them. First of all you will be able to finish school. Im not 21 and I finished high school over a internet program when i was 16 and am now in college, so there is one problem solved for u. But to be honest I think if u were to give your child up for adoption u would regret it for the rest of ur life and would not be able to get her back. It is really meaning full to have a purpose in live like to take care of ur child and im a single mom of 2 kids and i can manage it so u could too.

Ciara - posted on 08/03/2009

Take a deep breath let it in let it out slowly, unfluster yourself for a minute and really think about whats good for that baby sake. School is very important and yes it gets harder when you have kids but you have to have that higher motivation to want to succeed in school. All in all it does sound like you are ready to give this baby up to people who can love him/her and give the baby a nice home and everything that goes with it. So my suggestion to you is to contact an adoption agency and start working with them right away, they may be able to find you a family right away, fill out all of the paper work and do what you feel is right. Best of luck to you! keep us updated on what happens with everything! and if you ever need to talk to someone just feel free to send me a message.

Samantha - posted on 08/03/2009

It's really your call . if you want fill out the forms and wate till the baby is born to sign them for sure . its no point to keep a child you feel no connection to . its not healthy for the baby or for you . so if you want to give it up . it will make 2 people who want a child very happy to get one and you will be doing the right thing for youa s well . no one can make that decision for you but you .

Kat - posted on 08/03/2009

i had my oldest daughter at 15. she's now 12. i know how you're feeling but i do think that even if it takes a few years for you to get on track it'll be worth it in the end. i had severe depression and considered giving my child up when she was six but i stuck with it and am amazed now that i came out the other side. i had my 2nd daughter 2 yrs ago and felt nothing but hate towards my bump throughout the pregnancy-i don't know why because i am in a stable marraige etc but as soon as she was born i loved her one zillion per cent! i got a good education and am now a married stay at home mum (my husband is in the army) it won't be easy and there might be times when you are so tired that you hate the sight of your baby but you will be fine in the end x

Tamara - posted on 08/03/2009

Giving a child up for adoption can be a wonderful gift for a couple or even a single parent that are/is unable to have child, but it is a VERY difficult decision to make. I've known a lot of mothers that did not really connect with the child until the child was delivered and placed in their arms. However, if you honestly think that it would be better for the child to be in a home that does not have to worry about money, then you should give the child a better home. This doesn't discount your ability to be a mother. It actually shows that you are being responsible and trying to provide for the child that you conceived. All biological mothers should be praised for having to make that difficult decision and for giving a gift that is so precious. Good luck!

Ronda - posted on 08/01/2009

Shantanna, I had my first at the age of 19, she was one of the best things that has happened in my life. Adoption is not a bad thing at all. I had 2 brothers that was put up for adoption when they were born (at separate times) I always wondered if I would find them & I know my mom always wondered about them, luckily we did find my older brother 11 years ago and well unfortunately my baby brother we were told he only lived till he was about 2 months old. My mom had her reasons for putting them up for adoption, at the time it was what was best for my brothers and my mom. All I can tell you is do what you feel is best for your baby and for you. Being a mother can be very stressful at times but it can also be the most rewarding thing you will ever do in life. As for being on welfare, there is nothing wrong with getting help...God knows I have had to go down that road myself a few times. As for finding the father, well I do believe the child support agency tracks them down. My father was and I do believe is still a dead beat dad and even my mom dragging him to court for child support never worked, half the time he never showed up, but things have changed a bit since I was a kid. But I think that you dragging him to court is your choice. I do believe that his name does not have to go on the birth certificate( Don't hold me to that one though). I hope I was of some help to you. I really do hope you can figure out something soon. The emotions you are feeling, well are some what normal, talk to your OB/GYN and see what he/she has to say about the emotions. As for it seeming like everyone is concerned about the baby, I have to agree with Veronica Simon "I'm sure others are very concerned about you but may have a hard time showing it at this point. Most people tend to show a general interest in the baby because the baby is helpless at this stage." However you are showing concern toward the baby, it sounds to me like you are thinking of the baby & what is going to be the best for you & baby. Just remember that no matter what God loves you, and if you open your heart to him he can help guide you through this rough time.

Rachele - posted on 08/01/2009

Talk to an adoption agency, you have only a few weeks left. My parents were foster parents that worked with an agency, and some of the mothers changed their minds and took the baby back. I would suggest doing that. Also look into open adoption, my sister gave up her 2 girls and both were open and she still gets to see them from time to time. Do what you feel is best for you and your baby, if you truly feel like adoption is the best, then go for it, there are a lot of people who would love a baby and can't have one of their own. If fact we are looking at adopted two girls in a few years cause we have two boys that are 16 months apart and my body can't take anymore.

Britni - posted on 07/30/2009

I was 16 when I got pregnant with my first son. And 17 when I had him. I know how hard it is when your baby's father isnt around. He has never seen my son to this day and he is going to be 3 in Sept. He left me when I was 8 wks pregnant. And I did get on assistance... Its not a bad thing. Its there to help single mom's till they get on there feet. And thats what some of peoples taxes go for. For some moms they can do it. But I couldnt I never even thought about adoption or abortion. It just wasnt the right thing for me. But also when you become a Mom it is the best thing in the whole world. I love it and I have 2 boys now... Hopeing in a couple years ill have a girl with my Husband. My son's father owes me a lot of child support and I havent seen a dime of it. But its your decision adoption is very hard my aunt just adopted a baby and even her being the adoptive mom it was hard, and very emotional. I wish the best of luck for you... and I hope you make the best decision for you... If you dont have the support you need... look to friends... and there are support groups.

Caitelyn - posted on 07/30/2009

Have you heard about the pregnancy blues or ante-natal depression? talk to your doctor or counsellor about it, it is actually a medical condition, similar to that of Post-natal depression. It could be that you're suffering from that.



PROS: Having that little person's love, being a role model. that first moment you hold your baby, its the best in the world. even though i felt similar to you at times, i still would never regret my descision.



And also, use the child support agency to find their father. they are very experienced at it, and will help the best way possibel

Naomi - posted on 07/27/2009

When deciding on what to do with your baby it's not going to matter how old you are at all. You just need to think about whats best for you and your baby, I am 18 years old, I haven't graduated high school yet, but I am working on it, I go back to school at the end of august plus I work and I find its really hard because i'm also a single mom, but I decided to keep my son because I knew I could give him a great life and I can give more love than anyone else in the world can, but thats just me. If you dont feel your ready to be a mom then put your baby up for adoption, do whats best for you and baby, not what other people want you to do or tell you to do. Just think about it everyday about what you can and cannot give to that child and just make the decision that feels right.

Tori - posted on 07/26/2009

I was 18 when I had Alyssa, I'm only 19 now but I had everything going for me before I got pregnant, I got accepted to the college I wanted to go to and everything. It was all planned and ready to go but I got pregnant and I adoption was never an option for me. But it is a good plan. I was adopted when I was just a baby and honestly when I hit 13 and 14 it was really hard to deal with, it was hard for me to understand why the person who was supposed to love me the most just gave me away. But now that I am older I do understand that she gave me up for adoption because she loved me. If you're going to give the baby up for adoption and are serious about it, I would recommend that you do it when the child is a baby and don't see or hold the baby. I had a friend who wanted to give the child up because she was 16, but then held her after the baby was born and then she couldn't bring herself to part with the baby. If it's something your really considering then thats great. But having a baby is a joy and a blessing to me. Yes finishing school is something I need to do and I will do it. I just have to put things on hold for a little while. But I'm proud that this is the choice your making you could have had an abortion but you did, and I think thats great. I have a great life with the family that adopted me, but I'm sure my mom thinks about it often and there is no way it was easy for her to give me up. It was love and it was selfless.

Jade - posted on 07/22/2009

you sound like you made up your mind hun, and hun you need to finish school.

Tessa - posted on 07/21/2009

Sweetie, just remember that you can put your child up for adoption any time before they turn 18, but once theyre gone theyre gone. I suggest you wait untill bubs is a few months old, if you still dont want bubby, then put them up for adoption.

Krystal - posted on 07/21/2009

There are woman out there who can never have children of their own an await for someone to full fill an undying wish of being a mother. Adoption is a wonderrful thing! My boyfriend was adopted and he is happy that his biological mother made sure he would grow up happy and well taken care of. He still talks with his real mother and they have a close bond still. The down fall is she still has a little guilt about giving him to someone else.



you need to do what you feel is right. No matter what anyone else says. I was 21 when i found out I was pregnant, When the test showed positive i balled my eyes out to my best friend. You can still finish school! A baby does not hold you back from doing the things you love. It took me a while to realize that.



I was a party animal. I lived where ever, slept when ever. I never even thought about children. I hated kids! I had my son and when I saw him, it was weird, something happened inside of me that made me love him. But I had my moments after that. I had nights where I didnt want him and i was jealous of all the attention he would get. He was colic, I had no idea what I as doing, but somehow some of it came naturally.



My post-partum had me all crazy, i would hate myself for having the baby, I wanted to get out and be with my friends, my boyfriend was fed up with me being such an asshole all the time, he left.



Here my son is 1 and now I'm getting used to the whole mom thing. I stare at him all the time and think about what it would be like without him and honestly I cant. I cant even think about life without him, because no matter what He is always around for me, he loves me and he gives me all the attention i need, even when no one else will, hehe. its is so fun watching him learn new things and dressin him up all the time, braggin to my friends.



You can still finish school, its going to be hard, but this is your time to shine! Years from now that baby will be a man and he will grow up seeing how much of a strong mother he has. I never had a job and I never went to school,but having my son made me work for everything i needed, everything he needed. I got help from friends family and i stopped letting people walk all over me. I became my own person and now I finished school and i'm a fulltime hairstylist.



I dont want to be on welfare either, but dont feel like your to good for the help that is provided for you! There are state programs that dont involve recieving welfare checks, you can recieve WIC checks for milk breads cereal and cheeses, I didnt breast feed, so i got WIC checks for formula. I did all of this until i got on my feet. Dont get yourself down!!!



Go out somewhere alone, listen to some music, think about yourself and the baby. Its a hard road, but its worth it. Its scary and even today i find myself second guessing, but he gets me out of it.



You dont need to drag anyone to court, You sign the papers and he gets them, he dont show up, all his money goes to you. If your not sure who the father is, wait it out, get the tests done if you need too and go from there. If he cant man up and take responsibility screw him! You'll find a man who is better for you.

Meagan - posted on 07/21/2009

WAiiT TiiLL YA BABY iiSZ BORN AN SEE HOW U REACT DEN U NEVA KNOE U MiiGHT LOOK AT YA CHiiLDSZ FACE AN FALL COMPLETELY iiN LUHV. TRUST ME ONCE U SEE YA BABY U'LL PROLLY CHANGE YA MiiND. SEEiiN YA BABY AN HOLDiiN DEM iiSZ DA BEST FEELiiNG U COULD EVA EXPERiiENCE :)

Jamie - posted on 07/20/2009

first of all i am 17 and have a 2 year old i work and go to school so i dont think you have to quit. and i think you have a depression lots of moms get i think you should tell your doctor how you are feeling. i know you probably dont want to but it might help if you do.

Veronica - posted on 07/18/2009

Shantanna, just pray about it and allow God to guide you. And trust me, I know that it is easier said than done, but try it...



My personal opinion would be that there is nothing that you can't accomplish with your child that you would accomplish without your child. It may just take you a little longer to reach your desired goals...



But if you feel strongly that this may not be the right time for you to be responsible for a child, then please seek counseling from a reputable adoption agency to assist with placing your little blessing into a loving home.



Many blessings to you, sweetheart.

Lyndsay - posted on 07/18/2009

If you don't think you should keep the baby, then don't. Giving him/her up for adoption does not make you a bad person. Rather, if you are delivering the child into a loving and caring environment when you couldn't provide one yourself, you are doing him/her a big favour. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do, or pressure you into keeping your child if you don't want to. You are the only one who can make that decision, because it is the rest of your life you're talking about and the life of an innocent child. One of my BIGGEST peeves in life is people who have children that shouldn't have children -- if you don't want him, give him to someone who does!

Elisha - posted on 07/17/2009

shantanna,

i dnt tink u should give ur bby up im nt goin 2 lie it is hard work bein a mum i was 14 wen i had mi lil boi iv tryd me best with him and he has never gone wid out thats all i could do it does take ya life away bt at the same time its amazin watchin im grow up

Pamela - posted on 07/15/2009

I would ask God to help you make that decision.



Listen to your heart.



Please remember that there are many woman who would love to adopt your baby and give your baby a loving home.



May God bless and protect you and your baby -

Lisa - posted on 07/14/2009

I think if you are considering adoption, then maybe you should talk to an adoption agency. You have to make sure you are comfortable with your decision.

Have you considered open adoption or closed adoption?

ZIERAH - posted on 07/14/2009

I was 15 when i had my first child. In the beginning i felt the same way you did, i was so sick of the emotions and the sickness i wanted to jus give up, but after i went through the labor and saw the beautiful little human being that i carried for nine whole months, all of it was worth it.

Claire - posted on 07/14/2009

I was thinking about placing my daughter and I changed my mind a few months before I gave birth.
It's something you'll regret for the rest of your life, and don't believe anything anyone says about bonding, I didn't bond with my daughter until she was about 3 months. It's different for everyone. It's hard, it's really really hard but things are working out for me, I'm living back with my Mum so she's helping me financially while I finish school via correspondence.
I also have lots of issues with my daughters Dad.
He lives in a different country seeing as I moved when I found out I was pregnant, and I'm only planning on taking him to court if he really starts making problems for us.

Heather - posted on 07/14/2009

Im 20 years old had a baby in December, work 2 jobs, and am a full time student at a university. You can do it. I felt sadness too and didnt feel any real connection with the baby while I was pregnant. In fact it took me about a month after the baby was born to feel like I was a mother. But I couldnt imagine giving him up for adoption. Not knowing what he would look like, or not knowing his personality, and knowing my flesh and blood was out there was too much for me to handle. My son is my world now and I do everything I do because of him. You CAN do it.

Gesanie - posted on 07/14/2009

I was seventeen when I had my first kid. The sadness and anger you are feeling I felt too. Through my pregnancy I thought about abortion and adoption and at the end I decided to keep my baby. The thought of not knowing what they would be like, where or if they were okay killed me more then the thought of keeping him. I still graduated high school and went to college. If you have a family willing to help you out take it. My mom watched my son while I went to night school to get my diploma (not ged). You can do anything you want to. Don't think of your child as a reason to hold you back think of them as your biggest reason to succeed. I had to be on welfare for a while to help me get a good job, got to college, food, and a home. Just cause you go on welfare doesnt mean you have to be on it for the rest of your life. It's hard to have someone depend on you but when you hear your baby say mommy, and want you, and love you the way they do is great. I had to drag my babies daddy to court and it wasnt that bad of a hassle, especially if your on welfare the state seems to go after them quicker. If I were you though and you did go to court have them take child support out of his pay check and deposit to your account(that's what I did). Keeping the baby may not be the right thing for you it was for me. But there is always an open adoption that you can consider too where the adoptive parents let you be part of the babies life still you just dont have the responsibilities that come with the baby. That would be nice and at least you can still see your baby and you dont have to wonder what if. Hope I was helpful.

Shantanna - posted on 07/14/2009

im 22

Veronica - posted on 07/13/2009

Shantanna, how old are you if you don't mind me asking?



I've not been a teenage mom, but I was the child of a teenage mom. I don't think that adoption is a bad option if you really feel that this is not something that you can handle at this time in your life. But you want to make sure you count the cost of it all before making your decision final.



I'm sure others are very concerned about you but may have a hard time showing it at this point. Most people tend to show a general interest in the baby because the baby is helpless at this stage.



Keeping the baby if you so desire is not a bad option either if you are willing to put in the work that it will take to excel in not only being a mom but completing your education, so forth and so on. Just because you are with child does not mean that you can not be a success. But you will need to determine what it is that you really want and proceed accordingly.



And by the way, there is nothing wrong with being on welfare in order to get you to a higher level in life. The key is not to get stuck on welfare as it is a system that is designed to be a temporary solution to what some consider a hopeless situation.



You are a very beautiful young lady and you obviously have courage because you have reached out for advice on one of the most important decisions that you will ever make in life. I would like to encourage you to be strong and know that you are definitely not alone. Embrace yourself and know that God loves you!