Trouble with baby's dad!

Danica - posted on 03/30/2010 ( 28 moms have responded )

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I got pregnant when I was 17 and had my baby girl when I was 18. My babies dad had left me when I was about 6 months pregnant, sense then he was in and out of our lives. After I had her we got back together for about a month and now we're not together and havent been getting along. I had found a new boyfriend and moved in with him but we recently split up and now I'm living with my parents. I work about 35 hours a week and I'm a full time student. I have a very busy life and my parents seem to be the main babysitters for me. Well my babies dad recently got a girlfriend who is 17 and he is 20. I'm not okay with him taking her around my baby. So the times he may want her (less than once a week) he always asks if he can have his g.f over too. When I say no he gets mad and tells me that I'm the reason he don't see his daughter and that I just need to get over the fact he has a girlfriend and let her around my baby. I spend every penny on my baby and all my time and effort is for her. He gives me about 30 dollars a month and sees her about 4 days a month. Doesn't call to ask about her or ask to see her. When the holidays come around what am I supposed to say when he asks for her. Or on her first birthday which is in two months. Am I the bad parent for not wanting another girl like that around my baby? I realize I would eventually need to get over it but he doesn't help me with our daughter.

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Jennifer - posted on 04/03/2010

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First your not wrong at all for not wanting his girlfriend around, girlfriends and boyfriends should not be introduced to the children until it is something serious, this is something i am and have been going through since recently seperating from my sons father. Just make sure that what you dont want him to do is something your not turnin around and doing, if you dont want your daughter getting attached to someone in her fathers life who is not permanent then you need to make sure you are being fair to your daughter and not puttin her in that position yourself by introducing her to a new boyfriend should one come along. As long as you put your daughter first above you or you ex then your daughter will have a long and happy life regardless of the type of person her father winds up being when and if he ever grows up. I do recommend taking him to court for actual child support because your daughter is worth more then thirty dollars a week, if you dont need it put it away for when your daughter gets older. If you do take him to court it will help sort out some of the issues you are having with him as well and if he doesnt like something you are doing or wants to get angry with you at least you will have the law on your side and you can bring him back before the judge and explain what it is that he is doing or not doing and it might even help sort out your differences and make you both the best parents you can be for your little girl.

As far as his mother is concerned call her and talk to her, if she really cares for her granddaughter as much as she makes it out to seem then she will understand why it is that you are doing what you are doing. Any mother who truly has a heart can understand the love for a child and not wanting to put her in harms way, if she does not understand then she really doesnt care as much about her granddaughter as she is trying to make you believe.

I hope this helped some and if you ever have any more questions let me know

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28 Comments

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Bernadette - posted on 01/19/2013

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I am in that situation right now. He wanted to have my daughter spend the night with his gf. I said no, and he knows i dont allow that. Now he is telling me that im unreasonable and that i have to be realistic and deal with it and that i am just jealous. So it hurts and sucks to be in this situation. To tell u the truth i dont have any idea what to do to handle this.....and i never want to meet the girl because i dont want to.

Ruth - posted on 08/16/2012

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I would say to get a custody agreement through the court system that way it is secure, also put him on child support since you are doing all the hard work. I also got pregnant at 17 and had my baby girl at 18 and went through the same thing. His girlfriend well if you two are not together there is always going to be another girl there, theres nothing you can do about that. i as well had to deal with the same thing and you feel violated and you want to protect your daughter from whatever harm you can. to make things more better i would meet her and talk to her and just let her know how you feel. but trust me the quicker you can get over focusing on what girl is there or not the better off you will be. trust me! God will bless you with a man that will be a good male figure to your daughter. you have to keep in mind that boys these days and i say boy because he technically in his pee brain is a little boy take a long long time to grow up. it took my daughters father till she was 4 years old and he was getting married to finally see her. the more you try and distance yourself from all that negitivity and focus on you and baby you will be alot happier. I know its extremely hard because alot of feelings and emotions are involved but huni you will come out stronger and a winner, and remember the girl is only 17 she still has alot to learn and grow as well. you grew up faster because you have a baby so enjoy her and every moment you can. cus when they get about 6 your going to wonder where the time went.

Danica - posted on 04/08/2010

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Well we both know it's his I haven't been with anyone else and it was planned!! =X But he is not denying paternity. I've filed for child support over 3 months ago and I'm STILL waiting to hear back..

Jennifer - posted on 04/07/2010

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just because his name isnt on her birth certificate doeesnt mean anything if she is biologically his, take him to court and have a dna test done and make him pay child support

Danica - posted on 04/07/2010

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He doesn't have any rights to her. He didn't sign any papers saying it was his kid.

Adora - posted on 04/06/2010

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U have a right to say who can and can not go around your baby. Period. He might b the dad but if he puts his gf before his child then hes not a "dad" hes just a sperm donner. He sounds like a dad that would sign his rights over, if he is then u should let him (i know from experience), if he signs over his rights he still has to pay child support but u dont have to let him see his child. Your baby girl deserves a right to have a full time dad, if he shapes up he can always adopt his daughter back, or if you find someone new who accepts you and your baby girl for who yall are then they can adopt your child. But i know from experience what all that is like,, I also know that U dont know how his gf might react to his daughter, alot of gfs get jealous of there bfs child and of you and you dont know what she might do to your baby when he goes to the potty or if he leaves your baby girl with her. So you have every right to tell him no shes not allowed around your child you have sole custody by law bc your baby has been with you every day since she has been born, he has no say weather or not he says he does.

Kira - posted on 04/06/2010

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Hun its about you and your baby. If you dont feel comfy about having a stranger around your baby then its up to you if you let the father have your daughter. He has no grounds to have a go at you etc. Lay down the law to him. Also maybe you should meet his girlfriend. Neutral territory maybe at a coffee shop? Get to know her and if you still do not like her or are uncomfy then its up to you! Also explain to his girlfriend how you feel and tell her she would feel the same if she was a mother. If your ex starts to contradict ehat you say warn him to stay civil or you will leave.

Desere - posted on 04/06/2010

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if shes not someone who should be around a baby then by no means are you a bad mom, not at all

Keelani - posted on 04/05/2010

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He has every right to see your baby, but he shouldn't bring in another woman. She might not be a nice person and it may be confusing for your daughter. I don't think you're a bad parent. I would be doing the same.

Georgina - posted on 04/05/2010

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hun sounds kinda similar to mine except for the girlfriend. im buying everyting for my lil one sure at xmas i bought all her presents and he bought her one thing which is now broken. i agree with you not wanting his g.f around. she is basically a stranger to your child and you dont know her. id wait and see if it lasts because i wouldnt consider it safe for the baby to be around a stranger x

Ellie - posted on 04/04/2010

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you ex needs to bond with the baby, there should not be another woman around to do that.. its called quality time together!! 4 days a month is not enough to start with and he should start paying for her

Melinda - posted on 04/04/2010

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i dont understand what the big deal is, you dont want the girl around because shes 17? or just because its a stranger? You moved in with some guy and now you're not together, but im guessing you had your daughter around him, so....i dont get it. I'm sure nobody checked to see if your daughters father was comfortable with you MOVING his daughter into some guys house.It sounds to me like he may really likes this girl (17 and 20 isnt a big difference) and the main reason he only sees her 4 days a month is because he want to see his daughter and have his girlfriend become directly comfortable witht he fact he has a kid, just like im sure your previous boyfriend had to do before he could decide he wanted to be serious. I understand where your coming from but just because he doesnt give you money doesnt mean he shouldnt be able to see his daughter, you decided to have his baby and i think maybe you should try to look at this from his view. Like i said i dont know, but i'd just like to reiterate that maybe he just wants his gf to see if she's comfortable with dating a dad. A lot of people, especially 17 year old people arent ready for dating parents, and she needs to see firsthand before they can go any further. Try to be selfless in the decisions you make for your daughter. Dont let him and his gf take her anywhere, but if its in your home or even at his house but with your direct supervision i dont see the harm. I REALLY hope you dont take offense to anything i've said, but i have a big soft spot for dads going through the baby mama drama

Christina - posted on 04/03/2010

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I know its not easy Im going through the same thing but you have to think about what best for your daughter and its his loss if he doesnt want to spend time with her. My ex doesnt even help me and he see his daughter once every two weeks, being a single mom is hard but your daughter will love you just that much more because you gave her a better life then he ever could. My ex dates very trashy women and it drives me up the walls when he ask to he if he even asks. Just remember that you are that much strong and that mush more mature if you tell him that you will let her around your daughter but in a public place, it may not be what you want to do but all you can do is try. She will know that you did try and thats all you can do. Just be there for her if he doesn't want her then thats his loss.

Shaudenik - posted on 04/03/2010

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NO!! ur not a bad parent for that, cause my baby daddy is in the same department, he spends a bit more money on her, but he has many times said "oh i can come over to ur house but u may not like who drives me"... He offen puts work (sellin drugs) b4 her n a bunch of other things

Christa - posted on 04/03/2010

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No! You're definately not being a bad parent for being a protective mother. I personally would never trust some girl I don't know around my baby, and I don't think he should expect you to. If he does, and if he says those things to you he needs to grow up and quit making excuses for his own bad parenting. Sorry if that sounds harsh and blunt, but I think its pretty ridiculous that he assumes you would let him bring this chick over in the first place.

[deleted account]

Definitely see a lawyer and get some sort of agreement in place. I would probably go with a once a fortnight supervised visit where he can't bring his girlfriend. I would also put in place how much child support he should have to pay. It is an expensive progress but you can get legal aide to help you. I know one day I will have trouble with my son. I met my partner when i was 12 weeks pregnant and he signed the birth certificate and wanted to be a father to the child I was pregnant with despite not being bio at all. My son's real father took off the moment he found I was pregnant and doesn't want to know anything about him, which suits me just fine but it does break my heart that one day my partner and I will have to tell him why the man he's called his father isn't really his father. Just remember this: "Any dick can make a baby but it takes a real man to be a daddy"

Amber - posted on 04/03/2010

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i think that you shouldnt worry about him getting mad about you not letting him see her with his girlfriend over because you have probably never meet the girl to begin with and you dont know how she is going to act with YOUR child!! i think you should only allow him to have her when she is not there i had almost the same problem only my daughters father acts like he doesnt want anything to do with his daughter he never asks for her his girlfriend always does it seems like i have a better relationship with his girlfriend than i do my daughters father!! but yeah men are typically ass holes, my daughters father ows me over a grand in child support and he normally only pays me once every three months after they throw his ass in jail for not paying. but anyways i think you should just keep telling him that he cant have her if his girlfriend is going to be there because you never know what she will do to your child!

[deleted account]

I think youre right not to want his girlfriend there, at least until you know theyre serious! Its not fair on your little girl to have someone brought into her life only for them to leave again! Your daughter and her dad need to get to know each other and bond before anyone else comes in to the picture. You sound like an amazing mum! Youre not the reason he doesnt see her, he is! He just needs to learn to take responsibility and learn to be a good dad! xxx

Rebekah - posted on 04/02/2010

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if he isn't married to this girl and she isn't permanent then i don't see why you should let your daughter around her. you're her main provider, so he can deal with it.

[deleted account]

I would talk to her about it, and explain why you are uncomfortable with his g/f and also that he is not helping you support your baby. Thirty dollars is NOT support. That doesn't even buy one pack of diapers here!

Danica - posted on 04/01/2010

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Thank you to all the mums who replied! Another issue that I have is he lives with his parents. His mother tries and acts like she cares more than he does. I dont want to keep my baby away from anywho who puts forth the effort. He is a only child so I can only imagine how she feels to have a first grandbaby. So if he doesn't show that he cares and I want to let her see the baby and not him what am I supposed to do.

[deleted account]

First of all he needs to be putting forth more of an effort to help pay for your baby, ask him for more money (child support) and if he doesn't give it then there is no reason for him to see her. If he tries to take you to court you asked him for child support and if he doesn't give it then he is the one that is going to get in trouble. Also, if you guys cannot get along then it is not healthy for your baby anyways. When she gets older it will always be him trying to be the good parent and spoiling her which will not turn out pretty. She could get into all kinds of trouble with that. There is no reason that he needs his girlfriend around your alls baby. When he gets really serious with her (like they are engaged or married or something) then it would be okay to introduce, but otherwise he is going to go through girl after girl and your poor daughter will be very confused and think that is how guys treat girls when she gets older. Children learn very much by example and every habit and opinion can be traced back to how their parents acted or treated them when they were little. Good luck!

Bri - posted on 04/01/2010

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i think that your baby girl should be the most important thing in both of your lives not just yours.. he needs to grow up and understand that he has a responsibility now. A 17 year old girlfriend does not need to be with him when he visits the baby and if he gets mad and says its your fault that completely wrong. all he is doing is trying to make you feel guilty for what he's doing. if he really wanted to come see her he would respect you and leave the girlfriend out of it. you are NOT a bad parent at all, you are simply just doing the best thing you can for her. Until he shows you respect you don't need to give in to him... he'll make the right decision when he's ready. it has to be his choice. guys won't change for anyone, sadly not even for their children, it has to be what he wants...

Keisha - posted on 03/31/2010

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I dont think that you should have to let your daughters father see her with his new girl friend around. If he wants to see her he should have enough respect to do it when they can spend some actual quality time together.

Kerri - posted on 03/31/2010

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i think that your ex needs to bond properly with your daughter first. If he was any kind of father he'd know that! Sure, if his gf lasts for like 6 months or whatever, then maybe he can introduce her to your baby girl. As a woman, she should understand that your daughter needs to come first, and surely she can't want to be with someone that would rather put his gf before his daughter. Sod him! It mite hurt, but maybe u shud c a lawyer or summat, just to get things sorted, and get your back covered?!? I have no idea lol

Just know i'm here!

xXx

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