What do i do???

Melanie - posted on 12/02/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My husband and i seperated 2 months ago because he told me he had been having an affair with his ex for 3 months. Our son died on Nov 10th from complications of Leukemia and on Nov 27th i gave birth to twin boys Elliot and Adam. We also have a 3yr old daughter Hannah. For the last 2 months since he moved out he has been living with his ex. Now that the twins are here he has been here every day all day to help out as much as he can. I appreciate it but now he has it in his head that we should get back together and be a family. I still love him very much but i do not trust him. He was willing to leave his pregnant wife and kids for his ex. How do i know it will not happen again. I do not trust him anymore but he is the father of my kids. Part of me feels like i should try and make it work but he is still living with his ex and goes home to her every night. He says he is willing to change, will do marriage counselling again and be a proper father to the kids and husband to me. He told me he would never cheat again if we got back together and woudl cut off all contact with his ex as well. Do you think people who cheat can change or will they just cheat again? Also do you think it is a good idea to get back together just for the kids sake even if it is not what you might want in the long run? I want some good advice because right now i am not sure if it is my hormones or whatever but i feel like it is hopeless to even try again.

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Nikkole - posted on 12/02/2010

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I would let him move back in and help and SLOWLY work things out and try again i wouldn't jump right into a relationship with him again and i would also try marriage counseling it may help! I also wouldn't let your guard down for a while because you dont want to get hurt again some men can change if THEY want to! Im soo sorry for about your son i couldn't imagine loosing a child my grandmother lost her son he was 43 due to a disease and it almost killed her! On another note congrats on your twins! Good luck to you and i will keep you in my prayers :)

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Britney - posted on 12/05/2010

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I have always believed if they do it once they will do it again. That may not be true in all cases and what I would do may not be the best thing for you to do. Trust is something that he needs to understand would take a long time to gain back. If you do try to make it work you should not do it for the kids. They will not be better off if the two of you are together and unhappy. Do what is best for them first.

Jessie - posted on 12/05/2010

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he might have realised he was wrong to leave you. sometimes people make mistakes. if you love him forgive him, i wish my partner would forgive me :(

Erin - posted on 12/05/2010

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my parents got married because my mom got pregnant when she was 20 and it ended in divorse after 4 kids. They were both not happy in the relationship but now that they separated they are really good friends. just know that if your not happy, then your kids wont be happy.

Rachel - posted on 12/05/2010

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i think you should so what is best for your family and for you. i know its hard with twins i had twin boys as well. but if he truly wants to do things right by you and your children and get back together then he should prove it. hes kind of hyprocritical when he goes home to her. see if he has any friends he can stay with if you're still not comfortable with him living there and see if he still does everything he has been. i know its lots but you need to focus on your babies and your daughter and grieve for your son, you have lots on your plate have him work for it and if he really does want it, and its something you figure out that you want, itll happen..... in time

Christina - posted on 12/04/2010

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I actually disagree with some of the girls here. With your son sick, he might have left because he couldn't handle it emotionally. What he did was flat out wrong! Losing a child is very difficult, and people deal with it differently. Some have affairs because they are so outraged that they can't fix their child or help their spouse and are disgusted with themselves, and want their partner to be just as disgusted with them.
Do I think you should jump back into a relationship with him? No. Do I think you should be open to the idea of letting him prove to you he has changed? Yes. I'm so sorry for your loss, and congrats on the twins. I has to be bitter sweet.

Patrice - posted on 12/04/2010

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i agree with Emma.......and also how does he want to work it out if he is still going home to her every night? maybe i read it wrong, but to me that says he isnt there for u 100% and still wants to be with her, i hope u come to a decision for urself and ur kids, good luck :)...and im deeply sorry about the passing of ur son, im sure that is still very hard on u :(

Stifler's - posted on 12/04/2010

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Mmm. Your child died and you gave birth to twins and he left you? Tell him he can forget it! There's no way I'd forgive him for that if I was in your shoes.

Olivia - posted on 12/03/2010

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To answer your questions I think people can change. I don't really believe in the saying once a cheater always a cheater because every person is different! I think it should be what YOU want it is about the kids but you don't want to end up regretting it especially if you already felt like it wouldn't work out. I honestly think you should do whats best for you and your children! You will get through this in time keep your head!!

Amanda - posted on 12/02/2010

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You are going through a lot of things right now. And they are the reason your horomones are so whacky on top of just giving birth. I do believe people can change but I don't think they can do so unless they want to. I think the real concern here is that he had no problem leaving you pregnant and now wants to come back since the babies are here, but who's to say he's not going to leave again when he gets tired of it or whatever his reasons were the first time. The boys don't need that and neither does your daughter. He can still be a father for his children. You 2 don't need to be together for that to happen. Just take a few moments to yourself everyday, and breath. His help is nice I'm sure but if you can't fully trust him than do you really want to go through this again? Hang in there sweetie and keep your head up. You can get all the advice in the world on this but only YOU can make the deciding decision. And your heart will know the right choice.

Tabitha - posted on 12/02/2010

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My only advice on this one would be to wait and give yourself ample time to think about your decision.The best thing you can do is to follow your instincts. And to me it sounds like you have all the facts in hand to do so. Read and reread this post and then ask yourself one question. The question is not if you should try to work it out, the question is Why would you?

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