why does everyone judge me because im a teen mom??

Amber - posted on 11/20/2011 ( 77 moms have responded )

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it seems like everyone i meet judges me because im a teen mother. people i have never even met judge me, i was pushing my daughter down the street in a stroller and so many people stared at me like i was an anti-christ. i dont understand what makes me different than any other mother...

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Tracy - posted on 11/26/2012

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I was a teen mom myself. Now I am all old and stuff! (I am 33...) Let me offer one perspective that maybe I didn't consider when I was younger and people would look either more or longer than I thought they should. I realize now, as I am older, I sometimes DO look at teen moms extra long or whatnot. I just want to go talk to them. I want to let them know that no matter what, if they are strong and determined, life can be good. I want to tell them that they need to ignore all those jerks out there who speak their minds and gawk negatively just to try to shame you or bring you down. I want to tell a teen mom that although their path is going to be hard, it will all be worth it if you just make sure you put your kids' needs first. I want to say that your life isn't over no matter how much people want you to believe it.



So ...instead of all of this... I stare and think of all the hurdles AND joys/successes they will have but keep quiet to myself as I reflect on my own life and experiences. Sometimes I just wanna go give you a hug because I KNOW you need it - maybe not that day but you can put it in your bank and pull it out when the next jerk comes along.



So I stare as I get lost in thought and nostalgia... I try to offer a smile, and I hope it doesn't seem false or even odd/creepy because it's not just a smile to you when I do it. It's the smile that I often didn't get myself when I was young. It's for both you AND for myself. A smile to know that I've made it even through the rough times and that you will too if you are just willing to hang in there for the love and not for the fight of it all. :)



So.... for all the stares I've given... Let me offer here and now a hug to go with each one....

Vanessa - posted on 11/18/2012

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If you are worried it may just be because you care and strive to be the best mom you can be so it hurts you if you feel like someone is judging you, because you may feel like hey I'm doing my best, you don't even know me so don't judge, just don't let it get to you, if you're being a great mom, then all you can do is all you can do, right? :)

Rose - posted on 05/15/2012

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I must admit I've found it really hard, I become a mum at 16 and I've had so many negative comments, you've got to take the good with the bad, vice versa.
I know its horrible and can get you down but all in all, we have to face facts, SOME teenage mothers are crap? I know we see it from a different view but I think people judge too quickly. I know I'm a good Mummy, and I've proved that. Others though, are terrible, or do things that make us get branded. Just be proud and don't let anyone get you down. xxx

Sarah - posted on 05/09/2012

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I look at teen moms and i feel bad for them, not bad because they have child, just bad in fact they miss out on having the carefree times. Like being able to get drunk when they are old enough (you cant get drunk and care for a child). Or missing out on prom, university. And if you do go to uni, out to clubs ect, then you have to worry about baby sitters and if your baby is safe... there is so much worry that I feel a teen should not have to go through. Also shows like 'teen mom' do not paint a good picture of teen moms. But then again if it showed awesome teen moms (as some are) people wouldn't watch it

Sonia - posted on 04/23/2012

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-That is so true...Everywhere I go people seem to look at me with my baby like if I had a disease or something.

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Jaquie - posted on 11/02/2013

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People need to grow the hell up! I feel those looks and states all the time! Especially because I have a baby in my arms and no ring on my finger! Let them give their looks girl! One day karma will be a bitch and slap them in the face. Your a teen who kept your baby instead of being a teen and getting rid if it. Just keep walking with confidence

Danielarubio - posted on 11/29/2012

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girl dont lisen to them they think we are not responsible enough just because we got pregnant at a very young age yea we made the mistake of not using protection but we made the wonderful decision to keep it and not to have an abortion like alot of older women yea we are still teenagers it will be hard because we stiill dont know our future that good but no onw is perfect keep your head up

Ells - posted on 11/28/2012

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i want you all to know that i graduated from college before i had my child and he is 4 now and i still get to go out when he goes to sleep (6.30) as i am lucky as i live with my mom. I love taking him to school, i love doing stuff with him, i want him with me everytime and i miss him whilst im at work. my so was a choice not an accident and i would have him again 10000 times. hes perfect, honestly the best thing of my life.

thanks everyone for all your comments, advice and support.

xxx

Ells - posted on 11/28/2012

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Keli when I meant everyone I should have specified "most people i know or meet"

Sally - posted on 11/27/2012

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It's not you personally. It's the concept of teen moms in general. Statistically it's the fastest way to screw up yourself and your kid for life. Also, society was told it would stop happening if we stopped teaching kids to keep their pants on and bought them birth control instead. We were lied to and we want our money back.

Marissa - posted on 11/16/2012

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i look like a teen mom and alot of people give me those same looks. im 24 and i have 3 kids. had my first at 20, unfortunately im all of 5 feet tall and look like of my my 14 yr old cousins friends from school. lol. Dont worry about the looks. If someone looks at you just smile and say hi. If you react then it just fuels the stigma. ur a mom and if ur doin everything the best you can who cares what anyone else thinks. Dont give them a dirty look back, dont argue with them. Be confident in yourself as a person and a mother. if you show confidence ud be suprised at how alot of those looks you get will stop happening.

Tara - posted on 11/15/2012

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You're judged because you aren't even old enough to take care of yourself yet you've gone off and had a child you clearly can't afford which means someone else has to pick up the slack. In the majority of teen mom cases, teen and child live with the teens parents (who support them) or the teen qualifies for welfare (supported by tax payers). Why should others have to pay for your bad choices?

Sophia Marie - posted on 11/10/2012

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stay in school .. and dont worry about people around you. stay in school.

Patricia - posted on 09/08/2012

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nothing i was 17 when i had my first child now i am judged because i have 10 kids

Angelina - posted on 09/07/2012

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i was pushing my todeler in a baby swing and a woman came up to me and said is that your child in a nasty voice i said yes and she ran over and told somthing to her husband sickening

Cyndel - posted on 05/11/2012

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I was married and then pregnant within only a few months of turning 19. I had family who was very supportive and family who told me I was stupid getting pregnant so quick, that our marriage wouldn't last 5 years and i would just end up a single mom with all the struggles and difficulty figuring out the divorce with children, and fighting to get even a little bit of money for support.
We have been married for nearly 6 years and are going strong.

Anyway, I've been around a few teen moms and have seen the looks they get, I got a few myself, esp when they saw my wedding ring. How dare I marry and get pregnant before going to collage and getting myself a career so I have a good job 'when' my husband eventually leaves me. They always asked 'The pregnancy was an accident right?' Um no, we wanted to start a family, we were financially stable, hubby had an amazing job, why not start a family?
Now I am nearly 25, we have an almost 5 year old, and a 1 year old (as of tomorrow). Marrying and having a family so young and so fast was perfect for us.

Monta - posted on 05/10/2012

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The differance is that they dont undesratnd! You see if you would be 40 pushing the buggy would be no big deal but now as you are so young they just dono how to react!
Im 19 and im often puching a double buggy true the town.. You have no idea how many people looks at me lik WDF! Even mothers (older ones)
At these times i just think! Yes you might be older and you might have a better education and work, but when our kids are going to be in the same school and we will go to parent teacher meeting ill look better than you!! :D
Its kinda cheaky to think that i know! BUT BELIEVE ME IT HELPS! And makes you rise your head up high and smile at them when they give you such a look!
Goodluck!

Patricia - posted on 05/02/2012

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i had the same a long time ago now just ignore them and be the best mom you can be and that is what is important

Alyson - posted on 05/01/2012

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Some People just cant handle it. I had my son when i was 18 i am now 20 almost 21 and am still judged. I definately notice getting treated differnently at my son's daycare by both other parents and staff at the daycare (this one is alot better than the last) i have also had incidents when i took my son to the park with my sons father/my bf and had highschooler make obsurd comments while walking past me. It is just something you get used to, no its not right especially since my son is my life and i am a good mom but the people who are judging dont consider that.

Delmarie - posted on 04/29/2012

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Hi I know how you must feel, I go trough the same thing all the time. But mine is not just because I am a young mother of two boys. I get the ugly stares for that and then there is the fact that my husband is 30 years older than me. He is 59, I am 29 my oldest is 9 years old we are married 9 years (I was married in hospital just before I gave birth to him). All you must do is concentrate on your little one, you are her mother not the other people! Do the best you can no matter what looks or comments you get. Good luck and keep your chin up. You are not alone.

Lauren - posted on 04/27/2012

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I know exactly what you mean. I went to my regular doctor's office for an ear infection(I think I get more than my son does, lol) and when they were going over what meds I am currently on, I told the doctor I was no longer on implanon. She shot me the dirtiest look and asked if I thought that was truly the right thing to do right now. It irritated me, and I am changing my doctor's office because of it. If she'd have taken the time to ask, she'd know that I will be married to my children's father in a month, though we already have our own home and support ourselves. We made a conscious decision to have another child because our son is two, and we'd like them somewhat close together. My mom uses same dr's office, and said when she mentioned that I was pregnant(to same person) the lady began bashing me like no other. HOW RUDE!

Jess - posted on 04/17/2012

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ignore the stares and judgments cause their are some teen moms that are better moms than a 25 year old mom, they dont know maybe their grandchildren or even their own children could turn out to be teen parents what they going to do then if it happens just turn their backs on them and stare at them, one reason they do it is the teen moms that cant look after their children give all us other teen moms or teen moms to be a bad name.

Mommalove - posted on 04/14/2012

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I totally understand where your coming from because i am a teen mom myself of a 4 month old. People judge me all the time but it does not get to me anymore because i still love my child no matter what, i feel like being a teen mom took bravery because i had to grow up very quick and i still have to. I get looked at weird to sometimes but there is not an age limit on when it comes to being a mom because it can happened to anyone all it takes is one time and you have to own up to what you did and not all teens that end up pregnant keep their babies so i think for all the teens who did are brave. It is not an easy thing to do because some of the babies that are made never ask to be made it just takes a brave person to say i am keeping it and i was one of those brave people and so are you and any other teen moms out there who kept their baby. People got to remember age does not make you ready for a baby because i know some people who are older than me and should have never had kids and also some young moms, my point is that teens should not be judge as long as their doing the right thing.

Kayla - posted on 04/13/2012

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Lol I had the same issues because I had my son at a young age but I was a young mother who worked third shift stayed home with him all day taught him to walk and talk and share and be the best little man he could be....i had to buy his bilateral hearing aids that he needed at just 2 yrs olds, took him to speech therapy three times a week until he started kindergarten, and also taught him everything he knows and he is now going to be 7 years old this June and he is a smart and happy and very healthy little man and treats woman with respect, shares with his his 2 yr old sister, and even does chores to help his mommy out. Age is nothing but a number and being a young mama just means you get to love your babies longer :) People who have babies and live off welfare and abuse their kids and crap like that are the reason why us good mamas get looked at like shit because they think that every young mother is going to be stupid.

Stephanie - posted on 01/16/2012

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u know what f what every one thinks my kid is well mannered smart and funny.. i know some people that had there kids at 25 and there spoiled brats with no manners and they get away with every thing.. i may have hit a cupel bumps on the road but my kid is taken car of and loved thats all that matters.

Sarah - posted on 01/16/2012

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Amber, I think mothers of all ages face discrimination. Whether it is a young mom like yourself, or one that is older. I've seen discrimination against mothers who are not married, divorced, overweight, underweight, recovering addicts, smokers, struggling with mental disorders, disposable diaper users vs cloth diaper users, breast feeders vs bottle feeders, people with one child vs people with many children. I think that the WORST offenders are other mothers themselves. We as women, and as mothers, need to ban together to stop the judgements and bullying of other mothers. We need to say, "No, I'm not going to judge another mother" because in reality, we don't walk in anyone else's shoes but our own. Something that is right for one mother may not be the best decision for another. I would encourage you, as a mother (young or not), to gain confidence in your abilities as a parent and stop worrying what other people think about you because the truth is is that the only person who it should matter to (your child) will love you no matter what decisions you make.

Krista - posted on 01/15/2012

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I am a teen mom - and now I am older so I have experience with this.



People dont judge teen mothers... they just just someone based by the way they act with the child. When you see a teen mom standing outside smoking with a baby in their arms, they are judging you. When you are in mcdonalds every night feeding that kid crap, they are judging you. BUT when you are in the library teaching your child how to read, they are NOT judging you.



Its all a matter of IF you grow up quick and be a parent and STOP being a teenager!

Maree - posted on 01/15/2012

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I'm 31 and married...i still get those looks. I look very young so you can imagine when i had my 1st child at 20,how young i looked and the stares i got. I didn't care in the slightest and you shouldn't worry either. Hold your head high and be proud !!!

Michelle - posted on 01/15/2012

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amber, people will always judge you for that. im 32, i had all 4 by the time is was 21. my sister had her son when she was 12. she finished med school, i won a transporation bussiness. DONOT let hypocritical jerks worry you. your daughter is your only concern. add me as a friend if you want sweety.

**Jackie** - posted on 01/13/2012

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OH PLEASE! I know 30 yr old mothers that suck! You do what is best for your baby and you love your daughter with everything you have! Who cares what other people think? I didnt have a baby until I was 23 but I am here if u need me :) stupid people. it's 2012! get over yourselves!

RoseAnne - posted on 01/12/2012

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@ Kelli- I agree. I don't judge teen moms for 2 reasons: 1. I was a teen mom. I got pregnant with my daughter at 16 and had her when I was 17, so I know what teen moms go through. 2. We don't have the right to judge anyone. We have all made decisions that weren't the greatest decisions to make. It's how we deal with those decisions that is important. You are very right when you said "it's because they assume the worst." I know a lot of teen moms don't finish school, but there are a lot of them that do. I graduated high school, with my class, and have always taken care of my kids. Being a teen mom is a brave and tough role, but like you said, as long as the baby is taken care of by the parents, then who cares what others think.

Stephanie - posted on 01/09/2012

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Do what you can for her and don't worry about others; they don't care about you. I had two in my teens and they are now 7 & 8. When I say I have a 7 & 8 year old people pause for a second. It is what it is and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Just smile when they look at you. Negativity only adds to negativity!

Melissa - posted on 01/09/2012

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i had my son 3 days after i turned 20, i still get nasty looks but something i have learned that deturrs(sp) the looks is by wearing a plain band on ur wedding finger, it makes them think ur married, they look at the kid, ur hand than u.

Jessica - posted on 01/08/2012

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Dont worrie love most people used to look at me like that, like your to younge to have a child and i was actually 19 when i had my daughter, to be truthal they probly do still look at me like that as i dont look like im now 21 i still look 18 or younger. but i dont notice it any more cause who care's what other people think. you know your age you know ur a good mum so F**k them, accuse my langage but who are they to dudge someone they do not even no. forget them and look up in the world. x good luck love x

Casey - posted on 01/07/2012

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Im 22 and I still get those looks. I had my son at 17 and turned 18 9 days later. I also have my boyfriends (who is 30) 2 kids with me a lot of the time. So to people that dont know me it looks like I have 3 kids. The kids ages are 7 yr girl(boyfriends) 4 yr old boy (boyfriends) and 4 yo boy (mine) so it looks like I have a 7 yr old and twins. I get weird looks all the time and people asking questions. I tell them that I had my son at 18 and the other 2 are my boyfriends and that their mom isnt around so Im their mother figure. The quickly shut up and turn the praise. Non of what I tell people is a lie. I also look much younger then I am. W/o make up I look about 16 with maybe 18. I hate it now but I now I will like that when Im older lol. You will learn to ignore it. Dont let it bother you. So long as you take care of your child you have nothing to worry about. Keep your head up.

Rebecca - posted on 01/05/2012

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I know what you go through. I'm 20 and I had my daughter at 16, but the really problem is without makeup I look like I'm 12. thank god with i look 20, but any why since my daughter was old enough to talk she always ask me why people are so mean to us. people can judge you for being a teen mom, but if you just smile and walk away they can do nothing

Shannon - posted on 01/03/2012

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I wouldn't say that being a teen mom necessarily hinders your ability to a great mom! You can make birthing plans, wait until you are more financially secure, finish school, and all that but that will not necessarily make you the best mom you can be. Being a great mom doesn't come from plans...even the most educated mom to be in thee world can not plan for every eventuality in child birth and rearing.
Also, it does not mean that you will not be able to finish school or qualify for good jobs, or that you will need public assistance. I was a teen mom (16 years old), but my son was supported totally by his father. I finished high school and got my B.S.B in Human Resource Management. I personally think I am a great mom..not perfect or the best mom ever but a pretty good one.
Yes teens do have a lot of growing left to do physically and mentally, but sometimes a baby is a real blessing for a teen..not an obstacle to having a great life.
I am a great example of that. When I was 16 all of my friends were doing drugs, drinking, and partying. I was right there with them. my grades were horrible, I had no focus for the direction of my life and actually didn't care if I woke up the next day as long as the party that night was a blur. My son changed all of that..a complete 180 onto the right path.
Being a teen mom can be very hard but people think that because they pay taxes and they assume that you are getting some of those taxes in assistance they have the right to judge you and talk to you like you are the village idiot who permanently ruined your life because you chose to take the hard path and be a mother. By the time your pregnant the birth control speeches are too little to late, and i find it ironic that most of the time those who talk to most trash to you and judge you the harshest for stepping up to your responsibility are the same ones who would condemn you until the end of time if you chose to have an abortion.

Mollie - posted on 01/02/2012

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As long as your a good Mother I don't think it should matter! I'm 15 & people look at me like "Oh that poor girl" People are just so quick to judge without knowing a thing about you! Forget them & just go on about your life!

Mrs. Jazmin - posted on 01/02/2012

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I know how you feel, i was pregnate at 17 and even though i was married, people still judged me...I think the reason people judge teen moms is only because they look around at all the teens and how most are irresponsible , but they fail to look at the ones that are responsible....just hold your head high, and know there are ppl praying for you!!!

Carmen - posted on 01/02/2012

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i get rude comments and stares all the time. people think that just because we are young we are not capable or that we are "sluts" when i get called a slut i say "sex is FOR reproduction in the first place" and when people tell me im too young to raise a child i say "years ago this WAS the age to have children" hang in there

Tynise - posted on 01/02/2012

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Girl don't let that bother you. I was 17 with 2 kids and you think I didn't get scrutinized. People would stare at me, say smart stuff, and it bothered me a lot but I never let them see that. Don't let them bother you, just smile at those who turn they nose up at you.

Shannon - posted on 12/27/2011

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Not all of them are judging you, but there are small minded people out there who think they know the way your life should be better then you do. There will always be the people who say things like "i feel sorry for you" or "You need to do (fill in the blank because the unwanted advice will relate to every part of your life)". All you can do is decide for yourself what is right and where you want to go and ignore the critics.
I was a teen mom as well and people thought it gave them the right to decide things about me. I was a slutt (though I was with the same guy for two years before I got pregnant and have been with him since..13 years now). Someone else must be doing most of the work with my son (even though he spent a single night apart from me in his first 2 years and was only in the care of others while I was at school and his dad financially supported him completely). I "ruined" my life and would never go anywhere (though I graduated high school less than a semester late, brought my grades up after his birth, and went on to finish college).

People like to think they know the world and that the judgements they make are justified. Just remember that they dont know you your child, or your potential. Every person has their flaws, has made mistakes, and has something they too could be judged on, and they would not like it if they were the ones being judged. Focus on you, your precious little one, and getting what you want for the two of you out of life...the rest of the judgmental big mouths arent helping you in anyway. As my cousin always told me, "Haters make you stronger. They push you to do better, be stronger, and the more they hate the more the more you know your on the right track."

Kelsea - posted on 12/25/2011

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I had my daughter at 15 and completely understand where you're coming from. I got pregnant at 14 and just being out in public with a baby belly definitely brought on some negative attention. We live in the heart of the bible belt where you're taught you have to be married before having kinds and straying form that belief is an abomination. As some of the other mothers have said, the statistics reguarding teenage mothers aren't the best. My advice is, prove them wrong. I'm 18 now, will be graduating high school in May, and have plans to attend a community college in the fall. Age is just a number. It doesn't define you as a person, or decide what kind of parent you are. As long as you're doing right by your daughter, you should hold your head high and be pround of what you're doing.

April - posted on 12/23/2011

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Congrat’s on your Baby! ..It’s because you made a difficult life choice. And you are in fact still a “Teen” yourself. At 14 or 15 even 16 your brain is still developing and your maturity level stops or slows way down if you choose difficult life styles. You have a lot of life to live, and a kid ”teen” to be yourself.
People are mean and unkind.. Mot the Mom’s that give you weird looks.. it’s because you didn’t and won’t have the opportunity to experience life before having to grow up. I know this because my best friend had her daughter the same age as you; My best friend 33years old is now a grandma (she also has a 9 year old son)! I adopted my niece at 15 along with her 3 month old daughter. I understand your frustration. Just remember those who criticize just don’t know how to deal with the situation; are wishing you had made better choices or later choices; so that you could be a kid, be a college girl; be independent; and live a little before being full of adult life responsibilities for the next 18 years. (note: it will most likely be 20 or more because you may have more children). The other part of what they are upset about is that the “Dad’s” (most boys/men) at that age will hang around for a while… but eventually they don’t stand up and take care of their responsibilities and you will be supporting your son on your own. Men mature much later than women they are still kids at times into their 30’s! LOL! It is scary and hard I hope you have a good family support group and good friends. Good Luck! There are a lot of us in our 30s that have been there done this in High School. Be a good Mom Educate yourself. Do things right and good things will happen for you!

[deleted account]

Dont let that get to you. I'm 22 about to be 23 and people say things about me. The world always talk & we must ignore it. Raise your child the best u can and be happy. We owe the world NOTHIN. No explanation or nothing.

[deleted account]

Yeh, exactly! An older mother isnt necessarily going to be a great parent, just because they are older.
Who says a child is less likely to end up being a great adult because their mother was a teenager when they were born?
Genetics are what makes or breaks you, and the way you developed as a person, making you who you are, NOT your age, thats just a number.

Danielle - posted on 12/15/2011

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. Melissa. . an older mum doesnt always create the ability to be the best mum.either! And out of intrest how old do you think you should be before you have a child .. and how old is too old in your opinion.. You seem to be just looking at statistics. Not all mums are as youv said. and as i was told by my midwife becuase of my age 19.. Im more likely to have my baby late- not prem. an i actully went a week over. just remember not all mums are what u say. and many have planned their baby and will sucseed financially and bring up a child. just as an older woman would. Having a baby in your teens does not mean your life is over .. Or the babys life for that matter. Nor does it mean the end of the teens education. I feel like you are prejudice towards us young mums and you should give us some slack not all of us are are relying on benefits / parents. some mums planned thier baby and.live with their partner and are married an are fantasic mums . Dont be so negative

Claudia - posted on 12/15/2011

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Aslong as you know you are a good mother who is responsible and care for your child Dont worry or take in consideration of what others have to say about you! People in this world are always going to judge us nomatter what.

Ells - posted on 12/15/2011

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i had my baby when i was 20 (young but not THAT young + consider i was engaged and living with the dad + we had been together for 2 and half years) and i get sooooo angry because they call me "the baby with a baby"... ggggrrrrrr

they even asked me if i knew who was the father!! when the pregnancy was planned and all!!!!

even my moms says about me "she can cuddle him (the baby, now 3) a lot" and i say i do much more than that! i feed him, put clothes on his back, clean his bum, give him rules and discipline, teach him things, look after him when he's poorly......and all the things any mom does!

and to be fair i also i feel i am a good mom, age doesnt mean anything when you are doing something that you love and want the best for ur child and always put his happiness and safety first!

Jessica - posted on 12/14/2011

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I know more old women who have marriage and a house and plenty of money , but cannot give there kids what they need as little people. So don't even give it a thought. I know more good young moms than I know of good older moms, and where you're in life does not make who you are. Because your so much more than what people think.

Danielle - posted on 12/13/2011

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Im 19 and have a daughter who is 4 months old .She is loved so much . and i know i would do anything or her already even tho iv only known her 16weeks..I work hard to make sure she is happy and content and has everthing she could have possibly need. My point is although i am a teenager i know what needs to be done nd know i am iod mum reguardless of what people think i know im a good mum and my daughter is proof :) dont listen t ppl thaem that judge .if u no ur doing ur best sod em!! x

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@ Luvmia - That's funny, mine is like that too. I think there is a truly unique and special bond when you've 'grown up' with your children. I try not to take myself too seriously and am STILL completely silly most days and my super conservative son just shakes his head at me (he's so polite, reserved, proper and opposite of me, I have NO idea how that happened). :) Our roles are not blurred of course, he is in no way confused about who is the parent and who is the child, but he is happy to confess to being a mama's boy and he is fiercely protective of me, even if I embarrass him sometimes! :)

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