Worried about what others say

Bridget - posted on 03/31/2013 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Hi I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 20 and we have both decided we want to start a family. We have been together for 4 years and truly love each other. We have been through so much in our lives that there is nothing we cant handle. I'm just worried about what others will say because the community we are in looks down on teenagers with children. I have always wanted children at a young age.

Please help me get over my fear

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Carolina - posted on 04/04/2013

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Dear Bridget, I'm 22 years old and I have a daughter who is three I'm currently married. As of right now I'm a part time student trying to finish up school to go into a career and I'm also a part time mom, wife ,house keeper, you name it! Me and my husband got pregnant when I was just 19 and being a mother gave me a lot of responsibility. I'm 22 now taking care of my daughter has been a full time job and responsibility, I adore my daughter very much but having to re arrange my priorities after having her made me place my dreams and education on hold! For a while. If you and your boyfriend want to have children you should really ask yourself if your willing to place your needs, dreams,frienships, job,career, school, second and your family in first priority!! Being a mother and a wife sometimes takes some sacrifice! Sinc, Carolina:)

Julie - posted on 04/05/2013

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Hi, it's very thoughtful of you to reach out for opinions about being worried about other peoples opinions :)
I think the fear is, Wondering if you are doing the right thing?
I also think that is a normal-healthy fear. A good questions for all couples to ask at whatever age you may be.
I suggest you BOTH write your own list of reason WHY this is the time to start a family?
-Is it because you have already traveled the world and seen everything you want to see?
-Is it because you have graduated from college, and have a strong career, now you want the baby?
-Is it because you are finally financial independent and security enough to bring another life into this world?
-Is it because your only dream in life is to be a mother, and you are running out of time?
Ask yourselves these questions, and more. Compare and contrast each others list.
Build your case on the idea, not just for others but for your own piece of mind. In the end, you may or may not be ready to start a family, but you will be well ready to take the steps together in getting there someday. Set a 3-5 year plan. With annual goals too. You both will feel better knowing that you had thought it out, planned it out and ultimately win the respect of those in the community who may want to judged you. ENJOY

Nicole - posted on 04/03/2013

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I became a first time mom at 38 so I can't say that I have experience in being a younger mom but I will just say this.
My daughter is 3 and it is an ALL consuming job parenting her. Absolutely the most rewarding thing I've every done in my life but yes, it takes every waking, and not so awake moment I have to parent her.
If you want to further your education, learn a new skill, take classes basically anything that will require your focus. DO IT NOW. Get that foundation for your career now. It's not that you CAN'T do it with a child it will just be that much harder. I have seen 2 of my friends struggle with re-education after becoming moms and it was so difficult. So much time, money and focus required. Again not impossible, just harder. Just my two cents :)
The other thing that immediately comes to my mind is that if a man, your boyfriend, has been with you for 4 years and is at a level of commitment where he is able to contemplate starting a family with you then he should be at a place where is committed enough to make it legal and become your husband. I know that may sound like old fashioned advice but please hear me out. You will want, he will want, that level of legal protection as a dad. If you lose your job and your health insurance coverage or if he loses his you can go on each others coverage. There are tax benefits etc. It also will, if you are truly worried about others opinions, show that you aren't just flippantly starting a family you are legally becoming a family of two before deciding to expand upon it. I'd also say if he balks at the thought of marriage it should give you pause about his ability to make a lifelong commitment to a child.
At the end of the day though, there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING more amazing than a child. They make your heart sing with joy. You want nothing more on the face of this earth than to be able to give them the best possible life. Give yourself the same consideration and when you have that comfort level in your life you'll feel so good sharing it with them.
I wish you all the best!

Kira - posted on 04/03/2013

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i think it is amazing you found love at such a young age, and are committed to having a family. i always wanted to start my family young as well, i waited until i was 25, i am 26 now with a 10mo old. i wanted it sooner but i am glad i waited a little longer. i do not look down on you or judge you for wanting a baby so young, but i do recommend maybe waiting a few more years, at least until youre 21 and can experience a few more things, enjoy being a young adult for just a little while longer, because once you have a baby all of that goes out the window and that is your life. spend time with friends, go out and enjoy life, figure out carriers for yourselves and get on track with that so youre not living paycheck to paycheck, because it is VERY difficult and stressful. best of luck with any decision :)

Enna - posted on 04/02/2013

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I was 19 when I had my daughter, and my mom was 16 when she had me, so I definitely know about being a teenage mom. If you choose to have a baby you are going to be judged. It's not right and it hurts. It still offends me today when people are condescending about teen pregnancy. Not every teen mom is a bad one, but we all get grouped together. Once you get older people won't notice anymore, so it definitely gets better.

I'm 32 now. I have a 13 year old and a 6 year old. I have a bachelor's degree in Electrical Engineering. My husband (who is the father of both of my children) went to college, and is now a Biomedical Equipment Technician. We are very successful, and we are proving all those bad ideas about teen moms wrong.

Anyway, back to you. I can't make you less afraid, you will be judged. But if it is your choice, and you definitely want it, then go for it. It is really hard to have a baby when you're that young, but if you are determined and have goals, you'll do fine.
Also, every mother is afraid of being judged, no matter your age there will always be someone telling you about how you're not doing the right thing for your baby. breastfeeding or bottles and formula, vaccinate or don't vaccinate, let your kid watch TV or don't, no high fructose corn syrup, breastfeed until your kid starts school, breastfeed in public, avoid food coloring. There is a never ending list of things that all mothers get judged on. Some moms are very judgemental, some are not. The best thing you can do is read, read, read. Talk to your pediatrician. Become informed about your choices, then if someone runs their mouth you can present your facts, or you can roll your eyes and know that what you're doing is right. And when you hear new facts from a reputable source, feel free to change your mind.

And MOST of ALL: the only way I was able to do the things I've done is with the support of an AWESOME man. Make sure your boyfriend knows what he's going to be expected to do for the next 18+ years, and if he's ready for that commitment, then get a ring and marry the man because there aren't many at that age who are willing to go through with it. Catch him because he's a good one.

I hope things go well for you. I think they will if you and you boyfriend work together.

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Staci - posted on 04/09/2013

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Hello, I had my first child at 18 and second at 20, I am now 22 and love having two kids. I am now married, my first child's father is not my husband but he treats her as his own. If you are just worried about what others think, I would ignore them. The only opinions that matter are those of your close friends and family. Just make sure you are positive you're ready before becoming pregnant, that is what truly matters.
Regarding Cheryl's comment, I cant believe she is so rude to tell you not to have a child. A woman knows when she is ready. Your world doesnt end when you have a baby. You DO have to put the baby first obviously, but I am 22 with two kids, and I get their grandparents and aunt to babysit on a regular basis so that my husband and I can go out, and have fun like most young adults love to do.
Just because you have a child does not mean that you have to act like an old woman all of a sudden! I love being young and having kids, plus after they grow up I will only be 40, and young enough to travel, etc.

Anyways, don't be swayed by the negativity in your community. You and your honey know what is best for you two :)

Doni - posted on 04/08/2013

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I HAD ONE AT 17 ALONE, ONE AT 23 MARRIED, ONE AT 27 WITH SOMEONE i LATER MARRIED WHO i REALLY WISH i WOULDN'T HAVE. i ALWAYS SAY GOD MADE ME A MOM BEFORE HE MADE ME A WIFE, EARLY INTO MY FIRST MARRIAGE MY HUSBAND REVEALED TO ME HE DIDN'T THINK HE COULD LOVE A CHILD THAT WASN'T GENETICALLY RELATED TO HIM. DO I HATE HIM FOR THE TRUTH? HE TRIED? OR DID HE KNOW THIS ALL ALONG? I WAS NIEVE ANYWAY YOU LOOK AT IT RIGHT? IN MY STOMACH ANOTHER CHILD WAS GROWING WHO I THOUGHT WAS GOING TO HAVE A BETTER CHANCE AND LIFE THAN THE LAST. WRONG. BY THE WAY SINCE MY 10TH GRADE YR IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS DESTINED FOR ART SCHOOL ALREADY, THE DEAL WAS SEALED. THATS WHY MY MOM WAS MAD WHEN I BECAME PREGNANT. I WAS AN ATHLETE WHO WAS IN 5 SPORTS, GPA UPPER PART OF MY CLASS, I DID BEAUTY PAGENTS, I ENTERED EVERY CONTEST YOU COULD IMAGINE POETRY, SHORT STORY, ECT. MY H.S. LITERATURE TEATURE LOVED MY WRITING SO MUCH SHE ACTUALLY ENCOURAGED ME TO DO THAT FOR A LIVING AND SHE WAS GRUMPY WITH ANGER ISSUES AND THREW ERASERS AT STUDENTS WITH MALACE AND FORCE WHEN THE WOULD , AS SHE PUT IT " NOT SHUT UP". LOL. I ATTENDED THE ART INSTITUTE OF DALLAS WHERE I TOOK ADVERTISING AND FASHION MERCHANDISING, THE FIRST EVER AT AN ART INST TO TAKE A DOUBLE MAJOR BUT MY MOM BOUGHT OUR HOME BY DESIGNING AND MAKING PATTERNS FOR BUTTERICK AND MC CALLS I KNEW FABRIC ECT. ANYWAY THEN I QUIT DALLAS WAS NO PLACE FOR MY SON SO I CAME BACK TO AR WHERE I'M FROM AND ALTHOUGH I AM A DOMINATE RIGHT BRAINER I PUT MY LEFT BRAIN TO WORK ACCCORDING TO OUR DEMOGRAFIC I WENT TO BUISNESS SCHOOL AND TOOK ACCOUNTIN BUISNESS ADMINISTRATION AND COMPUTER SCIENCE, TO SUPPORT MY SON THAT WAS ALL BY 19 OR SO. BY THE WAY LATER AFTER HAVING MY SECOND DAUGHTER I WENT BACK TO COLLEGE, A PRIVATE CHRISTIAN COLLEGE, TO STUDY BUISNESS i THOUGHT, MY HEART PULLED ME AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT DIRECTION THO AS YOU CAN PROBIBLY IMMAGINE AFTER ALL THAT LIFE. I WANTED TO BE PART OF THE BODY OF CHRIST AND MY KIDS TOO, THAT WAS THE BEST I COULD GIVE THEM, NOT JUST FANCY THIS AND THAT BUT A FOUNDATION UNLIKE NO OTHER, TRUSTWORTHYNESS, AMAZING GRACE, ABILITY TO REACHOUT AND LOVE THE BROKEN, I GAVE MY KIDS THE FOUNDATION OF BEING CHRISTLIKE AND THE WAY YOU LEARN THAT IS THE GREATEST EXAMPLE OF ALL IN JESUS CHRIST. THATS WHEN I KNEW I REALLY MADE THE DIFFERENCE IN THIER LIVES, THEY WOULD ENTER INTO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN AND HAVE THE AMAZING BLESSING OF BEING THE ONE THAT PEOPLE COULD CRY IN FRONT OF ON EARTH. THEY ALL ARE GIFTED LIKE CRAZY AT MANY THINGS DNT GET ME WRONG, BUT THEY ARE ALL KNOWN EVERYWHERE BUT THEY WILL SILENTLY TAKE THOSE WHO NEED THIER CARE UNDER THIER WING WITHOUT A WORD OR EXPLANAITION. THATS TRULY THE MOST AMAZING AND PROFOUND BLESSING OF ALL. IT WASN'T FOR LACK OF EDUCATION, I CAN MAKE MY OWN MONEY IN A THOUSAND WAYS NOW AND SINCE I WAS DROPPED OFF FROM THE HOSPITAL BY MY SONS DAD WHO ASKED TO BORROW $5 AND I DIDN'T SEE AGAIN FOR A LONG TIME. (HE ENDED UP BEING THE BEST DAD IN THE WORLD TO 6 KIDS AFTER HE GOT HIS FEET ON THE GROUND TO MAY HE REST WITH JESUS) MONEY COMES AND GOES, SERIOUSLY WHATS YOUR REAL PLAN FOR THOSE KIDS? HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE YOU WANT THEM TO BE? WHAT KIND OF FOUNDATION ARE YOU SETTING? NO JUDGEMENT! IT JUST GOES BY QUICK, DNT BE DISSAPOINTED IN THEM AS ADULTS IF THEY WERE HEARDED HERE AND THERE AND WORRIED ABOUT THIS PARTY AND THAT PARTY AND NOT HAVING A VALUE PLAN FOR THEM, THAT TAKES PLACE EVERY DAY. AFTER ALL ARENT YOU RAISING THE LEADERS OR MAYBE BETTER YET THE SAVERS OF TOMMORROW? TAKE CARE I LOVE THIS CONVERSATION!

Lauren - posted on 04/08/2013

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I can relate! I always wanted to have children youngER rather than later. And I absolutely love my children (had my first at 19). But I waited until 25 to have the second and for good reason. I would never change having my first son, and I absolutely believe you can do it, but it is not easy. And even with two college degrees, we are having to keep budgets very tight to afford the home we're trying to buy now...and pay for diapers, food, sports, school extras, clothes, etc. It adds up!

There WILL be people who judge you no matter what, and that sucks. I've been there. But there will also be people who give you the benefit of the doubt and trust that you're good parents because they see you take care of your kids. And you probably don't want to hear it, but i'd recommend waiting a year or two at least. Take some time to enjoy one another, consider getting married because a baby is a forever commitment. If you won't commit to marriage, you shouldn't commit to a baby. And consider working on finishing school/vocational training first. It's much harder--and more expensive--with kids.

Having kids at 22, 25, 27 are all still very young ages to have kids. If you have a baby at 29, you'll still be under 50 when they get out of college...great way to think about it. A baby is precious at any point in life, but you'll enjoy that baby so much more if you aren't enduring anxiety every day over finances, being social, education, etc. I'm more than happy to talk more if you want...message me!

Doni - posted on 04/07/2013

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Don't be afraid when you get pregnant of what people will say no matter what your age, don't worry about how you will afford your child, no matter what age. If you feel like you don't want to raise the baby, there are so many loving homes out there waiting to take your little one in! never be ashamed or feel bad about that decision either because as long as you keep up a happy and joyful disposition about it and know this child will be raised in the way you would like it to be its going from your loving belly to thier loving embrace. A word of advice: The couple you decide on, make sure they are in agreement with the rejoicing and that this is a joyful occasion and ask them that if it is to be revealed, thats how you would like to be known. That this was not just the happiest day of your life but thiers too! ahh if all could be held as such blessed unions! In heaven we are all brothers and sisters anyway and help wathch over eachother and pray for eachother, why not start that feeling of love right here on earth? we don't have to be strangers, something as small as a newborn can bond us for life! I had a child at 17 was kicked out of the house until 2 weeks before he was born, i ate when i could, i actually lost wieght for me. i went from house to house, if i bought anything for the baby it got lost. My mom finally brought me home when the people I was staying with was all but telling me straight out they were going to take my baby and I was terrified so I called my mom and she got mad and came and picked me up and took me home finally. I was still afraid. 2 weeks later 2nd day of senior year early that morning i went into labor and 5hrs later had an almost 10lb baby boy. I wanted to sleep after having him. By the time I woke up i heard my son cry far away and told the nurse to get him, she said he was asleep but i made her check, sure enough it was his cry. She couldn't believe it! I didn't really know to care I just wanted to look at him.... in the soft of the light my newborn huge son laid there perfect I just looked at him in awe. my mom was pro chioce. I am too my choice is lets see what god has made! it's better than christmas! it's unwrapping gods most holy little packages, so new, so full of hope, so ready with dreams and to play and on top of it all he has a special plan for each and every one! Oh Glory, that is to me so devine. I had no diaper bag, no carseat, no diaper, no income but please hear thease words because they are so the truth: God will provide for his little children, I praise his name I had hardly no food to eat but my son they called golliath at the hospital? I felt like that was gods way of saying good job, way to hang in there! When I left the hospital everyone had come by with baby gifts and the hospital supplied so much too, Blessed, blessed blessed. Jesus has this dnt be afraid!

Cheryl - posted on 04/06/2013

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Oh Honey, please dont have kids right now!!!!!!!!! Take it from me, I had my 1st child at 19. Cant say it was a mistake because I love him too much, but Im telling you it ruins your young adulthood. You are supposed to be out having fun, going to the club, enjoying life! You need to experience life and the world around you first. That way you have more to offer your children later in life!!!!! All too often, young people have babies too early and then later in life you get burnt out and resent yourself and your partner (if still together)! Children put strain on a relationship and you could end up a single mom or dad. Why put a child threw that? Because you wanted to start a family at 19, sounds selfish to me. I'm 34 and have 4 kids, I love my children more than anything and would not change having them. BUT, I wish for their sake I would have waited. Trust me, if you guys love each other that much, enjoy being alone with him and sleeping next to him now! Babies can wait, havent slept next to my hubby in 4 years, since my oldest daughter was born, now I have 2 lil shits between us! There goes your sex drive!!!!!!!!!! Good Luck

Alyssa - posted on 04/02/2013

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It shouldnt matter about what others think it is not thier life to be living, it is your guys decision im 16 with a 3 month old will be 17 next month. At this point I dont care what people have to say about me and i dont care if people hate me. i love my little girl and thats all that matters, do what you heart tells you to

Brittany - posted on 03/31/2013

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I am 18, I have a 16 month old son, I am 3 months pregnant with my next child and I am married to there father. It shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you are happy and you are in a good relationship that you are positive about, that is all that matters. I do not look my age, I look older than I am, so when people ask how old I am when they see my cute little rugrat, I lie. I tell them I am older than I really am. It is absolutely none of there business. I am amazingly happy, it is crazy how happy I am. I have an amazing husband who is an amazing father. My son is a little terror yes, but he is a good baby. I am happy, my son is happy and my husband is happy and to me that is all that matters. I use to take peoples comments into heart, but I stopped when someone said the wrong thing one to many times. Now the ONLY opinions that matter to me, other than my husbands, are my parents. They raised me, so they are all that matter from the outside of my cone family. If you feel you're ready for your own family with the man you wanna spend the rest of your life with, go for it!

Caitlin - posted on 03/31/2013

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I'm 19 and I have a daughter that's almost a year. Having a baby is one of the most amazing things but also very hard. Just make sure your prepared. I like having her while I'm young because I have the energy to keep up and I can crawl on the floor with her and all of that. But if you truly think your ready then you shouldn't worry what other people think. But it is really hard and you should really think about it before you decide. Good luck:)

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