Young Mom needs advise.....

Brittany - posted on 05/30/2011

My husband once told me that he felt like and ogre around our son. He said he felt nervous and scared and that I made it look so easy to handle a baby. Maybe this is dad's issue.

When you get home from work one night hand dad baby and say "I am going to the bathroom, can you please change his diaper, put him the swing and make him a bottle."

In a way "force" him to take care of son. You are busy doing something and this needs to be done.

Around bed time say "Hun I am going to jump in the shower, can you please check his diaper once again and put him in bed." This has to be done and your busy.

When it is time to go grocery shopping "Babe I am going to the store I will be back soon." Keep walking. Don't wait for a response or permission.

Kristen - posted on 05/30/2011

I think that you are asking a difficult question... how CAN I get MY PARTNER to be more involved... Having an involved relationship with his child is up to him, and it sounds like he is feeling overwhelmed by the idea. Perhaps the two of you can look for local drop-in play groups, and you can go together (like parent-child mother goose, or a toddler group). This can give both of you a chance to be around a whole bunch of other parents in your community that are facing all of the same challenges and joys that you are. it can also show your partner how rewarding it is to watch his son learn to interact with other babies, and finally, it will let him be surrounded by other involved dads (which is admirable) and will teach him ways to play, sing and relate to your son. 1-2 hours every week should be a possibility for him (to start) I hope?

Emily - posted on 05/30/2011

Hey Ashley, Im 21 and my little boy is 21 months so i was similar age when mine was 4 months. I had the same situation you have and i too found myself getting frustrated with the little one, and then feeling incredibly guilty after but he is too young to remember any of whats happening around him at the moment so don't worry about it too much. Its hard been a new mum and no body rights a rule book. But its also really really hard for a new dad to adjust aswel. Often they feel pretty useless with a young baby in the house. I found that the older my child became the more involved my partner was. Men especially find it easier with older children when they can start to relate to them as a real human being! I promise you will notice a difference as time goes on. Some men are really hands on from day 1 and thats great but others take a while but he will get there in the end, and by the time your sons 4 he will talk about "daddy" non stop that you'll be saying it in your sleep. Try and brake him in gently as he might just be worried about looking after baby on his own. Hope this helps and good luck x x x

Jennifer - posted on 05/30/2011

Hi Ashley! First off, you have to give yourself a pat on the back. Being a mom is tough and draining on anyone, and for you to be so young and doing it while working is really impressive. I would sit down with your boyfriend and try to talk it out. Even take a calendar and try to schedule a day a week that each of you get away from baby. If you say pick tuesdays as your day to get to take care of you and he gets thursday to himself you may have better luck. That way he knows that he gets his time too. Just remember, Having children can be tough on the strongest couples. My husband is great, but we still had to go to councelling to get things sorted out. I find men especially, no matter the age have tough times with little babies. I think it comes with them not necesssarily knowing how to be around them and being afraid of "breaking" them. With my first child I was a single mom and found a lot of peace having baths at night. I would put her in her car seat while she slept and bring her into the bathroom with me. Then I would light candles and have a bubble bath and let the stress wash away. It was a God-send and I felt like I got me space. Now, 7 years later, with my 7 month old, I go in the garage or on the deck and read while baby sleeps. (even when hubby is home). that way I feel as though I am getting away, even if it is just for a minute. Just bring the monitor with you. :-)

I hope things get better for you guys. I promise it will get better as baby grows and as he gets into a schedule. Men tend to be much easier with babies at that point.

Bonnie - posted on 11/17/2008

Just like in any relationship. You are a better you if you take care of you. You will be a better mom if you take care of mom..Why do you feel bad if you ask him to take care of his child? He isn't the babysitter... He is the father! Does he feel bad for not helping? My advice write out everything that you do so he can see it on paper, and have him do the same..See who's list is longer, Then make a full list of things that need to be done and divide up the responsibilities that can be divided up. Who makes supper, feeds, diapers, baths, cleans laundry, ect..alternate days for who does what. Write out a fair scheldule together

Mindy - posted on 11/17/2008

Hi Ashley,

Talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. It won't work if you don't and you will begin to recent him for that. If he doesn't listen to you then plan a day out for yourself and give him notice that you have a mom's day out planned. I was 17 when I had my first child, I was on my own with only my fathers help and I wouldn't change it for the world. Maybe try you and him going out and discussing it and let him know that you want him to have his time too but you also need your time. Good luck and stick to your guns otherwise things will just keep getting worse.

Marcie - posted on 11/16/2008

i was 15 when i had my son, his father wasnt what i wanted, because i needed more help. So i left, now i have no help. And wish i could get the help that id did have back.

Jessica - posted on 11/16/2008

Just hang in there. I was 16 when I had my first child. The father was 19. We tried to tough it out but thankfully I had supportive parents who told me I didn't have to stay with him just because. Unfortunatly guys mature much later than girls. He just wasn't ready for that role. He wanted a relationship with me but not the responsibility of a baby. Maybe ur guys will be better. But I just wanted to share my story because mine had a wonderful ending. When my little girl was 3 mths old, I met a wonderful man who changed my life. We've now been married for 7.5 years and have 3 beautiful girls. He adopted my little girl and treats her as his own. You wouldn't know that she was any different than the other two. So if it doesn't work out between ya'll there is wonderful guys out there. Believe me I found one.

Sarah - posted on 11/16/2008

I believe that, in general, guys tend to do better with older children (ones that can speak for themselves, dress themselves, etc.). My husband never gets up at night, never helps when she is sick, never does any of that stuff. But I have seen him help out with his nephews and I know how well he does with the older ones when they want to explore or play games or learn something. I would say if he does well around other kids, he could be a keeper; if he can't stand being around any child, that is a much more difficult thing to handle. That's how I knew I had to leave my ex bf. He hated kids and I love them. I just wish you luck and I hope that things work out for you. Hang in there!

Ashley - posted on 11/12/2008

I appreciate everybody's advice and i sure hope that it all gets better. I'm definately not giving up hope.

Jaclyn - posted on 11/12/2008

Hi Ashley,



I'm 20 and have a 7 month old. I love her very much too. I'm not back to work yet I'm still at home but I hear you on the needing help. I don't live with my boyfriend witch also is my baby daddy just because we don't have money to move out at this time. But it did take him a long time to start helping out. I would get so mad that I would just leave the house with her and go for a walk that gave me my time because she loved going for walks you just have to talk to him and let him why you might be needing some help. My boyfriend use to tell me that he was scared to do anything with her because he thought he might hurt her because he has never been around a baby. It takes time he will help he just needs to little help with it. Believe I know what its like to have your time and believe don't feel bad about having it. You need your time to yourself because its hard doing what we do everyday. So don't feel bad about it at all. And your boyfriend will get it soon. I hope everything starts working out and I hope what I said helps

Shari - posted on 11/12/2008

it takes 2 to make a baby tell him to step up and be a dad. if he doesnt like it them put him in the dog house for a day or to. sorry i no how u feel. i got a almost 4 year old boy and a 17 month old girl and im a SAHM with both Monday-Friday BY MY SELF no help my husband comes home only on weekends and when hes here hes worthless, he's tired bla bla bla. IM TIRED TO. stand up and make a point to him to step up and be a dam dad.

Edie - posted on 11/12/2008

Maybe your boyfriend is not comfortable with this role and simply needs to be reassured that he is capable of taking on this role. Just be patient with him, I think a lot of guys are not so good with their kids when they are babies and take on a larger role as the child grows.

Jane - posted on 11/12/2008

Mom's unhappy with their Signifigant Others

Ashley - posted on 11/12/2008

i may have to what is it called i tried lookin it up and it said it couldn't find it...

Jane - posted on 11/12/2008

I certianly hope so. I made a group for moms who are unhappy with thier signifigant others... you should join lol!

Ashley - posted on 11/12/2008

Gosh why do guys have to be that way? I sure hope things get better for you and hope that the men will change. I've always heard the sayin "You play you pay". But its always like the women are the only one paying. Not that its a bad thing. I absolutely love my son to death and wouldnt change anything. I love him to pieces and thats all that matters to me. I wish you luck with your relationship.. Hopefully sooner or later then men will straighten up and act like men...? I don't know its a thought anyway. lol

Jane - posted on 11/12/2008

i know how you feel, me and my daughters father have only been together for almost 3 years and married for 1 and 1/2 years. Our daughter is 15 months and I have been fighting that battle for 15 months. He fights me on diapers and doesnt see what the big deal in feeding her is. To me its a break. But when he does feed her he gets frustrated with her. I do too sometimes but its really hard. I wish I could will him to play with her more but nothing I say or do changes him, He said when she was older he would help more, but now she is older and he plays with her for maybe a half hour and then ignores her the rest of the night, and then criticizes me for letting her do something he wouldnt let her do. I get so fed up. I'm trying my best to ignore it and he says he is trying. Just keep the faith and hope that its still those new baby jitters!

Megan - posted on 11/07/2008

All you can do is talk to your boyfriend. Be constructive not defensive. If you can't get the help you are looking for consider your options. I hear you on all of this. I was a single mom at 17. My son’s father ran for the hills when I was still pregnant. I didn't really have relief or relaxing time. I worked and went to college. My family would only help me when I needed a sitter while I was at work or school. My mother even made me pay her. I didn’t go out or have fun time to myself until my son was close to 1. You may just have to learn to do for yourself. The easiest thing to do is prioritize. Only spend time doing what is needed/necessary. If your baby sleeps, you sleep. It gets easier as they get older. If you can’t get help from the one that helped make the baby then he is dead weight! Hanging on to him will just drag you down. If telling him how you feel isn't enough to get him to realize what he needs to do you are better off! I hate to be so blunt but it’s true. Your number 1 concern is your child. If caring for him is primarily your job and Maverick’s dad won’t help then Daddy Dear needs to be lazy somewhere else!

Ashley - posted on 11/07/2008

My boyfriend is 23 and his mother raised him. He had to do stuff for himself though as a child from what they tell me. So i don't see why he cant involve himself. I don't exactly have (sad to say) a very supportive family my dad works nights so he sleeps during the day. Other relatives we exactly aren't close either. So basically its my dad that i look up to for help. He's awesome but i know he's had his fair share of raising kids and i don't want to have to ask him for anything.

Megan - posted on 11/06/2008

What kind of mom does your boyfriend have/had? Was she the primary caretaker? Is he used to being cared for instead of taking care of himself or others? How old is he? I was pregnant with my first at 17. My son's father was 22. He was used to getting everything from his mother who still did everything for him. He would always make comments like "When a baby is sick it should be with its mother." To this day he still believes his needs come first (we didn't stay together). I've also known guys that started this way but grew out of it. Nurturing and care giving comes naturally to most mothers. Fathers need to learn these things over time. Some pick it up fast, others never do. Have some patience but also follow your instincts. If it doesn't feel right or get better consider your options. Good luck!

Misty - posted on 11/06/2008

Hi Ashley.

I think you are entitled to some free time. Did you explain to your boyfriend that you need some ALONE time to yourself? Maybe the two of you can come up with some kind of schedule where you will be able to get some free time to yourself and then the next evening he can get some free time as well. Having a new baby is exhasting and very overwhelming. Maybe if he wont pitch in and help, you could always ask a relative or friend to keep the baby for a few hours so you can get a break.

Your boyfriend needs to help out with the duties. I dont think you should feel bad for expecting him to help you. Maybe try a different approach.