3 year old wants to move out

Scramble - posted on 08/23/2012 ( 26 moms have responded )

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Hello, I have a 3.5 year old girl who wants to live with friends. We have a good neighbor/friends (Joe and Jane, not real names) they have a little girl (Amy, not real name) of similar age. The girls get along well and enjoy playing together. They’ve been on vacation and we haven’t seen them in a week. Two days ago, my daughter told me that she wants to go live with them. She wants Jane to be her mommy, Amy to be her sister and Joe to be her daddy, forever. She doesn’t want me to be her mommy and my husband to be her daddy anymore. This was not a onetime thing, she repeated this again and again. I had explained to her earlier that if she wants to live with them, she can, but she has to ask them first. And if they don’t want her, she’ll have to find another family who does and she will never see us again. She’s ok with that too. She told my husband later that “I will ask Jane to be my mommy and Joe to be my daddy”. My husband later asked her what if they don’t want you, she said “I don’t know” He asked do you want to come back to this house or a different house, she said a different house. She did also say at different times that she still wants us as parents. Somehow, that’s not enough for me to mend and now, I feel like I’m ready to give her up for adoption.

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Amanda - posted on 08/27/2012

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When my children say things like this I generally counter with "But I would miss you so much," and I tell them all the ways I would miss them. I agree, I think you are over-reacting. A 3 year old truly does not understand the implications of leaving their parents. My 5yr old tells me very often how he wishes he could live with Grandma and how he wants to stay with her forever, but he misses us when he's gone. Our dog , we've had since he was 2, he asks when he's going to die so we can get a new dog. We had to leave our dog with my mother for a week, on the day we left, nearly every hour, he said how he missed the dog and has said so every day he's been away. Even at 5 he doesn't understand the connection that he has with our family (meaning me, daddy, 2 brothers, and our animals.) Life, and love, are learning experiences, its something we occasionally forget. Give her time and don't forget all the reasons why you love her.

Katie - posted on 08/25/2012

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Why aren't there more moms speaking up and confronting this troubled mom?



Are you serious?! There are some serious issues going on here, and it's not with you're child. She is 3 1/2! I have a 3 1/2 year old that says all sorts of crazy things, but I take them with a grain of salt. One day Mommy hung the moon, and the next I am her mortal enemy - testing me at every turn. I strongly believe you need professional counseling. For the sake of your child and your own mental stability, PLEASE get help.

Samantha - posted on 09/05/2012

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When my daughter was two she told me she hated mever a peanut butter sandwich I just looked at her and told her well that's ok because I loved you and that's all that mattetters right now it made her more mad but latter she came out and told me she was sorry and she loved me I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old if I. Had a nickel for every time they said the hated me didn't love me or wanted a new mommy id be rich yes it hurts to hear it but someone once told me if they tell you they hate you that means your doing something right hang in there

Marita - posted on 09/04/2012

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She is 3 years old, she does not know what she wants. Kids say many things, and it gets worse with time. you and your husband need to take your feelings off of your sleeves and not offer her other options. How often is she at this house? i would start by limiting that and having more fun family time. it sounds like she is just having more fun there and not at home. Give it time and if she still feels that way, find a therapist for her. If you and your husband are having a hard time coping, perhaps you should see a therapist immediately. They can help you deal with some of this in a constructive and positive manner. Wearing your heart on your sleeve and giving her up for adoption is not a solution. If you're hurt by this, could you imagine never seeing her again?

Janessa - posted on 09/03/2012

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Ok, kids say things like that sometimes, its okay, deep down they don't really mean it. Usually it is said, when they are being disciplined, or when they miss a friend, or anything like that. My 6 year old says she wishes so and so was her sister and she could live with them. She means it at the time, because she probably does wish that her friend was her sister, they get along so well, she doesn't realize that if she was they probably wouldn't be so close. Can't you remember a time when you may have said that as a kid, or said you were going to run away. I can. Don't take it personally, there is no reason to take it personally. Just like us kids say things they don't mean when emotion is involved. Are you really ready to give her up for adoption, could you seriously part with her? Maybe you have some insecurities about being a good mother. No one is perfect. If you love her that will guide you. You'll probably love her more than anyone else, and deep down she knows that. Please don't take that personally. I've never once taken it personally when my kids say things like that, mostly because I remember saying things like that, and believe me I'm glad my parents never followed through. She loves you, you're a good mom, don't doubt yourself.

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Lacey - posted on 11/30/2013

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Thanks for posting this. I have read through a good number of the responses because my 3 y/o regularly tells me that he does not want to go home. It's done with enough consistency that I was beginning to wonder if there were something going on that I was simply missing. If you are a caring first time Mom, who is going through each of these phases for the first time, it's very helpful to see that in most cases, this is just a piece of the Mom game and not an indicator of something more serious. I appreciate all of the Mom's out their who took the time to let us know that kids do this and that it is normal. Full disclosure though... now it will be my turn to be sent to therapy... I used it as an opportunity to try manipulating his Father into having a second by asking my son if he'd like it better at home if he had a brother and said if that was the case he needed to tell his father. Unfortunately, it only took my son a minute to decide that he did not want a brother and my message was not relayed... Ah well!

Again, thanks for putting yourself out there and asking the question so when other women such as myself had the same question a blog full of responses was ready. I bet you are a great Mom and that my son would probably ask to live at your place instead of mine.

Marion - posted on 10/03/2012

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LOL, it makes me laugh, how you are worried. I have 3 boys, I know where it is coming from. I am a very strict parent and I bet you are too, that's why it is so much fun out there rather than home. I guess try to invite her friends over to your place too, and ask her friend what type of play they used to do, and try do the same at your place with both of them. I know sometimes, things they would do, can be messy, but put a plastic cover on your floor let them have fun , just forget about tidiness for a little while , you will see your neighbour would like you as her mum LOL.



when my kids tell me they don't like me, they know it will hurt you, that's why they keep on saying it, but i replied them back, me too LOL, you must look at their faces. And now I can hardly hear I don't like you :)

Ana - posted on 09/13/2012

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What! Give her up for adoption? You seem to be a very good parent to her! Kids do have crazy ideas about life at early stages.. Don't give up on her at 3!



Since it seems that you love her, I think you should work with her. I don't think you should have her to ask the other parents can she be their kid, she is going to be really disappointed..



Don't take it so personal.. she's 3, how is she really judging you? My daughter is 2 right now and she rejects me pretty much every day, but I know it's because she's growing and looking for her little independence.. I do what I have to as a parent, and I don't let her current NO MOMMIE get to me, or her I WANT MEEMOOW (grandma) or I WANT DADDY...At 3 it sounds like your daughter has a more clear way of expressing her little freedom of what she can ask for..



Just be mom and dad..have fun with her, and she will stop in a while..



Take care.

Erin - posted on 09/04/2012

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My daughter did this at that age, too. We went back and forth between telling her to go, explaining how other kids didn't get all the fun things she did, and in exasperation telling Ger to go. She finally outgrew it at about 4 years old. It is hard when your baby girl wants to leave you. She has a twin brother and he has never done this. Hope she outgrows it soon.

Jacqy - posted on 09/03/2012

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I just wanted to say I am sorry your feelings have been hurt. Obviously there are some underlying issues and this has become a trigger point in your emotions. Please remain calm and try to be objective. She is a very young child and doesn't understand that by asking for another parent she will be losing you. She doesn't have the emotional or mental capacity to understand entirely why hitting is wrong, let alone leaving her parents. I am divorced and my kids often tell me they want to go live with Daddy. I remark 'Daddy is a lot of fun to be with isn't he? You'll see him on..(whatever day they'll see him next.)' This allows them to feel affection for their father(or in your case, her friend and her friends parents) without feeling guilt, while also feeling like you understand which strengthens your relationship with your child. At some point she may have said "I want to live here" and her friends parents may have replied "But you have to live with your own mommy and daddy." In a child's mind, the perfect solution to that would be changing mommy and daddy, though they haven't realized that it would mean forever and would hurt them as well as you. Please be strong, and remember that your daughter loves you so very much. She's just still in development and hasn't yet learned those bonds that will happen in the next two decades of your lives.

Jodie - posted on 09/03/2012

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I don't agree with the fact that you said "I had explained to her earlier that if she wants to live with them, she can, but she has to ask them first. And if they don’t want her, she’ll have to find another family who does and she will never see us again" cus she's only 3. I have a 6 year old DD and a 10 year old DS. I have said this to my son and it's totally bashed his self-esteem. He has told people he doesn't believe we really want him so we have had alot of making up to do.

Heather - posted on 09/02/2012

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Let her test it out for a few days, with the parents of her friend agreeing to it. See what happens. I bet she will realize that her friend doesn't have it so easy. She will miss her bed, toys, and you and her father after one or more nights with them, I promise.

Jessica - posted on 08/27/2012

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What's with all the judgement? Am I reading yahoo answers... geez! I thought this is where moms go for support and advice. Maybe she was joking! Maybe hearing her daughter say over and over that "I don't want you as my mom," upset her to the point that she vented on here! Heck I asked a question about how to help my 16 month old learning and they make me out as a control freak/pusher which isn't the case. It's no ones place to judge! Listen objectively! Please.



I haven't encountered this but already it hurts my feelings that my 17 month old loves his dad more than me. When he said "I love you," to his grandma and not me... I was jealous. Maybe let her stay there a weekend and tell the parents to actually Parent her. I remember growing up I wanted a lot of different parents to be mine just because they never disciplined me! You aren't doing anything wrong. When she's older or maybe soon you can teach her about hurting mommy's feelings. I'm sure she doesn't understand!

Amanda - posted on 08/26/2012

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My 2 yr old tells me she hates me all the time or she doesn't love me and my 4 yr tells me he doesn't like me and I'm nasty.



I once had a friend of my sons over to play, when it was time to go he told his mum that he wanted to live at my house and she could go home on her own. He was just having fun and didn't want to go yet.



I think all kids go through it, what they say and what they mean at this age are usually 2 totally different things

Tina - posted on 08/26/2012

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I'm sorry if I came across harsh I just meant that when kids go to their friends it's fun. As a 3 year old that's all she wants to do is have fun and so she says these hurtful things in order to get her way. Just be patient and just try to spend some fun time with her and invite her friend over. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you or anything. Just I know myself I can be firm and serious sometimes. Got to make sure my little ones brush their teeth, brush their hair eat their veggies. When they go visiting even grandma. It's all treats and fun. Over friends house it's fun and games.



I know their were times I visited friends I didn't want to go home. I'm pretty close to my family now though.



Please try not to take what she says to heart. I know it can be hard. The other day my little man hurt himself he didn't want me he wanted Nanna. He reckoned I was a big meanie because I was trying to clean he sore lip which he'd stuck his tooth through after jumping off of one of his cars. He's done that a lot lately. He just wants Nanna. Lately he's been sick he doesn't want mum he wants Nanna. It's not nice feeling rejected by your own child. Even though they don't always show it they do love you.



Do you have any one she can stay with for a while. If that's what you want to do. It's up to you in the end. But maybe just some time away with a relative or something. Where she wont have too much fun of course. After a while she may ask to go home to mum and dad.



What you do is completely up to you and what you're comfortable with. I'm not trying to come across nasty or anything. This is your decision.

Katherine - posted on 08/26/2012

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*******MOD WARNING********



I see violation of T.H.U.M.P.S. in many of these posts. If I see it again, I am locking this thread.





Thank you,



Katherine

Moderator

Tina - posted on 08/26/2012

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She's a 3 year old she doesn't know what she wants. All she knows is she has fun with her fun. Home is a serious place. Instead of asking serious questions and focusing on the bad. Which is a phase. Every child goes through them. I know my brother use to say I hate you mum. He wanted to live else where yadda yadda. He's now 21 and a mummy's boy. He still stays there on weekends. He's got his own place and everything but still goes and stays with mum from time to time.



I know what's she's saying is hurtful but you have to try not to take it to heart. Maybe spend some quality time together. Invite her friend over to stay and do some fun girly stuff that's probably what she's really hanging out for. Do some dress ups and make up what ever she like to do. She may be 3 but these are still fun things to do with mum.



Daddy should have some quality time too. He can take her to the park with her friend get some icecream or something. Just something that makes her feel special. It might be wise just to ask the parents of this other kid what she's been saying to them in regard to this as well.

Keldi - posted on 08/25/2012

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ooh my every kid goes through it don't Over react as everyone else has said. My 4 year old who loves his grandpa wants to live there all the time and when my kids get in trouble they tell me there going to daddy's work or grandmas just to hope ill stop the time out and tell them no stay here kids learn to work the parents over early on.

Fran - posted on 08/24/2012

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My daughter is now 8. When she was 3 or 4 she did the same thing. She wanted to go live with my neighbor who was a grandmother type. She even packed up her backpack with all of her baby dolls, clothes, shoes, sneakers....you name it and was off to the neighbors house. My neighbor thought it was cute and called me to let me know that she would watch her for a bit but then send her home later. My daughter was so happy at first, but then realized that she would never see us ever again, and started to cry and wanted to come home. Don't fret over this. The drama of a little girl only gets worse as they get older. Be strong!

Ebony - posted on 08/24/2012

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What is wrong with you lady?! Evidentally the lady or somebody over there is convincing your child to want to stay there. U need to only allow your neighbors child to come to your house and u dont need to send her back over there. She is 3.5 she has no choice. You are the parent. Smh

Ashley - posted on 08/24/2012

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Even you could give your child up for her going through a normal developmental stage in her life you have really lost it. I really think you should read some parenting books and maybe do some counseling. Like others have said every child will go through this phase as well as an "i hate you" phase and "i don't love you anymore" phase many times in their lives. Children her age don't realize how much those words can hurt mommy and daddy. It is painful to hear but its normal for kids her age. Also like others have said she most likely just wants more time with her friend. Try to do more regular play dates and maybe sleepovers if the other childs parents are comfortable with it. Think about why this bothers you so much and allow yourself the time to deal with your emotions. Maybe taking a day for some you time would be good too. Try not to get frustrated with the crazy things she will say. Most kids like a break from mommy and daddy but she didn't really want you out of her life. To children things are easy and they think choices are endless which is great for them but they don't learn reasoning and logic skills until around 5-6.years old. There are done great books and articles out there that explain the different developmental stages children go through as well as their brain development that may help you cope in the future...

Cherish - posted on 08/23/2012

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I do not know if you are being serious or not..if not then it is funny,if you are being serious you are over reacting ALOT...

Like Amy said if you are that upset by funny things a toddler says,what in the world are you going to do when she gets older...They turn into SUPER drama and chances are by then she will seriously know how to push your buttons and good at it,she will be ;)

Amy - posted on 08/23/2012

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I think you are seriously over reacting to your 3 year old, and if you hint at all how you feel she's going to keep doing it because she knows it bothers you! Every child says they don't love their parents at some point, heck my 2 1/2 year old tells me all the time she wants to move to NY to her grandparents. Like Kristin said it's probably because when she's with her friends it's always "fun" never boring and they probably don't have the same "rules" that you do. Honestly I think you need to re-evalutate your reaction of wanting to put her up for adoption because of this, if you can't handle the feelings of a 3 year old how are you going to deal with a moody 16 year old??

Kristin - posted on 08/23/2012

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Shes 3. She's probably saying those things because the neighbors don't discipline her like you do.

Sarah - posted on 08/23/2012

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Oh, all kids go through this, and at various stages in their life. I did the same thing to my parents, actually it was almost the exact situation. she doesn't mean it, no matter how you explain it to her she cant fully grasp it. The truth is she just wants to spend more time with her friend. Maybe they've even said 'we should live together then we will be like sisters' and so your daughter just ran with it. Maybe give your daughter a sleep over with her friend and plan really fun activities, such as mask making or nail stuff, then i bet your neighbors child will be asking for you to be her mommy. Also ask her why she wants them to be her parents, i bet you her answer is her friends name and being like sisters. Also shes just pining for her friend. Your great parents because you care, when she is older she will thank you for that.



Like i said various stages when shes a teenager she'll be looking for her birth certificate to make sure your her real parents.

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