Am i being responsible, or unreasonable?

DEBORAH - posted on 04/25/2010

Hi Nikita, I think it's great that your partners mother wants to be part of her granddaughters life, all family memebers can benefit from the knowledge of past and present generations within a family unit.



My question to you is, why do you feel the need to place nana on a time schedule? The hours you given for nana to spend quality time with her granddaughter seem unreasonable; (9am to 1 pm) consider the commute. By the time she arrives at the home to get her granddaughter, gets back to her place, it's practically time to return her. Why can't she take naps at nana's house?



In addition, if nana decides to take her to the park, a friends house or another family members home, why must she report to you her every move. As for the car seat, teach her how to bucket her in your way.



Why can't nana visit with her granddaughter from 9am to 5pm, believe me after awhile you will greatly appreciate the free time.

Jenna - posted on 04/24/2010

I am also very anxious about when my mother-in-law takes my children, I have put my foot down with my husband and told him that I expect the same respect from his mom that i get fom mine . . . It came to the situation that I told her she could not take them (or even just one). All you have to remember is that you ARE their mom and YOU need to be comfortable with where they are and who they are with.

Jessica - posted on 04/23/2010

This is a tough situation. I would simply be firm with her. Tell her you fully appreciate the time she wants to spend with your daughter, but unfortunately it's your way or the highway. As nicely as you can, remind her that you have no obligation to allow her to see your child at all (I've been to court- trust me on this) and she should be grateful of her time and stick to your rules. If she cannot do this, simply tell her that she will no longer be able to keep her if the unreliability consists. A couple of weeks might go by after this discussion without you having the break from your child, but she will eventually see things your way. Hopefully. Hope that is somewhat helpful. I also want to mention that I believe you are being completely rational about this. It is a mother's nature to worry. Good luck with everything!

Louise - posted on 04/22/2010

I used to have this problem with my mother-in-law many years ago.... my daughters are now 22 and 18. she used to just turn up (with her friends in tow) to take them out because, as she would say, 'you're not doing anything are you'. She also tried to arrange a birthday party at her house for my youngest without my knowledge - which ended up in an enormous family row. She also used to take my children to McDonald's and places like that and tell them not to tell me. And, as they got older, give them money and tell them not to tell me. This led to quite a few problems over the years - with them thinking they had an ally and her covering up for them over relatively serious things....

In a nutshell then, I would advise that you make a stand now.

Kelly - posted on 04/20/2010

Out of curiosity, what are you doing while she has her? If you'r enot working, offer to do the drop offs and pick ups. That way, not only you can control the times, but you can assure that your child is being buckled in safely. I would be honest that while you appreciate the help, the amount of anxiety it causes isn't a helpful trade off. You are the mother, and the concerns I see here are not out of reason at all.

Julie - posted on 04/20/2010

Oh I would put my foot down on that one. She is your child and Nana needs to know her place.

Annemaree - posted on 04/20/2010

tell her to listen to ur rules or there will be no taking ur daughter anywhere at the end of the day u are her mother u are her boss if nanny dosnt like that well tell her to go get a life

Lisa - posted on 04/20/2010

You're the mother and if she doesn't want to follow your rules, tell her that she can spend all the time she wants with her granddaughter but it will have to be at your house.

You are the mom and have the right to know where you child is and make the decisions regarding her schedule and safety.

Brenda - posted on 04/20/2010

I think it is all about respect. You should know where your child is at all times. Your child should also be safe. But the nice thing about grandparents is that they get to have fun with the kids and give them a change from their routine. You should make sure that she knows how to buckle your child in, but maybe try to relax about the other stuff. I live far away from any family so I don't have these problems. I do think it would be nice for me and my daughter if there were grandparents around to give us both a break.

Stephanie - posted on 04/20/2010

She is YOUR child, and it is your job to keep her safe, healthy, and happy. 18 monthsold is still pretty young. I gave my parents the rules. And they follow them, at least in front of me so I don't worry when I am not there to supervise. She has to understand that most of your worrying comes from the fact that she acts like she doesn't owe you an explanation. The least she can do is humor you. Her attitude about the situation would be enough for me to cut off her unsupervised visits all together, you are not trying to be mean, you are just trying to protect your daughter and be able to function while she is away.

Maybe you should ask her if you can borrow her car, grab the keys and start to drive off with the trunk open. If she looks worried or upset let her know how much more upset she would be if it was her child.

The car seat thing is what worries me the most. Most parents don't have children's car seats in correctly and many children get badly hurt in accidents because of it. I wouldn't let her go anywhere in the car with her. Absolutely not. You can't replace a child...

Amber - posted on 04/20/2010

It sounds like you and your partner need to get on the same page. Does this bother them? Your daughter is your and your partner's Child so it is up to the two of you how you decide to raise her and what you allow her to experience in life. If your partner supports you this will be no problem, but if you are going at it alone that is a whole differant story, and it is going to be a rough ride.



If your partner agree's have them lay down the law. It is their mother and she has to love them no matter what.



If your partner doesn't agree, this will be the first of many battles and be preparred to do this again later about something else. You two HAVE to be on the same page when raising kids or drama...drama..drama...



Good Luck to you, let us know what happens and I would feel very uncomfortable with her having issues telling you where she is going and getting her home on time. No you are not being unreasonable, I think you are being very responsible. Tell Grama babysteps. Once she learns to respect your parenting, maybe you will respect her desire to break the rules and let her stay out late every once in a while. WITH YOUR PERMISSION!

Enid - posted on 04/19/2010

You have plenty of queues. I believe you need to stop letting her take care of your daughter. I have learned from past experiences that whenever you have a doubt about someone, that is enough to make a sudden decision. Unfortunately you can never take any chances with children. Point in case, I have been hesitant about having my mother in law take care of my daughters but the last scenario finally did it for me.. I have been working long hours and when I finally come home I find both my daughters unattended ridding around in their bicycle and trike 4 and 6 yr olds with no adult supervision when I walked in to the house her excuse was" I told them to come in and they didn't listen to me". Sorry, that is unacceptable for me. I didnt say anything to her in fact I tried to control my temper but my husband the next day let her know clearly where we stood.

I have a very close friend that has a daughter that suffered severe brain trauma and it was just a freak accident, the baby was sitting on the front lawn while someone was learning to drive the person lost control and hit the child. I could not live with myself if something like that happened to my girls. I am not trying to scare you, all I am saying is to trust yourself. You sound like a responsible and caring mother and in the end if grandma is smart enough she will understand and if she doesnt oh well she has two choices still. Hope this helps you. Best of luck with whatever decision youmake.

Becky - posted on 04/19/2010

Just like many others, I have had the exact same issues with my MIL. It even got to the point of feeding the kids food we had specifically said they were allergic to, leading to us dealing with sick kids. We tried talking, we tried avoiding, we tried setting the rule that she can only be around the kids with us there and finally wound up in counseling with them. The counselor made it clear that MIL could either A) be "right" or B) get what she wanted (time with the kids), but that in this case she couldn't get both. She kept coming back to the question of which is more important to MIL, being right or having time with the kids? In our counselor's opinion, it doesn't matter how silly our boundary is, if someone wants to be trusted with our children, they are to follow it. If we say that our girls are not allowed to wear pink, they need to trust that it is for the kids best interest and respect it. This is most definitely a tough one though. Good luck!

Shirley - posted on 04/19/2010

I would have your partner request it. That way it looks like it is their idea. It is your partners mother and your partner should be the one dealing with the issue. How does your partner feel?

Connie - posted on 04/19/2010

You are the mom, you make the rules not your mother in law. Your husband should be the one to talk to her, it's his mom. It's disrespectful to you to not follow your schedule and your rules. Sure nana can spoil a bit but messing up your daughter's schedule is not right.

Jennifer - posted on 04/19/2010

Stop taking her over there until you two can come to an understanding. She's your daughter not hers and I don't care how many kids she raised or what other grandmas are doing, she's your daughter and you have a right to have her on a schedule and a right to know when and where she is at all times.

Michelle - posted on 04/19/2010

I personally think that life is just too short to get upset over schedules and advice from others. My mother, my husband's Grandmother and aunts, my father, all have a different way of doing things with the kids. They "do" have lots of kid-experience, and I take the opportunity to teach my kids that what is okay for Grandma isn't necessarily okay with mommy and daddy. I like that they learn that different people do things different ways. One of the joys of being a grandma, I think for my mom, is that she can do all the things with my kids that really irritated her when my grandmother did them with me. The important thing is that they know their grandma (because they will never know their other one, as she died the year before my husband and I were married), and that they ALL have fun when they're together. I want my mom to thoroughly enjoy her grandchildren.

I also think that having a flexible schedule is a good thing. If my daughter misses a nap once a week, she doesn't have a meltdown because she has a little experience with being tired (we have different activities on different days, so nap-time varies).

Now...all that is my feeling about grandparents and schedules...but safety has to come first...maybe ask your MIL to take a class (and take it with her) about car seat safety. I know a person who actually comes to your home to teach you all about car seat safety. In CT, her website is www.littleridersct.com, maybe there is something similar where you are.

My next issue is honesty. You NEED to know where your kids are, always...I think a little heart-to-heart wouldn't be a bad idea. What if something were to happen to your MIL and someone needed to call you? If you didn't think your kids were where they were, you might think the phone call was bogus. If you trust her more to take your daughter for the day, then she should have no reason to lie about where she goes.

Michelle Douglas
Mom to Christian (4) and Grace (18 mos)
West Haven CT

Charlsie - posted on 04/19/2010

You are NOT being unreasonable. I have the same issue with my MIL. This is your child not hers and as with anyone who you intrust your child they need to listen and folow instructions. Unfortunately the conversation with your MIL may not go so well. But I would not stop telling her what you need from her, ie where are you taking my child and if you do not bring her back on time she will no longer be able to go off with you. As it is with my MIL she only sees my daughter when we go visit her because she would rather do what she wants to do than follow our rules. But that was her choice.

Joanne - posted on 04/19/2010

HI

I think you are being responsible. You are the mother you know best. I think we all face these issues or similar ones with either our mothers or in laws and sometimes both sides. Bujt someone once said to me remember that it has been at least twenty years since they were raising children and times have changed you are doing the best for your child

Samantha - posted on 04/18/2010

Wow I'm totally shocked about how many ppl have these problems with Grandparents. My mother flat out refuses to babysit for my kids, So I take every bit of help I can get from my mother in law. I used to be a bit the same as most of the posts on here, whinging about everything she did different to me. Now I have totally chilled out about the whole thing and figure its one day out of 7 that my children can hang out without my rules and have fun with nanny. I think that is the beauty of grandparents that they are different and fun! I love the fact that my children come home happy and spoilt from her house! Obviously safety things need to be addressed but why can't ur baby sleep at her house and u pick her up after? maybe just a bit of compromise is what u need. As long as the safety issues are being met why stop the visits, the only person u will hurt is ur child. If my mother stopped me from seeing my grandma I would be so angry at her! Dont get me wrong either my children are on a very tight routine also but its ONE day! I dunno just my opinion! sorry if u don't agree.

Jayde - posted on 04/18/2010

I agree that you should have a calm conversation with her, but if that does not work then you should let her know that the visits will stop. You are the mother and what you say goes. I havent had this issue yet but I just know its coming.

Shannon - posted on 04/18/2010

I don't think skipping her nap once a week will cause any major schedule damage, or you could just let Grandma give her a nap. Four hours a week isn't much time to do anything and rushing home just for nap time seems silly. You have to pick your battles because not everything is worth fighting about. Have a talk with MIL and then show her how to work the car seat. Some of the best memories in life are made at Grandma's house.

Rebecca - posted on 04/18/2010

I wish mothers/mother in laws would butt out some times.My mother has a habit of letting my daughter do what she wants even after I have just told MY DAUGHTER no you can't do that.For eg No you are not having a new toy today you have not been good enough.My daughter cracks a tantrum and then nanny will get it for her.She dose not do that every time but when she dose it makes me mad.And I am sick of my daughter saying but nanny said.but nanny said I could.I say I dont care what nanny said I am your mother.Do what some of the other mums have done.dont let her see your daughter untill she listens to what you are saying.This is your daughter and you have to deal with her when the mother in law brings her back tired and cranky and your daughter needs her sleep.

Melissa - posted on 04/18/2010

Stop sending your baby with her. Bottom line is you are Mom. If she cant respect you and your wishes then she cant take the baby. It's not up to her to agree or disagree on what you want for your child. I feel for you.

Marcy - posted on 04/18/2010

Honestly, I would not feel at all comfortable letting someone take my child if they can't even buckle them into their car seat properly (that right there is one HUGE safety risk). It's tough when it's family, but you have to set parameters that make you feel comfortable. Letting someone who puts her at risk and isn't truthful with you about where they go? Look at it this way-- would you let a paid nanny or baby-sitter get away with that behavior?

Nikki - posted on 04/18/2010

Hi Jennifer, My name is Nikki. I definately think (well know) you did the Right thing. You have to do that with In-Law's/Parent's, bc they think that they dont have to Listen and that the "Rules" (your rules) dont apply to them. So you have to show them who's the "real" Parent, and who's just a Grandparent, ya know. So I totally AGREE with you and what you had to do by not letting your Child go over for a few weeks. Atleast now she will take you seriously., and if not..keep not letting him go, and Trust me she WILL eventually have to Listen or just not get to see him. (I know bc I go thru the EXCACT SAME thing with My Husband's Parent's., they think they don't have to ask with certain thing's, and even had the gaw to say "I don't know" when we ask them where they were going (when they wanted to take Noah (Our Son) with them! So i'm sure you know what happened next..He DIDN'T GO!

Jessica - posted on 04/18/2010

Hey mama, I didn't read thru all the responses, but I know how you are feeling. I think Grandparents have an overwhelming desire to spoil their grandkids, and somehow that translates into breaking the rules! Maybe you could drop your daughter off and pick her up? That way, they have to be a certain place at a set time so you can get her? And, if that doesn't work, maybe Nana has to start coming to your house?

Daphne - posted on 04/18/2010

Personally I would never let anyone like that take care of my daughter. I don't care if she is your mother in law...don't let her watch your daughter anymore unsupervised until she changes her behavior and her attitude! Seriously!

Trisha - posted on 04/18/2010

You say NO until the "mother in law" (notice her title doesn't stop at Mother) can have some respect for you. I have a 17 yr old son and MY mother in law pulled the same BS, and let me tell you it won't stop until you demand for it to stop. You put your foot down, however uncomfortable initially, and insist that she respect you...if you don't ... then get used to this being your life. Sorry hun

Sam - posted on 04/18/2010

It sounds as though your MiL really cherishes the time with her grand-daughter and simply doesn't see that her actions are hurting you. It's a cliche, but perhaps if you could sit down with her and explain that when she brings your daughter back late you end up feeling anxious, and that it's important to you that you feel she listens to you when you want to share information about your daughter. Yes, grandparents have raised kids before, but the world is a much messier, more technically advanced place now. If you can offer a compromised, (maybe napping at Nanna's is posibility sometimes) then she may feel that her feelings are also being considered. Ultimately though if the considerate, softly approach just doesn't work, it comes down to your child, your rules! I hope you're able to find some middle ground, I feel very lucky that I haven't had to deal with this kind of situation, as the relationships my sproggit has with her Grandma and Nana bring her such joy, it's sad to think that not all kids get that chance. Keeping my finders crossed for you.

Shannon - posted on 04/17/2010

Honestly, when I was a kid and said but none of the other kids have to, my mom would respond that she isn't all the other kids' mom, she's mine. In this instance I would have to say you are not the mom of any of the other nana's grandbabies, you are the mom of this one and if she wants to continue to spend once a week with her, then she has to respect you as the mother. If she cannot respect your wishes, then you cannot consider hers. Your daughter's safety and well-being is your responsibility as her mom and she is interfering with your duties as the mom. I might be a hard nose, but that's my opinion. Chuck out anything that doesn't work for you and follow your heart.

Amy - posted on 04/17/2010

Your ultimate job as a mother is to protect your children and you should always trust your instincts, if it feels wrong, then it probably is. This is YOUR CHILD. Your mother in law has to respect that, period!!! If she doesn't follow your rules and respect you and if you feel like your child may be in danger while in her care, do not let her take your child until her behaviour changes. Just remember, this is your child!!!

Paula - posted on 04/17/2010

You have the right to set your childs schedule and know where they are going so it's not unreasonable. I have found that over time as my daughter got older that I have relaxed a bit so that I can allow for more flexibility. I had a conversation with her grandparents explaining what support I needed. One thing that helped was that I included them in more of our day to day activities. I let her take my LO to the baby gym and park sometimes which helped me too by giving me some free time. I think the fact that they were able to have a real impact in her day to day life and that they didn't feel left out helped them stop feeling like they had to steal time or make big gestures. Do we still bump heads? Yes...its just not as often and now when it happens I think of the special relationship (spoiling) that I had and still have with my grandmother. The difference is that overall she gives me more respect. She calls when she is running late and helps me keep my daughters schedule. Some things will never change though LOL my LO is guaranteed to have some sweets. Good Luck, I hope you find what works for your family.

Tara - posted on 04/17/2010

I think all mothers are most nervous with their first- I certainly was. I had trouble like you did. I think an honest conversation would do a lot of good. I really believe she wants to enjoy more time with her grandaughter, which is a wonderful thing. She MUST, however, agree to abide by the important rules of safety. Otherwise, you simply cannot allow her to have her unsupervised. Have a candid talk. Allow your daughter to go over for a longer period, as long as your mother-in-law agrees to 1) communicate with you her plans, and maintain contact, 2) follow important safety rules. Some things you can let slide- let your mother-in-law spoil her with a little junk food, etc. It won't kill her, and as your daughter grows just remind her that her time with nanny if a special occasion. Believe me, there are plenty of parents out there like my husband and I that would give ANYTHING to have one set of grandparents nearby and take our kids one day a week. Good luck!

Amanda - posted on 04/17/2010

I can totally relate. My advice to you is don't let her take your daughter for a couple of weeks, make sure she know why. Tell you you are uncomfortable not knowing where your daughter is and that the schedule is there for a reason. Make it clear that you aren't doing this to hurt her but to make you see that you are the mother and that your wishes need to be respected. Remember to trust your instincts, they are your best guide. Hope this helps.

Alicia - posted on 04/17/2010

I don't think you can force anyone to "respect" your rules, but you should expect for them to accept them them. Hopefully down the track when the realise why you have the rules in place they will learn to respect them.
I think there is a bit of exaggeration from your MIL point when she says 'no other nana has to keep to a time schedule' I feel she is just saying it to inflame the emotion of the situation; and create a drama triangle between you, your partner and her.
My mother is part of a grandparent play group, there are some grandparents there that have a child's parent enforced schedule to follow and there are some that don't. most do though
Perhaps you could tell her something along the lines of ' you had your triumphs and failures as a parent, now its our time to create triumphs and of course failures as parents'
That way you can acknowledge that you will undoubtedly make mistakes as a parent (sadly what they may want to hear, and even more to the point the unpleasant truth) and you also let her know that you think she is and has made mistakes as a parent and grandparent.
I sincerely hope you can work it out, for your daughters sake.

Ashley - posted on 04/17/2010

Tell her how you feel and then if she doesn't like it or wont listen to you then tell her that she can only have supervised visits until she is ready to listen to your wishes and do what you want and that it does not matter if she had kids or not that doesn't mean she knows what is right for YOUR child

Karin - posted on 04/17/2010

I completely understand your frustration and fear. My mother-in-law has been banned from babysitting or spending time alone with my son. She has never once adhered to any instructions I've given her, she puts my son in dangerous situations and she is just an irresponsible person. My husband and I made it clear to her a long time ago that we need to be there when she spends time with my son, otherwise she can't see him. That child is not your mother-in-law's child so therefore she does not have the right to make any decisions regarding her. She needs to tell you where she will be and she needs to follow directions and bring your daughter home at the allotted time. If she cannot adhere to these things, then she is not allowed to babysit.

Melissa - posted on 04/16/2010

Hmmm... That is a tuffy! I think all parents have their own way of parenting. But sometimes Grandparents need to listen to their children on the way the children are parenting now a days. Why don't you want your lil girl to nap over at Grandma's? I think if you and your partner both agree to have your daughter home by a certain time, you both should sit down with "nanna" and talk about how you two want to parent and how important it is to you to follow a schedule.

Christi - posted on 04/16/2010

my in laws are the same way. when they do finally see their grandson (about three times a year, their choice, they live seriously three streets over) she would keep my son out long past when i asked him to be home. it finally got to a point where i told her if she was going to watch him, she wasn't allowed to take him anywhere and i took his carseat just to make sure. that is the only thing that keeps her at the house and there when i need to pick him up.

Lyndsay - posted on 04/15/2010

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You're her mother and you have to deal with her the rest of the week, so if you want her to stict to her naptime routine then that is totally okay and completely up to you! Your child, your rules. If she has such a problem with the time schedule then maybe you can suggest she just visit your daughter in the home rather than going out.

Sheri - posted on 04/15/2010

You are the parent, so Nana should respect your wishes. That really is it in a nutcase. Maybe if you talk with her about it not being about scheduling "Nana Time" and more about sleep scheduling. That would help? If that doesn't, then segue into the "I wish you could respect me" talk... I know it's difficult, but anything important tends to be difficult at times. It will make EVERYONE happier in the long run if you can resolve this now ;-) .... good luck

Dawn - posted on 04/15/2010

You need to tell her that you are the mother and she needs to respect your rules. If she cannot then simply make it clear that she will no longer get to take her once a week anymore until she respects your rules. And as far as not knowing how to properly put her in her car seat, she's putting your daughter in danger. God forbid something happens to your little girl is there ever is a car accident!

Joanne - posted on 04/15/2010

I cannot BELIEVE the cheek of her, and the blatant disrespect. If my mother in law touched a hair on my 2 yr olds head I would tell her very firmly not to ever do that again and if she still did there would be fire works. If it gets to that point, tell her this is your child, and you get to say what goes, not her. I understand how hard it is to speak up, as they help us a lot in baby sitting etc but seriously, this is your child, she has had her chance to raise her children the way she wants, this is yours. You must first have a chat to your partner and make sure he is on the same page so he can speak up for you and support you and be firm. I think if my mother in law cut my childs hair after me telling her not to I would stop him from going over for a while because that is total disrespect and my blood wouldbe boiling! Assert yourself girl and don't let her rail road you! She has NO right!!! :S

Teresa - posted on 04/15/2010

The time schedule wouldn't be too big of an issue, but not being properly buckled in her seat is completely unacceptable. Her lying to you or ignoring your questions is also a huge red flag and should not be tolerated.

Jacqui - posted on 04/15/2010

i understand you frustration, i have been in a similar situation but with a diferent problem. I have read the other replies and i would strongly suggest do not stop her from seeing your little one. This is hard on your inlaws but more importantly it is depriving your little girl from a very important relationship.

Seeing their granddaughter from 9am to 1 pm is a little short and i can understand that she may want to do special activities with her that dont fit into this strict time scale or she may want to simply spend more time with her than she is getting. Why doesnt your daughter have her nap at her grans and spend the day there? or, why dont you go with your daughter and spend the day there, so you can make sure she gets down for a nap.

I found that strict routines didn't work for my little one, he has a routine but there is a little leeway. Sometimes he doesnt use up as much energy and isnt tired enough at a certain time so i stick to my routine but i dont put him down for a nap until he is ready.

Monica - posted on 04/15/2010

I made it very clear that i need to where and when my son will be anywhere, i made it clear to both sets of grandparents that he doesnt get alot of sweets. I implied that if they couldnt follow the rules my son will NOT be left with them alone for any amount of time.
You need to let her know that she is crossing the line and if she continues to do so that you will have to take actions to keep your child safe. So far things have been going good since we have those rules in place. you need to worry about the safety of your child including her health babies need sleep. You are her mommy, throw your mommy card down!!!

Jessica - posted on 04/15/2010

Sounds mean but if she cannot go by your wishes then I would put it to a stop until she can agree with you on that

Dawn - posted on 04/15/2010

tell her you are the parent and she follows your wishes or she doesnt have her, doesnt sound like anyone tells her what to do so take a leaf out of her book, stand strong and show your child that no one can push her around.

Stephani - posted on 04/15/2010

This is a difficult situation and becomes incredibly uncomfortable for us mothers but the bottom line is they are OUR children not theirs! We have to learn to be confident with the decisions we make and hope that they are the best decisions we can make for the best interest of our children. Plus if this is your mother in law then I think your husband needs to approach the issue not you. Discuss all of your concerns with him and let him handle it. If things to not begin to work out then guess what Nanna your SOL!