Are there any stay at home moms out there who feel lonely and depressed? I feel very blessed to be able to stay at home with my girl, and I know a lot of mother's wish they were able to do that so I don't take it for granted. I just feel like I'm running in circles and never make any progress in my own life; like I'm just here to add to my husband's life and my daughter's life.

Stephanie - posted on 06/21/2012

I feel the same way sweetie, we don't hardly ever get much company and although I am grateful to be at home with my son I get so very lonely and depressed because he is still so young.

Melissa - posted on 03/17/2009

Jesi,

One of my best friends is a single mom, and I am in awe of her everyday...I don't know how she does it. I'm sooo sorry to hear about your husband, I can't imagine being a new mom and losing my spouse. You must be a very strong woman....I don't think your son will ever look back and think you weren't with him enough...I think he'll be proud of you. My friend's son is 8 and even though she's busy a lot with work and keeping the house up you can tell he really looks up to her and is proud of her, they have a special bond because of it.

Jesi - posted on 03/17/2009

i feel the same loneliness as you guys. but more so i have a guilty feeling. i feel like i spend more time cleaning and other things around the house than i do with my son. my husband died when our son was only 6 months old(hes now 2)so i dont have a  husband whos working that i feel guilty about but that also leaves me to do all the man chores also like taking out the trash and mowing the lawn. by the time he takes a nap i dont have the  energy to even paint my nails. i generaly pass out for and hour or two myself. thanks for letting me vent guys!

Delia - posted on 03/17/2009

I was feeling like I wasn't doing anything while my husband was out working hard every day for us, and I didn't have much enerygy or time to do more than I was, I ended up trying to figure out a way to help out, or do more.....I ended up pushing myself too hard, which lead to me not being careful, which lead to me breaking my foot....so I had to slow waaay down--It was like a sign that I was doing enough, and had to learn that the hard way I guess. Now I make sure nothing bugs me, my kids and I are safe, healthy, and happy...and I can go from there. Enjoy every moment you can with your kids, I am too!

Melissa - posted on 03/17/2009

Quoting Amy:

Hi Melissa, A year after my 2nd child was born (1st was 3 1/2 by then) I found myself angry all the time and just wanting to hide away the day. I suspected I was depressed and not handling things well. Like Lisa I talked to my physician and he suggested anti-depressants. I resisted big time! 6 months later it hadn't gotten any better and my son seemed to be afraid of me whenever I made a sudden move towards him..that made me really sad. I took a few online surveys to see if I might be depressed and they indicated it was a strong possibility. Through my husband's work they offer a free service to employees & their families (EAP) where I got a referral to a psychiatrist/therapist. She asked a few questions and showed me the results, which indicated I was clinically depressed. She confirmed the anti-depressant pills would be a good idea. But more than that, what really stuck, was her comment that "of course you're depressed, you're feeling isolated!" Light-bulb moment! She suggested going out with my husband once a week for a walk or dinner to talk about how I was feeling, finding a group to attend, be it a park group, a church group, a bowling group, a dog-walking group, a bike riding group... Sometimes I still feel like I'm wasting away my days when I'm not "productive enough" (in my own mind), but overall it's getting better. Also, I remind myself that this time isn't going to last forever...pretty soon you will be in a new place - be it potty training, a child who can play on the park equipment rather than just sit in the stroller, preschool, Sunday School, swim lessons... Best of luck, and we're all right there with you!

 

That is exactly how I feel sometimes.  I"ve been on anti-depressants before and I def. don't want to resort to that unless absolutely necessary.  I enjoy the times when my daughter is awake ( not napping or in bed for the night).  We play the whole day and read and she "helps" me clean, but those quiet times when it's just me is when all the sad feelings creep in and I feel envious of all the traveling my friends are doing, or the great careers some of the other moms I know have.  What you say about feeling like I'm "wasting away when I'm not productive enough" is right on for me.  It's good to know I'm not alone in this and it's good to know that you've gotten through it.  Thank you for your advice.

Jennifer - posted on 03/16/2009

Yes I know how you feel. I love being with my son all day, but I feel the same also sometimes. I feel as though I am a maid or something. constantly cleaning, picking up, diapers, laundry, cooking........you get the point. I started to take a little time for myself. I will go to a friends house for a bit and just sit and talk or something to make myself feel that I am a priority again. I feel that moms in general put themselves last...try and put yourself first even if it's once a month.

Amy - posted on 03/16/2009

Aww hon, I know exactly how you feel. Transitioning to being a stay-at-home mom was one of the toughest things I've been through. My daughter is 15 months now (and #2 coming in May) and it's really hard sometimes, feeling isolated and depressed! It was hard too to give up my job, even though I didn't care for it all that much :) At least at work I got to interact with grown-ups on a regular basis and I felt like I was "doing something." (It took me a long time to realize that parenting IS doing something! haha) But I have been making myself get out more often and taking my daughter places where I can connect with other parents. It's helped. Our local YMCA has a two hour "tot time" twice a week that I take her to. You might also want to look into early childhood & family education in your area and other community resources.

Lauri - posted on 11/07/2008

It is VERY important to take care of yourself. Like they say on the airplane: "Put the mask over your own nose and mouth first, then help others." For the very same reason. The more fulfilled you are, the more you have to offer your family. I think its a hard thing for women to do, I'm still struggling on how to do it. I took a stained glass class recently, I'm starting a book project and I am facilitating a monthly networking meeting for people in my PT business. I'm finding ways to feed my soul. One of the simplest things I do is in the evening before bed I have a nice soak or I soak my feet, put lotion on them and then spa socks.

Jennifer - posted on 11/07/2008

I'm also a stay at home mom and i know what your talking about.I'm constantly cleaning and taking care of my daughter,and for some reason it seems like i have to do it all over and over again.I love spending time with my little sidekick but it is very lonley.All you can do is try going for lots of walks with your child,get lots of fresh air.Hope that helps!

Donna - posted on 11/07/2008

I know how you feel melissa.

I have two children one in fulltime school and one at nursery in the afternoon. I love being at home for my kids, But I felt a little isolated until is started talking to mums at school and found a toddler group for my three year old. even just have one or two other mums I can meet up with does help.

Amy - posted on 11/06/2008

Hi Melissa, A year after my 2nd child was born (1st was 3 1/2 by then) I found myself angry all the time and just wanting to hide away the day. I suspected I was depressed and not handling things well. Like Lisa I talked to my physician and he suggested anti-depressants. I resisted big time! 6 months later it hadn't gotten any better and my son seemed to be afraid of me whenever I made a sudden move towards him..that made me really sad. I took a few online surveys to see if I might be depressed and they indicated it was a strong possibility. Through my husband's work they offer a free service to employees & their families (EAP) where I got a referral to a psychiatrist/therapist. She asked a few questions and showed me the results, which indicated I was clinically depressed. She confirmed the anti-depressant pills would be a good idea. But more than that, what really stuck, was her comment that "of course you're depressed, you're feeling isolated!" Light-bulb moment! She suggested going out with my husband once a week for a walk or dinner to talk about how I was feeling, finding a group to attend, be it a park group, a church group, a bowling group, a dog-walking group, a bike riding group... Sometimes I still feel like I'm wasting away my days when I'm not "productive enough" (in my own mind), but overall it's getting better. Also, I remind myself that this time isn't going to last forever...pretty soon you will be in a new place - be it potty training, a child who can play on the park equipment rather than just sit in the stroller, preschool, Sunday School, swim lessons... Best of luck, and we're all right there with you!

Samantha - posted on 11/06/2008

I can defiantly relate to you and this problem. I am a young mother (24) and I have two boys. I have friends but not to many think it is fun to hang out with their only Mom friend. My husband works long hours with the family business. I feel I am taken for granted and I am only here to clean and feed the family. I Just recently decided I was important too. You need to demand your time. You need to make sure you are respected as a mother, wife and Friend. You are the one Holding it all together and your family needs to remember that and Take care of Momma.

Mummy Of 3 - posted on 11/05/2008

hi melissa, Iam a stay at home mum and have been for 4 years now.

Last year we moved house like 5 hrs away and our eldest started kindy so i became completely lost.

So with the help of some friends and hubby i made the decision to study by correspondence to try and fill my already hectic home life.

Iam so glad i did, Still dont get out much and dont have many friends in the new area but all that will change i enrolled at tafe next year to help me step out of my "lonely comfort zone"Take care"..Shannell

Dani - posted on 11/05/2008

Oh I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was very good at my job and was extremely well liked. I loved my job but when I had my second baby we decided since we could not afford daycare that I would stay home. Sometimes I feel really down about it, especially since I feel that my husband takes me for granted. But then when I get hugs and kisses from my babies all of that melts away. Plus I told my husband how I felt and he is getting a LOT better about it. I know I have the rest of my life to work, but these precious years will never be replaced. I have a motto that I try to remember, "No one's tombstone ever says 'Beloved Administrative Assistant'." I hope you feel a little better that you are not alone in feeling down, but what you are doing is the most important job you will ever have.

Lisa - posted on 11/05/2008

Hi Melissa - after reading all the responses, I think everyone has given some good advice and support. One important thing that I would add. It's okay to talk to someone about all these emotions. It took me almost 2.5 years to realize that perhaps I suffered from depression. I talked to my regular physician about it, and she suggested I see a therapist. I felt sick to my stomach admitting these feelings, because I knew I was a smart person and I thought I should be able to figure these things out on my own. I always had a reason for not calling my other mom friends, or not meeting for a play date...whatever. Anyway, I finally went to the therapist and it has helped me tremendously. He is a neutral party who can listen without any expectations or judgments and can then give you the information and tools you need to better yourself. My therapist has also been good at reminding me of many of the things the other moms on here have said.....don't forget about you, do things for yourself, etc. I knew all theses things and told myself, and even my husband told me, but it just helped me to have an "outsider" give me the affirmation and confidence boost I needed. I know everyone's situation is different and we all handle feelings in different ways. Either way, I have found that talking about all these guilty feelings with someone other than my husband has helped tremendously. Don't get me wrong...my husband is a great listener and he supports me as best he can. Sometimes you just need another outlet, you know? Okay...I'm rambling. I just wanted to make the point that it's okay to go to a therapist if you think it's getting bad enough to affect your quality of life - whether with yourself, or your family, whatever. I wish you much luck and take care of yourself....whatever it takes.

Leslie - posted on 11/03/2008

You are definitely not alone in feeling the way you do and then feeling guilty about feeling the way you do. I've been home with my kids for almost 3 yrs now and, like you, I enjoy it, but I used to forget to take time out for myself and that is so key as everyone has mentioned. Even the small things can make you feel better. I made the mistake of not communicating how I was feeling to my husband....not matter how much we wish they could read minds, they can't! ;) Once I let him know how trapped and isolated I felt he was so incredibly supportive AND he would remind me to make time for myself ( I have a real problem putting myself on the back burner...sound familiar?) We are so lucky to be able to stay home with our kids, but we are only human and it's ok to say it's really hard some days. ;) Do something for yourself every single day. Hang in there!

Mary - posted on 11/03/2008

Something that has really helped me is remembering that I can do anything in life, but i can't do EVERYTHING. It's really helped me to lay out my priorities and focus on what is important now. Right now, for me, it is raising our children (2 yr and 1 yr, with more to come). I only have a few years to invest into them, and then they will be in school and sports and whatever else they choose to pursue. I have dreams and goals that I want to accomplish, too, but I will have decades to achieve them. I find that I am a better mother, wife, and person when I focus on the blessings in my life instead of all the things that I'm missing.

Melissa - posted on 11/03/2008

I too am a stay at home mom, My hubby works two jobs because " It's the woman's job to mind the children" He means well, and just wants the best for me, and I love getting to stay home with Sammy, my son. But I had goals and dreams too. Now I don't get any time to myself except when my son goes to bed, and I sleep on the couch. (You know those nights, you love your husband but you are just so worn out and feeling like you don't want to be touched or you might blow!) I am learning to hire a sitter occasionally, or having him plan to watch our son so I can go grocery shopping or on the rare occasion get my hair done. A sitter is a good idea so you can go out with a friend for coffee.

Jennifer - posted on 11/02/2008

Melissa,



I think as stay at homes, we often feel that we are working behind the scenes to make the lives of our family members as wonderful as possible, and at the end of the day...we sometimes feel "empty". I personally left a career that I loved...knowing that doing it benefit my family. After my Mother passed this Spring, I fell into a slump, or my silent depression so to speak. Although it was short lived, it made me realize I to needed to be nourished. I worked it out with my husband so I could get out one night a week for "girl time" for CERTAIN and then have made a point to not only connect with my husband by taking a scheduled date night...but also sneaking away on Saturday mornings for something just for me :) Might be a trip to the bookstore, or a manicure, or a shopping trip. All have helped to enrich my spirit. I also have joined MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) , a playgroup and a bible study. All are activities I get to take my kiddos with, and there I find fellowship with other Stay at Homes in the same boat. It's not that I am no longer making progress in my own life, it is that my life is making progress in a different direction :) And being able to trust your Husband, or a grandparent, or a friend or other family member to watch your kiddo is good not only for you, but wonderful socialization for them :) Don't feel guilty about keeping your soul fed...because when you do it on a regular basis...you are able to give "more" to your family. Hang in there :)

Megan - posted on 11/01/2008

It's really hard, I often feel that way. One thing that I do to help is give myself little projects that I enjoy, like right now I'm making Christmas ornaments. It helps that my daughter has a set bedtime, so I have time for myself. I totally understand. Something else my mom friends do is find mother-kiddo groups in their area.

Shelly - posted on 11/01/2008

I know how hard it is to put myself first. Staying home has been a dream for me. But since my daughter was born 2.5 years ago, I feel so guilty leaving her home with my husband. I know I should find time to do things for myself, but it's hard. My husband works all day and is jealous of all the fun things we do during the day and for him to come home and watch her so I can get a pedicure or do something for myself, makes me feel guilty. But I am trying really hard to not feel that guilt. I have to find time for me or else I will loose who I am and who I was. As a mother you always want what is best for your kids and your family. But remembering to want what it best for yourself is also important. And daddy spending some time with his daughter is not a bad thing. (for either of them. i must remember that!) Thanks for listening.

Melissa - posted on 11/01/2008

It's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I appreciate the suggestions and I'll talk to my hubby see if I can't figure something out.

Brittany - posted on 11/01/2008

Hi Melissa, I too am a stay at home mom, so i know what you are going through. I know i am lucky to stay with my son, and wouldnt change it for the world. Since my son is still young, whenever he takes his nap I have some ME time. I do something for me, even if its as simple as painting my nails! I dont do any cleaning or anything during this time, because its my time. I try and have most of this done in the early am while he is glued to the backyardagins. Also when he goes to bed that is another great time to get caught up on things you want for you!.... My sons bedtime is 8pm, so that leaves me with a decent amount of time to get caught up. And this is a great time to just have a few friends over to have some adult interactions, i know thats what i lack and miss sometimes!!!

Felicia - posted on 11/01/2008

Hi Melissa: Remember to put yourself on the "todo" list. Make some time for yourself to connect with others, play groups, gyms with daycares, tag out with your husband to take a class (Yoga is great!) So many mom's lost themselves in motherhood. Remember what makes you YOU! and give yourself permission to do things you enjoy. Hope this helps!