grandparents

Eliza - posted on 03/19/2010

Hey Leslie,
We are experiencing grandparents trouble as well. My mother-in-law is not involved with my daughter who is 3 yrs old, but is involved with my step-kids who are 7 and 11 years old from a different mother. My parents-in-law watch my step-kids alot and are more involved in their life since the mom always calls and asks for help and not telling my husband about it, and favor them compared to my daughter. My mother-in-law spoils my 11 yr old step-daughter and has bought her a cell phone even though my husband and I forbid it. She also bought her a computer that has internet access and told my step-daughter to make sure not to tell her dad and I. We have a computer at home and we monitor it for her. Unlike when my step-daughter goes to her mom's house - she has no rules or boundaries regarding the computer. She can use it at anytime without asking her mom and we are very concerned about that. The first wife has started a lot of drama between my husband and my mother-in-law, and has said alot of bad-mouthing my husband and I. Now, we are no longer allowed into their home but the first wife hangs out at my in-laws house with the boy friend and sometimes they all go to lunch together with the kids. It's a very uncomfortable situation and a very sad one. Who I feel sorry for the most is my daughter since my parents are not here, they are in a different country so she does not have any grandparents who can show her love and attention or affection. Why do some grandparents choose favoritism and leave other grqandchildren out? I know its a choice they choose but it's sad.

Patricia - posted on 02/13/2009

I completely understand what you are saying Leslie, my husband and I are constantly trying to reinforce our rules to the grandparents. We don't want our daughter to have too much sugar, we'd rather see her eat fruits and veggies as a snack, and we don't want her to become a TV toddler. But it is a constant struggle with trying to lay down my own rules when the grandmothers say, oh its not a big deal or I hate it when she's upset. I have actually tried to reinforce to my daugther that mommy and daddy make the rules and that she should always check with us, this seems to be eliminating the grown up arguments but its always something to look out for.. We live with my inlaws and my husband did have to sit down with his mom and discuss that we wish our rules to be followed and that our daughter does not need everything that she thinks she does. I completely feel your pain, different generations but none the less it feels like undermining.

Maude - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Angie:

My mom knows that if she does not respect my wishes when it comes to my daughter that she will not have any alone time with her. I suggest you and your spouse sit down and have a long talk with the grandparents and let them know how you feel. It's not fair for them to undo everything that you have done.

I agree, their grandparents should respect your desion as a parent, or they just don't get alone time. my son spends the nights i work with his grandparents and they will not allow anything i wouldn't allow and we agreed to this when he was born.

Hayley - posted on 02/13/2009

my daughter is 2 and a half, i have split up with her dad as he went to hit my mum when she was 4 days old, my parents are great with her, but his mum is not, she takes over all the time, she even gives my daughter chocolate biscuits for her breakfast when she sleeps at her dads, and it really annoys me, but there is nothing that i can do about it as i cant talk to her cos she will have a go at me

Azhani - posted on 02/12/2009

Hmm... My in-law always wanna feed my son cakes & etc when he is there.. N if he being naughty, me or hubby would sound him & they will say nevermind. When he fight back,they laugh.

Nw my son is getting naughtier when ever we go there as he already know who is the weakest,all they do is shake their head. So now,I play a time-table of when to go to their house eventhot we stay like 10-15mins walk... When ever my hubby is around we go there 2gether.

Juliette - posted on 02/12/2009

I respect you for standing up for yourself and your children. The minute I wan't to say something to them they give me the silent treatment, and what makes it worse, I don't have my husbands support when it comes to that matter. My in-laws visit us about once a week, and I'm really starting to get worked up about this.

Well, good luck to you on the situation.

Christina - posted on 02/12/2009

Thank god I am not the only one going through this! And it seems like most of you are dealing with the in-laws being a pain, as am I. My parents are usually pretty good at respecting my decisions, but once and awhile they do do the 'grandparent' type thing and give them what they want when they want.

Most of the time I am with the kids when the grandparents are around. When my mom for example, gives my oldest (5) a treat when she isnt allowed to have them I have gone and taken it from my daughter told her i was sorry i have to be the bad guy and told my mom to smarten up.



My in-laws though, uuuughhh! I want to pull my hair out just thinking about them. Im sure you've all seen the show everybody loves raymond, Rays mom is my mother in law! lol. Only difference is she doesnt live across the street and has only been to our house many a handful of times in the last 5.5 years we've lived here.

When I say no, she says yes. When I say no sweets, she says lets give them sweets. When I say No a baby cant have a taste of COFFEE, she says Oh no harm done and gives my baby coffee. EVERYTHING I say she does the opposite, doesnt matter what it is. Like 'Rays mom' if I buy new clothes she puts them down in some way, if I get a new hair cut she has something to say aobut it too. I buy the girls cute new dresses, she thinks they look terrible.

Ohhhhh and the best one yet!! I tell her 'Make sure you do NOT give Malory peaches, she is allergic to them' She gives her peaches!! Then I end up stuck at home with Malory for a few days while she throws up and has huge hives all over her body.

She was about to give Malory a fruit cup one day, and my brother in law told her 'Malorys allergic to peaches' as he was walking out the door. What does she do, she takes the peaches out and gives it to her. The peach juice is still in there!!

I have done ALOT for this women, and feel like I am CONSTANTLY being disrespected by her. She seems to think she can buy my love and respect, but it doesnt work that way. I am sooo sick and tired of it.

My husband didnt want to talk to her, he has confronting his mom cause shes 'always right' and there is no being right yourself when talking to her. So i took matters into my own hands, my own way. I no longer let her babysit. I no longer let her take Malory to the cabin for the weekend. Malory no longer has sleep overs unless my brother in law is going to be home (he is a single dad and has dealt with her BS so when he is home and Malory is there he sticks up for my rules). Basically she is never left alone with my children unless my husband, brother in law or myself are with her.

I did it casually, and never bothered to talkto her about it. Because like i said therse no 'winning' with her.

It seems to have worked for us a bit. When shes with the kids and we are there we take things away before the kids even see them (like when we see her going for a chocolate bar for Malory when she cant have it we take it from her before she can even show it to Malory). Seems to be all we can do for now.



Thankfully I can talk with my parents and 99% of the time they respect what I have to say and my rules.



Juliette, we have the same problem with the punishing. I will be talking with my daughter and punishing her and her grandparents will step in and go in a whole different direction then i was going with her. When they have picked heru p and taken her away from me I ahve gone and grabbed her right out of there arms and told them dont ever do that again. They dont take her form me anymore, but they try talking to her and be all nicey and i flat out tell them to close there mouths and walk away.

hate being mean but sometimes thats just the way its gotta be.

Juliette - posted on 02/12/2009

I've got two boys, 2 1/2years and 6months. I'm in the same mess as you, and I just don't know what to do anymore. My husbands parents will give my 2 1/2 year old cake for breakfast. The one time he was sick during the night and threw up twice, in the morning at 6:00am, I told the grandparents he is sick, at 7:00am when I got out of my room grandpa gave him chocolate for breakfast! And when he is naughty and I'm punishing him, grandpa will come and take him away from me while I'm busy with his punishment. When I try to talk to my husband about it, we fight, in his eyes his parents can't do anything wrong. Infact, he encouraged them to spoil some more, told them its what grandparents should do, the more they spoil, the better. Sorry I don't have any advice for you, but you are definitely not alone. Hope you get a solution to your problem.

Leslie - posted on 02/12/2009

thanx for the advice ladies.

Jolene - posted on 02/11/2009

My parents always respect my husband and I wishes. My mother in law on the other hand would always let my toddler eat snack food all day long she would even go so far to come into my house and take my son off of time out itr made me soooo angry. I tried talking to her many times. She would never listen to me. Our son was turning into a monster. My husband finally told her that if she wanted to spend time with our son than she had to respect our rules. If she didn't then she wouldn'y be able to spend time with him. She got the point.

Sarah - posted on 02/11/2009

I have that problem with my parents. Mainly my mom. I had tryed talking to her but turned out I had to be firm. If she tried doing something and I was there I would have to snap and set things straight. I also stopped going to her house as much, I told her when you can listen to what I have to say when it comes to my child then we will come over more again. That also helped. Harsh but it helped. In the long run they will understand. Now my mom obeys what I say as the parent. good Luck!!

Debi - posted on 02/11/2009

^^^  That was good advice about writing the letter. I think I'm going to try that with my MIL. Because she just doesnt get it, so maybe if she has a letter to look at she will stop interupting and trying to point out my flaws and actually hear what I'm trying to say.

Nicole - posted on 02/10/2009

Hi, I have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter and a 5 month old daughter. Their Grandma is wonderful to them and I know she loves them but like you seems to not care what I have set up. She used to pick them up in the middle of a nap and mess that up. The latest thing she did what feed my 4 mo old solid foods when I wasn't around after I said I wasn't ready to start (because we were on vacation). Shes constantly telling me that my decisions, in all areas not just parenting, are bad even if it's not straight out but in little put downs and negative about everything. Very exhausting.

I talked to a professional for advice and to find out why I was avoiding confruntation by not bring things up at the time and building stress till a big fight happened. She suggested that since my Mom doesn't seem to hear what I am saying and gets into arguments when I try to talk to her in person to writing a letter (snail mail) to her. This way she cna pick the time and place to read it and if she gets mad I am not there to get yelled at and she can calm down on her own.

Then bring up the little things. What it has come down to is limited visitations and she's not allowed to be alone with the girls. My husband and I decided that we just have to say this is the deal and follow it or we can't visit.

We need to stick to what is best for our family and let Grandparents know that we love them but if they can't follow our way then they can't be apart of it.



If things aren't that bad and you have no problem with them being alone together a great way to do things is they have to follow your rules all the time. But they can have one special day that they can spoil them but let them no if you are against sugar or something specific.



Good Luck

Joanne - posted on 02/10/2009

Hi Leslie, I lived with my in laws and feel your pain!! My husband dealt with it as it was his parents. He just flat out told his mother that WE were the parents and what We says goes. Don't be rude, but be firm.

Debi - posted on 02/10/2009

Yeah, we have tried telling her, but she looks at us like we're nuts. I'm beginning to think its a losing battle and just pray she moves soon.

Amber - posted on 02/10/2009

yes, my mom was bad about giving my almost 2 yr old son candy, soda whatever if it had sugar she gave it to him then send him home and he wouldnt go to bed or would wake up alot during the night. i guess she figured since she didnt have to deal with him it wasnt a big deal. but i pretty much just tell her straight out not to give him stuff that i dont want him to have.

Leslie - posted on 02/10/2009

Wow, having her live with you makes my problem sound like not such a big deal. Have you tried explaining the negative effects this problem could possible cause down the road?

Debi - posted on 02/10/2009

I have the exact same problems with my sons grandmother, and to make it worse, She lives with us! My husband has tried talking to her, since its his mother I felt it would be easier coming from him and then I have even tried to approach the situation in my own softy way. It seems to help for a month or so, but then we are right back to where we started and my husband and his mother are fighting and her and I are not speaking. Its a mess and I really dont know what advise to tell you since I don't know what to do myself. But youre not alone and I hope things get better.

Leslie - posted on 02/10/2009

Thank-you, it's nice to know other people feel the same as we do. We have had countless talks with them, which just seem to turn to fights, and then nothing really changes. Maybe the no alone time will send a better message.

Angie - posted on 02/09/2009

My mom knows that if she does not respect my wishes when it comes to my daughter that she will not have any alone time with her. I suggest you and your spouse sit down and have a long talk with the grandparents and let them know how you feel. It's not fair for them to undo everything that you have done.