how can i control my 3 year old ?

Jenni - posted on 09/03/2011

2-3 years old is the age of Independence. It's when children are identifying themselves as a seperate being from their mother. So with this comes the "I do it myself" or "I want to do it my way" or "I don't *have* to do that."



So you have to get tricky. Give her that independence when it is safe or when it isn't disrespectful. Allow her choices and freedom over the little things. Do you want the blue cup or green one? Do you want to colour or play plahdoh? You can't say 'no' to question that doesn't require a yes or no answer. Allow her to feel she is in control in some aspects of her life.



Distraction and Redirection. If she is jumping on the couch, instead of saying "No we don't do that."

Say: "Wow! Great jumping! But we don't jump on the couch we may break it or fall off and get hurt. How about we jump on the floor and I'll jump with you!"

Or

"Wow! Colouring looks like fun! How about we colour after lunch!"

Or

"Maybe we'll do that later today!"



If you don't want getting dressed up for debate, pose the request like this: "Time to get dressed! (not up for debate) Would you like to wear the pink shirt or this white one? (the choice). Again, you can't say no to a question that doesn't have a yes or no answer. ;)



When she yells you say: "I'm sorry hun, I can understand you when you yell, I will help you when you can ask nicely and use manners" and then ignore her until she can.

When she does say it politely and with manners (of course teach her the correct tone and manners to say). Say "Wow! that was so polite! Of course mommy will help you!"

But when she doesn't ask nice, you play dumb and you don't understand or you can't hear her. ;)



I always instruct my children on what behaviour will be expected of them in public before we get out of the car. I keep it simple and usually give them 3 rules in public.

Remember kids we:

Use quiet voices in the store.

We stay close to mommy and daddy.

We do not whine.

I also ask them what is expected of them in public to make sure they understand.

If they do not listen to these simple rules... we will leave momentarily.



If she acts out in the store. Say a tantrum. Remove her. Take her outside the store, or to the car, or to a quiet bathroom. Say: "I see you're really upset right now. And we will wait here until you calm yourself down."



Avoid the "I wants, I wants". You're grocery shopping and she has fits over toys and candy. These are things I'm famous for telling my kids:

"Oh wow, that sure is a cool toy! Do you think you might get one for Christmas?"

"Mmmm Candy! I love candy too... I bet you're going to get tons of sweets at Nana and Papa's this weekend!"

"That's not on sale right now. Perhaps it will be next week and we'll get some then."



I don't usually buy them things when we shop and remind them what we are at the story to buy. We are not here to get candy or toys, I'll remind them.

I also give them choices over certain foods. "Would you like fish crackers or penguin crackers this week?"

Keep talking to her throughout the trip and play games like I spy. Have her help find items for you and help you shop.



My son is ultrasensitive too. I emphasis teaching him to 'calm himself down'. And to relax and breathe. Calm yourself down first and then I will help you. I cannot help you when you're crying, must be stressed.



But in appropriate situations provide comfort. Like if something scary happens to her or she hurts herself. Or experiences a great disappointment. But avoid rewarding her when it's over issues of not getting her way, or frustration. She probably won't want comfort during those times anyways. These are times I find my children push me away. So it's best to teach them how to calm themselves through techniques like;

deep breathing

counting to ten

walking away and take a break

squeezing a stuffed animal

stomping feet

jumping jacks



anything that helps her to release the stress. Once she is calm, help her solve the problem and praise her for releasing her strong emotions in a productive, appropriate manner.



Also apply logical consequences or consequences that fit the crime:

If she makes a mess, she has to clean it up. If she refuses, she is stuck. She is not allowed to engage in another activity until she is finished.

If she is throwing a toy and risks breaking it, it goes back on the shelf for a few minutes.

If she does break it beyond repair, have her throw it in the garbage.

If she isn't playing nice with her friends or other kids at the park after a warning, you take her home.

Always count to 3 or 5 even. To give her a chance to make the right choice. The warning should go something like this: "You can either play with the toy gently or we can put it back on the shelf, your choice." Then count to 3 or 5 to give her time to make her choice.



Always get down to her eye level when speaking to her. Take her to a quiet place to talk. Use a low whisper voice when speaking to her about her behaviour. For some reason children pay more attention this way. Ask her questions about her behaviour. Provide alternate solutions to problem solving.

Example: What could you have done instead of yelling at Kevin when you wanted to go on the swing? You could have asked him politely to take turns with you. Now let's go ask him kindly if he will take turns with you.



Praise behaviour you like to see, while ignoring negative attention seeking behaviours as long as they are not damaging property or harming others. If they are, remove her to a quiet location where she can work out her frustrations without harming anything or anyone. Give her a teddy bear to squeeze or something appropriate to vent her frustrations.



Model behaviour. Any behaviour you want your daughter to exhibit. Show her how by modelling the behaviour yourself. Teach her how adults use manners, point out manners in other people. Instruct her in public. "We have to move out of the way so that lady can get by." "Say excuse me".

Show her how to appropriately deal with feelings of anger, sadness, frustration and disappointment. Announce when you need a time out because you're angry/frustrated. Count to ten out loud when you're angry/frustrated. Don't tell her you're angry with her. Always say "I'm angry that you are not listening to me." Concentrate on the behaviour/situation. Not the child as a person. She is not a bad child, but all children exhibit bad behaviour.



Point out positive and negative behaviours in other children. "Wow that was very kind of Sally to share her grapes with you! Say thank you Sally!"

"See those other kids climbing up the slide. We don't do that because it's dangerous and the other children can't take their turn. We go up the ladder."



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