How do I teach my son to stop hitting other kids

Shasta - posted on 06/21/2012

my son just started hitting other kids also.. and its not out of anger or frustration he just walks up and hits and i dont know why!! and on top of that it doesnt help that another mom in my moms club pretty much tells me i must fix it or othere kids will run away from him and he is such a sweet boy i think it is cause we lived witha five year old that hit really bad and he doesnt under stand

Nancy - posted on 07/22/2010

Ty girls I'm working on it and what I do is sit down with him look in the eye explain him why is not good hug him and tell him that I want him to be a good boy then if keep doing it he gets time out so he sits down looking to a door for 3 minutes but keep standing so I put him back for another minute until he finish and he comes and says I'm sorry but his miss behaving so bad in the way he wants to scream at me 24/7 at home and I'm the one who has to control and not scream him back or spank him but sometimes gets me on my nerves and I walk out to the other room grrr I love him so I want to teach him the right way to respect and be nice

Olwen - posted on 07/21/2010

I agree with the other women, how can you possibly scold a child for hitting with spanking. It just seems so silly and a complete contradiction. You just send mixed signals to your child. Also, sending them to their bedroom which is full of toys doesn't seem like that much of a punishment to me, that's why the naughty spot works. It's not meant to entertain them. the only way is to use a calm low voice, try not to hold them, just let them stand in front of you because do you listen to someone who is restraining you. NO. I think the hardest thing is that doing it this way takes time and patience and it's a harder solution than anything else because you have to put the effort in. My little girl is doing the exact same at the moment, except she's slapping myself and my husband. She picked it up kindy because she never did this once before then. That's the most frustrating part because you can't control what happens when they are at day care but she' certainly is not allowed do it at home

Shirley - posted on 07/21/2010

My daughter had the same problem, except she was hitting my husband and I rather than other kids. So, we started time out with her where I will tell her to sit on the sofa or anywhere to calm down and breath deep like in the show, Ni Hao Kai Lian. Sometimes, I will sit together with her and hold her and breath together with her and then we will talk about why she was on time out and hitting is bad. That's how we managed to get her hitting under control.

Clare - posted on 07/20/2010

I found a way of dealing with inappropriate behaviour with my little one. I always stay calm, and the madder I get with her, the calmer and slower and quieter I talk. That way, we're not having an argument and there's no screaming - just firm, consistent direction. If she continues to misbehave, I take her out of the situation, wait for her to calm down and then we talk about what she has done that's wrong. Her biggest punishment is being made to leave a situation thats fun, or having to go away somewhere on her own so usually the threat of telling her she has to stop or she must go away is enough to make her behave. And she knows now that when I lower my voice and talk very firmly she's in big trouble, and that in itself is now usually eought to control her behaviour. But I have always been consistent about what I will and will not tolerate, and I have always carried out my threats (Ie, if you don't stop yelling, we will leave the park) so she knows she's can't get away with it. Its a learning curve for all of us, but like others have said, consistency and firmness will pay in the end. Good luck!

Sequoia - posted on 07/16/2010

...opps, if you are at home and he keeps getting out of time out then perhaps the friend needs to go home and he will start to understand that if he cant play nice with his friends then he or they have to leave

Sequoia - posted on 07/16/2010

You gotta decide what you are going to do...and stick to it. Consistency gets the point across at this age. If you arent consistent.....then it doesn't stick. It has to be the same....repetitive..over and over and over. I would try the time-out again. When he hits...no matter what you are doing put him in time out..not for long (30 seconds works for my daughter) take him by the hand and say "sit here and do not get up." Don't use any other words. If he gets up, reapeat. If he keeps it up then maybe its time to go home. it seems mean but it won't take long. All I have to say to my daughter is "do you want to go sit right now" and most of the time she just stops what she is doing. She is 2 1/2 and we haven't had the hitting spell yet but I am sure it is coming. I am sure you have heard that its a phase.

Shaunna - posted on 07/15/2010

I agree with the time out. It may take time but just make sure he knows he's in trouble. Separate him from the other kids, turn him to face a wall or corner, whatever it takes to make him understand. I know how you feel about the screaming. I do it too and i hate it because that seems like all i do and it hurts me i think more than him

Kim - posted on 07/15/2010

The solution for us was this. You go up to the child and hold his wrists firmly, look into his eyes and calmly tell him "Hitting is NOT OK. You must use gentle hands". When you tell him gentle hands, stroke his arm to show him what gentle hands are.

This actually a method used in Daycares.

Tracie - posted on 07/14/2010

"We must be kind to our friends, it's fun to have fun!" (distraction...change subject) "Gentle hands, darling..." (After too many instances...) "oh- you don't feel like playing nicely?, lets go home then..." Best thing to do is BE THERE, watch for the signs of it coming- you can see it in their face and body language, I call it the 'Mommy Eagle Eye' Catch him before he does it with a "Wait!" or use their Name- or say Stop! (predict what they want...) "Would you like a turn with that toy?, Lets ask John if he'll give it to you when he's finished..." and so on. I love this age, they are little thugs aren't they? haha- Don't tell him he's naughty- praise him when he's gentle and kind, and talk about his and your feelings with him, there's some really cool kids books on feelings, ask your local librarian for books on the subject to read to him, and try not to stress too much- He's a 3 year old! I'm sure he's lovely really- keep telling him he is :-)

Justine - posted on 07/14/2010

Well don't hit him back, because thats just showing him its ok to hit. Explain to him, in a calm manner, that it hurts the other children and they don't like it and if he continues they won't want to play with him anymore. If he continues to hit them start putting him in time out or taking him home or sending his friends home and tell him they can't come back until he learns to keep his hands to himself.
I watch my sisters three children plus my two and sometimes their friends and I've learned that children respond much better to a calm voice then they do to a screaming parent. Good luck!

Marcy - posted on 07/14/2010

Avoid spanking (or little hit whatever you called it) its a contradiction don't you think? Take his hands in yours when he does it, get down at his level and tell him if he hits again you are going home. If he does it, get in the car and leave. You also need to tell him over and over again to give hugs or handshakes but no hitting. My son is turning 4 in a few weeks and when he is mad he tends to hit. I do what I said above and I will also take him, put him on the sofa or his bed, get down at his level and stick my finger in his face and tell him 'Absolutely not. When you are ready to behave like a nice man you let me know." Then, I walk away. I find he does this when he is exhausted or hungry....

Amanda - posted on 07/14/2010

Forget timeouts, if he hits he no longer gets to play with his friends. Remove him, take him home, at age 3 he can handle a real punishment. If he is already home, then send him to his bedroom, and keep the punishment the same everytime. Tell him why hes being punished, and remind him before a play date what happens when he hits other children.

Hayley - posted on 07/14/2010

I would say its the same thing. Toddlerdom starts at 1 and usually finishes when they go to school. Keep up with the time outs....he should understand more why he is there. Its hard I know...I have just had a time out with mine and 20 times I had to put her back in there. other things I would suggest is get his hearing checked. A friend of mine had some trouble like this and they went to the doctors - they found that the child was going deaf and this was a natural reaction to what was happening. (not saying that is the case all the time!!!!) I would say if he knows what he is doing, ask him why is doing it and take it from there.

Nancy - posted on 07/14/2010

my son had a small stage of hitting when he was 11 months but is b uz they can not express them selfs and they see they get attention that way I understand that part and I try to put more attention at his expression but now he is big and he understands a lot and he knows how to express him self.

Nancy - posted on 07/14/2010

Sorry my son just turn 3 last month and I want him to be good with every one and don't get me wrong he is a great kid but this past 2 or 3 weeks has been terrible

Hayley - posted on 07/14/2010

I hear you Nancy. How old is he? My 19 month old has gone through this 'testing the boundaries' and you have to be firm- you are doing the right thing with time out. As hard as it is try not to react to the hitting - ie shout etc.With mine, I did the same - gave her a tap back then put her in a time out. When she wanders out of time out put her back and told her why she was there. When time out had finished I tell her again why she was there ask for a sorry- cuddle, then its forgotten. Its harder when you are out. I have only had this once with mine. I was in a shop, and she was slappping my legs. I held her wrist, got down to her level and told her in a very firm voice- not shouting- to 'stop it now' this was proceeded by a full tantrum. Again I ingored her until I had paid for the groceries, and I literally carried her out of the shop under my arm, not reacting in anywayor speaking to her. Beleive me I wanted to die of embarassment but I got her to the car and told her off. You just have to be firm and consistant. Time out works wonders but you have to you consistant with it. As for the friends I am sure in their own time they will stand up to him and it will stop. I have the opposite issue. My little one won't hit another child but won't stand up for herself!!! Keep being consistant. I say to mine 3 times what I want them to do, if they don't I say Mummy is getting angry now and most of the time she does as I tell her. If she doesn't - its time out. She can calm down and more importantly so can I. Hope this has helped a little. Hxx

Nancy - posted on 07/14/2010

he is terrible and nothing work, I have try time out, talking to him, washing his face, yelling and a little spank and it does not work and sometimes he gets so mad and wants to hit me 2 but he knows better grrr what to do? it brakes my heart screaming at him all the time.