How do you get your kids to stop whining, accept no for an answer, and not feel the need to get the last word in?

Sarah - posted on 07/31/2012

Thanks Samantha... I think thats what I need to do... Last night we had a perfect night... well for her. She did have a few not so appropriate reactions but she was able to stop herself and get into control. I think whats hard for me is her dad and I are divorced. He is very manipulative, can't accept no for an answer, has little self control, reacts instead of responds, etc... My daughter is only 3 and I know all of these qualities are age-appropriate and parents are responsible to teach them how to overcome this.... but when I see a grown man still act like that and obviously my daughter is half of him.... it terrifies me! haha I am determined to make sure my daughter doesn't end up acting like this in her 30s!

Samantha - posted on 07/30/2012

I agree with Elfrieda, give her the responsibilty of doing the things she can do herself. If she gets the idea that she can 'fix' something herself, she might learn that its not such a big deal. Tell her how strong and smart she is and that she can pick her crayon up, its not big deal. And yes, definitely chores. 3 yr olds are VERY capable and now is the time to get her involved in the day to day running of the household. She will benefit from working alongside you, it will improve your relationship, and she will learn valuable skills. Don't let this time pass you by, they can help lay the table, even help to prepare vegies if well supervised. If you don't get these things happening for her soon, she will pass the age where they want to help and it will be much harder to get her to learn those things.
Also, one of the things I love to say to my kids when they over react or whine is "mummy's ears can't hear whining/screaming" and I carry on with what I am doing. You've trained her well in what she needs to say if she needs help, she already knows what to do, so you should be able to respond in manner like this and she can alter her behaviour without being reminded what to say.
My kids are 7, 5 and 4 and I find their reactions to being hurt or to frustration because something isn't going their way are often overly heightened, and I am currently trying to get them to bring their reaction down to an appropriate level. I am spending time saying, you're ok, just pick yourself up and brush yourself off. My middle daughter always needs a hug after she's hurt herself, but I am currently not letting her have the hug until she has calmed herself to an appropriate level for the injury incurred, otherwise they run to me with blood curdling screams for the most minor of bumps.
She's also old enough to have tv or those other things, only once the chores are done. You could 'pay' her in time on those things. If she behaves badly over anything then ban something completely for the day whether she does her chores or not.

Kelina - posted on 07/30/2012

sedate them? If you can actually figure it out let me know my son is the same way. He never used to be, he'd whine occasionally but then it exploded. He's been getting better with turning off the computer but woe betide you if you need to look something up while he's watching cartoons. You are most definitely not alone!

Sarah - posted on 07/30/2012

Maybe I will give her a lot more responsibility... thats a good idea! I am always worried that she isn't challenged enough at school, etc. but maybe I am not challenging her enough at home. She is the only one... so I don't even have her pick up her play room. I do it while she naps. Maybe, its time for chores! haha Its funny though because I have asked her to do things from time to time for me and she always says without skipping a beat, without looking up. Sorry, Mom, but I am really busy with my homework right now. She has no older siblings... I have no idea where she gets this stuff.

Elfrieda - posted on 07/30/2012

Wow, that sounds really frustrating! Just a few ideas: give her lots more responsibility, like never pick up her crayon because "you're a big girl and I know you can do it", don't help her with something if you know she can do it, just coach her and encourage her that she is smart, she can figure it out. Then make "negotiating" a punishable offense. If mom says no, and she says, "but just 5 more minutes?" then she gets no screen time for the rest of the day. (warn her first that you're going to do it this way, but then stick to it) I'd also get in the habit of warning her a few minutes in advance so that she has some time to come to terms with turning it off or leaving the party or putting away the toys or whatever, and then keep yourself accountable, too. (don't say "we're leaving in 5 minutes" and then chat with her friend's mom for 20 minutes or she won't be able to trust that you mean what you say)



This is just me making stuff up, so take what you want from it. :) I have a 2 year old who doesn't whine and I'm very glad, because that is pretty much the worst sound in the world for me. I'm not sure if it's because my son is just naturally less whiny than other kids, or because it's such a priority for me that I jump on any whining from him immediately to try to make that behaviour stop.



Something that your daughter might be too old for, but works very well for my son, is the phrase, "So-and-so says no/yes". So he asks for a cracker, I think about it, then I say, "Yes, you can have three crackers. Mommy says yes." and then he wants a ride on the riding lawn mower and my husband is in a hurry and says no, not this time, then I clarify. "Daddy says no. No ride today." I think because he gets a lot of yeses (just like all kids do, but the phrasing makes it clear to his little mind), he can handle the nos more easily. He will often have a tantrum, but that's normal, he's disappointed and doesn't know how to handle it because he's only two. I just tell him, "I know. You are crying. You're sad because Daddy said no. No ride." Usually he will calm down soon and sniffle, "No ride." Then I try to do something else that he likes, "Do you want to play with playdough?" "playdough?" "Yes. Mommy says yes!" "yes playdough. no ride." "That's right, yes playdough, no ride."