How do you know when to give up?

Cynthia - posted on 05/14/2009

Thank you all. We are in church and have been since the anger of the split subsided. He had a car wreck that put him on life support for a bit and while my daughter and I were already back in church, he asked if he could join us...so now it's a family affair! We haven't been able to talk much and won't be able to see each other for a few more weeks, but I have told him that if he ever plans to keep his family together that he's going to have to get some drastic help. I love him, but I love our kids more and this is something I can't help him with. He says he's getting the help, but we'll see in time I guess!

Jen - posted on 05/13/2009

Talk to him and see if he would agree to some type of counseling. It sounds like he just needs to work out his issues on his own, but with support from you and his family. Also remember not to expect for you to change him (I'm not trying to sound rude) he has to change on his own. You do have to consider the safety of yourself and children as well so if he ever gets out of hand it's time to back out. Your mommy instincts will kick in and let you know what is right and what isn't. If you choose to give him another chance then make sure that if it doesn't work out you have a back up plan. I wish you the best of luck.

Joy - posted on 05/13/2009

Hi Cynthia,

I haven't ever been in your shoes, but reading your story struck a chord in my heart. I just wanted to ask if you have ever considered counseling? With an impartial person, seperate and together sessions, you may both be able to work through some issues that you maybe don't even know exist. Sounds like he definitely needs some kind of help. I know when my previous marriage was on the rocks, we went to counselling. For us, it only showed us that we were better off apart...but at least we knew we had done everything possible to save our relationship before we walked away. I'll keep you in my prayers. Hope this helps. Let us know.

Timmi - posted on 05/13/2009

I agree with the above posts, church is a wonderful place to start finding answers. I realize we all want that wonderful family life with a mommy and daddy the kids and the dog with the white picket fence, but is it worth it to have yourself and your girl suffer? You are a strong woman, and if you don't think you are you tell yourself that you are and as you said "he is a good man with some issues to work out" step back and let him work out his issues, he needs to see that if these issues persist he may lose you and his family, stepping back and letting him see that may help, but it's ultimately up to him to fix them not you, the best you can do is support him as a friend not as his significant other. If it's meant to be you'll end up back together if not, that someone is out there for both of you.

Esther - posted on 05/13/2009

Hi Cynthia - it sounds like your partner has a lot of growing up to do still. I want to be careful in what I say because I have no doubt that you are trying to do the right thing and that you are doing the best you can, but it seems to me that maybe you two moved a little too fast with having babies before you were completely ready, relationship-wise and certainly in terms of your boyfriend's maturity level. If you boyfriend has a drinking problem, he needs to address that first and foremost. Right now, your responsibility is to your children and they need stability in their lives. So yes, I would agree with your family that I think you need to walk away from the relationship at least for a while (a while being at least a year if you ask me and even then you should only consider getting back with him IF he has gotten his act together). That does not mean that you need to cut him out of your children's lives (although he can obviously never be drunk around them and may need to be supervised during visitations) but it does mean that you should not have any romantic involvement with him and that there have to be very strict boundaries. You need some distance from him and from the relationship so you can see things clearly and so you can try to get some peace in your daughter's life. You are pregnant so you don't need stress in your life right now. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter and cut out the drama. Good intentions do not make a healthy relationship.

Caroline - posted on 05/13/2009

Hi Cynthia, you are reliving my life 6 years ago, you know what. Are you a christian, God Knows the best option for you, because he knows the future. You may not see the answer then but ultimately God will work out a plan that will suit the babies, yourself and yourlove. Make sure you also get to define your relationship. commitment is always two way. God bless you