Kerri - posted on 09/22/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )
okay okay- I really hate my mother in law... well she isn't really even that.
Due to financial hardship, my boyfriend and I aren't married yet. My daughter is 2.5 and every bit of money we had pretty much went on her and college. We both graduated with B.A.s in May. Now we were even forced to move in with his parents while we look for jobs. I like his dad. NOT his mother. It has been especially stressful lately (even MORE so in the last couple days without my anxiety medication and with added withdrawal from it, namely IRRITABILITY right now...)
I help where I can. I don't like most of her cooking but I don't complain. She drinks a 'bucket' of scotch EVERY night. Usually beginning around 5pm but sometimes earlier. She repeats herself, confabulates... it's the beginning of Korsakoff's syndrome if you ask me... She smokes a pack a day. I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. I told her I don't want her smoking around my daughter. THAT didn't go over well but at least now she smokes in the garage...
She acts like she works around the house ALL day and no one cares about how much she does- but it's pretty messy usually. For example, I recently cleaned her basement. There were OVER 200 empty detergent bottles surrounding the washing machine and ironing board, coupled with lint sheets and empty dryer sheet boxes all over the place. You couldn't even WALK down there. That was just half of the basement-- the other half was empty Schwann's boxes and bags and crud around the freezer. I'm not exaggerating when I say you-could-not-walk-down there, at least not without trampling over tons of garbage...
Saying that, she does keep up with laundry and cooks dinner every night. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that she is helping us out. She got laid off long ago- probably around when her 2nd son, now 22, was born. But they 'make do' with the father's pay. He's a private consultant of some sort. He has supported all of us PLUS her lifestyle (Las Vegas 2-3x year, smoking, drinking, different outfit every day, expensive taste, etc.) She's what you would call 'high maintenance' while he is more 'down to earth'. I don't get it... ANYWAY.
She's constantly on our case about getting jobs because 'SHE' can't support us anymore- she's sick of it. And 'we don't appreciate her and all SHE's done for us'... I've noticed she has only gone to vegas once in the last 6 months- oh no! ... Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for a roof over my head, food on the table, etc. etc. BUT the nagging, the attitude, the telling us and our daughter what to do... and it is her husband supporting us if you want to be technical. I mean, I can't say she didn't have some kind of money saved up and it is none of my business. BUT...
We are doing all that we can. My boyfriend got a small job working at a bowling alley a few days of the week. Not enough to support us but we are still putting out apps, etc. Hey- the job market SUCKS right now!
I know that it is fairly common to have a bad relationship with your in-laws. But that's not it. We just don't get along. I came from a family that was poor and never had much. She comes from the opposite spectrum. That's not the problem. I can agree to disagree. I even tried to bond with her. It worked for awhile. She took me to get my nails done, my hair cut, eyebrows waxed. It was all nice but I decided I couldn't do it anymore. She drives me nuts! I would rather do without all of those things than have to put up with her.
The real problem is that she doesn't think we can parent our daughter. She butts in ALL the time. About a month ago we had a big fight and told her- she needs to stop butting in. She isn't the mother. She yells at our daughter constantly. Kelly doesn't even like her-- is that the kind of relationship you want with your granddaughter? Sometimes, when it is time for bed, Kelly cries if we tell her to hug her grandmother. I don't blame her. But I don't want that for my daughter. I want stability and we don't have that right now. She has her g.pa wrapped around her little fingers and they have a great relationship. It's a shame. Mrs H made her husband quit smoking and drinking, and he has become a better person. But she still drinks. And smokes. And... well I think you have an idea.
Just a few hours ago, I told my daughter to go to bed. Once she laid there quietly for a few minutes, I would come read her a book, tuck her, etc. But that wasn't good enough for Mrs H. I was doing it all wrong apparently. She tells me that I'm 'no good for my daughter'. I really want out of here, for my sake, for my family's sake, and mostly- for my daughter's sake. But I've no where to go. No money. No patience and little sanity left.
You might be wondering- how does my bf factor in and feel about all this. We are on the same page. And we both want out of here.
I try to walk in her shoes... she has 2 boys, one 22 and the other 27. Came from a wealthy and fairly religious family. Kids shouldn't have kids until they're married. oops. It's hard to have someone else live with you- you want things done the way you want them. BUT For example, I prefer to sit on one side of the table because the corner/wall bench has a back-rest whereas the other is just a bench. Well- Mrs H doesn't like someone sitting on that side of the table- at her dinner table, for the dinner she 'slaved over for the last hour'- when there is another bench available. Seriously? That was what the latest fight was over. I sat on the wrong side of the dinner table... She was quite the drama queen about it. Ended up hanging up a piece of paper in the kitchen the next day reading 'The maid quit. Cook your own food and do your own dishes'...
How do I deal? I'm trying to get back on an anxiety med but since we recently moved down here, I need to get in with a new doctor, couldn't get in until oct. 6th. I talk to my bf about it, he's really great about 'keeping the peace' and does everything he can for me. It's just that I want the best for my daughter, and it isn't here. :(