I'm torn

Nicole - posted on 07/16/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I am the mother of 4 beautiful girls, my 3 older girls are from my marriage and my youngest daughter who is 3 1/2 is from a relationship I was in after my marriage dissolved. When my youngest was 10 months old, her father was in a car accident and resulted in death. Of course I was devastated and walked around in a fog for a very long time. Since life does go on a year a half ago I started to date someone, who I care deeply for, in fact I love him. He too has a daughter, a year younger than mine. Recently he has told me he doesn't know if he can be there for my daughter as a father figure, as he still is getting used to being a father to his own daughter. He is an excellent father to his own daughter. He said perhaps in the future, but now he can't. Now I'm faced with this, so do I stay in this relationship any longer with the hopes that one day he will "come around" or do I let the man of my dreams go, because my daughter deserves a loving father figure in her life. If I stay with him, how long do I wait 1 year? 2 years? perhaps never?? Thus I'm torn...

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Alecia - posted on 07/18/2012

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I too give him credit for his honesty and can completely understand your nervousness for your daughter. It's great of you to acknowledge the fact that she needs a man in her life to look up to now that her dad is gone. It sounds as if this new man in your life might have insecurities about himself as a father, perhaps due to his own experiences with his dad or maybe because he knows how important it is for your daughter to have him in her life. I think the best thing might be to find the root of his feelings and let him know how great of a dad he is. In this case, I think his actions with his own child and your children will tell you exactly what you need to know. If he isn't saying that he "doesn't" want to be in her life and just that he doesn't think he could be the best father figure, I think he might just have cold feet and insecurities because he knows how important it is to you and her. It's great that you have found love again, and I think in this instance you should let your heart guide you and stay with him because just him being there for you guys is father figure enough for now. Maybe agreeing to find out why he feels this way and also agreeing to not put pressure on him will be the key for you two. Good luck!

Jeanny - posted on 07/16/2012

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Hi Nicole,
You have to appreciated his honesty and his reasoning behind it. Also I'm sure you are a strong mother/ person so why you have to need father figure for your daugthers so soon? Enjoy the relationship with this man and see how it goes and like you stated he consider perhaps in the future. This is only my point of view here as maybe he wanted to see how the relationship goes first without over promising the children if the relationship ended again your daugthers wont be the victim of losing another father figure.

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