in need of help on figuring out to stay or move back home

Candace - posted on 01/03/2012 ( 39 moms have responded )

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what would all you other moms say would be better for getting help with clinical depression, living in a small town where you only talk to two people on a daily basis and one of them you only see once or three times a week because of work, or a place with alot of family and friends? i have a three and a half year old daughter and i am having a tough time trying to think this one out

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Vanessa - posted on 02/03/2012

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if he helps his grand mother out, then that is a good excuse. Takes care of his elders, you don't see that much these days. I've seen neglected elders every where i travel, hurts the heart to see that :( :(. if he confuses you on moving, then there may be a reason why. how does he feel around your family? your friends? maybe he feels awkward around your exes from there if you have exes where you from. Or maybe there is some thing keeping him where you are now?



as for therapy, Some guys feel threatened by the thought of therapy, they feel as if they are being targeted by a therapist. When me and my now ex bf went to couples therapy for my depression, he felt like he was the one on trial to point of causing him a lot of stress, which he then used as an excuse to go drinking then sleeping with my former best friend. maybe your bf thinks he will be the one singled out without getting to say what he has to say, almost like here.



You forgot to say that he helps his grandmother out, i'm sorry for offending you, but is there other stuff he does to helps others that you forgot to mention? surely there has to be more, because it seems like there is more then one tie to that small town that is keeping him there, can't be what's in the town you want to move in, has to be more ties that keep him where you are now. I would like to hear his side of the story, that way can get a sense on how he is. Is he a nice guy? does he work all the time? is he unemployed? is he an alcoholic? drug user? stuff like that.



have you sat down with him to ask him how he feels? maybe deep down he is stressed, or even feeling depressed as well. a relationship requires team work. My mom always said, you can't learn to ball room dance by your self, you need your partner. Sit down with him and see how he feels. Is there pain he has he hasn't told you. Has he cheated on you? or have you cheated on him? maybe there is pain from the cheating from either of you? maybe he feels hurt that you never sat down with him, and feels like every thing is his fault. by how you look in your picture, he doesn't abuse you in any way. You look healthy and fit. you been with him for how many years, says maybe he he is doing some thing right. Maybe he works alot to support you and your daughter, and you don't give him enough credit. Maybe he works jobs he doesnt like doing? maybe a job he likes? be good to hear what he has to say, hate feeling like some one on trial in situations like this.



I wish you the best in your travels Candace. I hope you make the right choice for the right reason. The right reason being for you and your daughter. In my opinion, it may be best to stay in a place where you can call it your home. Do you two have your own place? if so then if you move then chances are great you will not be in a stable home. Couch surfing hurts, believe me. My son stayed with my dad for a few months until i was able to get a stable home. but if you do decide to move, make sure 100% that you have a stable home to go to. A plaec that's clean, a place where it's safe for your daughter to go out and play. don't say you think you will have a place, make 100% sure you will have a room where you going. and make sure you will be able to have food for you and her. if he doens't want to move, don't force him, you not only hurting him, you are hurting your self. He doesn't want to move because of his grandmother, then don't force him. He is one of few people who actually spend time with his grandmother it seems like. let him learn from her. Learn her knowledge. If you force him to move, he will never be the same. he won't be who he is now. Maybe he feels as if he he owes her a lot. I'm sorry for rambling on, it's my curse. once again Candace, i hope you make the right choice and do your home work if you decide to move.

Amanda - posted on 01/06/2012

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Are you seeking any treatment? This is probably as helpful as who you have around.

Desiree - posted on 01/04/2012

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Having people who care always helps when going through something difficult, so I'd go for the place with a lot of family & friends.
Like you said, your child's father can visit if he doesn't want to move with you, and I would think a place with many loved ones will be good for your daughter too.
Wish you all the best!!

[deleted account]

I have clinical depression too and let me tell ya- you need all the friends and family you can get. I would move back to your home town... and QUICK!!

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Deborah - posted on 01/27/2012

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If you don't have a stable, reliable, safe place to move back to with your daughter, don't go. I know it's hard, and minus the depression, we're kind of in the same boat. The only people I talk to on a normal basis is my fiance, my kids, and my 'internet' friends (facebook, etc), and my mom. I have no social life to speak of, and up until about two weeks ago I had spent over a year searching for a job. I don't live in a 'big' town, but where I moved from is smaller, so it depends on what you mean by 'small'.



how far away is 'home'? Is there any way you can arrange steady visits home to see everyone and get some of those needs met?



Do you and your boyfriend have any intentions of getting married yet or in the future?



My daughter is in a "headstart' preschool program, and we get bi-monthly visits from her teacher, and every time she comes she asks us if we need stuff, they are more than helpful with LOTS of things like that; her school also has 'family functions' that people can attend with their children. I haven't gone yet but I'm sure it's a good place to meet other parents like me.



To me it seems like you have spent a fair amount of energy trying to get him to move back with you, and he won't budge. I'm sorry for that but, just as it's hard for you to make the decision to uproot you and your tot, so it's hard for him to uproot and move away.



I definitely recommend sticking it out; having your daughter grow up in a home with both her parents is a great gift not a lot of children get to have any more.



Try to find a job, I know that is NOT an easy task, I'd been looking for over a year when I finally got mine. That will make you feel a lot better if/when you land one - you'll meet more people that way, and it will do a lot for your self esteem to have 'your own' money to spend instead of sitting at home all day.



Since you're home, try to find things to occupy your mind - pick something you're interested in and read up on it, find projects to do with your daughter. When I had postpartum depression after my daughter was born, I was on medication but all it did was 'numb' me. It didn't really help me much, because even though I wasn't sad/blue, i wasn't Happy either, I couldn't feel excited about ANYTHING. I stopped taking it, but I was still depressed. I fought that emotion, that lack of 'wanting' to do things. The more I threw myself into whatever was in front of me, the better I felt. Change some things in your life that you want to change, and hopefully more things will follow.



Try to find some places where you can volunteer, even if they aren't in your town. If you enjoy books, try to start a book club -- post flyers in the library if they'll allow it, or maybe put an ad in the paper (the local paper we have does 'free' ads sometimes if they're within a certain character limit).



I hope you feel better soon, depression is NOT the greatest companion in the world.

Christine - posted on 01/27/2012

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i think in the long run you need to ways the pro and con of were you are living and do what is best for you and ur little one. if you feel you need more support of friends and family then move. but you can also join some mommy and me class in your area and make new friends. i would check with your local library to see what child events they have going on. its a great way to get you out of your shell and see how other mothers are doing and get advice

[deleted account]

Remember that your daughter doesnt only need her dad, she needs her mom too. And she needs her mom to be healthy physically and emotionally. If moving away to where you are surrounded by family and friends is what helps with your clinical depression then thats what you need to do.

Candace - posted on 01/12/2012

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yes it is a good reason, cant believe i forgot about that and he is, and we will be around my sisters and my dad alot so she will spend quality time with one of them when she gets the chance to, first will be my dad i think, she really misses them too

Desiree - posted on 01/12/2012

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Well if that's his reason for not wanting to move, then it's a good reason, and I think it proves he's caring and responsible.

Is there an in-between solution, like maybe you going to stay in the other city with your family for a couple of weeks while he takes some time off work to care for your daughter? Or maybe you both take some time off for an extended holiday?

While it wasn't clinical depression, I felt a lot better after a week away with my husband & son.

Candace - posted on 01/11/2012

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cant believe i forgot something else that is so important, i feel so dumb for forgetting to type that as well, he even takes care of his great gramma too so that is another reason why he wont move with me, i cant believe i forgot that, she is a wonderful lady too

Candace - posted on 01/09/2012

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desiree - yeah it is pretty hard with nobody to talk to, it is why i am trying to figure out of i should move back home or not, i would have lots of help with my sisters and family and friends, the only income i have is family allowance for her and if i do move back i will have more to spend for her because here i just get her school snacks and pull ups for when she goes to sleep and use some of it for some bills, but if i do move home it would mean no worrying about cable bills and that would mean extra unless i use that amount to help who ever i move in with either my dad or my friend, i dont think i could move in with any of my sisters and dont think i would want to move in with one of my sisters as she can get pretty hostile and dont want my daughter seeing her aunty that way

bernadette - that is a thought but her home is a smoking home and alcoholic home, they smoke in the house alot and been living there for quite a few years so it would be hard to get it smoke-free and i would rather not have my daughter in a smoking home

Bernadette - posted on 01/09/2012

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is it possible that you could stay with your mum for a while then, if she lives in the same area and is sad about you going? That way you could get to really know her a lot better, and it will give you a bit of space away from your partner to clear your head and figure out what it is you really want, before doing anything as drastic as leaving town. It might also give you an idea of how things would be if you did end up leaving town - things like how much effort he puts into coming to see you and your daughter while you are staying with your mum?

Desiree - posted on 01/09/2012

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Wow, it must be tough not having anyone to discuss your plans with.. but I'd hesitate giving direct advice because I'm not even remotely familiar with your situation.. as for me, if I were in the same situation, I'd imagine I'd want to move as quickly as poss, ideally with him, as a family, but if he doesn't want to move, then I'd say go by what your gut tells you. If you feel that a place with more family would help, then tell him you plan to move. Hopefully he'll be waiting for you and will keep in touch, but can you handle it if you lose contact with him after you move?

If you do decide to move, make sure that you have planned for your daughters needs in the new place (e.g. school, a home in a nice, kid-friendly neighborhood, stable income for basic needs, and the like). Will you have someone you can count on in the new place? Because chances are you'd be more depressed if you find yourself in a new place full of familiar faces but no income, no one to be there for you at home helping with chores, etc.

Hope you find the best solution soon!

Candace - posted on 01/09/2012

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i have no friends in this town, only aquantences and his family which i dont want them to know what is going on and i have tried talking with my mom but she just shuts down and gets sad thinking about me and my daughter moving away, because i didnt grow up with her so we just finally started getting to know each other, the rest of my family in the area i dont even see or hear from i keep telling them to let me know when they will be in town but they never do and the only people i used to talk to were in the head start program for babys till 3years old and my daughter doesnt go there anymore she goes to a 3year old program and she goes there by herself with the other 3year olds so that leaves me at home doing chores while shes gone and her dad works from 8-4om, so that is why i posted the question on here, to get suggestions from people who arent too close to me to help me who wont get clouded minds about it as my friends would, i tried asking my dad but he said he would pray for me that it works out and i figure out what to do

Desiree - posted on 01/08/2012

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have you tried asking what your family or closest friend/relative (someone who knows you and your relationship well, not necessarily physically living in the same town/area) thinks?
They might provide a better solution, and help you get through with whatever you decide to do.

Candace - posted on 01/08/2012

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ok, and i was thinking maybe he doesnt realize he is doing that either cause he hasnt done that as far as i know, i am not sure who i would move in with if i moved home, what if i just tried to work it out with him till first school break and go from there if it doesnt improve any?

Bernadette - posted on 01/08/2012

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Do what is best for you then. Your mental health will suffer if you stay in a bad situation and the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave and to get over the depression too.

Candace - posted on 01/08/2012

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that is actually what i was thinking too, he said i have till tomorrow to figure it out because of our daughters school

Bernadette - posted on 01/08/2012

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providing a roof over your heads and food in the fridge doesn't necessarily make someone a good guy. It can also be a form of control. It makes it hard to move away because you may think "well, what will I do without him? How will I provide those things?" And he knows that. Also, him saying that you can go if you want, but he isn't going to follow, could be another form of control. Basically, he is making out that it's ok for you to go. But by yourself. So he probably figures that if he just refuses (but pretends to be understanding by saying you're free to go) that you'll stay. And then he's controlled you again, making sure that your decision is the one that he wants you to make. So really, it's not your decision. Of course, never having met him I could be way off the mark, so please don't think that I'm judging him or misreading the situation. Just saying that he might be manipulating you into staying without you even realising. In the end though, do what's best for you and your child. A happy mother makes for a happy child. But bear in mind that she will need to see her father too.

Candace - posted on 01/07/2012

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i can see myself doing the exact same thing i am doing today, we tried changing things up within the 4 years, a few months ago he said we will start going out every two weeks just me and him, havent even done that, im thinking he will go about doing both of those things, but i dont think i will want to move back for a while so he will have to make the change and move with me till we find a place to live, if i move back with my dad, he is in his mid 60's and i wanted to take care of him as well because he lives alone, im not even sure if he will even visit his daughter while we are living that way because he hasnt made the effort to get to know my family, my two sisters and dad, he didnt even make the effort to stop in to see her when he passed by the area to go see his family further down the road, but he is a good guy for keeping a roof over our heads and food in the cupboards and fridge and freezer, just he never made the effort to get to know my family or friends and thinks buying me objects like things to do with technology will keep me happy but that wont last, its not the same as with family and friends

Bernadette - posted on 01/07/2012

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sounds like he's all take and no give, and if he can't compromise with you on any of these things, where do you see yourself being in 5 or 10 years time? Like Amanda said, no amount of therapy would help if you are unable to change the situation that is making you so unhappy in the first place. One of the things a counsellor would tell you to do is identify the things that are making you unhappy, and begin making positive changes. If you are unable to make those changes where you are now, you will end up miserable. I think, especially from the way you described the town you live in, if I was in your shoes I'd make the move back to where my family is. At least that way, you will have some support and then you can go about making all the changes to make yourself happier. As for your partner, one of two things will happen - he'll continue to go about his life as if you were never there to begin with, or he'll realise how much he wants you back in his life and do what he has to do to be with you.

Candace - posted on 01/06/2012

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i told him i will try therapy than he said "what you dont want to talk about it with me?" like he was hurt, first day when he found out i wanted to move back he said i can move back whenever i want to, next day he goes on asking me what i will do for our daughter once we move there saying i shouldnt be making plans for her if im thinking of moving and the plans i made before are before i thought of moving, thats what he said yesterday and today hes asking if i dont make the improvements i say i will do than why am i still here and he said hes getting tired of saying it, he said he doesnt help me because i always tell him to sit down, heck he can just tell me "i will just let me get this done first ok" or something similar to that and why should i even have to ask him to help clean? i dont know its just confusing

[deleted account]

No amount of therapy is going to help you if you can't change your environment. It can help you feel a little better about it but in the end it still is what it is. Unless you can do the things Bernadette was talking about, which sounds like you can't, then there is nothing to stay for. You can get therapy when your with your family and friends about getting over your selfish ex.

Candace - posted on 01/06/2012

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no, im not sure if it would be possible with getting my daughter to school and trying to keep the place clean and getting supper cooked in time, and i have nobody who can watch her if i do take therapy

Candace - posted on 01/06/2012

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thanks bernadette, those are some great ideas but this is such a small town, during the weekdays its all kids in school and all the other people are at work, aside from town drunks, i would get to know my boyfriends female friends but sadly in the 4years i have been with him almost all of them tried getting with him or told him they still miss him and wanted to know if he would take them back so now knowing that i want nothing to do with them aside from being aquantences, my daughter is in a 3year old program so she goes to school from 10am-1pm mon-thursday, i would love to go for walks but there is always a wild animal around some where in the part of town, either a cougar or two or a bear and i never want to chance walking around with them around, also within the 4 years being with my boyfriend i have tried numerous times to get him to move back with me and every chance he said no in some form or another and im just getting tired of holding my breath thinking "next time he will finally say yes knowing i stayed with him for 4 years" but i get the same answer each time, he doesnt know both of my sisters or my dad and my mom, but i know all of his family, he has never had a holiday with my family

Bernadette - posted on 01/06/2012

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alternatively, you could stick it out for a bit longer, but try some other things to get you out and about. Join some mother's groups to meet other people, get out for some exercise (especially at a gym or group class where you might meet others, if you can afford it - if not, maybe walking/jogging at the same place every day in heavily populated areas where other people are doing the same thing), perhaps get a part-time job where you will get some financial indepence away from your partner (if this is an issue), but not have to put your child in full-time care so you will still get to be the stay-at-home mum most of the time. Also, a part-time job might give you more opportunities to meet other people. Otherwise, try a class - whatever you are interested in, an art class, photography, cooking, etc. Something that is fun, but can also give you an outlet away from the course, and possibly lead to part-time employment. Or even just for fun. And counselling, regarding your depression. Perhaps if you are able to meet some people, have some fun, make a bit of money and get some help with your issues, you might even find that you don't mind it there too much afterall! And try couples counselling - your partner needs to see how much you need to be able to lean on him too! And if you try that for, say, six months and find things still haven't improved, then you can cut ties with your partner knowing that you tried your hardest to make it work, but you weren't met half-way. Then you can move back, with the knowledge that you did all you could. And that way, you'll know for sure that you made the decision that is right for you, having tried both options to see which one works! Good luck!

Candace - posted on 01/05/2012

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thanks deseree and bernadette you are right, i justwish it didnt hurt so much with him staying here, he didnt look to happy with me wanting to move but he always said i can move back whenever i want to, i think it just hurts because it wont be easy to move on with another guy if that time ever comes but i think i would rather wait a few years to get healthier and so my daughter will know who her real dad is and i wouldnt want her calling anybody else daddy,he tried helping me talk about it last night but its not easy anymore, i always feel like hes judging me or he will use attitude against some things i say or he will use it against me, i even told him we can move into my dads temporarily till we get our own place and he said "you know i feel uncomfortable sleeping at other peoples places" and what hurts the most is he doesnt concider my family his family

Bernadette - posted on 01/05/2012

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living in a small town where you only talk to two people on a daily basis could well be a contributing factor to why you are depressed. You will not get out of the funk you are in if you stay stuck in the same rut. I have suffered mild depression in the past, and at the time I stayed at home all the time, had no friends other than my sister and no job so no income, no money to go do things. One day I went "enough is enough", went out and got a job and suddenly I was meeting new people, and earning money to actually be able to go out and socialise with them and all of a sudden, I realised how much happier I was. Of course, it doesn't just magically make clinical depression just go away, but the way depression was explained to me was that it is not just being sad or down in the dumps, it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain which is why anti-depressants are effective - they help to restore the balance. But getting out, doing things that make you feel good and having fun also help to restore the chemical imbalance. Endorphins and all that... So being with family and friends who are going to support you, take you out to have a good time, give you something to look forward to each day sounds like the better option than staying where you are, stuck in a rut with nothing to look forward to. It will just continue until it becomes a vicious cycle that you may find hard to break. Of course, it is always a hard decision to move away from your partner and the father of your child, but if he is so unconcerned about your emotional well-being, then things will only get worse between you and you'll end up resenting him. Perhaps it's best to go while things are still ammicable, at least then you can remain on speaking terms for the sake of your child.

Candace - posted on 01/04/2012

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that is true and thank you, if only he saw it that way as well, he doesnt see that hes more social than i am and he sees his family more than i do, the other person i talk to aside from him is my mom and ive been renewing my relationship with her because i havent grown up with her and i thought that living here for her and my boyfriend would help ease the thought of moving home but it doesnt, talking online isnt the same as talking in person, he is a good guy though, he works to make sure we have a roof over our heads and clothes and food but thats not really enough, his family seems to think it should be though but its become to much of a routine now and it just makes me miss my family and my friends more

[deleted account]

You gave him your all, and now he needs to be more supportive of you and your needs. Again, good luck!

Candace - posted on 01/04/2012

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thank you again amanda ill need the luck, we have discussed me moving home alot and each time i tried getting him to move back with no results which im kind of hurt concidering i moved away from everything and everybody i know to be with him

Candace - posted on 01/03/2012

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ok thank you amanda, i think its best to too, its not easy only talking to two people on a daily basis aside from my daughter who cant really understand fully and well, im tired of being the only one doing most of the cooking and all the cleaning while looking after our daughter and not talking to more people in person

Candace - posted on 01/03/2012

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no we arent married, just common-law, this was both of our longest relationship too and our first child with each other, and its alright at least we had a good run if he doesnt want to move back with me and its not the end of the world, well it is for me and him living together but i can always come back and let his daughter visit him when ever the chance comes up or he can go visit her

[deleted account]

Are you married to the father? It would be hard, but you have to do what's in YOUR best interest. You can't live like that. That is a very hard decision. So sorry!

CJ - posted on 01/03/2012

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I do not suffer from clinical depression, but I have a very close friend who does, and she definantly does better surrounded by her friends and family. I think you should move home.

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