Is it OK for someone else to spank your child?

Corynn - posted on 04/26/2011 ( 33 moms have responded )

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FTR I believe it is NOT ok... I am not arguing the fact that she deserved dicipline, just how she was diciplined.



My child was being naughty under a someone else's supervision. She was running away from them during a fit and ran into the street. They were put over the knee and spanked 3 times plus there's considerable bruising in their arm. This is the account of the situation I was texted the next day,



"... the mark on her arm was when I was crouched down trying to reason with her and she bolted into the street. It was the first thing I could get ahold of in a panic. Didn't want her hit by a car. You can ask (name), I never lost my cool with her."

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Shereese - posted on 04/26/2011

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Running into the street is a dangerous and serious offense. I would spank my 4 yo if she ran ran into the street. I wouldn't be upset with the bruise on the arm because putting myself in the same situation, I would be more concerned with removing the child from danger than any harm I might do. Thus, a bruise is nothing in comparison to what could have happened.

As well, if you have concerns about this person's story and how they handle things then it sounds to me like they shouldn't have your child. I only have three people that I trust to watch my children. We have never had a spank discussion and they have never spanked my children. However, if they did I would trust that situation warranted it. It take a village!

Medic - posted on 04/26/2011

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I do pop my kids for things that could get them KILLED. Running into the street qualifies as that. Yes I have some close friends and family that if they popped my kids I would totally back up their choice because we share very similar views. When my son was 2ish we were getting out of the car and he started to run..the only thing I could grab was his hair, I got the look of death from a lady walking but she sure as hell didn't try and help when she saw him run. Did I feel bad OF COURSE! Would I do it again..yup, I would rather my kid be alive and me grab whatever part of him I can get. There have been a few bruises both of my kids have gotten purely from trying to save them...falling off of things, running into things, me running into them. I don't think I would freak out about it.

Danielle - posted on 04/26/2011

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I don't necessarily agree with spanking as a discipline method and I don't think just anyone random person should have the right to make that decision.



Although I will say, if there is a mark on her arm as a result of her running into the street I wouldn't be mad.

I can understand the frustration and urgency of the situation enough to be 'gentle'.

I guess it would depend on how much of a mark is showing. Is it a full hand bruise, or a red mark from trying to restrain the child?



In such a serious situation, if my child was running into a busy street and a *family* member spanked my child as a result; I don't think I would be overly upset. Again, it would also depend on the extend of the punishment, and how it was delivered.

Obviously for something less serious I would be very angry.

But common' she was running into traffic.



Also, when you write:

"I'd hate to see what happens if they lose their cool :("



I don't think that is an accurate portrayal of their parenting or child watching capabilities.

If you don't want them to spank your child then inform them of such; but don't assume because there is a bruise from when they were grabbing your child off the street that they will 'loose' control with your child.

Obviously, use your own discretion.

If the relative is an angry person then you should know better than to leave her in their care.

Karli - posted on 04/26/2011

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Spanking is Wrong...period. No body should ever hit a child for any reason. It has proven to an ineffective form of discipline by hundreds of doctor's and parenting experts. I don't hit my kids for anything, if anyone else hit my kids I would be livid. I could not even tell you how angry I would be. He would never, ever be alone with my kids again.

Lacye - posted on 04/26/2011

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Did you talk to the person before hand about what type of punishment you wanted them to use while watching your child? If you didn't then I couldn't be too mad at them. They didn't really know that you didn't want them to spank her. Yeah I would still be upset but I wouldn't be too mad.

As for the bruise on her arm, sometimes when a child is in danger, people react before they think. He may not have realized he had grabbed her that hard until after it was already done. Like some other people have already said, I would rather my child have a bruised arm than my child in the hospital seriously hurt.

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Ashlee - posted on 01/01/2012

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For me that's not ok..when my kids go anywhere i tell the person rather is be my mother, his mother my sister or his, that if my kids act up to make them sit in their hands..they cant stand it but it works..No one in my family has ever spankedmy kids bc 1 they have more respect for me as a mother then that and 2 they do the time out thing.. but my husband was over @ his sisters & my son tried to run, he was just playing w/ his daddy though but he almost ran into traffic! my husband ran after him and grabbed him around the waist w/ both arms to stop him then turned him around and explained how he could have gotten seriously hurt and that he is to NEVER go near a road unless he was with me or my husband...after that we taught him how to look both ways and the dangers of streets....bc i think that if ANYONE is going to spank a kid is the parent..

Liz - posted on 10/02/2011

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Hell NO, the only other ppl who i let discipline my son is his grandma (his only got one grandparent), my sister and his dad of course. Everyone else will unleash a very angry mamma.
I could never smack another persons child, the only thing i'd do is tell them to behave because when there mun/dad get back they'll be hearing about it.

Laura - posted on 10/01/2011

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This makes me really angry to be honest i would never do that with one of my friends children!



I would like to know why on earth she was running away in the first place. There are ways you can grab a child that is effective and would have minimal marks like around the waist with your arms a much safer way to stop them.



I think that this person was angry you said they spanked her three times too not just once.



I am not a fan of spanking anyway its a shock to the child and often they have no idea what they are doing wrong, i like to explain to them what they have done and put them in time out then they take in what they have done and think about it!

Sheronda - posted on 09/30/2011

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I think that its okay if you have given them permission to do so. With me, the person has to know how to discipline kids. If I don't trust them to spank my child in a situation, I would never leave my child with that person in the first place. I would be mad, but when they explain that the mark is from trying to save the child from the street and getting hit by a car, I would ease up, Additionally I would ask my child if that's how it happened.

Kendra - posted on 09/29/2011

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I believe it is ok for someone else to spank your children ONLY when you have given them your permission and they should only do it the way you approve of. Give them how you want the spanking/discipline done. I only have a handful of people who are allowed to spank my son and anyone who has ever done it more than what I consider to be resonable has heard from me on the matter.

As for the bruising on your childs arm, I can only comment on what I would feel in that situation. Was there a car in the street that they almost got hit by and his grabbing my child up to keep them from being hit caused the bruise? In that instance I would forgive it. Was he just being overly rough in grabbing my child because they wouldn't stop when he told them to (no car in this scenario int he road)? I would have major issues with it.

My personal opinion.

Rebecca - posted on 09/28/2011

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I would say no it's not ok for them to hit your child. I have found that when dealing with other peoples children, telling them that I was going to let their parents handle it (Wait until I talk to your mom/dad) is usually enough to keep them in line for the rest of the time I have them. The anticipation usually is worse then anything I could have done. However, I do tell them why what they did is wrong.

Jenni - posted on 09/28/2011

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I don't spank my child, so of course no one else is allowed to spank my child. I'd be livid if I found out anyone did.

Shaylynn - posted on 09/27/2011

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Honestly i am torn. There has been times when my children have been spanked by other people. My parents will spank my child lightly to get the point across over something severe like running in the street or trying to stick something in a light socket. That i am okay with. My parents will not however spank tham for minor infractions like kicking or hitting. They tell them that they will tell me when i get home and i will handle it. So in that aspect i would say that i dont see the harm in it. But as far as someone grabbing my child hard enough to leave bruises on them, i dont think thats ok. I would NEVER grab my child that hard let alone someone else. It is beyond uncalled for. You can pick a child up and restrain them when their being bad without using brute strength.

Vanya - posted on 09/20/2011

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YES. if you are asking them to keep you child, you are giving them your permission to keep them in line. if that isn't the case, stay home with the child. you can't expect to drop your child off with an adult - family members included - and let the child run roughshod all over them and their home. if you're uncomfortable with it, you can always discuss the situation with them before hand, and MUTUALLY set guidelines for them. the person caring for your child has to have a say in what they can/can't or will/won't be permitted to do. i realize that it sounds harsh, but as a parent to a willful 9 year old girl myself, it's how i manage. i don't go out often, but if i'm willing to put my daughter in the care of another person, i expect them to take care of her as i would. if she's with one of my friends or with one of my sisters and needs a time-out, or to stand in a corner, that what happens. no question. and i'm informed of the entire situation as soon as i pick her up.



as far as spanking, that's limited to a select few people: my mother and two of my sisters, and only when necessary.

[deleted account]

I'm not opposed to spanking, but anyone else that spanks my kid won't be watching my kid ever again. I can understand that the street is a serious thing, but pick the kid up and go in the house w/ her until the parents come back.

OhJessie - posted on 04/29/2011

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Sorry if I sound like an echo, but no, it's never ok. If my child needed a spanking it would come from me, no one else. Fortunately I never ran into the problem.

As to the bruising, grabbing a child to stop her running into the street is understandable and can bruise a child's delicate skin. That part I'd accept, but not the spanking.

Stephanie - posted on 04/28/2011

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some ppl should look up the definition of discipline before they "discipline" any child! discipline means teaching. and i doubt ur daughter learned anything from the situation except. if she runs in the street or runs away during a fit, she'll get a spanking. not that she could possibly get hit by a car and a really big boo boo or worse, i explained to my child at about 1 1/2 yrs why u dont just run out into the street, and she caught on very quickly. and NO! it is not ok for someone to spank someone else's child, unless they were specifically told that they could before hand. i do not believe that spanking is an effective form of "discipline" at all. this person may not have visably seemed like she lost her cool. but if she grabbed your daughter hard enough to leave a bruise. she was losing her cool. and the worst thing to do when a child is in a dangerous situtaion is "panic". panicing nearly always makes every situation worse especially with children. you are your own person and im sure you;ll make the right decision for your family. but if it were me, this person would never again be left the supervisor of my child.

Vicky - posted on 04/28/2011

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Dear Corynn, I think you did good. The thing is your friend might think that it is a perfectly fine thing to discipline by spanking. But In my experience (because I have spank/hit my children in the past) out of anger and not out of discipline. This was not a "reaction" thing as he took the time to lay the child on his knees and spank him.

My parents actually believe in corporal punishment and would completely justify as a good reason for spanking. But they have been warned that we do not use that form of punishment for disciplining and if they EVER did spank my children they would not be aloud to see them unsupervised. Spanking install fear not obedience. Your friend has no right to be upset, its not his child. But I think you are you better off not having him supervise your children.

Lee - posted on 04/28/2011

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I'd be questioning how well they were looking after your child in the first place if she was running onto the street in the first place. I can understand the bruise I'd be grabbing pretty hard to stop they being run over but smacking someone elses kid no way is it ever okay. I'd be unfriending too if it was my child that got the spanking.

Kristi - posted on 04/27/2011

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No way! How could you ever justify striking someone's child for any reason? You just keep them safe and let the parents deal out appropriate discipline. I think it's fine for someone to remind a toddler how important safety is if they ran into the street. I think it's fine if he grabbed her and that's the only way he could prevent her from harm, and he explained and apologized for any physical harm - like the arm - that occurred. I'm sorry he responded to you in an immature fashion.

Lexi - posted on 04/27/2011

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I don't think it's ok, unless you've given them permission, but in a scary situation like that, it's understandable that they would just do what comes automatic, what they would do with their kids. My son ran in the street last week, after repeatedly being told not to and being redirected back in to the driveway to play. When he ran out again I spanked his butt. It scared the crap out of me, there was a car coming at the time and everything. The persons story sounds believable. I had a badly bruised arm and wrenched shoulder while I was pregnant because I slipped on the ice and my husband grabbed my arm trying to catch me. I think your next step would just depend on how well you know and trust this person. If it's someone you would normally trust and not think capable of purposefully abusing a child then I would let it go for now. Forgive the impulse reaction and just let them know that in the future, you're not ok with spanking, for any reason. If you've got reason to be suspicious of something shady going on, or you don't believe the story, then I wouldn't leave your daughter with her anymore. It may have just been an irresponsible choice, but if you already don't trust the person that would make it practically impossible. If you think you have enough proof of abuse then you could make a report of it to the police but I think that would be my last resort and only if it's truly that serious of a situation. If it happened like she said and she just reacted too roughly out of fear, I don't think that's a reason to put her through a police investigation.

Ms. Carla - posted on 04/27/2011

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I do not think it's ok for someone other than a close family member to spank my children. I completely freaked out when a lady at my sons daycare whipped him with a pencil. He was about 2 months into his potty training and had an "accident" at daycare and the teacher (which was not HIS teacher) said she spanked him with a pencil BUT when I seen the whelps on his bottom I was very upset and angry. The teacher was fired and my son never went back. Even if a child is being bad I absolutely do not think anyone should be allowed to spank them unless it is a close family member that you trust.

Vicki - posted on 04/27/2011

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im getting mad thinking about it lol!!

how dare some1 else lay a finger on your child!!! Under their supervision or not there are better ways to enforce discipline than hitting!!

Ohh I'd be very angry had that been my child! x

Natalie - posted on 04/27/2011

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That's tough. Normally I would say that it's not okay, under any circumstance, to spank another person's child. But in an instance of a child running out into the street, I can imagine that panic sets in that you sometimes react before you think. I would make it clear to them that spanking is not okay with you, acknowledge that they were just trying to keep your child safe but keep an eye on them in the future to make sure that they're not repeat spankers. I myself feel like spanking is warranted in certain situations, but if someone else laid a hand on my kid for just a disciplinary situation I'd be livid. If she were running out into the street and they just reacted? I'd probably be a little unhappy but understand they were just doing what was first in their mind to keep her safe.

Daniela - posted on 04/26/2011

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NO NO NO!!!! If anyone is caring for my kids we definitely sit and talk about how she is to "punish" my kids. I would worry too much if the next time that my child is acting up what will happen. Be straight forward with this person and hopefully find someone else to care for your child.

Kristene - posted on 04/26/2011

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hum... spanking is a touchy subject. I was spanked when I was little, but only as a last resort. I don't think that anyone should be spanking anyone else's child, unless they have permission. However, running into the street... I have spanked my child for attempting that (he's three and I swatted him three times), and I flat out told him right then and there that I would rather make his butt hurt than him get hit by a car. He never did it again. The bruise on your daughter's arm... THAT would concern me more than her getting swatted on her butt three times. I've had to restrain my child as well in certain situations and while I had a firm grip, I've never left a bruise. He had a pretty good grip on her while he was "trying to reason" with her... If she was being that naughty, they should've returned back home and called you to come get her, or called you for guidance. Not everyone thinks that way though... If there was a bruise left on the arm and it was considerable bruising, I would not be leaving my child in that person's care. I wouldn't stop being friends with that person, but I just wouldn't ask them to babysit ever again.

Dora - posted on 04/26/2011

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You are absolutely correct. No one no mater what the circumstances should ever hit your child. As the parent it is up to you to decide what kind of discipline to use. Approx. a couple of weeks ago my son who will be 3yrs old ran from me on a sidewalk which was right next to a busy street. I yelled at him like I have never yelled at him before. I think I even out fear into my husband. My son stopped immediately in his tracks and just started crying. I didn't spank him because that is my personal choice, but the way I yelled I can guarantee he will never run from me again. Also after he calmed down from crying I explained to him why mommy yelled the way she did and how dangerous his actions were. His teacher even made a comment on how when they are on the playground he doesn't run from her anymore as he used to think it was a game.

Constance - posted on 04/26/2011

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i have an easy answer for this one. When my oldest son was just under the age of 2 my mother in law slapped him for pushing buttons on her microwave oven. She thought Iwas asleep on the couch. She found out in about half a second that I wasn't. It took all the sthrength my husband had to pry my hand from her throat. After did I had a few more choice things to say to her and I went upstairs packed up me and the kids for 15 hours trip back home. When I walked back down stairs I looked at my husband and said if you are coming with me you have until I get everyhting in car. His mom got this smile on her face until she realized he was coming with me. That was the last time any of us saw her. I nevertold him he couldn't visit his mother I just told him thaat the kids and me would be staying home.. I always hated that woman she is lucky I didn't put her through the window.

Corynn - posted on 04/26/2011

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We advised them not to lay a hand on our kids again and it would be a long time before we trusted them again. I wanted to get some unbiased opinions because he makes it out that we were wrong for being mad. Even "unfriended" us, FAMILY! He is a very high strung individual that doesn't think he has a problem so I don't see his nature changing much in order to encourage any trust. It's a shame to lose a family member but my kids come first.

Karen - posted on 04/26/2011

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uhh..NO! the only time someone else should discipline your child is if you've given premission for them to do so...and then it should only be carried out the way you would discipline at home! i don't think i'd be leaving my child with that family member again. i understand that it was a dangerous situation, but spanking is not the way to have handled it at all. it takes a pretty good squeeze to make a bruise on the arm - i'm not sure i believe that just grabbing the child's arm to stop them would cause it. i would be making it known that i did not approve of how it was handled and that (if it were me) my child would no longer be unsupervised in their company.

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