Just found out son is not mine...what do i do now?

SAD - posted on 11/24/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

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First I know that this for moms, but truthfully I need some advice and i hear this is a great place to start. So I been married for 6 years and I have a 4 year old son who looks nothing like me or acts nothing like me.From the day he was born my family had some suspension about him for these very reason ( my mom right away picked up on the fact that he looks NOTHING like me) . Anyway i wrote this off as nothing,but really it always stayed with me when i looked at him and interacted with him. So I couldn't take it anymore and had some paternity testing done....the results....hes NOT MINE.



This is devastating as this means she had sex with some other man while we were married and hid the fact for 4 years that this was not my child. My wife does not know that i know the truth ( my mom and other family know and they are calling for an immediate divorce)



Im pretty depressed and i dont know what to do....ANY advise would be helpful...thank you for hearing out my story.

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SAD - posted on 11/25/2012

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So you are saying that its ok for the last 4 years to be deceived into believing this was my child the entire time? So tell me then what foundation is there to stand on when it's based on lies and cover ups? If you put the last six years into a lie would you really say " oh everything will be ok?" She did this whole we were married... Tell me then if your husband fathered a child with another woman while you are married you would say" oh yea everything is ok"? I don't believe it for a second.

Amy - posted on 11/24/2012

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Do you love your son any less? You've raised him as your own all along are you going to just walk away from that because he's not yours. I do think you need to speak to your wife about this and your son deserves to know the truth but I think you need to decide if you can forgive your wife and move on. I also think that you should of kept this from your family until you had spoken to your wife, you've included a whole bunch of people in a problem that are now going to cause trouble in the future if you decide you want to try and work it out with your wife.

Sarah - posted on 12/01/2012

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First off, a baby's daddy does not mean the person who provided the sperm. If you have been a part of that child's life for 4 years then you are his Daddy. I know this is a blow to you, but think about the 4 year old and how it will affect him if you just no longer play with him or see him.



That being said, I totally get where you and your family are coming from. I have not been there as I am a woman and I will always know which children are mine because I had to push them into this world after carrying them for 9 months. I think you should start with your wife. Tell her what you have discovered. Get an explanation from her. You two may not be able to be together anymore, but you are still owed an explanation. After the initial crying and arguing over the affair, decide what is best for the child. If you can't look at your wife and love her like you did before you knew the truth and you feel that no amount of counseling will help, then a divorce is in order because that is not good on the child. If you can't see yourself ever being a daddy to that little boy again because you know the truth, then the best is to let him go, but if somewhere in you it causes you a pain that you will never see him again and never see him throw his first ball in a preferred sport or play his first solo on an instrument (what ever he chooses to enjoy), then you may, along with your family, have to suck it up and be the dad and grandparents, and aunts and uncles that he needs. It is just going to take a lot of thought on your part. If your wife wants to get a divorce after she finds out you know the truth and doesn't want you to be in the child life, it could get complicated. If you signed the birth certificate you may be tied to the child until he is 18 weather you like it or not. It depends on the laws of your state/county. Think about every move you make. Definitely start with talking to your wife. Keep your family from over stepping their bounds. They have the right to voice their opinions to you, but you have the right to not listen to them and they need to respect your decisions as you respect their opinions. Good luck.

Helen - posted on 11/24/2012

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I agree with the previous post. This was a problem between you and your wife, so if the family needed to informed it should have been after the fact that you & your wife had spoken. I can only imagine the pain your going through finding out your son is not yours by blood, but thats not what a dad. Your blood doesn't tell you that you love him and would do anything for him. That comes from your heart. A paternity test doesn't change that. I have 2 stepsons and obviously they are not mine, but I still love them and treat them as if they were my own and that will never change. You and your wife need to sit down somewhere where there will be no interuptions and talk everything out. Tell her you know and where you want to go from there. You know better than anyone if you'll be able to forgive her and work through it. Myself and my husband have gone through some major things ourselves this past year but it was something that we worked out between the two of us. Only a select few know what we went through and it stays that way. I hope that all works out for the best & keep loving that little boy no matter what... he still needs and loves his dad! Good luck!

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Gigi - posted on 12/01/2012

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I was thinking as well that its likely she didn't know for sure who is the father, how could she?. And as for accuracy of paternity testing, he never replied to that, so we don't know. The whole thing sound horrible to me, from his family's attitude when the kid was born (that he doesn't look like his father, I mean come on!), to cheating, to testing behind her back, to not discussing it with her.

As for the "damage is done" and "no trust" comment, I don't agree with that. All of us have been at the point in our marriage when we had to forgive something and work to get the trust back, no matter how small or big that reason was. Cheating is one extreme example, and probably very difficult to deal with but many people have worked through it in their marriages.

I think marriage depends on more than just one factor, and things should be kept in perspective. And first thing should be the wellbeing of their son, because the manner in which this situation is dealt in will influence him the most.

Jessica - posted on 11/30/2012

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I think you should talk to your wife about it, But for you to forgive her and move on would be almost impossible since the damage is already done, And who can trust someone after they had cheated, But it all depends on you what you want from this maybe to move forward with your family and work it out or Move on....

Starr - posted on 11/30/2012

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Just want to throw this out there, maybe your wife didn't know that he was not your son. I mean she obviously knew she had slept with someone but maybe she really truly believed he was yours. It's not necessarily the big conspiracy you are automatically assuming. What kind of paternity testing did you have done, where? Do you know for a fact it is accurate, reliable and has been properly read? I would have it redone with your wife at your side. How have the past 4 years been, have you guys been happy?

Bethany - posted on 11/30/2012

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we r sympathising with your pain on finding out the results of this test but what i think we are saying is its this child who is going to suffer the most. you are his dad and the only one he has ever know at this age they dont understand, infidelity, lies and deception they know love and hurt, regardless of the truth (that yes one day he will find out as he has the right to) at this point in time I believe that he couldnt comprehend why daddy (you) cant/ wont love him. there are so many children who never know their biological parents but it doesnt change how they feel about the parents they call mum n dad.

as for your wife issue of infidelity it is excusable to me and i would demand answers from her and if you still want to make it work do everything you can to make it work if not then leave but dont let this poor innocent child think its his fault its not.

as for family ask them to support you in every decision otherwise it will be hell for you.

good luck in what ever you choose but i ask you remember its not his fault.

Gigi - posted on 11/26/2012

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Nobody said this situation is ok. What we did say is that you should be discussing this with your wife and not with your side of family. You have several options now. You can talk to your wife and hear what she has to say, you can just get divorce and never see her or your son again. You can divorce her and keep seeing your son..Its up to you.



Sadly, since you mentioned that every time you looked at your son you saw the differences, I have impression that you haven't considered him your son at all since the moment your family suggested that he doesn't look like you? So maybe you have made up your mind already without double checking by making the test again or talking to your wife. Did you even make the test yourself or was it your family who made it?



To answer your question -if I found out now that my husband has a child with another woman, I would be VERY upset, but I would be discussing it with him first and not run home to my parents. Then after hearing his side of the story i would think and decide can I forgive him or would we split up. I am a grown woman, and as much as I value opinions of my parents, I make my own decisions. But one thing I would not tolerate from my side of the family is them disrespecting my husband during my marriage. I see it this way - we marry people who are our choice and our extended families don't have to like it, but they have to behave respectfully towards our spouses if they want to keep seeing us.



The foundation you mentioned was made by your wife AND you - together. And now there is a inoccent child involved. You have responsibilities as well.

Amy - posted on 11/25/2012

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So your going to walk away from your son who is completely innocent because of your wife. Why are you here exactly if you don't like the advice you were given, did you think you'd have a bunch of women tell you to just walk away and never look back! I get you being upset with your wife but you are talking about punishing an innocent child. You don't want to continue with the marriage it's your right to file for a divorce but if you think you are going to work through it then you shouldn't have talked to everyone but your wife. Also the way you describe you family I get the impression that they'll break the news to your son which would be a crushing blow to a young child.

Gigi - posted on 11/25/2012

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First I'd like to say I agree with replies so far. And that I am sorry that you are in such a situation.

Secondly, it sounds to me like your family does not like your wife very much and that is something that you should have rectified by now. For them to suspect that he is not your son just because he doesn't look like you is a bit shocking, even if it is true. Many children look different than their parents. My daughter looks NOTHING like me and for obvious reasons I know she is mine. I wrote all this to point out that in this kind of enviroment, things can get complicated. I am not in any way justifiying your wife cheating on you, though, just pointing out that things might not be simple.. I don't know what kind of paternity test you have done, but if I were you I would go to do another/detailed one at the doctor to confirm it.

As bad as this situation is, in my opinion he is still your son and he needs you as much as you need him. And your wife has the right to know what is happening. You need to talk to her and honestly you should have done that before going to your family, but I have the feeling that you and your son were with your side of the family when this test was done... You have your own family now - your wife and son - and whatever issue you have should be aired out and discussed within it before involving other people-your alliance should always be to them first until the moment you separate. You don't have all the facts yet, and you really need to talk to your wife. And I will mention again that in situations when paternity test shows results like this that it would be prudent to get a proper lab test done to confirm it.

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