My 2 year old son is diving my husband crazy with the word 'no".... I need help with both

Rachel - posted on 02/04/2013 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My son Phoenix just turned two on Jan 16th, and I swear the terrible two's came in full force that day. I have been able to tame some behavior by keeping him busy during the day.I have been trying different things I have been reading from the message boards. I am having the most difficulty with his constant use of the word "no". What im looking for help with is how your husbands dealt with it, and how can I tell my husband how to handle the "no" without telling him he is parenting wrong? Hope that makes sense!

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Aisha - posted on 03/31/2013

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Let your husband figure it out on his own. Once he figures that his way is not effective he will change. You must also take into account that both of you are different in your parenting styles. Simply because you do not agree with what he is doing does not necessary mean he is "wrong". When it comes to the word no, you have to allow him to feel the effect of his actions. You are the parent and YOU control the situation. If he fusses, put him by himself until he calms down. I would tell my son,"You are not allowed to say no" in certain situations, and others he had a choice.

N - posted on 02/11/2013

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My son turned 3 in September and seems to flip from the sweet sounding "okay Mommy's" to a fit of the "No's" in a matter of minutes! The majority of the time there is really no rhyme or reason behind his change in moods either, other than being impatient or displeased with what the rest of us are doing. (He is pretty used to being the center of the universe). I completely understand where you are coming from when you refer to your husband using a different parenting style than you. My boyfriend is older than I am as well, and seems to have far less patience when it comes to whining or "talking back to Mommy" than I do. I tend to try and alleviate my son's poor attitude by calmly explaining to him that it hurts my feelings when he yells No at me, and that he isn't going to get what he wants by using his outside voice or by purposely being angry and mean. Sometimes this approach works and other times he has to take a break for 3 minutes to calm down, apologize, and choose different language in order to spend time with the rest of us. My boyfriend, on the other hand, who has been in my son's life on a daily basis for over two years now, feels that I am only coddling him by offering such a lengthy explanation and that my son would not act this way in the first place if Ipresented myself as more of an authority figure all the time. He does not punish my son because he feels it is not his place, but he also rarely has a reason to because my son typically only treats me poorly: not my boyfriend who we live with, his preschool teacher, his grandparents, or his father who sees him a few days a month. So I don't know, maybe he only behaves that way around me(the tantrum of no's) because he thinks he can get away with it. Either way, it has been getting better since I have been more consistent about what I am willing to ignore and what I am not.
Good luck! Don't worry about your husband, if he's anything like mine, he has just gotten used to older children who know better than to push so hard back at their parents!

Gigi - posted on 02/08/2013

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It is very difficult to give you advice for how to deal with your husband when you don't actually say how he behaves.
I think that 2 parents should be able to tell each other if one of them thinks the other is not behaving correctly. In my opinion it does not boil down to "telling him how to be a parent", but to helping him be a better one. Nobody said your husband is a bad parent, but you yourself said you don't think he is dealing with this well. My advice was based on my impression that he reacts on your son just because your son tells him "no". Thats why I said he has to be patient and "get over it" (what I understood is your husband's problem with what he percieves as his son defiance) simply because your son's "no" is not a personall attack on your husband.
If you give us more details, maybe we can help more.

Rachel - posted on 02/06/2013

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Thank you for your message! I personally have bee doing this for a while with him, and its been working now he mostly says alright. I've also been keeping him busy with little things, like helping me with chores, he thinks its fun, i get it done and there's no extra mess. I have noticed this has cut down on the whining.
It just seems to me that my husband, who I probably should mention is a bit older than me, has a harder time with it. I don't want to seem like im telling him how to be a parent, or that he's not a good father, because he is. Any tips for that?

Mrs. M. - posted on 02/06/2013

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SORRY FOR THE LONG MESSAGE~! My son who will be 4 next week is still very strong willed.. Even today, it can be a little tricky to get him to do what I ask. I also have a 2 year old daughter....

My way around this is simply to give him a choice rather than asking (asking gives him freedom to say no). If i make an offer, it stills gives him freedom while still complying with my request. I'll ask do you want water, or milk? or I'll ask which shoes are you going to wear? and show him a few options.... This works most of the time.

The other times, I also have a time out chair, and that is the "side offer." time outs are rare, but they are the last resort, and mostly for dangerous disobedience.

You want to also consider his age, he is still very young, and this might be one of his first ever vocal rights, if I can say that? so he will be exercising the right to say no, until he feels he has control of his life. lol. if that makes any sense.

Also, CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES!!!!! things that arent potential bad habits, or dangerous, should be left alone. And also, just because he says no, it does not mean he means no. He may just want to say it because he can!

I have had to learn to stop waiting for a good change, and live even if it means throwing myself on the floor and join the tantrum! its good for my bones, its fun for them, and they forget their "problem"

Rachel - posted on 02/06/2013

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Yep Phoenix Joseph, About 5 years ago my husband and I were going to call it quits, we separated for about 6 months and then called it off. about two weeks later he found out he had cancer. So I helped him through it, cause deep down i still loved him. So out of the ashes of cancer came a new love and a baby boy! Hubby and I will be celebrating 10 years this may!

Rachel - posted on 02/06/2013

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I guess what I was trying to highlight was the difference in parenting styles between men and women. I have gotten some other suggestions like using distraction, keeping them busy, and not using negative language, " like we are not going to do it," since the child doesn't process the not and only process the we are going to do it.
But thanks for the tip of "getting over it" that will work fine

Gigi - posted on 02/06/2013

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I don't have many tips except, to hang in there. Your son is finding his voice and mind to decide for himself. Even if it seems that he is not really "making a choice", in his mind he is. You can show him how to do it, so if you ask him "do you want to (favorite activity)?" and he yells "no" then say "ok, then we are not going to do it". Or choose a question in which it is acceptable to say no. That way he sees that what he says matter. That said, if you have to go to the shop and he yells "no", just explain why you need to go and then go. So he can also learn that its not always up to him and that he has to take other people into account.
I never ignored my daughter, but always explained the situation and went on with it.
Your husband needs to be patient and get over it. Its a phase and it is not personal attack on him.

Rachel - posted on 02/05/2013

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I'm not going to say my husband never yells, only when he is pushed to the edge, but i will say he never hits/spanks them. So far we are asking questions with options to eliminate an answer of no, but that can't always be avoided. We have also stopped using the word no ourselves. What my husband has a hard time doing is ignoring him when he starts to whine or use no too much. I really want to be consistent. I just don't want it to seem like I am always correcting my husband cause that will create tension that the kids pick up on. We also have a 6 months old daughter, and it seems like the whining and crying always comes in stereo. Any tips we can get we are willing to try.

Gigi - posted on 02/05/2013

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Haha, the ultimate "no" situation. I had that when my daughter was about same age. I think she hasn't said "yes" until she was 2.5 years old! If the answer was yes, she would say nothing, but if it was "no", it would be yelled as loud as she managed. It will pass, just hang in there. After few months of that, I put in effort to form my sentences so the answer is positive. I am not sure that it actually helped, but eventually she started saying "yes".

As for your husband, how does he react when your son tells him "no"? Does he yell at him or what? I am not sure what to say, except that your son is a very small child who is developing his sense of independance and control. Your husband is a grown up so he needs to excercise patience and understanding. Your son is not saying "no" to annoy him.

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