need reassurance from other stay at home moms

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Zoe - posted on 06/07/2011

Thanks for the advice, but I have tried that. I think I am just gonna show him this site and then he might realise how difficult it is.

Rebekah - posted on 06/07/2011

Yes, but I work part-time. I completely understand how you feel... it's a normal battle. This is when you need to sit down with your husband and just openly and honestly talk with him about how you need some help. I did that with my husband and he has taken on some responsibility, so that I can get other things done more promptly.

Zoe - posted on 06/07/2011

Yes and I am constantly being told the house is not clean enough, he doesn't have clean underwear (it is but not put away yet) etc. His father is very old fashioned and his mum waits on him hand foot and finger and deep down he believes I should do the same.

Jennifer - posted on 04/14/2009

I can relate with what a lot you are dealing with. I used to have to do everything. All the bills, cleaning, cooking, laundry...with a 2 year old and a full time job. Not only that, but most of the time, I was a single parent. My son's father was in and out of our lives and our home for most of the first 2 years of my son's life. He is now back in the picture, and has been for a while. But, here's the twist, about 2 months ago, he got laid off from his job. So since I was still working, he became the stay at home dad. He did everything! Except bills, which I still took care of. So now, he's got a different job and I am currently laid off, so he helps out a lot more than he used to because he knows what it's like.

Kaitlyn - posted on 04/11/2009

Hey, check out www.laughyourway.com, he has some pretty good insights you might find interesting.

Kaitlyn - posted on 04/11/2009

Sadly, I think it's a bigger problem than people admit. My husband is pretty good so I don't want to complain, but I read an article recently about how many moms are angry and usually at their spouse for not helping them more. Unfortunately, if your husband is a typical man he won't hear your argument, because, well they don't fix things through communication like women do. I just went to a marraige conference, which was hilarious, and he literally said that the biggest bargaining tool we have is the most obvious one. You whisper in his ear "would you like to do that?" and then say well I really need you to get the yard work done come find me when you're through. It seems pretty simplistic, but men are pretty simple and they'll pretty much do anything you ask if you give them what they want the most. Good luck, I know life can be frustrating when you feel like you're always underwater I have a 2 year old and 6 month old and some days I just have to let things slide to preserve my sanity.

Mandy - posted on 04/11/2009

I do most everything here too. Hubby does the bills though. I do the housework and yard work. He does some stuff if he has the time which is not often. He can take care of the kids (1, 2, and 5) for a few hours so I can either work or have a mom's night out. He understands that I have the harder job so he really has no demands on me to get things done. I think all husbands should get a taste of what it's like to stay at home and see how it is done. I'm jealous of the mom's that get away for a weekend. Now, that would be nice.

Wendy - posted on 04/11/2009

Yep...same in this house. I have 3 girls, 7, 3 and 1 and I have recently started my own business which I do from home around the kids. My husbands only job is to do the bins but that doesn't even happen all the time. I have managed to get him to stop complaining if the house is a mess or dinner not ready when he walks in the door so that is something I spose!! It may help to let him have the baby and house duties for one day and see how he manages??lol....good luck.

Amber - posted on 04/11/2009

yeah it's an issue i've found most stay at home moms have. Men always play that well i worked all day card. it's lame. Just cuz you stay at home doesnt mean what you are doing isnt work. Let your husband do everything you do in one day on his day off with no help from you and then see what he has to say at the end of the day.

Kareen - posted on 04/10/2009

Routines are good. I like the "one day at a time" thing.  I try to have one day for everything. On my desk I have a chart with what bills I have to pay and when. The laundry gets done every other day.  Everything else gets done one day at a time. The kitchen however i try to do before I start cooking. So what if the dishes stay in the washer all day long. 

Karen - posted on 04/10/2009

I take pride in the fact that I'm a stay at home mom and that I do a lot around the house. I have a system/routine that helps keep it getting from being so overwhelming at times. I clean a different room every single day or pay bills, etc. Whatever the chore is for that day, I just get it done. Then I have the rest of the day to spend with my boys. Maybe this will help you out too if you could come up with a routine. I always tell people that it's more important to me to spend time with my family than do cleaning all the time.

Mallory - posted on 04/10/2009

Just because you are a stay at home mom dont mean that you have to do everything

Julie - posted on 04/10/2009

I know exactly how you feel, and I have friends who would say the same thing also. I babysit 2 kids out of my house and have my 2 year old and I still do everything around the house. My husband is a manager and I know he woeks hard, but I also know that he sit at his desk and does nothing but drink coffee some days and he comes home and complains he is exhausted. It drives me nuts, but you are not alone.

Jessica - posted on 04/10/2009

In my situation I do it all because I want to make sure it gets done. I am a stay at home mom and I have 2 small boys. It can be overwhelming. Just let your husband know that you need some help. It is also good to set up a schedule for paying bills. With all the things to do being a mother it helps.

Vanessa - posted on 04/10/2009

When my daughter was first born, I was able to do everything because she slept a lot. However as she got older I found that keeping the house clean, makingthe dinner, paying the bills, doing the laundry...etc. Got well a little over-whelming. I have tried different ays of getting all of it done because my husband thought that it was my job to do this all, since he was the "provider". Whatever I did, I never could stay up with it all. I would talk to my mom about it and she would say there is no excuse for you not to have it all done b4 he gets home everyday. That discouraged me more. When I talk to my dad, it was a whole different view. My dad is a behavioral consultant, so, since he studies personalities he knew that my downfall was disorganization. Knowing that, he and I worked on somethings together. One thing he told me was : not everything can be done every day. Pick a room of the house everyday and work in there. Do that first thing, maybe when our daughter was sleeping or eating. Then do the dishes and the average run the sweeper. For us because we don't have a washer and dryer we go to the laundry mat but he did say rhat if we did have one to make a day for whites, a day for colors..etc. Instead of taking on every job everyday (we're housewives and stay at home moms not wonder woman) it helps to keep up our sanity and not make us feel so over-whelmed. At the same time, Our spouses must understand that we are a full time worker too! We work a full time job with our children and we don't get paid in a monetary sense. A lot of times, the spouse who works doesn't understand how difficult it can be and how demanding it is as a stay at home mom. Regardless of how old your kids are. As the spouse, they should, on their days off, be willng to help out. I ask my husband if you had to pick 2 jobs around here that you would not mind helping me in what would they be? Then on his days off he does those. This was not an easy process for him to do. At first he fought me, but after talking to other families who have a spouse who stays home, he realized that it was only fair. I hope this helps, and believe me that it will not be something that changes *poof* over night. It is a process. If you want more information on your personality and your husband's so that you guys can relate better go to http://dynamicinteractions.org/ and you can navigate through the site. I am sure if you contact him he will be willing to help you both understand each other and yourselves and once you do, it will be easier to see what you to do to make your life easier for you! Hope this helps!

Elzette - posted on 04/10/2009

The only way the husband will realize how difficult it is, is when he is left alone for a while having to deal with it all. I was lucky to have my mom in law visit here for 2 months and taking my husband aside telling him to pull his wait. I guess im lucky to have a MIL like that. Since then he still has his moments but he offers on weekends to take all the night time feeds - i have a 6 year old, 3 year old and a 2 month old. It helps so much just to have at least one or 2 nights a week where i can sleep a whole 8 hours. We also have a system now that either he bath the kids and i cook or the other way around - then he will get them all to bed - little things help a lot.

Karen - posted on 04/09/2009

I can really relate. I'm so tired all the time, and no one seems to understand why. I married a pilot, so he's gone for long periods of time. I stay home with our twins. I do everything and then some! We moved into a condo, so that I wouldn't have to worry about the yard, but we are renting. So, that's just another bill for me to have to pay along with all the others. I do all the cooking and cleaning to, but I have a system to help me keep on top of this. And since my boys are 3 1/2 and we don't have the money for preschool, I'm homeschooling. We do differerent things everything day and try to get out when we can to help break things up. After they go to bed, I study and do homework. I'm taking on-line classes to help find a stay at home job to help bring some money into our finacial worries. No one really gets just how tired you are, especially when they tell you to grab a nap. So, take a good look at yourself and tell yourself that you are doing a good job (your personal best!). If anyone ever puts you down for all you do, then I say dare them to stand in your shoes for one day and take a good day off. Good luck!

Cathy - posted on 04/09/2009

Oh, sorry, I forgot...paying the bills ?!  That should totally be his job, since he's the one with the paycheck...just my opinion.  My husband looks after the bills, thankfully, and it's a really big help to me since I absolutely hate doing it. 

Just a thought :)

Cathy - posted on 04/09/2009

I can soo relate, and the thing that I truly worry about is the message that is being sent to the kids...that Daddy's are not expected to cook, clean, or do any chores in the home.  I hate that my sons are seeing first hand that the household responsibilities are all put on the Mommy.  This old-fashioned, sexist attitude has to stop !!  Sorry, I needed to vent .. LOL !!

Gina - posted on 04/09/2009

This has been so great hearing your stories- sometimes you just need someone to relate to- it sounds stupid but you always feel like your the only one- and sometimes you can't always tell the people you're close to because you don't want them to judge you or him for that matter- thanks everyone- keep the stories coming!

Cris - posted on 04/09/2009

mmmmm this made interesting reading. I have a 9 month old and a 3 year old. My husband comes in and basically plays on the computer or playstation. Oh he does walk the dog.....basically he has to be told to do things as asking doesn't get a reaction. He huffs when asked to do things. He is sat watching tv after the kids are in bed and I am still going at 9pm at night. On top of that I now need a full time job and I am sure this won't get any better. We have talked and I have made lists of what I have done and all sorts, but he just signs at that. He is kinda like a teenage  son that lives with me but isnt mine. Needless to say we don't do anything together and I can't see the point in him being here but for him his washing is done and meals are done and his house is clean (ish) how long can this last I don't know but you are not alone. I live in hope that the penny will drop and he will understand. My story isnt good but I have heard worse from a few friends. I don't know how they do it with gambling, doing drugs or cheating partners on top of that. It is soooooooo very hard but there is always someone worse off. Thank god for the kids to keep me smiling ;-) Good luck hope things get better. Some say once a child get older dads role gets better as he can relate to the kids more,   fingers crossed.....

Lisa - posted on 04/08/2009

No you are definitely not alone. I am a stay at home mom, I have to admit I let alot of things slide a bit.

And I do tend to get frustrated and sometimes resentful about being the one to do everything.

Nicole - posted on 04/08/2009

I say we all need a pat on the back ! :)  i am in the same boat here, we have a small landscaping company, and i am in the office ( at home) with a two year old, and five year old that i run back and forth to prek because its half day,  i take out the trash i clean, i cook, i answer the phone, reply to emails, do the billing, (business and ours) give the baths, mop, vacuum, you name it i am it, and when his day goes bad, who does he take it out on< sometimes i wonder why do we need them, right because they love us, when do they show us, yes i know that they work hard, but what about working together, maybe my five year old would want to help pick up her toys if she saw daddy helping mommy??

Joanne - posted on 04/08/2009

oops, Imeant to say it's his problem, not YOURS! oops LOL.

Joanne - posted on 04/08/2009

hahaha.. haven't we all been there! Husbands need to realize that juggling a baby, the cooking, cleaning and generally maintaining the dynamics of the house hold  has been proven to be the same as working two jobs. Just because men go out to work, they forget and are ignorant to the fact that what we do is ginormous! You have to do the yard work too???? At least my hubby doesn't expect me to do that too. I can't leave our 18 month old inside while I'm outside, and I woulfn't have time in my day either! Maybe you could find him some articles to read on just how hard us stay at home moms work, or make a list of all the things you did in one day just to spell it out for him. When I get into bed at night, my bones ache and I'm utterly exhausted, even to tears at times. Then when the baby is sick etc, who gets up to them? You need to give yourself a huge pat on the back for all the hard work you do and if your hubby gets upset when you happen to forget something, that's his problem, not mine. It used to happen to me too so I made it clear there wouldn't be any more children if it happened again. After all, who do they think we are? Wonder woman? :)x

Kareen - posted on 04/08/2009

You know its like being back in the 60's. I have 2 boys and a baby girl. I do absolutely everything. My husband tries to help out but, I have my way of doing things and usually end up telling him to stop and do it my self. I love every minute of it. I feel like I am the glue that holds the family together and it makes me feel important. But you have a greater responsibility. Bills have to be on time. The house has to be clean, sometimes messy but most of the time clean. You just have to do the best you can do really. My husband however, does the garbage and everything that comes with that job. I do nothing, so it's either throw it out, or have a pile of garbage sitting in the kitchen!! Most of the reapairs and yard work is mostly his too.

Erika - posted on 04/08/2009

I'm not a completely stay at home mom I have a part-time job just for extra money and for me to get out a couple times a week, anyway, you should really talk to your hubby about how you feel and what you have to do everyday. Guys don't always pick up on it when you need help. Try writing down all the responsibilities you both have in the household and ask him if there's anything he is willing to take off your plate. and remind him a happy mommy and wife means a happy family!

Gina - posted on 04/08/2009

its both he doesn't do anything because he said he works- and he does work hard and has a stressful job-so i feel like i have no argument because i do stay home- but the more moms i talk to say their husbands do do stuff around the house- i don't know i guess every husband has their quirks

Brandy - posted on 04/08/2009

so normal honey !!  LOL    I work from home and my husband still does it !

Claudia - posted on 04/08/2009

Normal!!!  LOL  It does take teamwork to make a household work.  Is your husband expecting this, or are you just guilty and thinking you have to accomplish it all because he works outside the home?   If it's just you, then just sit down and tt/hubby and set some expectations from him.  For example in my household I have a cleaning schedule (I use flylady.com as a guide) and do a little bit each day, but my husbands priorities are that dinner is ready, he has something for lunch the next day, the kitchen is clean and the beds are made.  The yardwork is usually his to do on the weekends, sometimes I do surprise him though.  He helps mostly with spending time w/my son when he's home so I can either finish up or have some me-time.  Remember this is a partnership and you staying home doesn't mean you are NOT working!   I would say that paying bills on time has to be up there in the priority too  =)