Self Destructive Two year old

Ellie - posted on 01/22/2011

have you actuallly read anything about that woman? she bills herself as a "family therapist," yet she does not cite ANY credentials. heck, she doesn't even mention going to college, much less a degree (19th Century French Poetry would even work). she home-schools her kids, which means she has 24-7 to devote time to them. (btw, i'm not bashing home-schooling; i was, with my two sisters. so i know that the mom has little/no time spent that she is not directly interacting with the kids.) this is rarely possible in today's economy, where potentially both parents have to work. apparently, Naomi suppliments her income by charging up to 9k for people to come to her house for a sleep-over disguised as uncredited, unlicensed therapy. she doesn't even answer questions on her site, she posts links of answers she's given other moms on a different site. my point? take any info she gives (or on any other single person for profit site) with a grain of salt. do you live a life that her advice would be applicable? seriously, moms in the same situation you are in, posting their personal stories and advice (in a not for profit, forum format), are gonna be more legit. you may agree, you may disagree, but you won't feel alone and definitely won't feel like the perfect mom god (who gets $350 an hour for talking to you on the phone) is judging you.

Clara - posted on 01/21/2011

are you dealing with her emotions when this happens?

do you acknowledge the feelings ??

S.A.L.V.E

read this:

Dear Parent,


Children are our mirrors. If they fight, it tells that we fight in some way. We may get angry when our spouse it late or when the milk is spilt; we may act impatiently when our children don’t live up to our ideals or we might act irritated when they don’t listen, when they interrupt or refuse to go to sleep. We resist the way things are and the way someone else. This is the fighting the children observe and apply in their own relationships.


I am not suggesting that we demonstrate being a doormat. It is just not effective to go against anything in order to create change.


Here are a couple of ideas to get you started on a peaceful path with your sons:


1) Don’t intervene with most of their fighting. When you do, you are fighting with the way they are and adding another “fighter.” They know, “If we hit, the artillery (mom) will show up.” They are innocently cooperating with our strategies and enjoying creating “Fireworks.”


2) Prevent fighting by making the conditions easier for peaceful living. Have fewer toys, provide two identical ones of each toy they both like, and protect each child’s privacy, specially the older boy. At times, a six-year-old can be a real pain for a nine-year-old. Protect your older son’s autonomy, privacy and property.


3) Do not let your sons hit you, ever. If separating them leads to hitting you, don’t do it unless there is physical danger of injury. They hit you because you are ruining their fighting. Often, when I heard screams or upset from the play room, I would just pick my head in for a brief moment and say, “Anyone needing help?” The answer was most often from the youngest, “No Mom, we are having fun.”


4) To bring forth a peaceful resolution you need not do the SALVE with the children. SALVE is for you, not for them. Find what causes their strife so you can alleviate the cause. The more you care for each one’s autonomy, the less intense and frequent their fights will be. And, notice when you fight, so you learn to model peace.


Do the S of SALVE before entering their space (unless there is real risk of injury) and find what drives you to intervene. After you release yourself from your own stressful thoughts (S), put Attention (A) on the boys in your mind and observe. Do they really need you? Listen (L) to what is going on for them: Most likely they will resolve their issue; their physicality is simply their way for now. When you listen carefully, you will know what to validate, “Would you like to keep your blocks where your brother won’t touch them?” “Do you need fairness in sharing?” “Would you like to play without your brother for a while?”


5) Never take sides or have a talk with one boy and not the other. If you do, you are fighting, adding ammunition and they set each other up for “getting in trouble,” even when you do a gentle talk.


6) When you show that you care without intervening, they may talk to you. If one child starts telling you what happened, listen and validate the facts. Tell them that you will listen to each one fully and when he is done the other boy will talk. Do that back and forth listening to them as long as they need without giving advice, judging or suggesting solutions.


7) When fully heard without interruptions, they will be done after a while and may even laugh. The Empowering (E) of the SALVE formula is about you staying out of the way so their own inner wisdom can surface. When children tell their stories to completion, they either lose interest and move on, or, if the issue has not vanished, free of intense emotions, they become great problem solvers.


There are situations when one child is suffering under the control of a sibling.

The solution to these situations is to create conditions that prevent such abuse.

An aggressive child has a valid reason for his actions and needs your loving help. If this is what you are talking about, I invite you to book a phone session with me so I can guide you in removing the source of the difficulty.


Warmly, Naomi Alodrt www.AuthenticParent.com

Ellie - posted on 01/19/2011

i used to work at a school specifically for children with behaviors (aggression, disruption, self-injury). these kids were much more extreme than yours; one hit his head against the bus window so hard, it cracked the glass and if it wasn't safety glass would have shattered it. needless to say, behavior that extreme cannot be ignored because it is dangerous. smacking the face is not dangerous. if she was truly hurting herself (hurting meaning causing discomfort, or pain that cannot be ignored), she would not be doing any of these things. basic human response to pain is to avoid it. she is resorting to these dramatics (as in stage acting dramatic) because she knows it will get a rise out of you or anyone else around. i know it's one thing for her to do this at home, and then for people to tell you to ignore it. it's another thing if you're in the check-out lane and she starts smacking herself because you said, "no, you can't have that candy bar." people will tell you to ignore it, but honestly if its gotten to the point where you're coming to a forum for advice, you're past the point of ignoring making it go away. in cases like that, you need to let her know that type of behavior is not appropriate. something to try is grabbing her hands, thus blocking her from smacking herself, get her to look you in the eyes and in a STERN voice, say, "NO. That is NOT OK." or something like that; short and simple, to the point. you can also try following up with, "Mommy doesn't like that. You need to use your words and tell me how you feel." again, something short, simple, and to the point. tell her directly what you expect of her--to tell you she's upset, rather than trying to get your attention (negative attention is still attention). when she does it, do your best to immediately respond by FIRST stopping her (holding her hands, hugging without squeezing her so your arms are above the crook of her elbows thus blocking her reach), get her to look you in the eyes and tell her you don't like that, it's not ok, it's bad, it's never going to get her what she wants, etc. then offer her a replacement for the behavior, such as telling you how you feel, screaming into a pillow, and/or time-out. if she's advanced enough you can try a token system. start a morning with three tokens, and if by lunch she hasn't hit herself, give her a treat (small treat, like 5 m&m's, normally forbidden juice, 30 min of favorite of all favorite of cartoons...never a whole movie, it needs to be something she'll WANT to earn). draw her attention to tokens, tell her good job not hitting anyone (because you don't want her hitting you or her sister, either), until dinner or so, count tokens, reward for keeping 3, rinse and repeat. you can make the time intervals smaller if needed (like an hour or two, especially if there are peak times for her hitting). if she loses a token, when it it time to check the board, explain to her (short, simple, to the point) why she doesn't have three, but she needs to try again and you're sure she can get three the next time. if you wanna take it a level up from that, you can have her cash in all her tokens for the day/week/month to get a BIG reward (a whole movie, bowl of ice cream, special time with mom or dad...make it something she'll be over the moon for). finally, if she does get to the point where she is hurting (bruising, breaking skin) herself, take her to a doctor. it could be something biological, like she has chronic headaches (maybe from poor vision) that make her cranky and when she gets frustrated she blows her top and resorts to the extreme. either way, you have to stay on top of it. it is going to be your full-time job for however long it takes. it sucks, but is "me time" worth that much more than stopping your kid from potentially causing harm to herself and others? it won't go away if you are lax; it will get worse. and make sure EVERYONE around you is on board--grandparents, husband/boyfriend/significant other, baby-sitter, sister, and if she's in day care try to get them to enforce it stressing how important it is to you. the more outside support you get, the quicker the problem will be solved. best of luck, and hope something in this long paragraph was useful.

Meredith - posted on 01/18/2011

at the preschool i tought at we made a 'feelings' board. it had a mad, sad, confused, happy, tired ect faces on it. i used it with mostly 3 year olds or close to 3 year olds but it could help you. it was taped to the bottom half of the door and when they acted up i would have them point to what they were feeling and they got a sticker. this worked 2 fold- 1 they identified the feeling, 2 they got to calm down a bit when they picked a sticker.
ignoring is good if its just the two of you. if there are other children you can do the time out. eventually she will grow out of it, till then remain calm and stick to your guns. good luck!

Tara - posted on 01/14/2011

I am having the same issue with my 27 month old. He hits himself or will hit his head on the wall or floor when he is upset/frustrated. I don't know what to do either and it's scary to me. He also talks well and we say to him that he shouldn't hurt himself, if he needs help to ask mommy/daddy to help. I have heard it is normal and to ignore it but that is hard when they are hurting themselves!! I am hoping it's a phase that passes soon.

Jessica - posted on 01/13/2011

We are going through the same thing. If my daughter gets frustrated or mad because she got in trouble or whatever the reason at the moment she bites herself. She has also decided that for whatever reason licking things when she is upset is a good idea. She will lick whatever then bite it. Luckily she hasnt bitten anyone else but I really hate to see her bite herself and the whole licking thing makes me crazy because its gross. We have recently just started ignoring her when she bites herself or licks things because she is upset and when she doesnt get a rise out of us she stops. I wish I could help more. Good Luck,

Christina - posted on 01/12/2011

My daughter is doing this now and I put her in time out EVERY time. She is then told why she's in time out "you do not bite or hit". It seems to be keeping it to a minimium as she hates time out. HTH!