severe anxiety about going to work and leaving my daughter, has anyone been thru this?

Robyn - posted on 01/02/2012 ( 39 moms have responded )

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Hello Everyone, I'm new here and I have a question.
I have a little girl who is almost 15 months old. I have been home with her since her birth until now. Unfortunately I have to start working again for financial reasons. My parents retired this year and have offered to take care of my baby whenever I get a job. They have babysat her and we are with them often. My baby always has fun with them. I always had bad anxiety about anyone watching her but me or her dad. but more recently i have been slightly more ok with it, but only with my parents. Also, I plan to work part time for now, not full time. In my head I know I have an almost ideal situation- grandparents watching her and only working part time. I have read many other posts from moms who are away ten hours at a time and with strangers watching their babies. I just can't shake the severe anxiety. I feel like she might need me and I won't be there and also that she will hate me or not know how much I love her and want to be with her. My question is, has anyone else gone through this? I feel like no one I know understands what I'm feeling. I feel like people think I'm crazy. Am I?

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Vicki - posted on 01/19/2012

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What trauma are you talking about Julie? From Robyn's description her daughter is doing great with her grandparents. It's great that Robyn has been able to stay home so far, but I don't see anything wrong with care being shared with the other significant people in her daughter's life.



I don't think that anyone should have to send their brand newbies to a daycare centre, and it's sad that finances dictate this for some people. Mums of toddlers go to work for various reasons, Robyn's is financial, mine is partly to do with money, partly to do with wanting to continue my career. I don't believe I'm traumatising my child by having him stay with his loving grandmother one and a half days a week.



My uterus and breasts have done (and breasts continue to!) nurture my child. That doesn't mean I can't continue a career outside the home as well. I can make bread (as can my partner), bring bacon home (he brings more at this stage but we are planning to switch in a few years and he will be in charge of the school run) and bloody well make the choices we feel are best. Please take your guilt tripping elsewhere and stop assuming we aren't loving our children as much as you are.

Rachel - posted on 01/17/2012

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there is some real benefits to being dayhomed by your grandma. I want to tell you how much closer we were than my cousins were to her. Whenever I was sick, I would insist that I spend the night at Grandma's instead of home because that's where I was more comfortable. It was like having an extra parent.



Your child isn't going to mind where she is, as long as she's with someone who loves her.

Rachel - posted on 01/17/2012

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I was raised by my grandma while my mom worked too. I never hated my mother, but mostly because my grandma gave us whatever we wanted to eat and let us watch all the t.v. we could handle. Which, of course, didn't do me any favours. My mom still hasn't gotten over leaving us though. Some

women can do it, some were meant to be moms. In our case, my mom needed to work, and I assume you must need to

as well, or you wouldn't go. I promise, your daughter will not resent it - they are resilient and adaptive - but you aren't wrong that you are the best person to raise her. I DO know what you're feeling, and I mourn with you that you must leave your sweet baby. *hugs* I'm so sorry.

Komal - posted on 01/11/2012

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Oh yes! and you're quiet lucky to get a part time job & to get grandparents to watch your child. It was beyond tough at first..but now I feel it's the best situation my 2 year old and I are in. He's happy and thriving and I feel I'm a much better mom

Suzanne - posted on 01/10/2012

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I would give yourself extra time to get out as I would always find a reason to delay going out, and extra kiss, watching him do something. Try not to worry about the crying, my mam alway said if he did do that it wasn't for long and would soon be happy playing. It doesn't have a long term effect on him and I don't think they realise the length of time we're away. I think we're affected more than they are!!

You sound a great mom so please don't worry, you are leaving her with people that love her and will keep her safe.

Good luck xx

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Sarah - posted on 02/18/2012

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Certaily have. I went back to work and my husband stayed at home to look after my3 month old. I didnt worry too much because i knew she was in safe hands.

Melissa - posted on 02/17/2012

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My husband's aunt watched my daughter from 12 weeks to about 9 months. She would take her to a baby music class and the library storytime. I couldn't handle it. I wanted to be there doing those things. I quit before she started walking so I wouldn't miss that too. Luckily my husband was able to get a better paying job so I am home now. My daughter is 3 and a half and just started going to preschool two days a week last month. I love being home to make her a snack when she gets home and having playdates other days. Other mom's didn't understand why I was so upset in those early months since she was with family. But it really hurt our bonding I still feel like I am catching up on lost time. Your mom needs to get out with your daughter it will be. good for both of them. Try to find an activity you can participate. In

Robyn - posted on 02/10/2012

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Thx for your post Jackie - my baby is with her grandparents tho not strangers. They love her dearly and would never neglect her or do anything to hurt her. I'm just having a hard time letting Anyone else care for her when I'm not there. She's been going for about a month now and has not cried for me once, just asks for me once in a while but rarely. My new anxiety now is my parents taking her out. They took their first trip to the mall with her this week and as soon as I heard I had a headache all day at work. It went fine though. I worry about her Sooo much even tho I have an ideal situation for a person who has no choice but to work (part time job, grandparents as caregivers, job close by). I don't know how to get over the anxiety- I don't feel like I ever will. :(

Jess - posted on 02/10/2012

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you can always do surprise visits... I actually recommend it. my son was left unattended on a changing table. he was 5 months old.... that was also his last day!!! I brought him to a child care center that had a great reputation, they also hire regular high school aged help.... its difficult trusting strangers with your children, especially when you have a bad experience!

Robyn - posted on 01/19/2012

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Julie, I loved staying home and would love to continue but have to work for financial reasons. I was lucky to make it to 15 months as many moms don't get anything close to that. Also, my baby's grandparents would never want to see her upset. But in my opinion, if I can't be the one with they baby then they are the absolute best alternative. She is loved and well cared for there. I do feel bad and guilty and anxious about all of this which is why I made this post. Maybe you didn't mean it exactly how you wrote it, but just know that in a perfect world I would be a stay at home mom.

Suzanne - posted on 01/19/2012

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Julie, come on that's just being silly, children are not traumatised when we walk out to work, they may get upset but its how we deal with that effects the child. some people have to work, others want to work and some are able to stay at home. Let's not make each other feel guilty about how we bring our children up.

Julie - posted on 01/19/2012

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LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!

♥ If you are married let him bring home the bacon and you make the bread.

♥ You have but ONCE to love this child - so teeny and innocent and Trusting!

♥ We were given wombs and breasts to nurture our children ...

♥ What will it do to your child to see you walk out the door day after day???

♥ WHY would grandparents want any child to go through that trauma??

Vicki - posted on 01/18/2012

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Personally I would say yes. My Mum always takes my boy out. Walks in the pram, to the post office, to the park, library, visiting friends. He enjoys being out and about so in a way it's easier than them staying home.



Glad to hear she's doing so well :)

Robyn - posted on 01/18/2012

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She wants to take her to the toddler time at the library and out to the mall, and I guess out to do errands and things. My daughter has never been out without me, not even with her dad. So this makes me really nervous. I don't want to hurt her feelings Or make her be stuck at home but I'm just not comfortable with it yet. I just started work last week and am still getting used to that. Not sure what I should do or say

Suzanne - posted on 01/18/2012

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She'll be fine, my mam takes my son to toddlers every Monday and they both love it, my younger sister has taken him out too. I did get a bit jealous when my sister wanted to take him to a farm but I managed to get a half day at work and went with them!! I look forward to hearing what he's been up to at toddlers when I get in xx

Robyn - posted on 01/17/2012

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Thx so much for all the kind words. Just a little update - my daughter is doing amazingly well at her grandmas. My mom said she asks for me once in a while but rarely cries for any reason. I think it's affecting me much worse than her. I miss her when I'm at work for the whole day but I'm thankful it's part time. One thing that's starting to worry me tho is that my mom wants to start taking her out places and that's starting up the anxiety again. What do you all think about it?

Suzanne - posted on 01/12/2012

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I think she might have a few days like today but one she gets used to your mam looking after her and your mam gets more confident looking after her she will be fine. It was good news that even though she did cry for a little bit your mam was able to comfort her and that she was happy after that. My mam had trouble getting him to nap at first too.



Well done to u too for getting through the day, I went back to work full time for the first two weeks and hated it!! (I put a holiday in for the last day!!). I do enjoy going to work now, I'm lucky that I enjoy my job but it took a long time for me to get used to being back at work. I'd still rather be at home but I know that when he goes to school I'd regret it.



What's your job? As you get used to it and make friends with everyone it will go quicker. Plus now you've done today you only have two more days to work this week!!



Xxx

Caitriona - posted on 01/12/2012

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Hi Robyn,



Good to hear how you are getting on. I posted before about being a SAHM and working 4 hours from home. Depending on your skillset, there is a lot of virtual work you can do. Check out sites like elance.com or guru.com where business owners tender for jobs/projects they want someone for. I have a number of people who work for me who are all virtual - techie person, web guy and virtual assistant. It's a really attractive option for business owners as you get the work done without having an employee - so it's less hassle and more cost effective.



It's different strokes for different folks and if you know long term you don't want to be there, as you've said - then start plotting a way that you can generate the finances you need from home.



I'm doing a blog about it at the moment - got a 6 week escape challenge going on. So have a read, it may help. undercoverescape.com



Sending you lots of best wishes,

Caitriona

Robyn - posted on 01/11/2012

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Thanks again for your kind words ladies. Today went as well as I could expect. She was fine when I left but after she woke up from nap (which she resisted for hours) she was upset and calling for me. But after she ate lunch she was ok and when I got back she ran to me and she seemed happy enough. Also my mom sent me a few msgs during the day to let me know she was ok. I'm just worried that tmw she will now be wise to what's going on and might cry. I hope not. I was fine during the morning as I had to focus on the job since its new to me and all. But in the afternoon I couldn't help feeling sad and lost and felt like I was doing something pointless and should be in my most important role of mommy. I'm hoping that once I'm more confident in the job that I'll feel better there and time will go faster. If not for finances I would not be doing this, but I am hoping to be one of those moms who at least enjoys it a little bit. What about you guys, do you enjoy going to work after you got over this first part of separation?

Robyn - posted on 01/10/2012

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Thank you Suzanne your post was helpful. I am also working 3 days a week and if she (hopefully) naps for 2 hours then that would make it around 6 hours I'll be away instead of 8. I don't think she will cry when I leave the first day cuz she doesn't know I'll be gone all day. After a couple times that might start and that's the part the worried me about your post. If she cries I'll cry, if she's ok I'll prob feel better about it. I hope it gets easier because I have a huge knot in my stomach. Im also worried I won't get out of the house on time! Thanx for ur help.

Suzanne - posted on 01/10/2012

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I felt the same as u when I went back to work when my son was 11 months old. I used to count the hours I'd be away too, thinking if I don't include the times he has a nap I'm really only away for 5 1/2 hours instead of 8!! He's now 2 1/2 and I can honestly say I think he has benefited from me working. I work 3 days a week and I'm lucky like u that my mam looks after him. He has a lovely relationship with her and my dad and they love the extra time they spend with him.

It did take me a long time to get used to leaving him, but knowing he is well looked after is a help. Now that he's two I go to work for a rest and a cup of tea in peace!!

When he was younger when I left for work he would cry so I would have to sneak out once he was settled. Now he's older I don't need to do this.

The nicest thing about working is the cuddle and the look in his eye when I get home, he's just started talking and he actually said I miss u when I got in today!!

Good luck, it will get easier in time x

Robyn - posted on 01/10/2012

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Vickie thanks for the prayers. Unfortunately I'm not financially able to be a stay at home mom. If I didn't have to work I wouldn't be. Hopefully one day I will be, and I'm praying that my daughter will do well without me there.

VICKIE - posted on 01/10/2012

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You and your family are in my prayers. May God give you the strength you need to help you through. I pray that you are financially able to go back to being a stay at home mom. Many Blessings.

Robyn - posted on 01/10/2012

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Hi everyone. I'm starting my part time job tomorrow. I'm starting to get really upset. My first day is 6 hours, plus lunch and driving time. So it's more like 8 hours that I'll be away from my daughter. Ive been crying all morning. I saw a little boy in the doctors office today, his grandfather was with him and he was crying for his mama. That just killed me. I don't want my baby crying for me when I'm not there. This is harder than I ever imagined it would be. Thanks for all the comments do far, if anyone's online I could really use a boost today! All of your support is helpful.

Janessa - posted on 01/09/2012

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No, you're not crazy. I'm thankfully home with my kiddos now, but I had to go back to work right after my 1st was 6 weeks old, my husband stayed home with her, but his Mom would watch her whenever he had classes. It was very hard for me, I was worried about missing all the firsts, and that she wouldn't know how much I loved her. I am so much happier now that I am home. I'll never go back to work if I can help it. It's natural for a mother to want to stay with her children, after all they are the best ones for them. But things I did, when I did have to work, was I spent every moment I could with her when I was home, and my husband would sometimes bring her into me. Good-luck. I know its hard.

Tasha - posted on 01/09/2012

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Robyn, I know exactly how you feel! It was so hard to leave my middle child at a daycare when he was little. I cried ALOT! the only saving grace for me was that his school was 1 mile from my job. So when we decided to have a third child, I was determined not to go through that again. I started looking for Work from home opportunities. My really good friend, who is very skeptical, got into a business and was really excited about it. So i decided to learn more about it. Very legit, great people and I have been doing it every since. Now I'm home when my 2 oldest kids get home from school and home with my 4 month old. If you would like to learn a little more, feel to call or email me. I would love to share it with you.
Thanks and Good luck!!
Tasha White 404-353-2290
tashahwhite30@yahoo.com

Robyn - posted on 01/06/2012

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Thank you so much ladies for all of your posts. I'm trying to put it in my head that its best for the family for me to work and if I do get a decent part time job at least I won't be away for 8-10 hours at a time like some of you ladies have mentioned. I actually got an interview for this Monday for a pretty good part time job. It's very close to my moms house as well which is where my baby will be. I'm still having anxiety attacks when I think about it but if I have to be working then this is a really good opportunity. To anyone who posted about working from home: what do you do to make money from home? I did look a lot for home jobs but they seem to be all scams.
Thanx again so much for all of your support. I'm gonna worry all weekend but I hope Monday goes well and if I get it I hope my daughter doesn't hate me. I just want to be there for her and make her happy.

Caitriona - posted on 01/06/2012

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Hi Robyn, I'd say what you are feeling is totally normal given the strong bond you've built with your little girl in 15 months. It's so intense the bond you build, there is simply nothing else like. No way are you crazy...you are a Mom who simply wants to protect your babe - perfectly natural. Try to ignore the non-understanding crew -they just don't get it. It's the most natural thing in the world. Have you looked at options which you could work from home on when your little girl is asleep? I'm home full time with my 3 yo and 1 yo and work 4 hours from home on my own business. There are tonnes of options out there, jsut have to think slightly out of the box about it. Best of luck, Caitriona

VICKIE - posted on 01/05/2012

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I didn't even leave my middle child with his father. Only time someone could watch him if I was in the house with them or if I had an appointment and they went with me. I was attached because we had no family and close friends here and with my first child we lived where we were born at but only my sister, brother, and mother watched them. I have a 14, 4, & 2 and have been at home for 5 years because I have no family here and won't leave them now if my mom was alive I would be working, however now even with it be hard financially I'm still staying home until they are In school full time but like I said that is only because we have no family here. I'm a little better now because they are in school but I'm still very active at all the schools. My 2 year old is in a private half a day preschool that is Christian based. All schools have open door policy so that makes it more comfortable. I think that you will be ok just be patient with yourself and pray for strength and God to help you not worry about it so much. It takes time. It took me 2 years to leave my middle son just for a few hours with his dad and God family. Praying for you and wish you all the best.

Bonnie - posted on 01/05/2012

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I totally know what you mean Robyn. When I was on maternity leave after having my first child, I was starting to have really bad anxiety and get depressed 3 months before I knew I had to go back. For us it just wasn't worth it. The thoughts were making me feel terrible. So I was lucky enough that I could just decide to stay home in the end and I have ever since. Certainly if you can just go with part time, that will likely make you feel a heck of a lot better. You won't have to be away from your daughter as much or for as long at a time.

Lise - posted on 01/04/2012

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*HUG* It can be SO hard to leave little ones, no matter what the situation! (Everyone thought I was crazy because the first - and only - time I left my dd overnight was when she was 2 and it was with my dh.) If you need to do it, do it - and you will work through it.

CJ - posted on 01/04/2012

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I also feel quite often like people don't understand, everyone assures me she'll get used to being away from me and be just fine. I never thought I'd have such a big issue with leaving my child with a baby sitter, but it's really hard. She had her first sleep over on Halloween with her cousin. I knew she'd be perfectly safe with m,y sister-in-law, and probably wouldn't even notice mommy was gone until bedtime, she'd be having so much fun playing with her cousin. But I almost felt like I was to have an anxiety attack when we left, and had to force myself not to talk about her to my fiance the whole time we were out. She did a great job, they didn't even have a particularly difficult time getting her to sleep that night, I think my fiance mat worry more than he lets on about it too though, we ended up picking her up earlier than planned the next morning. But she's been asking to stay with her cousin again ever since. So we're going to have to plan another sleep over, even if it makes mommy worry all night. If I'm that stressed leaving her with her aunt, who she knows very well, I'm probably going to be a nervous wreck for at least her first week at preschool...but I know it'll be good for her. And she needs to get used to that kind of thing before she has to start kindergarten in a few years...I think the fact that I worked in a daycare in the past, that had an owner who had rediculous rules and cares more about the money than the children may be in part one of the reasons I'm so reluctant to bring her to daycare as well...but not all of it. If it was just that I wouldn't be so nervous about leaving her with family.

Vicki - posted on 01/04/2012

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Robyn I understand exactly how you feel. I went back to part time work when my son was just about 18 months and Mum looks after him. Prior to that I'd barely left him, just in the evening a few times with his Dad. It was all I thought about in the months leading up to going back to work.

It WILL be fine. I know it seems impossible but it will. We started off with leaving him with my Mum for a length of time once a week, at first a couple of hours, the next week half a day, building up to a full day. I was nervous as hell at first but I got used to it. My boy was fine, he has a great time at Nana's. He's an enthusiastic breastfeeder, something else I was worried about, but he was fine going without for the day.

I know all the posts in the world won't stop how you're feeling about it but you'll get there. Now I look forward to work (mostly, not every shift!) as a break in the routine and to talk about non-toddler stuff for a bit. Best wishes!

Robyn - posted on 01/03/2012

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CJ- thanks for your answer, I'm glad to know I'm not alone. In her first year, my baby was babysat only maybe twice that I can think of - one I haaad to, it was for a parents baptism class and babies were not allowed, the other was an attempt to get used to it, didn't go well. I text my sister to call my mom and see how the baby was doing. My parents are the only people I will even consider watching her. It's very difficult. I never thought id feel this strongly, almost everyone I know with kids also works. That's why I feel like no one understands. They all say oh you'll just get used to it. It seems to be much harder for me than other people.
As hard as I know it's going to be when my baby reaches that age, I think the social aspect of pre school will be really good for your daughter (and mine!). But leaving her with strangers has to be one of the hardest things we will have to do. I'm having such a terrible time even leaving her with grandparents who love her.
I hope you return and let me know how the pre school turns out. Thank you so much for writing, I got some comfort knowing I'm not the only one like this.

Robyn - posted on 01/03/2012

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Katherine - I think ur right about an afternoon shift. She could have dinner with her grandparents and we could still do our regular things we do during the day. Some days I feel like she will be fine, the next moment I'm almost in tears because I won't always be there. It's tough. She's my first and I never imagined I'd feel this strongly. Thanks for your answer.

CJ - posted on 01/03/2012

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Start slow...maybe leave for short trips out of the house before you start your new job...then start out with just part time. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I was so worried about leaving my daughter that she didn't get watched by someone else, even for a trip to the grocery store until she was 9 months old, and even then I had to keep myself from calling constantly to check on her. Even though she was with my parents, who we live with. I'm thinking of getting a job next summer and putting my daughter in preschool(she's 3 now), but I'm so worried that she won't do well there. She's very shy, and takes alot to warm up to new people. Hopefully both you and I can get over our anxiety about leaving our children in someone elses care.

Katherine - posted on 01/03/2012

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Start out part time. See how it goes and then go to full time. She won't hate you. I had to do the same thing. Try to get a job where you can work nights so it isn't so bad. Maybe an afternoon shift?

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