spanking toddlers?

Meghan - posted on 06/29/2010 ( 36 moms have responded )

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My 1year old toddler has taken to slapping me in the face and pinching...I have tried to discipline her by talking firmly, putting her in a corner and softly slapping her hand. None of this has worked thus far. Any suggestions, as none of this seems to faze her at all.

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Stephanie - posted on 07/10/2010

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I have three children 2-7 and I have used ALL forms of dicipline for each child. I have also found that each child is different and responds to spanking, time out and a squirt of vinegar in their mouthd very differently. My two year old has pushed EVERY button mommy has in her very short life and sometimes NOTHING works. It is a test every day to see which response I should use. This come from experience, knowing your child and knowing your buttons they can push more easily. I wish I could say this issue gets easier as they get older, but really it just gets harder. The firmer you stand now the eaier it will be later on I promise. You dicipline becaouse you love them. We want the chance to love them with they get older not wish that they were locked in a closet at home where they show no respect for others.

Ebby - posted on 07/08/2010

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Interesting, I get where Deborah is coming from and what she meant. Its true that some people seem pretty adamant in their advice and that it seems inflexible, I think its more helpful to relate and give stories of personal experiences rather than "dos and don'ts" as well.

Deborah - posted on 07/05/2010

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Every time she does this get down to her level give her stern "no hit" and put her in time out. This is the best way to help them at this age. After awhile she will catch on. But absolutely never hit her. She will only learn that if she is big enough she can hit people. She will take it as your frustration is why you are hitting and therefore when she is frustrated she can hit. Just be consistent and eventually she will stop. This is also important for everyone who cares for her to do the same, every caregiver, grandparents, if everyone is consistent it will make this easier to break the habit.

[deleted account]

Continue with the naughty spot. I was hit when i was young and swore i would never do. My daughter is 3 and i've never spanked her. There's no need. The naughty spot works.

My biggest problem is her hitting me. She picked it up in daycare so there's not much i can do about it but she knows that's its not okay anymore because she spent alot of time on the naughty spot until she stopped.

Christy - posted on 07/01/2010

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monkey see, monkey do! So I think the best thing you can do is treat her how you want to be treated. We always model behavior in our house, because they learn from what they see and experience well before they learn from what they are told.

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Hannah - posted on 08/11/2010

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hey meghan. Hitting is just a stage that toddlers go through. Sometimes they pick it up from other kids and sometimes they're just learning how to use their body. I wouldnt spank her for that. She might be a little too young to understand the full meaning of a spanking. I would just continue what you're doing and remain consistent.
I do however believe in spanking. I dont believe it teaches your child anything bad as long as you dont do it out of anger and dont hit anywhere but the bottom. I find it interesting that parents on here are writing the dont spank their child because they want to model correct behaviour but then they send the kid to daycare where the kids are hitting. If they spanked their kids at home as punishment then when they go to daycare they'd probly stay away from the kids who hit instead of picking up their bad habits. Just my opinion though.

Zawjat - posted on 08/10/2010

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take her to the corner tell her what she did is wrong and not to do it if she still does tell her you will leave and go and if she still does go away from her sight for a while until u hear her call you and then do the same again naughty corner talk t her this is the way my toddler stopped hitting the newbaby she is trying go get ur attention by hitting u show her it makes u go away rather than give her attention but dont shout as it scares them and do it in a gentle way so when u leave her and come back to her ur calmness will make her calmdown and feel less fustrated explain and talk to her like the way you would like to know when u have done something wrong

Holly - posted on 07/21/2010

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take her hands and tell her they are not for hitting they are for helping with what ever you can think of! my son has done the same.. the pinching has came from his 8 yr old sister, she gets frustrated with him and pinches him so he started pinching 5 months ago.. the taking hand and telling him not to do that didn't work. i was told to pinch back, not to hard but let it sting a little and when they feel the sting then explain how that hurts you and others when they pinch.. i did try it once and so far for 3 months now he hasn't pinched! but there are so many ways to train your tot to not be mean and hurt others, other then my pinching advice! good luck..

Ella - posted on 07/18/2010

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I think every child is different and so you have to discipline them differently. As far as the spanking thing goes. Sometimes I spank my children sometimes I put them in time out it just depends on the circumstance. I was spanked as a child and I didnt grow up hating my mom or torturing any animals. Spanking out of love is totally different than abusing and beating the crap out of children. Its just comes down to doing what is best for you and your family. Hope you find what works for you.

Mae - posted on 07/18/2010

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I think that when you use spanking properly you show your child what it feels like to be on the recieving end of what they are doing to you, and you smacking them once out of love is better that them getting the crap beat out of them by someone else when they get older and still haven't learned acceptable behaivor

Mae - posted on 07/18/2010

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My daughter has done stuff like this and we tried everything to stop it. The best thing for her was to match force with her if she smacked us we smacked her about as hard usually on the hand then We would tell her something like if you don't like it why do you think we would?" I know that this is not a "popular" way to train but i would rather clamly and quietly smack my daughter's hand and explain to her why then to scream and yell at her or even loose control completely of her and then deal with her being abusive to us when she is older.

Shawnna - posted on 07/16/2010

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I have a 2 year old son who's been beating me up since he could...he's had hand slaps, time outs, and a couple good spankings (especially when he gave me a bloody nose by smacking me in the face with a phone) and he STILL acts like a little butthole. All you can do is be consistent and firm...I still get hit and he still gets time outs and little booty spankings. But now he apologizes and kisses up afterwards...so he knows he's bad, he's just testing to see if he can get away with it :(

[deleted account]

IT'S BAD BEHAVIOUR, AND BAD BEHAVIOUR SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED OR DISTRACTED, BUT PUNISHED. GIVE HIM A HIDING!!!
Each to their own, this is what we did. Luckily(?) my kids did the silent, sulking tantrums. They soon stopped.

She'll maybe do it once or twice more, but then she'll understand that it's NOT acceptable. YOU are the parent, YOU should be in charge, not your 3 year old. she' is ruling you, and you are allowing it.

Putting her in his room (full of toys) is a pointless exercise as he likes it there, so to me that sounds more like a reward than a punishment.

I don't think it would be possible for you ignore his tantrums as lots of mothers do, as he PHYSICALLY ABUSES YOU, but if you thought of doing that you are subjecting others to your child’s bad behaviour, as they have to witness it, and you are not doing anything about it. Don’t take this personally, but I would be ashamed to have others see my children throw tantrums, never mind my toddler physically abusing me.

After the hiding, I tell them that when they are done crying, they are welcome to come to me to discuss what happened. They ALWAYS come. I used to explain to them, but now that they are older, I ask them: "Why did you just get a hiding?" They usually know, and say sorry out of they own accord. I ALWAYS tell them that they didn't get a hiding because I don't love them, it's because I love them that and I want them to be well adjusted, mannered adults.

The trick in the beginning is that the child should know the difference between a smack and a hiding. My kids know the difference, and if they are tendering for a hiding, all I have to do is say: "The next time you do that, you'll get a hiding" and they stop, because they know the consequences of their behaviour.

Maria - posted on 07/13/2010

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Hmmm... that is a tough question. All I can say is, personally, we each have our own way of disciplining our children, and there's no one way that works. I have two boys, and although they're now 18 & 17, I found out what worked for one did not necessarily work for the other. Meaning, yelling and screaming your head off with one may work with one, may put off the other. I went through the same thing, and believe me, the first time I got slapped, when someone laughed, a toddler is encouraged, because he doesn't know any better other than it created an encouraging reaction. At a year old, putting her in a corner will not mean anything, compared to a 5-year old when you put to a time out. For now, repetition (and patience), is what it takes. They're just exploring... and pushing the limit to see how far they can go. Right now, children at this age are limited to understanding two words, Yes and No. So, just keep at it, and be patient.

Bri - posted on 07/13/2010

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The best advice I can give is this, Toddler “behaviors” (hitting, pinching) will fade; what will remain is how your child feels about himself and his relationship with you, which is based on how you react to those “behaviors.” It is important to teach your child that hitting and pinching others in not acceptable, but he isn't going to learn that in one sitting (or spanking). It is a process and patience is the key.
My daughter has also started to do this quite a bit. Take it for what it's worth, but when she hits I grab her hand, tell her "we don't hit, we use gentle touches," then I will show her gentle touches and then try to distract her with something else before she hits me again (because she will inevitably try). At this age, I do not expect her to be able to immediately model the correct behavior, but I have stopped the bad behavior and modeled the good behavior and moved on. Over time, I hope for this work. We will see! :) My personal opinion is that it is rather hypocritical to hit my daughter to teach her not to hit. But, to each his own.

[deleted account]

Have you tried to play hurt? When my DS hits or becomes aggressive I put on a little bit of an act and as soon as he realizes that what he has done hurts he stops. This has not stopped him from hitting but I'm hoping that with time he'll learn and understand.
Another thing we do is time-out. We put him in time-out (a minute per age in years) when we put him in we explain to him why he has to sit in his chair and when we come back we re-explain what he did wrong, why it wasn't nice and that we still love him but we don't want him to do that.
Every kid is different - it takes a lot of patience and being consistent but keep working with her, encouraging positive behaviour and she'll come around!

Kathy - posted on 07/11/2010

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I agree with Mandy Patin. I also think that it is our job to raise our kids to the best of our ability and not have the world do it for us. We are the ones who are responsible for our kids.

Melanie - posted on 07/10/2010

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u can try tell her to give mummy a hugg instead of slapping that it would be nicer of her.. and be patience because it does work but u need to give it some time.

Andrea - posted on 07/10/2010

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Patience and a consistant firm response like "no hitting" is probably your best defense with a curious little one year old explorer. I don't believe 'time out' to be effective much before age 2 and a spanking isn't a logical choice either since a one year old cannot reason. Perservere in modeling good behavior and this too shall pass.

Angela - posted on 07/09/2010

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Thank goodness most of the below replies have also advised you not to spank. The pinching, pulling etc.. is just her exploring and I totally agree with Lisbeth - teach her the word gentle and then show her. Unfortunately, with spanking - they only remember the spanking and they can't even remember the reason. Your toddler will test you out - especially in the next 2 years - I find explaining and distracting them works but patience is needed. They really do understand a lot more than we think.

Carolyn - posted on 07/09/2010

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My son hates "time out" I put him in the hall way on a rug, set the timer to the age he is, three, and walk off and ignore him until the beeper goes off! It works for me!

Deborah - posted on 07/09/2010

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I am sorry if I came off rude but, Mandy your posting the way it was worded just came off judgemental, I'm sorry if I misinterpreted it in any way. If you saw any of my postings you know I'm not a judgemental person, I don't tell moms that something is wrong or right, I always just give advice and say i hope this helps, and actually if possible i give several different ideas in one posting. again I'm sorry if I came off rude or judgemental but I guess the wording of your posting gave me the wrong impression. Again, sorry. And for Gayleen I completely understand what you mean about extremely judgemental people, I have avoided answering some postings because of some of the other responses on there, sometimes people take giving advice to a whole other level, I have seen insults and criticizing when all the mom wanted was some ideas or advice. And I have seen some very dangerous advice on here like the mom that told another mom to let her child shock himself with an electrical outlet to teach him not to play with plugs. I was shocked that a parent would say that, but there are are alot of people like that on here, but there are also some very wonderful and helpful people too. if you ever do decide to post a question or discussion just be careful on the topic, some topics seem to very controversial and will get you alot of responses you never could have imagined.

Gayleen - posted on 07/09/2010

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I agree with some of Ebby's comments. I am thinking of actually not coming on this site anymore as people dont always seem to give "advice" but seem extremely judgemental. Sometimes all one needs is helpful advice, not judgemental do's and dont's. That is not helpful. Me as a new parent, didnt know how to handle the discipline side of toddlers and wanted to write, but after seeing one conversation decided against it! The one mom, that was pro spanking had strips torn off of her! Who decided who's way is right and whose was is wrong???

Mandy - posted on 07/08/2010

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@ Deborah: I think it is terrific that mother's come here for advice, if they feel they need it. In fact, I stated so in my post. My opinion is that advice can be useless and that mothers should be more confident in making decisions that are best for their own family. Not every family is the same. I think you were, indeed, being quite rude by suggesting I say nothing on this post and also for implying that I am a mother who knows everything. If you found my post insulting or not helpful, fine. I am sure somebody would disagree.

Deborah - posted on 07/08/2010

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I just wanted to say something real quick to Mandy. I'm not sure if you are new to circle of moms but giving and getting advice is kind of the whole point of the site. It is a place for moms to collaborate and find solutions to problems that they are experiencing. If you are a mom that has never had to ask for advice on anything or get help with anything then I guess you are just one of those moms who knows everything about everything. But not all of us are that lucky, we need to reach out to people for help sometimes and I don't see a problem with that. If you check my profile you will see that I have responded to many posts with lot's of advice or answers for questions. I do this because I have alot of experience with children both personally and professionally. I like the fact that I can help moms who are just looking for a little advice and sometimes just a little support. I don't want to seem rude or anything but if you are not going to actually give helpful advice to these postings please just don't say anything. Again I don't want to seem rude I just want you to understand the purpose of this site. Thank You.

Diane - posted on 07/07/2010

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Mhmm tuff one.. you could try a quick tap on the butt then point the finger at her and say NO firmly or maybe act like it realy is hurting you and make her kiss it, and say don't hurt mommy with a sad face lol...make her feel bad about it

Mandy - posted on 07/07/2010

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I think each parent has to make choices that are best for their own family. Advice is pretty much useless - at least that has been my experience. While it is well intended, is is just what has worked for somebody else on somebody else. If anything, I suppose other's advice might be a starting point for finding resolution for your own family. I think people casting their opinions on everything about what is right and what is wrong is going to far... it's just too much and leaves many mothers more confused or rather insecure about their own decisions. Other's however, probably feel they need it or even want it. To each is own. :)

Jacqueline - posted on 07/07/2010

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yeah spanking and slapping never does any good only teaches them to hit more and more my son started the same thing at a year old because his father would let him hit him in the face and laugh about it so he thought it was funny too and a right thing to do so i had to reteach him that it wasnt funny and wasnt a nice thing to do and all i did was grab his hand and move it away with out saying a word or showing any expression towards what he was doing if u ignore that behavior and do not give them a reaction they seek, they eventually realize it wont work so they give up took my son 2-3 weeks before he stopped slapping

Kristen - posted on 07/07/2010

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Consistency is definitely the key, but I know how it can be on those days where one "no" turns into them swinging non-stop and the only thing that seems to get them to stop is a swat on the behind after numerous time-outs, firm talking-to's, etc. I do not buy the "your child will be scarred forever" mania, however, I do NOT believe in excessive spanking or that being the first route of discipline. To me, it should be the last resort when nothing else has worked. And to be honest, if you hit someone, you can generally expect to get hit back - so I don't consider it a mortal sin to show them that if they continue to hit they will get hit back. Of course we don't want to cause harm, and that diaper padding definitely keeps that from happening with a light swat.

So basically, use your best judgement. Don't be out to "hurt" your child back, but its definitely important that they realize hitting is NOT ok and especially hitting mommy is never acceptable.

Sharon - posted on 07/06/2010

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We tryed American Sign Language it is easy to learn. You can find a book at the library or on line. Please and Thank you are fun and food or eat is good drink is a great one and for a diaper change my son grabs his diaper and says uchy. As long as you tell her that it is not good and that we don't hit and that she can talk using her hand so that you can understand her. Her whole attitude and actions may change for the better. It is just a suggestion is she cutting teeth? Sometimes my kids would hit me when they couldn't tell me that they were in pain. Stay encouraged and consistant.

Merenda - posted on 07/05/2010

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Your child is still small and still learning so keep being firm without spanking.Reassure him you still love him can be good. At times they are looking for more attention.Better put him in a safe place and go to your room to cool off when all this do happen and let him know it is not nice to do what the did..Do a one-minute anti-stress exercise Sit in a quiet place and take deep breaths, concentrating on your breathing.Always remember kids just love to imitate, especially people whom they love and respect. Spanking demonstrates that it's all right for people to hit people, and especially for big people to hit little people, and stronger people to hit weaker people.
So better finds another forms of solutions as He just wanted you to give him what he wanted or let him do what he wanted to do.He is even too young to understand the logic behind punishments.

Bo Lynn - posted on 07/05/2010

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I made the saddest face I could and fake cried until I saw his face change and I let him know that it hurts. He is a very empathetic child :D

Betina - posted on 07/05/2010

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So far a slap on the hand has worked for me and my 19 month old. I started having to do this occasionally when she was about 15 months. I don't do it so softly that it's not effective, but not so hard it would actually hurt, either. And I only do it if I've already told her no and she does it anyway.

Lisbeth - posted on 06/29/2010

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Yeah DON'T SPANK at any age. She is still very young she probably is just frustrated what I did with my little girl she is 20 months is if she would slap me I grab her hand say no then I take her hand and rub it gentle on my face and say gentle you need to be gentle same goes for pinching were ever she may pinch it is just a baby stage be patient it will show her so much more than to spank her

Yvonda - posted on 06/29/2010

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just be patient and keep being firm with her, she's probably just frustrated that she can't tell you want she wants at the time,( my personal opinion is that a child shouldn't be spanked at this age) but now would be the time to start (if you havent already) to have her try to speak words for what she want when she points, maybe that will help good luck!!

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