this is not a "mom" issue but i am in desperate need of advice and insite...

Jennifer - posted on 11/03/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

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growing up i was very close to a girl named angela. we went to school together and basically shared families. in highschool we joined different crowds and stopped spending time together. she has recently reappeared in my life, after 5 years of no contact, with a new fiance. i welcomed her back with open arms as did my family.

she and her new fiance had a fight and i stepped in and sent him an email that said to consider this decision seriously. that i would rather see her happy and single than married and miserable. advised him not to tell her about this email to make it seem as if he had figured all this out on his own. i also told him if he ever needed someone to talk to that he could call me - gave her the same offer. he responded with appreciation and gratitude for my love and respect for angela and my overall concern with their happiness.

last week they broke up again and he called at midnight. we talked for an hour about what had been said and done. i offered my wisdom and advice as i do for many of my friends. i advised him that if he wanted to make it work he should start back at grown zero and build the relationship back up. once he was sure there could be a steady and healthy relationship between them to consider marriage. when i got off the phone with him i immedantly called angela, concerned for her emotional state after this rough break-up. told her he had called and that i thought she could use a friend. this was my apparent mistake.

she took my friendship with her fiance to mean that i had ill intentions. (i am happily married to a wonderful man and would never dream of cheating on him not to mention with the fiance of a friend.)

so she has since accused me a taking her fiance away, having an affair with him, and ruining her relationship. mind you they broke up before he called me and we only talked once. her idea of cheating is doing anything with someone of the opposite sex that you would normally do with your spouse/fiance/boy-girl friend and trying to hide it. i never asked him to hide any interactions other than that first email and even then said that if he had already or wanted to tell her that it was fine with me.

now they have both removed me from their friend list on facebook and i have been made out to be the bad guy. the fact that they have since both removed me from their friend list leads me to believe that they are trying to work things out but i do not know. neither of them will have any contact with me.

please lend my your wisdom, insite, and advice concerning this matter for i am lost in the translation. my husband is the only one who will stand my be and say that i did nothing wrong except try to save a realtionship for a friend.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

D'Etta - posted on 11/03/2009

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Sometimes it's easier to blame a third party then to actually fix what's wrong in a relationship. You can't make someone see the truth when they're blinded by anything (especially 'love'). I say give her time, and see if she comes around. But, if she can cast you off that easily... your relationship with her is no stronger than her relationship with him and is doomed to problems. Enjoy being drama-free for now. :)

ANDRENIA - posted on 11/05/2009

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You know what I understand that she is was your friend but sometimes you have to turn the other cheek and just let things be the way they are going to be. You are not in high school anymore and you have your own marriage to work at so just pray and let GOD handle the rest!

[deleted account]

Sounds like Angela's insecurities got the best of her. I would let it go. If she doesn't trust you and won't even try to understand your intentions then perhaps she's not the friend for you.

Tajma - posted on 11/03/2009

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Hello, Jennifer



I understand you were trying to help a long lost friend , but it is not so simple. You have to remember that she was gone for 5 years and people change. Their argument was shocking to you because your husband may not act in that manor so you were affended. What you don't know is if this was normal behavior to them. She knows how to handle her man and she still feels like she don't know you. I think your intentions were in the right place,but really think about the way you placed urself in the middle of their relationship. How would you feel if someone was to call your husband and tell him how to deal with you I don't think you would send a thank you card. Even thought you were playing it safe you still put your nose where it did not belong. I don't want to come off mean because I have been in your shoes more than once. Maybe it is best that you 2 aren't friends she seems to be high maintance. And women like that can mess up your happy home. Because you are taking on someone elses problems. Learn to love from a far. Ladies night, shopping, lunch those type of things.

I hope this helps good luck....

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19 Comments

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Alisha - posted on 11/08/2009

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Quoting melissa:

Call it a Lesson Learned don't get involved in other relationships the best way to help a friend who is fighting with the s/o it to Listen nod and buy the coffee! you don't know how things will end up and if you get involved you end up in these sort of situations i can see you have good intentions but when it comes to other peoples relationships "No good deed goes unpunished" best to just smile and nod and cuddles are good too!



I could not agree more. Never, ever get in the middle. That means don't bad mouth the guy either, what if she takes him back. Your only responsibility and loyalty is to the girlfriend. Like Melissa says, nod, hug and buy the coffee (or liquor!)

Michelle - posted on 11/08/2009

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Well thats what u get because in all honesty you should have NEVER gotten involved. it was bound to blow up in you ur face from the moment you took it upon yourself to become the mediator between the 2. i know you have good intentions but a relationship is 2 ppl its bound to become a mess if someone else gets in the middle . i hope you learned from this and stick to ur own relationship from now on. good luck i hope she can forgive you one day.

Amanda - posted on 11/08/2009

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I am in Angela's position actually & i looked to my friend ( as selfish as it sounds) to be my support only. Just someone to lean on and confide in without her attempting to be dr phil for the both of us. And she went to my hsuband with what i confided in her trying ( as a friend) to understand where i was coming from, but thats not what i wanted! And i felt threatend by their friendship...I appreciated her advice but i didnt appreciate her going to my husbands rescue either..She, like you, was just trying to mediate and try & prevent such possible painful endings but it wasnt her place to do so, all i needed was her to be MY friend and be there for ME and support ME! Just give them space, and learn from the experience and dont go on to feel that ur the bad guy cuz ur intention wasnt to be! But im learning sometimes what others intentions are, good or bad, the other party never sees it that way...If u so ever choose to regain ur friendships, dont allow it to be awkward, u lived & learned and move on and just be there for her and never keep anything from her! Good luck hun!

Leanna - posted on 11/08/2009

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i agree never get in the middle even tho u wanted to help.. ecspecailly talkin to the male. i think since she was not in your life for 5 yrs and now this. i think you can just go on with your life. its better then being in the middle or having drama ecspecially if you are happily married! its better to just have what is better for you and your life and what makes u happy!

Jennifer - posted on 11/06/2009

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It is very difficult, but I would leave it alone for now. If your friendship is meant to be then she will come talk to you! If not then it just isn't worth worrying about!

Kaye - posted on 11/06/2009

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I think you were only trying to help your good friend and her man, and the way you have been treated maybe shows them both in their true colours? I personally don't think you should feel bad about what you did to try and save their relationship ( which by the sound of it was doomed anyhow ) I think you should just get on with your life as you did for the 5 years you had no contact with your friend, and I'm sure one day when it all goes wrong for her with her man, she will come back and probably be quite ashamed of how she treated you. If she doesn't then she wasn't a true friend to begin with and I'd just put it all behind you.
Take care
Kaye x

Melissa - posted on 11/05/2009

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OH and NEVER EVER send E-mails to somebody eleses s/o offering to "be there for them" It just seems dodgy

Melissa - posted on 11/05/2009

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Call it a Lesson Learned don't get involved in other relationships the best way to help a friend who is fighting with the s/o it to Listen nod and buy the coffee! you don't know how things will end up and if you get involved you end up in these sort of situations i can see you have good intentions but when it comes to other peoples relationships "No good deed goes unpunished" best to just smile and nod and cuddles are good too!

Kerry - posted on 11/03/2009

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The thing with getting involved in other peoples relationships is that they work it out after the disagreement but, being the third party, you don't go through all the "getting back together" and patching things up process, so your left with all that has been dumped on you.

I think it was wrong of you to get involved in the first place by sending that email and subsequently you have now been blamed for the turmoil and probably inadvertently pushed them back together!!

Shayna - posted on 11/03/2009

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Although I don't think you did anything wrong per-say, I would suggest with common sense of having close friends, not to be talking with their boyfriend/husband about their relationship. Be there for her 100%, not him (depending on the sito') because jumping in between both people will never be a good outcome. This is a time where she feels very vulnerable and insecure about herself. I'm sure she probably also feels humiliated with her dirty laundry being aired all the time in your life.



I don't think she is really truly believes anything happened between the two of you, I think she is just not in the peppiest mood, and wants to take her anger & frustrations out on anyone, especially someone who is on the side of someone who is making her feel that way.

[deleted account]

NEVER have contact with a friend's s/o and "hide" this contact from them!!! I have a friend who I have talked to her spouse in the same manner that you discuss, but I sent all correspondence between us to her and would tell her when we had talked. Everything was completely in the open and my talking to her husband (as we all went to school together in childhood/teens) never became an issue.



As far as the situation at hand...only time will tell how this works out. It may take a while, possibly for their relationship to break again? If she was a good friend she will come around eventually, give her time... I would prepare yourself to possibly never reconcile this friendship though.

Amy - posted on 11/03/2009

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Quoting Karen:

Although you had good intentions, learn something very important from this lesson: NEVER, NEVER get in between a man and a woman's problems. You will always end up being the bad guy. It's too late now, but don't make this mistake again. Just mind your own business and you won't upset anyone. As far as your friendship with Angela, assume it is over now, and move on.



i agree with this 100%. its unfortunate, but its true :/

Melissa - posted on 11/03/2009

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I am so sorry that you are having these problems. It is very hard for some women to understand that not all interactions with a man & woman are of the romantic type. Some women are very insecure and if they are having this much trouble, you may need to stay away from that anyway. If you surround yourself with people with trouble, you see yourself having trouble too.

Karen - posted on 11/03/2009

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Although you had good intentions, learn something very important from this lesson: NEVER, NEVER get in between a man and a woman's problems. You will always end up being the bad guy. It's too late now, but don't make this mistake again. Just mind your own business and you won't upset anyone. As far as your friendship with Angela, assume it is over now, and move on.

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