is it better than my daughters hopeless dad stays out of her life? or does a child need a dad?

Kate - posted on 11/19/2009 ( 20 moms have responded )

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my daughters dad and i split up when she was 1 year old, he was a useless dad, never helped, moaned when asked to do anything and never played with our daughter, since we split up 8 months ago he hasnt seen her or bothered phoning to see how she is. is it better that he stays away or do i persuade him to take a part in our daughters life for her sake?

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Jakala - posted on 11/19/2009

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You should be open to him but it's not your job to make him participate.

Make him a Christmas card sign it with her hand print and name and year add in a picture. Send him some of the things that she will make during her early years with a picture and date.

If she gets to know him later she may go to his house and potentially see the things that you did to encourage him to be involved.

Take care of your daughter, don't talk bad about him but answer her directly and honestly when she asks which some day she will.

It will all work itself out

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Kate - posted on 11/22/2009

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Hi Kate. I have had the same prob for 12 years. I have finally drawn a line under it and now understand that I can't do any more. I used to send copies of my son's nursery/school reports, tickets for school productions etc. So many years later I wonder why I have bothered. U can't force anyone to be a parent, even if they have biological tie.As long as your child has both male and female influences during thir life, that is all that matters. Hope this helps a tiny bit x

Jean - posted on 11/22/2009

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Personally, I think a father plays a very significant role in a child's life. But if he himself isn't bothered, I think your baby girl is better off being surrounded by people who genuinely love her and not with people moaning about having to be there and watching the clock till they can leave.

Nichole - posted on 11/22/2009

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Screw that, if he hasn't done anything now, then why should he give 2 shits about her a month year or 2 years down the line. Obviously, just another deadbeat dad. I wouldn't even bother going after him for child support bc you probably won't get that shit either. What a piece of shit. He needs a swift kick in the balls. Your daughter and you are way better off without him!

Brooke - posted on 11/21/2009

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i think every little girl needs a dad but my real dad didnt want anything to do with me and i was fine with just me and my mom then she met my step dad and he was like my best friend until they split up then it went back to just me my mom and my little sister my step dads girl friend didnt want anything to do with us so we didnt go to his house much but i think you will find some one oneday that will want to be a father to your daughter i wish i would have been able to have my real dad around but he finally wanted to see me when i turned 16 and then i found out what type of person he really was and now im glad that he was not part of my life growing up i think you will do a wonderful job rasing your daughter and i would not push him to particapte if he doesnt want to it is his fault on what he is missing out on and he may realize that one day and it may be better for your daughter if he doesnt have anything to do with her if he didnt want to in the first place

Angela - posted on 11/21/2009

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I agree with Chastity. In an ideal situation, a child would have two parents, but begging you daughter's father to be a part of her life will not help her or you. Instead, it will make her feel worse about her situation and wonder why this important person wants nothing to do with her. My daughter's father has chosen to not be a part of her life and I don't talk about him to her. When she starts to have questions about her father, I will answer them, but right now my focus is having her concentrate on the people who are in her life and letting her know that she is loved and building her self-esteem.

Every woman I know who's been raised with one parent and has healthy self-esteem were raised this way. The absentee parent wasn't mentioned unless they had questions about them. The questions were answered factually with no assumptions of why they are the way they are. In truth, we don't really know why a father chooses not to be involved in a child's life. It's their decision and I've been told by other men, one that they will one day regret so the way I look at it is the father of my daughter made an adult decision and he will have to pay the consequences for it. My daughter though should not feel like she's missing out, because he's the one who is truly missing out. Everyone who knows her, loves her and she is very much loved by the people who know her. That's what she needs to know. When she is older, she will understand more about the tough decsions adults make.

Kristen - posted on 11/20/2009

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I think children should have their father in their life. But they are also better off if the father dosen't want to be there. You know the saying, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink". He's probably going to be more stubborn the more you push. Maybe one day he will grow up, and be able to be in her life. But it seems like your a great mommy, and you know whats best for your daughter. I'd just let him choose the timing. That way in the future, your not being resented by them, and then he will have to explain why he was never there. Hope this helps a little...Kristen

Brittany - posted on 11/20/2009

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I would leave it up to him. If he doesnt take the initiative to see his child I wouldnt force him to. Because u def dont want him around if he doesnt want to be because he wont be the best parent. He has to want to. I always called the father of my child to remind him when to pick up his child b/c i wanted her to have both parents. But now that I have let him build a relationship with her he is trying to take over. We are now in a horrible custody battle. If there was one thing I would have changed it would be to have not forced his daughter on him b/c now that they have a relationship he has a new girlfriend that is trying to take over. Its horrible b/c he was never wanted to be there before but now that he has a new girlfriend he is letting her dictate everything. Just save urself the headache by not forcing a relationship b/c its probably best that way.

Erica - posted on 11/20/2009

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well I have a situation where my fiancee has had other children in his past. He, for a while, was down and out and was unable to contact his children- therefor his baby's momma's thought he was just a dead beat dad, and he, or i could not convince them other wise. He talks about them all the time and misses them so much but they wont let him see his children. I now have a daughter with him and he is the best father I've ever seen! He still tries to see his other children, but their mothers are rude, crude, and socially unacceptable- and they always talk negative to their children about him- which in my opinion is wrong! Please, don't talk trash about him to your daughter. Let her think what ever she wants about him- and answer any questions she has about him honesty without putting your personal opinion about him into it....everything will work out for you and your little one eventually. Hopefully he will straiten out, too!

Rachel - posted on 11/20/2009

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bugger him, if he doesn't feel that you daughter is reason enough to pick up the phone and organise to see her then he is simply does not deserve to see her...It's his decision to not make an effort and until he does your baby is better off without the confusion...
Good Luck on what you decide xxx ♥

Candice - posted on 11/19/2009

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if he can be persuaded, i would try...but i have a feeling all the persuading in the world won't help. a guy has to want to be a dad to act like a dad.

Crystal - posted on 11/19/2009

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i would give him the choice, either your here or not..make the decision....its more harmful for him to be there sometimes and sometimes not then to just be gone....my parents were also divorced when i was 4 and he would not show up sometimes and thats devistating to a child..

Brandi - posted on 11/19/2009

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I can tell you from experience that a child does not NECESSARILY need a father, but they do need a "father figure". My mother and father divorced when I was 4. My brother and I saw our father nearly every weekend until i was 11, then he had an aneurism and became really odd. It totally changed his personality!!!!! he seemed to forget he had children. He would show up like on father's day after having been gone and out of our lives for almost the whole year. It was sort of a mess. Thank GOD, I had several AWESOME men I could really look up to and see what good men actually looked like. My stepfather, my grandfather, and my uncle were all fantastic. As long as your daughter has people like that in her life, she will turn out just fine. I have a wonderful husband and two fantastic kids, and very beautiful normal life that I don't believe would have ever been had it not been for these very important men. My father and I don't speak. I don't know where he lives and quite frankly i just don't really care that much. I certainly don't need him for anything when I have my stepfather who my kids call pappy and my uncle and grandfather. You and your daughter are gonna be just fine. :-)))))

Maggie - posted on 11/19/2009

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If he's that uninterested in being part of her life then she's better off without him. He's a poor model of what a husband/mate and father should be. Seek out more positive role models for your daughter, like your father, brother, or uncle.
Having said that - if he does show interest then allow him to talk to her or see her. He might come around one day and see how wonderful your daughter is.

Heather - posted on 11/19/2009

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You can't make him be a dad. Be open to it I guess, but if he's useless now, chances are pretty good that not much is going to change.

That being said, my daughter has 2 moms and no dad and I think she'll be fine.
We have a lot of positive male examples who spend time with her (and no, they're not gay)

Griselda - posted on 11/19/2009

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Definitely persuade him to take part in your daughter's life. Children especially girls in my opinion need their father in their life. Not only is it mentally healthy for them but it also gives them that extra confidence in life to take the right decision when approached with a sticky situation.

For example, if there's no father figure around most girls (not all) will look for it as they start getting older... in other words, they start to 'crave' love from a male, start desiring the love of a boy, hence, they start to date at an early age, thet start to believe that they are in love with the fist boy that tells them "I love you" and many times end up getting pregnant.

By all means, I'm not saying that there's where you're precious girl is heading but I've worked in many social service agencies that dealth with teenagers and many have told me that they lead in the "wrong" path due to lack of a paternal figure.



If your daughter's father chooses not be involved in her life anymore do not bad mouth him ever. You don't want your daughter to grow up with a negative impression of him based on what you say. Let her figure it out on her own as she grows up. (Again not mentally healthy for a child)



I'd have a LONG talk with your baby's father to tell him that you realize that he's made a mistake by being absent in his daugther's life but that right now is the right time to rectify it and that later on it just may be too late (but don't say it in a threathening way) if he chooses to stay away.

You guys can either take two approaches. Go to court to set a formal visiting schedule or you can do it in private. In other words, both mutually agree on dates an times for visitations.

Some thing that I do advice you to do is get sole physical and legal custody of your little girl because he ever wants to play dirty with you he can beat you to court and file custody papers and then you're in a heap of trouble. Save yourself a headache/s.



Bottom line give him a chance to rectify and never talk say negative things about your baby's father to your little girl.

Rebecca - posted on 11/19/2009

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My mother split up with my biological father when I was 3. I have never seen or heard from him since. I don't remember him. It used to bother me growing up, that he could turn his back on a child. All I knew from my mother was that he was addicted to drugs and alcohol. It wasn't until I had a child of my own with a similar guy that I realized the gift he had given me by staying out of my life. My ex-husband is not allowed to see or contact us for a few years, and I don't know if she'll recognize him should that day come. Being safe now, I realize how much damage was being done at the time. Having no father is much better than having a destructive one. Keep your daughter safe. That's all that's important. The rest will fall into place.

Kate - posted on 11/19/2009

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thank you everybody for your comments, i did try at first to keep him involved by ringing and telling him about her and what she's been doing, now i have no means of contacting him so its up to him to contact me, he tells everybody that i have stopped him from seeing her which is not true. i tried my best and now i have given up and its all in his hands now. i show my daughter photos of him and teach her to say daddy and now she recognises his face in photos. there is nothing more i can do. when he does ring i will let him see her but until then i cant do anything. it seems a shame that he cannot be bothered with her but atleast i know im not the only mum with the same problem,

Elizabth - posted on 11/19/2009

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It is one thing if you are keeping them from seeing eachother but you are not. You cannot make him want to be a father to your daughter. If he was not involved before the split than nine times out of ten he will not be involved after. I have the same problem with my daughter's father. He lives in another state and he barely calls to check on her. I use to call so she could talk to him but I started to feel like it was not my responsibility. You should not have to make it easy for him to be a father. Shoot it is not easy to be a mother so why make it easy on him. Now that he calls I let her answer and she does the rejection for me. She is two years old and does not know him and it is nobody's fault but his. If I were you I would let him be and if is a real sorry man then as a mother it is your duty to protect your daughter from ANYBODY. Hopefully your daughter's father will wake up and see that your little girl needs both parents. Like I said, do not make him be a father because all the disappointment you are feeling now will only be passed on to your daughter when she is big enough to understand that daddy does not want to be a daddy to her.

Chasity - posted on 11/19/2009

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EVERY CHILD SHOULD HAVE BOTH PARENTs. HOWEVER, UNFORTUNATELY ALOT OF MEN2DAY CHOOSE2NOT BE APART OF THEIR CHILD/CHILDRENs LIFE. SO2ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, IF HE WANTs2B APART OF HIS CHILDs LIFE&IS DOING THE RIGHT THINGs THEN HE HAS EVERY RIGHT2BE APART OF HIS CHILDs LIFE. HOWEVER, IF HE IS USELESS&DOES NOT BOTHER2SEE OR BE INVOLVED IN HIS CHILDs LIFE THEN YOU DO NOT NEED HIM AND NEITHER DOES YOUR DUAGHTER. IF I WERE YOU I WOULD NOT BEG HIM2DO ANYTHING. YOU CAN DO BAD ALL BY YOURSELF. GOD BUILT US WOMEN FORD TOUGH...WHICH IS WHY SO MANY OF US ARE ABLE2DO IT BY OURSELVES!

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