Mom was released from jail. Now what?

Charlene - posted on 10/31/2012 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My cousin passed away a few months ago leaving behind a baby girl who ended up in foster care because her mother wasn't a part of her life. Her mom had gone to jail in April and my cousin passed in May. My husband and I proceeded with the necessary steps to get the baby out of foster care and she has been in our home for two months. She is adjusting wonderfully and is very attached to us. I received a call from the case workers on yesterday advising me that her mother was released from jail and is suddenly interested in becoming a mother to her although she has two other kids whom she is not involved with at all. The baby never had stability even when my cousin was alive because both parents abused drugs. I am being asked to contact mom and allow her to talk to the baby by phone. Mom also wants to follow a case plan so that she can get the baby back. The baby was born with drugs in her system and spent a large portion of her life in medical foster care. I am truly sick about having to deal with this woman! I was told by family who has met her that she is very rude and irrational as well as disrespectful and foul mouth. If I don't tell her what she wants to hear and she gets rude with me how do I handle this? Should I even allow her to talk to the baby by phone?

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Patricia - posted on 11/04/2012

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The mother has to have a steady income an provide a stable home does she hve these things,im sure she dosent.....you and your husband sound like a much better choice for the child...good luck my prayers are with you....

Patricia - posted on 11/04/2012

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I wouldnt deal with her directly but through a third party and have her have a chance to do a case plan because chances ar she will not complete this succesfully ,her old life of drugs may creep back in after a time....this will be apparent to case managers if this happens and all the while there will be documentations going on by social services,you and the third part. All the while you can petition the courts for custody of her in the event that the mom dosent change for the better and all the documentation has been gathered during tis process thenyou will be granted custody on those grounds...The mom should be made to go into a rehabe that she must live in for awhile, go to parenting with after care,anger managment,counceling,she has other children also,so all these things she should have to do ,and if she really wants the children then she will complete all this.Ithink a mental eval. would good to ask for mother aswell do to her history.

Nicky - posted on 11/03/2012

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Has the mom ever been in the childs life? From what I have read I dont believe its in the childs best interest to let the mom be in her life. But if the case workers are asking you to contact her then you should. If she starts getting rude or acting a way you dont want to deal with tell her your not going to deal with this and to contact you when she can act like an adult. Also document everything, every phone call what day, what time, what was said. Its always a good thing to do. Just in case this ends up in court you have records of you trying to be civil and she was not. I do this with my 11 yr olds father Ive been in and out of court with him for the past 8 yrs. I document everything from phone calls, what days he picks him up, times he picks him up and drops him off, if hes late and so on. Its very helpful. So that way if they ask what happened on a certain date you can go right back and look and know exactly. How old is the child? I wish you guys all the best and hope everything turns out great for you guys and the child!!

Kristin - posted on 11/01/2012

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WOW good for you and your husband to take in the baby. if the mother becomes rude and angry with you simply tell her that wont be tolerated and hang up the phone. Document everything so that when it goes to court you and yor husband have a strong case of why the baby would be better off with you than with the bio mom. IMO I think the mother will probably let you adopt the child if that is what you wanted to do because i think for her it is a novelty to be a mother but i am sure that will wear off as she already has not contact with her other children. Maybe the mother is looking for money i dont know but whatever the case may be stand firm be polite and document everything. I will pray that you and your husband will get to keep the baby and that bio mom will not play a large role in her life.

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Kristin - posted on 12/06/2012

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I am sorry for the mother but it is awesome for you guys. I sincerly hope it all goes well for the sake of the child. I will keep saying a prayer for you and your family

Charlene - posted on 12/06/2012

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I will write an updated post if there are any major turn of events, Kristin. Just last week we were contacted by the GAL (guardian ad litem) and told that the mother has not followed any part of the case plan. The GAL is very much advocating for the best interest of the baby and is not biased towards us at all. She strictly cares about the baby and wants what is best for her, therefore, she has been trying to assist the mother with following the case plan & trying to get her the help she needs to make it happen for the sake of the child. It is her job to do so but mom has not followed thru so things are beginning to lean towards our favor. Thank you all for your prayers. We certainly need them.

Kristin - posted on 12/06/2012

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Charlene,



Can you please give us an update on your situation. I do hope you are able to adopt the child and the mother will clean up her act and at least have visitation and maybe one day will have a meaningful relationship with her child. In the meantime I strongly believe it is in this childs best interest to stay in your home where she is loved, and it is a stable happy home. Please keep us posted.

Sarah - posted on 12/06/2012

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I would definitely agree with those who said to follow the case worker's orders/suggestions. I would not pay the mom or loan the mom the money to come see her own daughter. If she wants to be the mommy that bad then she will figure it out. I would also agree that if you and your hubby are wanting to adopt, then now is the time to bring it up. You want everyone to know that if in the event that the mother fails to follow through with the things she is ordered to do to get custody of her child back that there will be no further need to relocate the child. Also, like someone also said anytime you talk with the mom or allow the mom to talk to the child (always have it on speaker or have another phone available so you can hear the conversation) document it. It could be as simple as what you said in your previous post about talking to her and she seemed very thankful and humble and hinting at maybe needing money to be able to see child, but I didn't touch on that subject with her at all. Give the date and time. That way you have all your ducks in a row. I pray that the child will be put in the best place. If mom cleans up at stays stable at a job and place to live that is clean and continues to do as the case workers and the courts tell her, then a child should be with the mom. However, if she becomes rude to you or your hubby and doesn't stay clean and maintain a job and a safe place for a child then you and your hubby should get to keep the child. She will be safe with you and loved. Your family will be in my prayers as well as the case workers and courts that have to make these difficult decisions all in the best interest of the child.

Cleaver - posted on 11/26/2012

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well if you dont do what the case worker suggests it MIGHT come back to bite you. it best thing to do might be to consult a lawyer see that they say

[deleted account]

And to many others: just because this mother has screwed up, lied, and did dope, it doesnt mean she doesnt love her children. it means she doesnt love herself. and how can you take care of anyone else when you dont love yourself. its a sad thing that this happens, and that baby girl will always feel a little something missing but im sure the people who have her now will do great and help her fill it the right way.

[deleted account]

Sign for adoption.... i just want to let you know, i have 10 siblings, and we have ALL been taken away from our birth mother. 5 of us were LUCKY to get adopted, the rest.. not so much... i love my mom, i really do, but i watched her put my younger sibling in and out of forster care, she kept screwing up, doping and leaving us for days. talk to the worker about adoption. Depending on the mothers history with the ministry, you might get it right away.

Charlene - posted on 11/20/2012

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Thank you everyone. To answer your questions...no she has never been in the baby's life, she does not have a place to live or any income. I reluctantly spoke with her yesterday. She seems very humble & thankful so far but has somewhat hinted at needing money in order to be able to do her visitations. I completely skipped that subject. I don't wish failure on her but I really hope that she just gives up and allows us to take care of the baby. We have completely changed her life to a more stable and normal one. We love her so much and although it's a challenge, we are willing and able to do it for her. She goes to a great school, she has her own room which she loves playing in, she has a daily schedule, she is attached to us and her dog. We are excited about the holidays. If you believe in prayer, please pray that the baby is able to stay in our home.

Sophia - posted on 11/20/2012

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not sure what to tell you... but its one of those things she is the mother ... not a mom.

Charlene - posted on 11/01/2012

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Thank you so much Kristin! We are also praying and hoping for adoption. This has been hard for us because we did not have children prior to bringing her home so we have taken a parenting class just to learn a few things and get a few pointers on raising a toddler. She is truly a blessing in our home and we hope to keep her permanently.

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