My 13 month old is sleeping almost all night in my bed now..what am I doing wrong..besides the obvious?

Kim - posted on 06/17/2012

Thanks so much for all fo the advice. As far as naps go she only takes one a day. She'll go down 3-4 hours after she wakes in the morning and she'll sleep anywhere from 1 hour to 2 1/2 hours just depending on the day. Then the rest of the day she's fully charged and doesnt appear to want another nap. On the few days she has taken a later nap she's up until like 11:30 at night. So the sticking with one nap then to bed at 7:30 seems to be working ok.

Thanks for the advice that I'm not really doing anything "wrong" by having her in there. Of course I love cuddling her and sleeping with her. I just know at some point she should be sleeping in her own bed and I want to make sure I'm not doing anything wrong. She moves A LOT while sleeping. I'm wondering if she's not waking her self up shifting and bumping the sides of the crib. She might be ready for a toddler bed sooner than I thought.

Charlotte - posted on 06/16/2012

We had a similar situation. I actually disagree with the theory that the older kids get, the more difficult the sleep habits are to break. I think that for each child there are good moments in their development that allow you to show them how to sleep through the night relatively painlessly. Perhaps it is 4 or 5 months for some kids, and perhaps it is closer to 18+ months for others. I also think that the only person that knows this sweet spot is the primary care giver. Trust your gut to know when is a good time for you and your daughter. Don't forget that you also factor into this equation, as perhaps you enjoy co-sleeping on some level, I know I did. If now is not the time to make the change, then enjoy these precious co-sleeping moments and try again next month, or whenever. Stressing out about sleeping arrangements is not worth it in the big picture. The only worry is ensuring that your daughter is adequately rested. Our method took a month or so, but was gentler on baby and certainly gentler on mom. We picked a time when our daughter was not experiencing separation anxiety, and then started our plan. Starting from day one, our daughter was to sleep the whole night in her crib. Every time she woke up, we would go to her immediately (as we knew from experience that she would absolutely not settle on her own), and bring her into our bed. She nursed and when very drowsy, or lightly asleep, we would put her back in the crib. Crying was minimal as she was super sleepy, and we would say "night night, it is time to go to sleep" and walk out quickly. If crying continued, we did the ferber method i.e. go in after one minute, (then 3 min, then 5 min etc) and say night night, hug without taking her out of crib, and then leave in under a minute. After a few days or so, once she would no longer cry after being put back in crib, we started to go to her when she woke and bring her to our bed, but only sit up in bed and holding her. Again returning her to the crib when drowsy and saying "night night it is time to go to sleep". The next step was sitting on side of our bed and holding her, then returning her to the crib and saying "night night it is time to go to sleep". The next step was going to her and standing by crib and holding her for as long as necessary, returning her to the crib and saying "night night it is time to go to sleep". The next step was just going to her and giving her a tight squeeze hug but not taking her out of the crib and only being in room for a minute or less (my husband started doing this bit as we were also progressively eliminating night nursing at that point). By this stage, after a few nights, our daughter barely woke between 7pm and 6am, but if she did, we would just speak through the baby monitor and say "night night it is time to go to sleep". After she was sleeping through the night, she started to wake super early like 5am, and apparently this is common for the first few weeks after they start to sleep through. It is fairly fruitless to expect her to go back to sleep when she feels so rested. If it continues for more than a few days, then definitely put her to bed half an hour early or more, as over tiredness will absolutely sabotage all your previous efforts. You may even want to start the whole process with an earlier bedtime as we have always found the earlier our daughter goes to bed, the better she sleeps. Also, the "night night it is time to go to sleep" phrase really helped calm her, and to this day is her trigger to know that it is time to go to sleep. I think that for us, the whole plan was to help reduce her anxiety about being left alone in her room, and that mom and dad were there when needed, but that she must go to sleep. Even before we thought she could understand us, I would say"no need to worry, mommy is right outside the door if you need me". I swear she understood me and was calmed. One last thing, is that before we implemented our plan, we started trying to bond her to a special doll (a Carolle doll). We would brush dolly's teeth before bed and put dolly in the crib. We also attached dolly to her stroller etc. I think going to bed with her dolly certainly helped her.

Barbara - posted on 06/12/2012

How long and what times is she going down for a nap during the day? Maybe you need to start cutting back on nap time a bit. My daughter slept in pack and play in bassinet mode right by our bed for the first 3 months. I could pull her in to bed with me when I needed to, but didn't need to worry about her in our soft pillow top (SIDS scared the heck out of me). Then she transitioned to a crib and slept through the night for the most part. At about 1 year she had about 4 weeks where she was up constantly in the night and was having night terrors! I worked full-time still and was at my wits end. I wasn't getting enough sleep and got pretty sick during that time probably from sheer exhaustion. I started cutting her afternoon nap shorter and put her down for her nap just a little earlier, so she was definitely ready for bed at night. She was also cutting teeth so I gave her a little Tylenol about 15-30 minutes before bed. I don't know if it was just a phase, but eventually she started sleeping through the night again.

Whenever she cries at night I do bring her in to bed with me, but once she's asleep (usually within 10 minutes) I move her back to her crib. I also wait just a bit before I get her (enough to know she's really awake and not just half awake and making noises) because about 60% of the time she settles herself back to sleep. She's 26 months old now and for the most part she sleeps through the night in her bed, about once or twice a month she'll wake and come to our bed for a little bit then go back to her crib. I have no qualms about bringing her into our bed when she cries out in the middle of the night. I mean I remember being 10 and crawling in to my mom's side of the bed because I had a bad dream, there is nothing wrong with comforting your child when they need it. I always woke up in the morning in my own bed though, so I do try to do that with my daughter.

Vicki - posted on 06/10/2012

Just to reassure you, you aren't doing anything wrong by having her in your bed and it's not something that necessarily needs to be 'broken'. My boy has always slept in our bed. A few months ago (about 2.5 years) he decided to sleep in his own bed (we've had the bed set up for awhile but never made him sleep in it). He still comes for us for a cuddle, but often not until the sun is up. There's been no tears, no need to break a habit, just a gradual change as he's ready. Personally I wouldn't worry about the future and go with what works now. That 2 hours in her crib will probably stretch out longer as she gets older.

By all means if you want to force the change now then go with the other advice that's been given but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't doing anything wrong.

Bailey - posted on 06/08/2012

We had that problem with my older step-daughter, before we all lived together she slept with her daddy or grand mom. Just refused to sleep by herself. We had to be firm but not nessecarily CIO. We had to put her in her bed and every five-ten minutes we would go in there and say "you have to sleep in your bed, goodnight, we love you". We repeated this every night for about a month and every few days we would make the time between "visits" longer. She now sleeps in her bed all night. I think it's a comfort thing and once they get use to it, they don't want it to end. But just remember, it is your bed and she has her own bed. As long as you don't give in she will get over it, it just takes time and patience.. Hope this helps :)

Kristin - posted on 06/06/2012

Have you tried laying her down with a teddy bear or a night light? My 2 boys both hated their cribs so i had to put them into a toddler bed early. My oldest slept in his toddler bed, but my middle child would fall asleep in the bed and walk to my room. I just kept putting him back into his bed and would not allow him to sleep with my (which is a hard habit to break). It took me a week of letting him cry and walking him back to his bed before he finally started to sleep by himself. Now he is 6 and he gets up from his bed grabs his blanket and pillow and sleeps on the couch. With my daughter who is now 1 i never took her to bed with me and she sleeps fine and does not sleep if I put her to bed with me. Each child is so different and just be consistent and firm. I know it is hard to let them cry it out but if they are safe in their crib and are not sick or hurt sometimes it is a good thing to let them cry it out to learn how to self soothe themselves. I used to let my kids cry for 5 mins check on them rub their back and leave until they fell asleep. Most times my kids would fall back asleep within 10 minutes. I also used a soother for my kids until they were 2 which seemed to help them as well. Good luck to you.