Severe Behavior problems...

Adrienne - posted on 11/21/2011

Hmmm...I have a few suggestions.
1-Have some special time once a week just for you and him where he chooses a "mommy-son" activity (a game, playing lego, a movie, a walk etc) just so that he really feels loved and realizes that your ex's shit slinging has no basis.
2-with your husband and step daughter and other son, make a special effort to really reinforce respect and show that it is not tolerated at all in your house. If you only focus on your son's bad behaviour without including everyone elses, then he will feel not only left out but that his behaviour is different, so including everyone will make this problem stand out less.
3-your ex is a jackass. start recording his slandering (date, time etc) as well as things your son said he said etc. and go to court. This is a form of child abuse and slandering you in front of him might be making your son feel guilty about loving you and being with you. Also, your ex insulting your son is totally detrimental to everything good about raising your son.
4-go see a behavioural specialist to get tips on discipline and games to play with your son. Screaming at him or putting him in time out often will lead to his trying to seek attention...negatively. If hes used to mommy paying attention to him by "punishing" him, and with daddy's oh so positive image of him, he will seek that and think he deserves it.
I had many issues with my stepson's mother for the past 9 years and it sukcs but it will get better. I've had to swallow many many words and smile through some pretty horrific times for my stepson. He is almost an adult now and he realizes the sacrifices we (his father and I) have done. He also sees the whole situation and he knows that when he is here, he is safe and we encourage and nurture him. We have set boundaries and we demand a certain level of respect and we push him to be the best he can be at whatever he wants to be. Mind you, there are arguments over facebook usage, cleaning of the room etc, but that is life!
Good luck Rachael...it's tough but worth it in the end.

JULIE - posted on 11/07/2011

First I would like to say that any verbal abuse from your ex should be reported immediately to the proper authorities, second, Do not send your son back into that enviroment, you are his protector and he needs to know that you will go to extreme lengths to protect him and if this means filing for supervised visitation for your ex, then so be it! Third, your son needs to know that you love him just as you do the other children but his behavior is unacceptable, set boundries and very clear consequences if those boundaries are crossed and be consisitent.. I dont think your son has adhd, but it might help to have him tested.. good luck and hope for the best! I would also like to add after your previous post, that your language and behavior when responding to the ex is atrocious.. children learn by example and it seems that neither you or your ex is setting very good ones right now, stop the foul language and screaming.. when you feel yourself about to blow up at your ex, simply hang up and refuse to take his calls, if you respond your ex is getting exactly what he wants and your son will eventually realize that behavior isnt acceptable..god luck!

Miranda - posted on 10/07/2011

I have an ex just like yours and my best advise is to lead by example. Don;t fight with the ex in front of the kids even if it is on the phone. Remind your son whose house he is one time after he gets home from "dads" and don't try to get dad on the same page, in my experience it won't happen. every other Sunday I ready myself for a battle when all three of mine get home but especially the youngest. My boys are spoiled rotten and my daughter treated like a maid...believe me there is so much more to complain about BUT I cannot change what he does in his house as long as he is not harming my children. They are all in counseling and trying to deal with their daddy issues and the pre teen and teen itis ...I can only show them how to be when I have them and tell them what i expect of them.

Michelle - posted on 03/26/2011

Hi Rachael

I went through something like this with my little guy, I also have an ex who was a complete ass when my son was really little he did not feel that our son was old enough to understand what he was saying and so after every time he went on a visit he would come home a little shit. This is how I dealt with that situation, the first time he started to act up when he got home I would say to him that may be ok behavior at daddy's house but it is not here so you can chose to stop now or you can go to your room until you are ready to be nice. In the beginning he would go to his room until he was ready to be with us. As for the ADHD it could be part of it, my son has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD, so I know what that is like and at age 4 this is what we went through my son was very aggressive didn't listen very bull headed if I said black he would say white. He also was very argumentative. Yes I know these are normal behaviors for this age but his was over the top. My suggestion to you is talk to your pediatrician about the ADHD request to see a pediatric psychiatrist as they are the ones who can truly diagnose a child of this age. As for the issues with dad get your son into play therapy with a pediatric psycologist don't worry about including dad, in this therapy your son can be taught coping skills to deal with the issues that he subject to at dads and teach him how to interact positively with your family. I have been there I know what it is like to have no one listen so push for the extra help wherever you can get eventually your child will make his own decision about his dad mine has he is now 10 and counting down the years until he doesn't have to go see him anymore. If you would like to chat more about this you can inbox me.

Amy - posted on 03/26/2011

as far as discipline maybe just try to stay firm and strong dont give it if at possible. i know it is hard to do that at times my son is only 15mnths old but he is already going through the terrible 2s and is a dare devil so i know how hard it can be to stay firm to a child that you love so much. thats all that i can think of hopefully its just a stage he is going through and will grow out of it soon after all he is still young and his personality is still developing. and if all else fails call in supper nanny lol.

Rachael - posted on 03/26/2011

Amy, Thank you!! Those are all good things! I have actually tried talking to him and that is where I find out things going on and how he feels about his dad... But I can never get an answer about the anger, tantrums, rare hitting, not listening, etc... Which I wouldn't think I would be able to get a 4 year old to explain to me... I do give him as much attention as I can, I am working on doing more projects and things! So Great points... Do you have any advice on the disciplining part of all if it... I think that is my biggest problem. Some of it is my fault because I give in to stuff a lot... Like when his baby brother is sleeping I may give into some things so he does not wake him up... I know that is wrong.... It is so hard, so when I say he runs me and my house sometimes I am not kidding!

Amy - posted on 03/26/2011

since you already tried counseling with your son maybe you should try talking to him. take him somewhere for a few hours just the two of you so he wont be distracted and maybe he will open up to you. also maybe try showing him a little extra attention set aside some time just for him if he sees that your there for him he might be more attentive. good luck.

Rachael - posted on 03/26/2011

RESPONSE and MORE HELP:

Okay trying to respond to everything, first I know his problem is not only ADHD, and I could be wrong but whatever it is that he has going on... But knowing I had it as a child (ADD) and his father has it... Then seeing how he acts, really worries me I cannot get him to focus on a thing for more then 2 min... It will be more harmful later.

I do not know if he is Jealous here... Do you think that could be some of it? He gets full out attention here... He knows he is my boy... Things have changed because I can CONSTANTLY yelling at him and putting him in time out because he is being out of control...

His dad... Is a Fucking joke! I get blamed for everything and it is a brutal fight... Everything will be fine and he will be mad at something else call and flip out on me... I used to go CRAZY screaming on the phone and fighting back... Now I just DON'T CARE.... Except, we have established my son tells lies... So when I try to explain what REALLY happend or my side nicely IT IS OVER! I have him and my SD's mother who are horrid, and I just have to kiss BUTT!

Counseling with his dad? That is a joke!!! That will never happen! He would see hell freeze over... He will never change I know this... Legally, no one will listen to me... It is all hear say and he is to young to question and lies... Counseling for him? I have tried, but he just won't really answer or talk about anything serious.. He is bad with the lying too... I mean BAD! I am lost!

See there is just so much to this... I would be glad to inbox someone more details if you think you can help... I really need it... I am at a loss... I really just have to put up with his father, but I need to help my child and I don't know how!!! I do not think just his dad is the problem....

Thanks! (sorry it is long)

Louise - posted on 03/26/2011

I really do not feel that this behaviour is ADHD but if you are concerned then take him to the doctors.

Your childs problem is waring parents. If your ex can not respect you and your new family and curb what he says infront of an impressionable young boy then he is going to lash out. He is learning that it is normal to slag one another off and treat children this way. He is also looking at the other children in his family and wondering why he is treated differently. You will probably find that he is jealous of his brother because he has a loving mum and dad and so does his step sister as she has a loving dad and a nice step mum, whereas he has a father that bad mouths his mother and is calling him names and he sees you as the person that keeps sending him there to take this verbal abuse. If your ex can not see that bad mouthing his mother is not a positive experience for his son then he is an absolute shit! I think your ex and you and your son need to go to family councilling to help him. Your ex has to learn about the damage he is doing to your son. In fact I think so strongly on this I would seek legal advice and see if there is anyway you could get supervised visits because this is going to have a huge effect on your sons relationships for years to come.

Hannah - posted on 03/25/2011

I would like to suggest counseling for both your son and your family. Your son has a lot going on and working with a child therapist will help him to deal with all of these conflicting emotions.

Also you may want to ask your pediatrician to evaluate your son for ADHD if that is a real concern.

finally - you need to realise that your ex is abusing your son. Saying abusive things about the other parent is considered child abuse - and should be listed as a no no in your custody order.

Good luck!

Amy - posted on 03/25/2011

Im sorry to hear that you are going through this. Your sons father needs to be on the same page as you your son could be getting mixed signals you tell him one thing and his dad says another. if you have tried everything you can think of, why not try talking to his dr about it or maybe even a therapist. he could have lots of different emotions going on dealing with two different families so young he might not know how to express those feeling except through bad behavior. good luck hope things get better.