tantrums just with mother

Brittany - posted on 08/03/2010 ( 28 moms have responded )

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my daughter is 22 months old and she is HORRIBLE with me..just me though. She will scream, and just throw tantrums with me pretty much all day. If it's just her and her dad, or as long as I am not home she is perfect...I am a stay at home mother, so I am home with her all day...we don't really have any family around so it's mnofrmally just me, her and her dad. I am thinking that because we're together 24/7 that she maybe is getting tired of me, or thinks she can get away with things...It's just weird. I thought she might have behavioral issues, but it's not that at all. Do any other moms have these problems with their kids just acting bad ONLY withthem? I do disclipline her...I try anyway but it seems like she won't take me sriously..any advice? It's so hard on me!

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Kyrie - posted on 08/07/2010

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The experts say that children are the worst with the people they love most because they need to test the bonds of the relationship in order to feel secure and learn boundaries. For instance, they don't know that a stranger will stick around for a tantrum, but they trust you enough so far to know that you will so they can only do it with you and not with others for fear of them leaving. It happens with lots of children. They know mommy can't or won't abandon them. Just calmly react or don't react to her behaviors depending on how you want her to behave. My daughter only responds to a certain system. When my kids first do something naughty (the very first time) I act bored and like what they are doing is not too bright and then I show them how to act by doing something different and acting like it's the funniest thing in the world and encourage them to copy. Then I cheer and reward them. It works wonders by stopping a bad behavior before it really starts. And the 1-2-3 Magic time out system is what we do with repeat problems. If you stick to it perfectly, it is magic. It does take about a week of doing it right for it to stick then you just be consistent. Now my daughter is very well behaved except when she's tired. Then the system won't work and she gets a nap or rest time so she's normal again.

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I have always been told, by psychologists, and family members, that it is because they feel the safest with you. She has built a trust with you, and knows that you will not hurt her no matter how bad she is, and you wont stop loving her. My daughter is the same way. I use to cry about it thinking that she didn't love me. Until I was told the same thing I am telling you, and it made sense.

Crissy - posted on 08/17/2010

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My Dr told me that I needed to be a little rougher on my son, that he was acting out to see what he could get away with-That he will only do what I let him do-So I started walking away letting him cry and kick and get it out and then when he was done we would talk about what happened and I would try explaining to him-He is only two but it seems to be working-If we are around people I take him in another room and talk with him like he was an adult-Hope this my help

Angie - posted on 08/17/2010

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Someone else said it but children act out the most with the people they are most comfortable with. she knows that no matter how much she acts out around you that you will not leave her and that you will still love her so she feels comfortable not acting out. While it's frustrating it's also a good thing ;).

I find that my girls tend to act out more or have more tantrums when we've had a day where I don't spend a lot of time with them, either I'm busy or something. if they start with the whiny tantrums I turn on some funny music and start dancing around crazy. At first they look at me like I'm crazy but then they join in and the tantrum is forgotten about.

Julie - posted on 08/10/2010

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Mothers SHOULD be home with their children 24/7 so that is not the issue. Children can sense when someone means what they say versus are a 'pushover'.

When you must ask your daughter to do something say it firmly. As often as possible, do it with her ... such as picking up her toys.

Say it kindly and then reward her verbally and/or with a hug and you will go far in your relationship ♥

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Katie - posted on 01/23/2014

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My son is 5 and his father moved out right before Christmas. He has recently started acting out. If we are out he will give me a hard time leaving- putting on jacket and sneakers, he does the same thing to me sometimes in the am when we are trying to leave the house for work and school. His biggest thing lately is that he can't be left in a room alone. He has dumped out my whole bottle of conditioner in the shower, use the entire bottle of shaving cream to draw and use a bar of soap to draw on the bathroom mirror and drew on my tv with crayon. I keep a lock on my food cabinet because he thinks he can help himselves to a snack whenever he wants. He decided one night to cut it open with his scissors (he says be broke it with his hand). His father and myself has sat down with him to talk to use about how he feels. To find out why he might be doing these things. It doesn't seem to help...anyone have any recommendations? We have taken electronics away but he isn't big into it so it doesn't bother him, his you trucks are away and he was put to bed with no tv. I am gonna set up a behavior chart but I am willing to try anything.

Marlena - posted on 08/29/2010

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I agree with Deanna Jersett completely but I add one more thing. Consistency. You have to use timeout EVERY TIME or it doesn't work, and it should be instantly. She immediately goes to the corner or a special chair every time. Once she knows you are serious she'll stop. By the way, some kids are 100 time tryers before they get the message. That means you have to go to 101 times for them to get it. You feel horrible, they try and test harder every time, but all of a sudden you get through and life becomes peaceful. It gets easier. It gets harder first. Good luck.

Hope - posted on 08/16/2010

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Hey Brittany Its not just you, My daughter is 30 months (2.5) years old I guess you can say and she is going through the same thing with me and I do discipline her too I even try to use the postive discipline to, and I thought the same thing as you, wondering if its cause she's around me 24/7, And I too thought it might be behavior problems but I think I was told its just a phase she is going through, the terrible two's as they call it. But then I hear it only gets worse from there.

Lisa - posted on 08/16/2010

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I had to start time-outs with my son when he was 16 months old because of the tantrums. He was horrible (and sometimes still has them). When he was 16 months, my husband had to carry him out Walmart kicking and screaming because I walked away from the cart. As soon as he starts a tantrum, he goes immediately to one spot in the front hallway and has to sit there for one minute (he's only 20 months now). I put him there and walk away. If he gets up, he gets put back immediately and told to stay there until I come get him. It can be exhausting because he is very, very stubborn but it is getting better.

Samantha - posted on 08/16/2010

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My Five year old still does this i use to think it was something im doing or that i was letting her get a way with more so i started paying attention to everything and a couple things i relized was it was acutally my husband that was letting her get away with things so then when she is with me on our days home she has these fits because i won't give in, then i made her room a mad zone she can go in there and scream and have a fit all she wants. so far its working she starts her tantrums and i calmly tell her i don't talk to fits so go to her room and when she is done we can talk she goes to he room screams or cries anywhere from seconds to like 30 mins as long as she feels she needs then she will come out and have a calm conversation with me.

Jayne - posted on 08/14/2010

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I get the same from my 3year old son when any one else has him he is as good as gold. Then when he see's me he turns into the devil child agin.

Stefanie - posted on 08/13/2010

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I share you pain. The only thing that works for me is to ignore the behavior. All they are trying to do is get your atten, good, bad, doesn't matter. Ignoring is exactly the opposite of what they want.

I put him in his play area and shut the gates and ignore him.

He cries a bit, then begs to come out. I tell him you can come out when you behave and when you are nice to Mommy. Otherwise you can stay in there.

The behavior clears up pretty fast.

Renee - posted on 08/12/2010

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i have a 16 month old boy and a 3 mth old boy!! BOTH play up something crinic during the day for me. As it was only myself and my 16 mth old by ourselves for a good 4 mths and thats when i met my partner and father of my 3 mth old.. I think he felt jealous. But as soon as his dad(step-dad) walks in the door he is perfect. If i leave them at home with my partner they are as good as gold, complete different children. I struggle to get my oldest to sleep at night he will not go down with out a bottle and even still he screams.. But when it comes to my partner he will put him to bed and he is asleep with in the hour with no screaming and no bottle... it drives me nuts!

Karen - posted on 08/10/2010

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you are not alone,my son whos 41|2 is the same way.you have to be consistent,and as the Good Book says spare the rod and spoil the child.this is sooo true.mothers are more soft hearted.continue with the disipline.(they will thank you later on.)good luck and blessings on your family and you:)

Freakalr - posted on 08/10/2010

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It's not just you I have a two and a half year old son that does it to me also, the only thing that I have found that works is to ignore him when he does it! Good luck

Melody - posted on 08/10/2010

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I have noticed that children tend to act out around their mothers....mostly because they know they can get away with it. Perhaps she is bored and/or needs a structured day (i.e. breakfast...storytime...snacktime...nickjr ...playtime...lunch...workbook...snack...clean-up...dinner...playtime with Daddy...tubtime...night night), so she will know what to expect during your time together. Now, here comes the hard part. When she is disobedient or acting out, you can not give in to her demands...doing so gives her motivation to continue the unpleasant behavior, since she knows it works. You have to be consistent with discipline, so she will know the consequences of her behavior. Give her hugs and kisses when she is screaming and whisper in her ear how much you love her.

Yurena - posted on 08/10/2010

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That's the most common thing to happen. Not to worry. Make sure you are having fun with her AS WELL AS making sure she does as she is told, be consistent with what you tell her that will happen if she does not obbey. Give her a warning first, such as, if you don't pick up your shoes/bite/etc, you will sit on the stairs (for 2 minutes). And then follow through. No need for drama. After 2 minutes you go to her, eye level, and ask her to apologise and do as she was told. This way till she does it. It works. Also praise her when she is doing well, ask her to help you and tell her things that will make her eager to help 'wow, you are a really good helper, you can put the dirty clothes in the washing machine all by yourself, thank you'. They love it. Make sure you are not the 'punisher' and dad 'the nice bloke that she can wrap around her little finger'. Try crafts, simple

drawing, baking, going to the park...anything you may enjoy together without too many rules. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page and he doesn't allow her to do things you wouldn't, because then it becomes a war, them against you. Also, show affection to each other in front of her, being polite and caring, she'll copy this. She may be going through the terrible two already, so brace yourself and patience. XXX

[deleted account]

The child KNOWS they can manipulate you. They know their boundaries with others probably because it's been established between them.
IT'S BAD BEHAVIOUR, AND BAD BEHAVIOUR SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED OR DISTRACTED, BUT PUNISHED. GIVE HIM A HIDING!!!
Each to their own, this is what we did. Luckily(?) my kids did the silent, sulking tantrums. They soon stopped.

The child will maybe do it once or twice more, but then they'll understand that it's NOT acceptable. YOU are the parent, YOU should be in charge, not your 3 year old. Your child is ruling you, and you are allowing it.

Putting the child in their room (full of toys) is a pointless exercise as they like it there, so to me that sounds more like a reward than a punishment.

After the hiding, I tell them that when they are done crying, they are welcome to come to me to discuss what happened. They ALWAYS come. I used to explain to them, but now that they are older, I ask them: "Why did you just get a hiding?" They usually know, and say sorry out of they own accord. I ALWAYS tell them that they didn't get a hiding because I don't love them, it's because I love them that and I want them to be well adjusted, mannered adults.

The trick in the beginning is that the child should know the difference between a smack and a hiding. My kids know the difference, and if they are tendering for a hiding, all I have to do is say: "The next time you do that, you'll get a hiding" and they stop, because they know the consequences of their behaviour.

Kimberly - posted on 08/09/2010

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I am just trying to figure out a way to get this under control....for the mere fact that I am now expecting our second child and I already feeling overwhelmed with just our daughter!!! I am kind of freaking out that this behavior will not stop and it will only get worse once the new baby shows up! Any suggestions??

Samantha - posted on 08/09/2010

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Its really important that you as the primary carer have the most authority over your child. All the advice you have eben given so far is good advice. work out a discipline system and stick with it. Otherwise she will run rings around you. One expert i rely on lots says that too many mothers end up in this situation, where they say to the child, "just you wait til daddy gets home", but the child really needs the boundaries enforced in the moment so they can understand that their actions have consequences. We do time outs and tantrums in the bedroom too, but also a quick smack on the bottom for direct acts of defiance. it feels at first like you are doing it all the time, but then one day you'll stop and think, hey I'm not having to do this as much any more. Rewarding positive behaviour is also very important. remembe4r to thank and praise your child heaps for using manners, playing nicely by themselves etc etc. this will help to balance out the discipline, and help them to know you are pleased with them. Its easy for us as parents to forget that our kids don't just KNOW when we are happy with their behaviour.

Rebecca - posted on 08/09/2010

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My son is 27 months old and he does the same thing. He will act like he can get away with anything when he is around me, but as soon as his Daddy walks back in the room he acts like he has been doing nothing whatsoever. It drives me crazy! His Daddy used to think I was overreacting until I told him to hide somewhere our son could not see him and watch. When he saw the difference between how our son acts with him and he acts with me, we had to make a joint effort to stop it. My boyfriend explained to our son that we have to be super nice to women (made me laugh a little bit). So far that has worked for him being as he is a boy. I do not know if a similar approach would work with a little girl towards her Mom or not. Just a thought!

Mary Ann - posted on 08/08/2010

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I think that she is just pushing her limitations and express her independence. Do you take her to a physical activity such as Gymboree or a playground? I find that if my daughter is active she behaves better. I also have been teaching her manners. Don't hesitate to give her a timeout. This tactic will help her calm down, help you to step away. After the timeout, get down on her level, look at her face and talk to her gently what went down and how it needs to stop.

Tracy - posted on 08/07/2010

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My daughter is 14 mo. old and throws tantrums with me a lot too. She has a blast with her dad, so it was starting to hurt my feelings. I started to think if I don't react to her tantrums, maybe she'd get the idea I don't care for them. So far it's working. I make sure her tummys full, changed her diaper, and played/walked her in the stroller, and given her the naps she needs. If I get a tantrum after all of this, then I walk away from her and leave her with her blankie, her stuffed kitty, and her favorite book. She likes to be held all the time, and this doesn't always work for me. I read to her and then let her flip through the book on her own. She has to learn to entertain herself, and it only works if you walk away! Good luck, and keep trying new things!

Kimberly - posted on 08/03/2010

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Thank you very much for the advice....that is some of what I have been trying, I just have to learn to enforce it at all times!! I do feel like a bad mom at times, especially when she flat out defies me! I will def try it :)

[deleted account]

I had that problem and no longer do. (most of the time) I put them in the corner. If they do something minor they get a warning about not doing it again and if they do they go to the corner. The next time I just get up and put them in the corner. Even my 2 year old will stand in the corner with her arms to her sides and nose in the corner now. I tell them why they are going to the corner and how long they have to stand there. Their time does not start until they stand there. (that was the hardest part for me and I finally had to have my husband there to make sure I enforced it.) When they are done with their time (1 minute per year they have been alive) they have to tell me what they did wrong and apologize. Then I act like it never happened and we move on. If my girls want to throw a tantrum I started taking them to their room and telling them not to come out until they were done. Now all I have to do is point or say "room. now" and they go.
Trust me, you will feel bad, you will feel guilt, THEY will feed off of that! lol My husband loved watching me with the kids. I hated it but he taught me that I am NOT a bad mom just because I am disciplining out children. I am making them better people.

I wish all of you moms out there good luck and god bless.
Oh and if you feel like you are going insane..............

BLOW BUBBLES!!!!!
lol

Kimberly - posted on 08/03/2010

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Dont worry you are not the only one with this problem!!! I have the same issue! When my daughter is just with her father she is like a perfect angel....or her grandparents! But when it is just her and I she is like a different kid (unless she is tired that is, then she wants to curl up with me). Anyone with any suggestions would be a great help for the both of us!!!

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