Anyone have older twins; i have 11 year old twin girls

Nicolle - posted on 03/23/2013

My 12 year old girls do the same thing once in a while. The younger twin is usually the one who accuses me of this crime. She is having difficulty with the divorce, but I reassure her I love them both the same. She is in a bad mood when she accuses me, once her attitude changes she gives me a hug and all is right with the world again.

Valerie - posted on 03/18/2013

My twin girls are 17... they have said this to me plenty of times.. now we joke about it... only if they are in good moods LOL.. puberty tends to bring the worst out in my girls.. but when things are going good.. and one makes a statement to the effect of I love one more than the other, I jokingly say "well this week it's your turn to be the favorite, let's snuggle" LOL.. then they run away saying "no, it's her turn," so we have kind of taken it to a more joking level and that has worked.. but when things are over-emotional I do make sure to let them know I love them both equally, and they both are individuals, just as their older brother is.. so there are different things in all of them that I love.. not one more than the other, just different..

Angie - posted on 03/10/2013

I have 15 yr old fraternal twin boys(16 in June) and I have found myself in this moment no matter what I try to do. It has been a roller coaster for the last 2 1/2 years, since hormones entered the bodies of my fun and loving twin boys. It was a sudden change for me after 11 years of sunshine on cloudy days and smooth parenting, my confidence was high and I believed that parenting was the one thing I could not screw up.
First came the smell of teen spirit, a warning sign for other parents out there with boys it is a strong sweaty smell and that are on the eve of adolescence. Then comes the embarrassment over little thing you do, and it can feel like you are living under a microscope. It feels harsh at first until you wrap your head around what is changing, it is not you but it is everything you have grown to understand about your children. I am 2 1/2 years into the changes and I can say that it doesn't get easier, the issue keep more challenging but you do gain clarity that will help you to let things happen without being held in a emotional tug a war.
I still have both my boys coming to me at times to profess that loyalties are one sided but in the beginning when the adolescent storm had me in a fog I struggled in every way, finding all the blame for myself and all the solutions in my lap......I was the problem. I am a single mother with no helping father in sight but I thankfully had a brother that offered an anchor through the never ending complaints. Seriously, I think back to the beginning around their middle year of being 12 and it was nothing but complaints. I was putting out fires left and right.
Now I can see the struggle was in the details, I was not prepared or even notified that it was time to change but my twins knew it all at once. I was still trying my hardest to look at the issues, the struggles, the complaints through the same eyes I had seen my boys through since birth.

One may be more active than the other, that is going to look like you favor the other as you have to be more involved with the active one. So we must explain that too because it is not right for the one sitting back and not being active to use that to get attention from guilt but to understand that it comes with being active but its not a definition of love. Nor do they have to do that activity to gain favor they just need to make a plan together and work around it all.

When one of the boys come to me about loving one more than the other or caring about one more than the other I can listen to them and understand that it would look like that from the outside at times. I then try to explain that times have changed, it is not a matter of more love or more care it has become a matter of more time at different times for each of them. The issues are deeper, heavier and more exhausting causing a parent to meet the needs of one twin in each moment.
If one is in football, that is going to take a lot of money and time that the other twin is not getting if they are not in a activity of their own, so explain the difference. Explain that when they find something they want to be involved in you will support them and in that moment the co-twin will need to understand. If it is a break up, dating or any other issue that is pulling more time, attention or more of you then explain that when those moments come you will give just as much.
Also explaining to each twin that they have different needs, be sure to point out good examples. These areas can help them understand that they may see you doing something for one that you do not do for them but its because they do not need you too. For example, Twin A gets drove to friends houses, and to his girlfriends once a week which cost gas money. In the same week Twin B is given $20 and then twin A comes back to say your nicer to twin B cause you gave him $20 and you didn't think of me. Then I can explain, that you gave him his rides to where he wanted to go and that cost $20.....its the same just different needs.

I think after the experiences so far I've learned that when we are approached with these questions or doubts we need to remove as much of our emotions as we possible can and know this point in their development is all about who are they. Before they can have confidence that they can belong in the world that they do belong to a home and they know why they do. I can see now the issues that came about at 12 to 13 prepared them to let go of me more at 14 to 15 to seek an outside identity. And for twins this is even more of a challenge because they are seeking identity past another person they have seen as them self, a twin.
The way life will flow in the years ahead can no longer be divided and shared equally, this is will become a new parenting skill. What they really need to know is that they can safely say to you, I think you love them more or care more or like them more and then be able to explain to you that they believe this because..........
Now as a parent we need to take a deep breath, do our best not to say that is just crazy for you to think, you should know better than that or after all these years you doubt I like you or even worse, well sometimes I do not like your attitude! Once they have it all out, do your best to think of how they are seeing the changes and they do not understand that football keeps you on the ball taking them back and forth, they just see you engaging and they do not know how to get the attention. Explain the difference, do not feel guilty and then squeeze more out of yourself that you do not have to give because what you do not say out loud gets picked up anyway and re-understood in the adolescent brain as negative. Through these conversations is where we begin to teach our twins what is reasonable, what are good expectations of others, how to handle change and not fear or resent it.
Okay once again I feel like I started out with a good share that could be helpful and relatable but have jumped all over. However I have spent an hour typing this and I know there is a lot of heart in what I have typed so I am going to post it.

Tina - posted on 05/11/2010

My boy/girl twins are 16 and juniors in high school. I have never had the problem that one felt I loved the other one more. At their confirmation last fall, they mentioned for that the only thing they do not like being a twin is that they have to share their special days and birthdays. They are still best friends and they will miss each other when they go away to college.

Tracey - posted on 04/04/2010

Hi Angel, so far it looks like I have the oldest ones....19 year old identical girls (not that you'd know it...one is blond the other dark haired, Miss Clairol! haha) Anyway, my girls didn't really do that....the you love her more thing. But they would sometimes have a hard time sharing and dealing with the fact that their sister was ALWAYS there, they still do sometimes! I tell them now the same thing I told them when they were little.it's not my fault, talk to God...he's the reason you have a twin!! :D

Kimberly - posted on 03/24/2010

HI ANGEL,I HAVE 14 YEAR OLD TWIN BOY & GIRL.

Wendy - posted on 07/25/2009

i have 10 year old boy/girl twins, 11 in august. starting middle school. DRIVING me CRAZY. fighting!!!!!!

Linda - posted on 07/09/2009

our boy/girl twins are 13 and they both have said that to us a time or two. especially when they're in trouble. and we tell them that we love them the same just don't always like the way they act, plus that fact that we are their parents first and foremost and responsible for their actions. we let them learn lessons with small consequences so they can learn to handle more difficult things later. fortunately, our son is a bit of a momma's boy so I am close to him and our daughter likes to do the girly stuff with me. but she's also a jokester like their dad so they have that bond and he and our son have the sports thing together so that all works out. but I know these next few years are going to be difficult especially if they are anything like I was at that age. but I remind myself that my parents got through it and I turned out just fine, eventually. so, it'll be ok.

Darlene - posted on 07/08/2009

I have twin girls that will be 10 yrs old in July.

Tammy - posted on 07/07/2009

Hey Angel, I have twin girls that are 18 years old! They still say that I favor one over the other and I just assure them that I love them both the same and that they both make me mad at times but I still love them. They have now moved out of the house and I have had a hard time dealing with that issue especially since one of them has moved in with her boyfriend and won't listen to what my husband and I tell her because mom and dad don't know anything and the boyfriend knows everything!!

Maree - posted on 07/05/2009

I have boy/girl twins that will turn 13 in October...I tell them that My love for them will always be the same, but sometimes I do not like their behaviour.

Nicole - posted on 07/04/2009

I have twin 9 year old girls, they are a handful. Seems that children seem to know what to say at the strangest times to get our attention. I feel ya.

Rhonda - posted on 07/04/2009

I have twin boys that will be 13 in August.

Maggie - posted on 07/04/2009

I have 10yr old twin girls and I have the same sort of problems. The younger girl (1 min) is the bigger twin, appears much more confident and likes her own company. The older twin always wants cuddles and to be around me all the time. My youngest girl says exactly the same phrase. I think it started out genuinly and I reassured her that I love them both equally but they need different things from each other as they get older. Now she tends to say it around the time that she's getting told off so I think at some point she realised it had an effect on me and might help her out of a sticky situation! I still give her the same answer but don't feel AS guilty anymore.

Jennifer - posted on 06/17/2009

I have twin girls who are 10. they will be 11 in July. You are not alone out there!

Patricia - posted on 06/16/2009

I have almost 13 yr old twins girl/boy the teen years are gonna be difficult one thinks much older and mature ( the girl) and the other (the boy) still likes to playaround so one spends time with older siblings and the other feels left out so we just spend time with the one that seems to need us the most but still takes them out individually to make sure one doesn't feel more special than the other this seems to work so far but with twins things change day to day......

Jenn - posted on 06/15/2009

Hi Angel,

I also have 11 yr old twin girls. I have not heard this (yet) but I have been asked why my husband and I favor our 5 yr old daughter. Have you said to her what is in your post? (That even though you fight, you still love her).

I try to remind my girls that my first job is to be their mom, if we stay friends, too, that is great- but we each already have friends. I'm also told that this is "typical" behaviour for their age. hope this helps...

Bonnie - posted on 06/15/2009

I have 10 year old twin boys, a little different than girls(LOL) but I also have a 12 yr. old son and I get along with him better, just because he is more of a mommas boy and we are a lot alike. I think every parent out there gravitates toward one child because they have more in common as they get older, but they love all their children equally.

Janelle - posted on 06/14/2009

Hey angel, yea I have 9 year old twin boys! They will be 10 in August.