Competitive Twins

Tara - posted on 05/17/2011

My twins have been competetive from day one. Seems to get worse the older they get. They want their own rooms now but not really feasible with our lack of extra rooms. Also difficult due to the one twin having mood and anger issues (Skye). Mya tends to push her buttons purposely and then we have a fight which she blames on Skye ,since Skye can then become agitated & agressive. SO HARD to keep the peace and usually can't ignore it cause one of them will get hurt

Cristina - posted on 05/16/2011

They are twins, even though you see them bickering and trying to do better than the other, I know if it came to it, they would have each others back in an instant, boys usually tend to try to see who will be be better at everything, I wouldn't worry, they seem like normal brothers to me, and really if they always together trying to go one up on the other, they are still close, just not in the way you would want but together still. As long as they do not start fighting and it gets really bad like hitting, I wouldn't worry too much, because worry we will do, we're mums.

Andrea - posted on 05/16/2011

I use lots of language like it doesn't matter what he likes, focus on what you like, wow you did that on your own, I bet you feel proud of yourself, and sometimes I seat them on my lap and tell them (individually not together at the same time) how special he is and he is the only one and I love him the way he is, I wouldn't want him to change or copy someone else because then he wouldn't be the special (his name) anymore. There is only one of him and that is so special and that is what I love about him. My kids are only 6 and I can still pick them up, they seem to want or need this still from time to time, but when they get older and heavier I will sit on the floor so I can give them a hug.

Sometimes when one is more needy and sees me hug the other will come too. I just tell him that he needs to wait a bit longer because I am busy with his brother. It's OK if he starts to cry. They had so share me from before day one so this is nothing new and I will get there in a few minutes. I am hoping this makes them more resilient and lets them learn to count on themselves sometimes because life isn't always the way we want it.



I am thinking in your situation taking the one kid who isn't part of the activity and he is forced to watch and wait is counterproductive. The point of the individual class is that the other is not there. they both do something special without interference from the other. I realize not everyone has help but if you can organize it so that one stays at home with his dad and does something special while you take the other to soccer, or you take turns with this, would lessen the jealousy. I can imagine how the bored kid must feel when he is not allowed to play but he has to watch his brother to have fun. While the intention to give each individual time is right on path, the execution is flawed. The one who is waiting isn't doing anything fun, quite the opposite. It promotes jealousy not brotherly love. In that case it would be better to let them be in the same team and allow them to get some exercise, kick or throw the ball. With lots more kids chances are they will focus on the team not on their brother. At least they could work off some energy.

When we have to take both kids to guitar lesson, DH and I both go so one of us can sit in the class to observe and the other can play outside. We take games or books or just play mind games but no one interrupts the other. this seems to work. Luckily it is on Saturdays so we are both available to do this and it is only 1 hour so we can make time for the kids.



They are still young enough to use books and stories. Bickering to the point that the one is hurt is not OK. This is bullying and it is never OK. When mine do it I make sure the offender at least looks at the face of the crying child. Is this what you wanted? How sad. We don't make fun of someone else's pain. We messed it up now we need to try to make this better. How will you do it? They apologize which is OK, I don't force them but I really want to impress on them that we should make choices that won't need us to apologize at the end. If we don't hurt someone we don't have to go there. And on the other hand it is not enough to say I'm sorry, it is not ok to intentionally hurt someone because we can always say sorry, it isn't the same. Sorry has to come from the heart not from the mouth and you really need to feel bad that you hurt someone else.

Saying sorry with a smirk on the face is just evil and so wrong. If I see that I know it isn't over and I don't let them play together. That smirk has to go from the face and I can tell the difference when they finally get this. Sometimes one cries. I prefer they cry with the knowledge that they made a mistake. This is a learning opportunity because once they feel how wrong their choices were, chances are they will make better decisions next time. They don't always like it but then they are starting to be able to let each other know when they need alone time. I want them to learn that they can speak for themselves and they are not stuck together. They can ask to be left alone. They have the power to get what they need with words. They don't have to like what the other likes, gosh I would hate to do it too and miss on opportunities that I like to do. You can teach them to not waste their time like that.



I hated my sister for being successful. I wanted to be noticed for me and I didn't want to be where she was. We were fighting all the time, a few times I almost killed her by accident with scissors or fists. Not a nice sight. My mom still doesn't get it and we are 46. Although I don't want to kill my sister anymore LOL. I love her since we were 17 but a huge thing had to happen in school for that to turn us around.

Pam - posted on 05/16/2011

Yes, they bicker to the point of hurting one another's feelings. It is so bad sometimes that one of them ends up in tears or very angry, depending on the child. We have tried to put them in different classrooms at school for some separation. I stopped dressing them the same when they started school, except on rare occassions. Sometimes their taste prevents that from happening! And, we have even allowed them to sign up for different activities. I had one who took guitar lessons and plays football. The only problem is that the other one has to be there for all the practices and often finds himself wanting to play since he is already there for everything else. They both do baseball and basketball, making it very difficult for me to find time to separate the two! They have fairly even in regards to their talent level. One is better at basketball, one is better at baseball but they are both very good regardless. I just want them to focus on each other's strengths rather than weaknesses and am not sure how to make that happen!

Andrea - posted on 05/13/2011

I agree with the previous posters. I am a DZ twin and we were compared as well. My mom loved to have twins and did everything to make sure we looked the part and acted the part so she could show off. That's what she told me anyway so I am not making this up. I am also not suggesting that you do this with your kids. There could be others in their lives (friends, teachers, grandparents, other relatives) who don't know how to deal with twins. It is a whole new parenting game. And if it's none of the above, it may be that it only bothers you and they are totally fine with this. If it is just banter like Justine said I would leave it alone, that's totally normal for boys. If it turns into a fight and one or both get upset about the performance, I would step in. I always suggest they pick different hobbies that they like. They are not attached to each other. I showed them movies of conjoined twins so they could see how lucky they are that they have the choice to do things separately or together. It is not healthy for them to be locked up together all the time and I make sure they get time for themselves. I don't want to spend every minute with DH so why should they have to be glued to another person? It's not fair. They are identical but have so different personalities that I would be surprised if they both liked the same things all the time.

They are in the same class in SK but I make sure that when my kids are involved in the same type of activity outside of school, we pick different teachers or classes so they are separated and treated individually which they enjoy. Sometimes they both talk about their brother to their teachers. I take this as need for validation that they are doing just fine regardless of their twin. They both play guitar and piano, they couldn't decide which one to lose when I thought it was too much but they both are better at one instrument than the other, it doesn't matter because the teachers teach them differently and we found a match for both. One needs a soft touch he is so sensitive, and the other needs to be challenged all the time and be told straight what is expected. They still show off to each other and I let them work it out unless it turns into bullying. It makes us very busy to take them to everything twice but then they get one on one time with me or my husband. They are much nicer and much easier to handle and talk to when they are alone (I don't tell them this LOL). I feel this is OK because if I had two kids that are different ages I would have to take them separately anyway so I am not more busy than a mom with 2 singletons.
There is a book called Sibling rivalry, you may find it helpful. I also liked Raising a son. This one is the #1 in my book list, one of the best I read and it rivals with another #1, Your child's self esteem which is not specifically for twins but it is very helpful for raising boys.

Tuloni - posted on 05/13/2011

Hi Pam. My name is Tuloni and I have an identical twin sister. Because we two looked soooooo much alike my sister and I were constantly being compared which made us very competitive. Try putting your twins in activities that doesn't's involve the other twin. That may ease the competitiveness. Also, you are doing the right thing by talking to your boys. Continue to encourage them to encourage each other.

Justine - posted on 05/13/2011

gosh, no-one has replied to this, which goes to show how tricky it is!?? To a large extent it kind of sounds like more or less normal male behaviour, but obviously still hard to deal with in the house, and particularly between twins when they are competing as peers at school and sports. One thing you don't mention is how they feel about it? Does the one who is being downgraded say they find it hurtful, or do they just engage in the banter? And also is the success more or less equal between them or does one consistently do better than the other? My gut feel is that is it is more or less equal and they don't complain about it, maybe just try turning a blind eye (deaf ear?) to it for a while and see if they just grow out of it? (while continuing to back up with talking about being a good team mate and brother, showing respect, rewarding participation, not just success etc) .... good luck!!!