I had no say about my twins being appart or together in the classroom

Edmira - posted on 07/27/2011 ( 28 moms have responded )

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I am not sure whether my non-identical twin girls will be OK in separate classes for reception this september. it was the school's decision to do so. i had no chance to negotiate with the school in case they have problems. they said it their policy to separate twins. they won't make any exception. i worry that one of the girls will be affected and depressed about the fact as she keeps asking about her sister the moment they not together, as a result she might spend the time thinking or resenting instead of being happy and listen to the teacher any comments?

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Jane - posted on 07/28/2011

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You don't have any evidence to support your belief, so you need to wait for several months until you see their grades. If one or both twins are doing badly, then you can approach the school and talk to them about your concerns.



However, schools typically do separate twins because it allows them each to shine on their own. Often they do better when separated because one twin is usually dominant over the other. That means that the less dominant twin stays in the shadow of their sibling and doesn't get to develop his/her own talents and shine in their own right.

Khadijah - posted on 07/28/2011

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I have twin girls who are 2 1/2 years old and I too was wondering what I would do when they started school so I asked my cousin with also have twin girls who are 10 yrs old. He said that he and his wife had the same concerns so they wrote the school a letter several months before they were schedule to start school and that school pretty much ignored their request and later told them that it was also their policy to separate siblings whether they are twins or not. He said in the begining his girls asked about each other but later agreed that the situation was more stressful to he and his wife rather than his girls.
He said that in the end it worked out for the better because each of his girls had the opportunity to shine in their own light, make their own friends and because they spent that time apart in school they were beyond happy to see each other and share everything each other had done that day.

Angela - posted on 08/02/2011

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It disgusts me that there are still schools that don't allow parents any say in these matters. When my twin aunts were seperated in school, there was nothing to be done, it was just the way things were, but for it to be going on nowadays.... terrible!!! Hope all goes well for you.

Jane - posted on 07/29/2011

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@Nete - While you certainly may celebrate your twins, eventually the twins themselves will have something to say about it. While they may enjoy being twins, they will also enjoy being loved as individuals.

Almost all the twins I have known (and it adds up to quite a few) have been delighted to have a sibling of the same age but they ALSO have delighted in shining on their own. In most cases they have different interests and skills.

Don't force your twins to have to always be "twins" and never simply two siblings. Celebrate each child separately as unique individuals. They may happen to look alike, but inside they are not the same.

Only one pair of twins that I know personally have continued to be "twins" all the way through adulthood. Both women still dress alike (they wear different earrings only), they still live together and have never married, and they were both professors at the local university until they retired. You still never see one without the other. The main difference between them is that while both are PhD. biologists, one went into the Education Department to teach teachers how to teach science, an the other went into the Nursing Department to teach the basics of biology to nursing students.

Let your twins shine as individuals, please!

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So sorry you are having this problem. In my case, our school lets us choose. They do say it is best to separate, but at the end. It is the parent's decision unless they are major problems. Is this a district policy or the school? You may want to call the district. Do your twins have a difficult time deparating? If they do, this may be the best thing for them. My boys are best friends and extremely close. But, from birth, we made sure they were treated different as individuals. Meaning, different cribs/beds and different bedrooms when it became possible. They are well adjusted, have different friends, and enjoy time away whenever from one another also. This is why we chose keeping them in the same class. If they start having problems focusing in class, or perhaps they start having problems with friends/jealousy, we would for sure put them in different classes. But, we are sure they will be successful in this case. So, what I am trying to say is that you need to evaluate their relationship and perhaps this may be the best for them. But, it is so much easier to have them in the same class. It is just not healthy for them to be so attached. Don't get me wrong, my twins have the most amazing relationship and bond!!! But, they are confident when they are apart also. And Also, I asked them if they wanted to be in different classes this year (1st grade). They really didn't care either way! Good luck.

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Robyn - posted on 08/21/2013

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I pulled my twins out of public school and put them in a private to prevent them being separated when the district wanted to do that. It cost a LOT of money but it was worth it to keep them together through middle-school they are happy and well-adjusted and it's been great. Not everyone has that choice I realize, I'd fight the school on this issue if I were you and leaving is not a good option for you. Good luck!

Lilliana - posted on 08/25/2011

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Oh my gosh! I had no idea there was a separation law with twins! That seems crazy! Shouldn't it be parents choice?

Karla - posted on 08/22/2011

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My younger siblings are boy/girl twins. They're starting fourth grade this year and just now being put in the same classes. They've separated them every year except this one! So far so good.

Tracy - posted on 08/16/2011

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Definitely do some research about Twin Laws in your state. VA, it is the parents choice unless there is overwhelming facts that the school superintendent must then decide if they are to be together or not. NM, was also a parent choice state. I constantly worry about this as we are military and move about every 2 years. So far, we've been lucky, the pre-school in NM let us pick what was best for the girls and now in VA state law sides with us also. I ask my girls at the beginning of each school year if they want to be together or separate. So far, both say together and they have no issues as far as dependency, one answering for the other etc. Only issue teach brought up this year, was that if one gets hurt or something they want the other one...well HELLO!! I'm not a twin and if Mom wasn't around, I wanted my sister!! My hubby and I have totally encouraged this behavior...that they are family and if they are hurt they help take care of each other...it's what families do! Anyway, enough of that rant...still irritates me obviously, that's how we've done it. I would do the research...even if the bill hasn't passed yet, impending state legislation may at least get them to change their minds...you can always take it to the superintendent or the school board as well! Good Luck!

Marissa - posted on 08/16/2011

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What state do you live in? In NJ it is the state law that we get to chose where we want our kids. I chose to put our kids together. My boys are fraternal and both have special needs. One is autistic (PDD_NOS) and his twins has autistic characteristics but has more motor issues and anxiety. They don't have the same friends and sat in different areas in preschool.

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I just went through this issue with my boys and their preschool placement. I toured a number of preschools and found that most schools forced a separation, without any input from the parents and without any evaluation of the individual children in question. When asked to explain their policies, none of the schools could give an intelligent answer -- they all just said they kids wouldn't develop their own personalities if they were together. As the mother of twins, I say BS. My twins have had separate and distinct personalities since the day they were born. One is sensitive and shy; one is outgoing and unshakeable. Since I know their personalities and temperaments best, I feel it should be my decision, not the school's. I personally think it would be psychologically traumatic to separate my 3 YO twins. If they were older, it would be one thing, but at 3? Give me a break. They are just dealing with being separated from their mom for the first time; they shouldn't have to be separated from their twin as well. We were able to find a great school that respected our wishes and the boys will be beginning classes together in the Fall. To me, the automatic separation of twins is bad policy – if there is a problem with having the twins together, that is one thing, but to have separation as the default is just silly.

Cindy - posted on 08/11/2011

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My boys have been in separate classes since 1st grade. The first elementary school they were in they were the only set of twins so the principal was stead fast on her choice but did work with me on having the same homework for the boys so that I was not having to go over the same homework at different times (this happened in 1st grade). They now are in a different school with 4 sets of twins (yes 4 sets) in their grade. They have been the only ones to be separated and love it. Baby B was able to really grow into his own person and not be always compared to his brother. Both have the same scores, interests in subjects, and different ones. I would really say having them separated is in their best interest just from the experience I have had. My boys both commented on how they feel sorry for the other sets of twins who are in the same class because they have not been allowed to experience things differently. Both are each others best friends at home they think of each other as one ... must have someone else to play with the both of them.
Just keep in contact with the teachers and watch your girls really grow into their own.

Laura - posted on 08/08/2011

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I feel it is better to seperate twins as early as kindergarten. They have to share everything else in life but this is one thing they, as induviduals, should be on their own for. It has proven to be the best for them.

Michelle - posted on 08/01/2011

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My identical twin boys are inseparable and when they went to public school the policy is to separate twins. I at first had issues with it and talked it over with the principal and both teachers. We decided to try it for a month and see how they settled out.



The first month they had nightmares and were always crying off the bus. I was just about to ask to put them in the same class, but low and behold mid way thru the second month they settled out.



The teachers and I figured the reason they had so many issues is that the first month they are reviewing and figuring out what groups the children belong in and during lunch the children have to sit with their class. My twins hardly saw each other. They ended up being in the same reading and math class, saw each other at recess, and at speech therapy. That was two years age. Now they don't mind being in separate classes.



The whole point of my long winded comment is wait and see. Talk to the principal and the teachers about your concerns and a possible alternate plan if your twins just can not handle being separated.



You just might be pleasantly surprised.



Good luck!



P.S. The whole "in" crowd thing, I guess I just don't see it in 1st grade or 2nd grade. I have boys so maybe it's a girl thing? That was never a thought for me. I would just say suck it up. Who cares who is in the "in" crowd. Let your child make their own own friends and help your child to figure out what and who is important to them. Twins are individuals, too.



P.S.S. I guess I'm confused about the whole "assembly" thing. So have they been going to school or is this their first year? Sorry, I keep going back and rereading comments.

Karrisa - posted on 07/30/2011

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As a parent you have the right to make that decision not the school. I have twin boys and i was wondering when it came to school what would be best for my boys. Stay strong and go with your gut instinct.

Nete - posted on 07/30/2011

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here is another question knowing how cruel children can be ... Now what happens if one twins is accepted by the IN crowed, yet the other twin is left out and ostracize -- that is a unfair predicament for both twins to be in.. should twin IN continue the possible pressure to/and bulling of their own twin at home or do twin OUT get a break off the school yard grounds ... I can't even imagine the danger of the resentment, heart break and low self esteem that could create for the one child ...and guilt for the other.... not having choices is a receipt for disaster

Nete - posted on 07/30/2011

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sadly I believe that Jane is correct about the school system not giving an inch.... what is exactly why I want to do the site to gain leverage against the system ... but we will need a lot of mums to get a voice... a child should never be required to be resilient just in order to go to school... .. I wonder if, lets imagine two sets divorced parents with children in the same class..should find themselves falling in love at a school meeting or such and they end up getting married ...are those two step children separated by the school too or are they allowed to continue in the classes they were always in and if yes then why is that different and if No then which child is asked to move class? and Jane again ..the point of this is .. No One should dictate what is right for you ... is this still a free country or not?

Jane - posted on 07/30/2011

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@Edmira - You do not have evidence that will sway the school or make the staff change their minds. I have a lot of experience in dealing with schools that insist on "policy" over well-being, and I have find that you absolutely have to have concrete evidence such as grades to get anywhere at all. Besides, it is early days yet and the girls may be more resilient than you think.

Edmira - posted on 07/30/2011

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hi jane, thank you for the reply. You said that I don't have evidence that they are affected if they appart. Yes I have experienced that and O kept asking where is D during the assembly time, she was feeling very uncomfortable and unable to concentrate and listen to the teachers. She spent half hour moaning about her twin. that means she is loosing from her learning and is affected emmotionally as she is forced to be separated. There is no time to experiment their separation and see if they get affected and don't get the expected grades. They will fall behind and take time to recover. Being together they feel good, secure, happy and make friends. They are friendly socialise a lot but still the need reach other's company more than ever especially when they are forced to be appart. I know you have to wait, it won't be the end of the world, the one will survive but be affected at the same time.

Nete - posted on 07/29/2011

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thanks Jane they are B/G so that solves the dress alike for a life time issue :o) ... I don't force them to be a like, and they do shine with different skills of their own desire ... and if my b want to play with monster trucks while my g wants to color ...then that's what we do and opposite... everything will come in time, I don't deny, they will get to decide - but at the same time I refuse to push a hat over their head and force an unnatural separation ...they are quite vocal / I'm pretty sure they will let me know, what they want and when they want it ... so no worries ..
I think it is great that separation works for you and I don't knock you choice - what I'm saying is ...that it should be a choice...right now it is NOT in most places and I believe that taking choices away from parents and micromanaging peoples lives down to what classes their kids are in... is wrong .. / its the whole principle that Im against (if my twins tells me they want to be separated they will get their way, but I refuse to comply in enforcing it) ..... appreciate you post though

Kristie - posted on 07/29/2011

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I was reading this when one of my twins walked in the room. They are 12. She said, definitely separate them. I called her sister in, and she agreed. They d have a few classes together, like band, but for the most part, they are in separate classes.

Nete - posted on 07/29/2011

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I think twins should be celebrated not separated, I wanted to start a site for mums who do not feel that neither the government or the private school system should have a say in your parental right to decide what is best for your twins and are in favor of keeping their twins together -- So that we United.. again can establish our voice! instead of being steamrolled by the system and their policy's ... However I do not have the necessary time to do it alone ... as side ... my spelling can be questionable :o) at times... If you or anyone else reading this want to help out ... I'm all up for getting it done!!

Edmira - posted on 07/29/2011

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Thank you very much for your replies. I feel better now. I'll have just to wait and see how they'll get on in school. Hope they will be OK.

Therese - posted on 07/29/2011

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my twins are now 12 years old but when they were entering kindergarted i wanted them together but the school policy was to separate them. I was very very very upset. However, after a little adjustment my kids were just fine. I think i was more upset about them being separated than they were. they made separate friends and the same friends. they spoke to eachother about their teachers etc. More importantly, they had their own identity and there was no competition since they were in separate clasees. Looking back I think it was more stressful for me to have them separated since they have always been together. it will be fine. Looking back, I think it is the right decision to separate twins. My one son still is very dependent on the other twin but at least he is able to function independently instead of always relying on his brother. your kids will be fine.

Lisa - posted on 07/29/2011

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My boy twins will be entering K in the fall. The principle at the elementary school said she has decided to leave it up to the parents. I chose to keep them together for this year,they are in pre K together and do fine. They have their own friends, my boys get along extremely well and while their interests are a bit different this doesn't seem to be a problem . The principle said it use to be the policy to separate twins but their has never been any studies done to show one way is the "right" way. All twins are different when compared to other twins, just like children in general. I agree with her thinking, it should be the parents decision.

Angela - posted on 07/29/2011

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I remember reading about how twins were separated when in school, and I was adamant that this wasn't going to happen to my kids - I was going to fight tooth and nail. Until their own little personalities came out. Nope, they will forever be apart! LOL One's a button pusher over the other and that one gets real whiney with the first, but when apart he is strong and confident. My school, started out with a 3 day trial for the kids to go to school the spring before kindergarden. They were all together and then came back to the parents (there were 4 sets that year) and let them know if the child(ren) were ready to go to kindergarden or if they needed to wait another year. In that grouping, they also found the strengths and weaknesses of the twins and all were separated. The mom of one set wasn't sure how it was going to work and this past year was the 2nd year apart. The kids got to each lunch together and have recess together. So there were times throughout the day they got to see each other (or touch as some twins like to have that physical connection). Ask how much time they WILL have together. How do the girls feel about being apart? Have you mentioned it yet? Make sure you don't pass along your emotions with them being apart, they'll certainly pick right up on that!
Also, if you really want to fight this, there are states that have passed laws - I know I read of a few when the boys were younger in the Twins magazine. I bet you can find information as to which states through that.

Susan - posted on 07/29/2011

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My twin girls thrived in separate classrooms at 3 yrs old and they had never been apart previously. The quieter and more reserved twin actually became more talkative and asserted herself once away from her louder, bigger and more headstrong sister :) They were able to nap together and play together in the afternoons so it really wasn't an issue at all. Hope this helps relieve your anxiety.

Jennifer - posted on 07/29/2011

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They will do great. My twins are headed into 6th grade and each year they chose whether they would like to be in a class together or apart.. the last few years it has been together but they enjoy being in a classroom on their own.. in a class together, they fight being compared to eachother by the teacher, whereas when apart they are their own people. Good luck-- they will do great. My twins loved making their own friends the first year they were apart.. -- I have 11 yr old b/g twins :)

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